Prologue

Eddie

The crowd is going wild; we can hear them from backstage. It’s a special night for Black Diamond’s biggest fan; Amelia. She’s five years old and I was lucky enough to meet her mother after one of our shows. I don't usually stop and talk to fans once we leave a venue, the chance of getting mobbed is too high. We have security but it's not worth the risk. The day I met Sasha, - Amelia's mother, was different. We left via a back entrance where there were no cameras in our faces and no wild fans screaming or throwing used underwear our way. I love being a rock star, but some days it's draining.

She was sitting on the stairs of the adjacent building, the sadness on her face was that of a broken woman, one with no hope and nowhere left to turn. The boys all loaded into the limo - cliché I know, but my brother Mickki likes the finer things that come with the life of being a famous rock star.

It was stupid of me to go off on my own, she could have been anyone, but my gut told me she just needed someone. She startled when I crouched down in front of her, she looked at me and I asked if she was okay; then the uncontrollable tears started. I took a complete stranger in my arms without knowing what was wrong —I just held her. For a few minutes, her pain was my pain, my heart ached for whatever she was feeling.

My security detail found me and organised for a car to come get me. Mickki wasn't impressed, he said I was “intentionally putting myself in danger,” but I didn't care. This woman had intrigued me and I needed to know what had broken her. When she calmed down enough she told me about her daughter’s disease. She explained it in detail, I had no idea what any of it meant, just that since it’s stage two it's incurable and she would die. She asked me how she could possibly explain to her small child that her body would start failing her and that she was going to die.

Curious, I asked her why she was sitting on the stairs and why here, in particular. Apparently, Amelia is our youngest, but biggest fan; even though I can't say our music is appropriate for a kid. Sasha came back to my hotel room with me and we talked for hours. She asked if I would meet Amelia and I wasn’t sure how to react. I'm not good with kids. Fuck, I don't think I’ve ever met one—in the last twenty years at least, the closest I’ve come is the spoof in the used condoms that get thrown away every night. Sad, but true. Reluctantly, I agreed to a meeting, not for the reasons one might think, but because I'm a disappointment - always have been, always will be, and I don't want a sick child to be disappointed by me as well.

The first time I met Amelia, I was at a loss for words. This little girl lit up a room with just her presence. She was so full of life, I didn't understand why she had to be sick, why not an asshole like me. That night was the first time I’d ever prayed, I'm not even sure who I was praying to, anyone who would listen I guess; I begged that they take me instead. After that, I went out of my way every day to see Amelia; if I was away I would Skype with her.

Sasha wasn't happy when I started throwing my money around, getting opinions from the best doctors money could buy. The end diagnosis was always the same and I just had to accept that I couldn't change it. What I could do was make every day they had left memorable for them both. I never asked where Amelia's father was because a man stupid enough to give up his family, especially this one, wasn't worth wasting my breath asking about him.

Sasha hated my gifts and was always asking how she could pay me back. I told her one day she would know when the time was right and how to pay me back. Amelia told me one day that she wanted to play the guitar on stage with me, so here we are. Pink glitter head phones to drown out how loud it is on stage and the best kick-ass rocker outfit you can buy for a little girl.

Mickki walks onto the stage and the crowd is chanting Mickki Rose, Mickki Rose. His intro is usually a lot cruder, but today he tones it down. He really doesn't get my relationship with Amelia and Sasha, but he respects me enough to deal with it. He makes the crowd die down enough to hear what he’s about to say.

“Tonight, we have a guest of honour. She wants to play the guitar with her favourite band, she’s a very special young girl, and tonight we are honoured to make her dreams come true.” We make our entrance onto the stage and the crowd goes wild. Amelia asks me to take her to Mickki and we walk over to him and she whispers in his ear. In an instant, I can see a smile creep over his face.

“Sorry everyone, I’ve just been informed she’s also going to marry Eddie and be his wife.” With that, Amelia's world is a happy place. I kiss her on the cheek and take her to a stool we’ve set up for her next to me. For her sake, we have kept her name a secret, otherwise the press will think this is just a publicity stunt. If people knew how close we were, they’d have a field day ripping Amelia and Sasha’s lives to shreds.

She sits on the stool with the little pink guitar I bought her for tonight. We play our first song, Relentless, because it's Amelia's favourite. It also works for this situation as it's one of our slower songs. The smile on her face is worth the time and effort we’ve put into getting this right.

Unfortunately, the few minutes that it takes to play the song takes every ounce of energy she has left.

After an exceptional round of applause, and acknowledgement from the band members, she’s all but collapsing against me. Even though she assures me she’s fine, I have a team of doctors on hand to ensure that everything is okay. She tells the audience that the show must go on without her, rocking another booming round of applause. Concerned, I make her go lie down with her Mum, in a room that I’ve had set up with a TV monitor and a day bed.

The day after the show there were headlines everywhere, and just as I predicted they all say I'm only doing it for the publicity. Before I met them, all the things they’re saying about me might have been true. I won't lie, I would’ve done anything that got the band publicity. All I’d cared about was myself and my brother. That was all that mattered until I met her and she melted my damn heart, a five-year-old girl. Sasha and I had become close over the last twelve months; she was the best friend I could ask for - someone who didn't idolise me, someone who wasn't willing to put up with my crap, and the first one to call me out on it.

Recording our new album has taken up all my time lately, and I haven't seen Amelia in a few weeks, although I have talked to her as much as I could. She has gotten worse and isn't able to talk as often as we used to.

She’d Skyped me this morning and made me promise to come see her, because she didn't feel well and desperately needed my special kind of hug. After we packed up for the day, our manager said we had a meeting with some people that could take our fame to the next level and we all had to be in attendance. No matter how much I begged, he didn't give a shit, I had to be there. Reluctantly, I sent off a text to Sasha saying I couldn't make it. All through the meeting, I couldn't get my mind off Amelia's little voice telling me she needed my hug.

There’s a knock at the door and my heart sinks; an overwhelming feeling of dread overtakes me. The receptionist walks in and someone yells at her to get out and that we are all busy. She stands her ground and looks at me and insists that I answer my phone now. I fish it out of my pocket and see I have forty missed calls all from Sasha. In a panic, I immediately call her back, but she’s crying when she answers. I plead with her to tell me what's going on, but she can't spit out the words in any coherency.

“WHO HAS A FUCKING CAR!!!! I NEED A FUCKING CAR NOW!!!” I bellow and someone throws me their keys. I don't know who it was, or what car they’re for, but I start running.

“Put the phone to her ear, Sasha,” I demand. I need to tell her I'm sorry, but that I'm coming.

“Baby girl, this is your Eddie. I'm coming to give you that cuddle, do you hear me. I'm on my way to you now.”

Thank god the car has a beeper, because I find it with ease. I know I break every road rule on the way to the hospital, but I don’t care. I don't care that I'm alone, I don't care about anything right now except that I broke a promise to my little girl and I may never get a chance to hold her. After parking in a loading zone, I run through the corridors until I get to Amelia's room, only to find Sasha holding her in her arms.

"We should have had more time,” she cries in despair.

“No, no, no,” I sob, kneeling beside the bed, taking Amelia's lifeless hand in mine. I didn’t make it. I can’t look at Sasha. “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I’m so, so, so sorry I didn’t get to you.” My heart feels like it's about to explode in my chest. The next thing I know, Marcus and the rest of my security detail are pulling me from her room. I can’t breathe, my lungs have lost all their air and I can’t seem to get any more. A nurse hands me a paper bag and tells me to breathe, just breathe.

When I went home from the hospital, I cried. There was nothing I could do, Sasha wouldn’t talk to me and I don’t blame her. I should have been there, and I keep thinking I would give up my life in a second to have made it in time. But I’d stayed at that stupid fucking meeting when I should have told them all to get fucked. I took my first handful of pills that day, I needed something to numb the pain. Amelia's funeral was a blur, I watched from a distance until everyone left. I’m sure Sasha knew I was there, but me being there was too little, too late. When the last car drove away, I sang one last song to my biggest fan.