My Feelings
Bailey
“I love you, Bailey Jones. A part of me always has.”
EMOTIONS HAVE OF WAY of breaking the sanest of people. They react to certain circumstances in ways that normally would not be acceptable.
Unthinkable.
But then again, hurting those you love was unavoidable at some point. Even those with the noblest of intentions screw up from time to time.
And that was what my Hunter did.
He fucked up.
Walked away from an “us” that could’ve blossomed over the years at a snail’s pace, if need be.
Because the truth of the matter was that what he confessed last night made things better. Not everything. We’re not perfect, but at the very least I know that he’d always cared.
Had he explained those fears years ago, I knew deep in my heart I would’ve waited for him. No questions asked, because to me, he was worth it.
“You look a million miles away,” Emily asked from beside me. We were in my black SUV heading over to the school today to say a personal goodbye to some people. That, and emptying out our lockers. “Everything okay?”
Taking a sip from my mocha latte, I looked out the window. “To be honest, Emi, I don’t know how to answer that.”
“What did he do now?” Emily let out a long sigh beside me, flicking on the turn signal. I’d let her drive today, my mind too chaotic to focus.
“What makes you think—”
“Because with you, babes, everything leads back to him. Hunter is your weakness.”
“Come on, Hunter. Let’s go have some fun.” I looked up at him from beneath my lashes. There was so much going through my head now that his words had left me off kilter. “Want to be my riding partner?”
“I’ll be the only one you’ll ever ride from here on out.” To his credit, Hunter didn’t look put off by my lack of response to his declaration. That earned him some brownie points, though I’d never admit it.
“On the Ferris wheel, you perv.”
“Only if you let me kiss you while we’re up high.”
“Be a good boy and I’ll let you do more than that.” I waggled my eyebrows, causing him to bark out a laugh. The tension eased with that sound.
“How good are we talking here? Finger you as we reach the highest peak on the wheel, good?”
Ignoring his question, I stood from my perch on his lap and faced him. I held my hand out for him to take.
For a few minutes we didn’t say anything, and like before, it wasn’t uncomfortable. We just watched the other. There was hope in his eyes, while I fought an internal battle.
Everything he said weighed heavily on my mind.
I wanted to confess. To admit my own feelings.
But not yet. I needed more time.
To come to terms with the fact that he left and is now back asking for my heart.
“Follow me.” And for the first time, he did. At that moment, I was the one leading.
We stopped at a light, and I turned to face her. “Has it always been so obvious?”
“Does a gold digger like money?” she deadpanned, brows raised over her sunglasses.
I laughed. Hard.
Emily had always had a way with words.
“Blunt much?”
At my words, she reached over and flicked my forehead. “Dumbass much?”
“It’s just that—”
“You love him, and he is an asshole for pulling a disappearing act.”
“Yes.”
“For rejecting you all those years ago.”
“Yeah.”
“For leaving you that gift—”
“I get it. He has multiple offenses and is a dick.” Has a nice one too.
Taking another sip from my cup, I mulled over the best way to tell her that he’d said the L word. How that affected me. Rocked me to my very core.
To be honest, I never expected him to say he loved me.
Not in a million and one years did I ever think that he’d see me as anything other than little Bailey Jones—nothing more than the girl he grew up with.
But those three words happened, and my world shifted. Had I not been sitting, I’d have fallen to my knees.
“He said he loves me.” Band-Aid effect. Eyes on hers, I blurted it out and hoped for the best.
She waved a hand in the air. “Everyone knows that.”
I gaped at her. “What are you talking about? Explain.”
“Do you really not remember all the times Hunter hovered over you as a kid? How he went out of his way to sit next to you at the movies even though you are my best friend. Or what about all the times he refused to let you partner up with anyone but him? Sports, ride buddy at the theme parks…school dances?” Emi ticked off each one with her fingers, rolling her eyes at the mention of dances.
That was one memory I wished to forget. It should be swallowed by a black hole and never spoken of again.
The embarrassment of having my Miles punch my date for junior high prom that night at his parents’ house. Having said date run out, leaving me with a horrified face at their home in my pretty lilac dress.
And all because Hunter swore the kid had placed his hand too low on my back while walking me out.
I didn’t talk to him for almost a week after.
“Alex avoided me after that.” I shook my head, thinking about the cute Hispanic boy in my class. “He still won’t look at me.”
Emily laughed. “Too afraid my big bro will pop out of the bushes and beat him.”
“Ughhh…” I threw my hands up “…try writing a report with someone who won’t even look you in the eye.”
“Tough, but you managed.”
“Hardly. I almost failed that History assignment.”
“And yet, all it took for you to forgive Hunter was for him to set those puppy dog eyes on you and offer you a chocolate bar. You, my friend, are a Hunter whore.”
“Shut up.” I snorted, which caused her to giggle. Emily laughed her little ass all the way to our usual spot inside the school’s parking lot. She parked and turned my car off, tossing me the keys before opening the door and hopping down.
Short girls love big trucks yet getting down wasn’t always easy.
Following her lead, I got down and walked around to the back to get a few gifts out. Once we had everything we needed, we walked toward the school’s office for our first drop-off.
“Heard from Thomas after the barbecue? You guys okay?” I asked just before we entered the main office. Not many people were out in the hall; there was only two days left to the school year and they were either goofing off or had stayed home.
“Don’t change the subject.” Emily gave me a pointed look.
“Just asking, chick. Are you guys okay?”
“We’re more than fine, but that’s not what you should be worrying about.” Opening the door, she tilted her head and scrutinized me. Studied me with a sad look.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You never did tell me if you said it back?” She didn’t need to elaborate. I knew what she was asking. “Or better yet, because I know you love him, can you forgive him? Put it all behind you and move on?”
For the rest of the day I thought of nothing else.
We walked the entire school, visiting a few teachers and saying goodbye. It was bittersweet. Sad in the sense that this chapter of my life was closing.
However, I couldn’t concentrate on those last moments. I’d packed up my locker—had thrown everything that I was keeping inside a small box our Spanish teacher had given us.
I’d been on autopilot.
That was the reason I decided to come home instead of staying with Emily tonight. I needed some time to think. To sort through my feelings and decide where Hunter and I stood.
Those questions went around and around in my head.
Could I forgive him? Let him in?
In a sense, I already had.
My heart and mind both wanted him, always have. He’d always been the one for me. Even as kids, I knew that to be true.
Physically, I was ready for him.
He’d touched me.
Made me feel wanted.
Hungered for.
So, what was I afraid of? What was holding me back?
That he’d leave me again.
“What has you thinking so hard, babe?”
“Shit!” I yelped, dropping my can of Sunkist on the ground. It splattered all over my legs. “Don’t sneak up on me like that, jerk.”
“Sweetheart, I called your name three times.” Hunter wrapped an arm around my midsection and pulled me back against his chest. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just thinking.” His warm breath on the side of my neck caused goose bumps to erupt, my heart rate to accelerate, and my mind to wander toward the goodbye kiss he’d given me last night. The expression weak in the knees was something I now understood. “What’re you doing here?”
I’d sent him a text earlier explaining my need for a quiet night in.
“I’m here for our sleepover.” At my snort, he chuckled. “Fine, I’m crashing and brought a few offerings.”
Squeezing his hand, I looked back at him. “Go on. What kind of offerings?”
“How does Pad Thai from that joint you love and a few movies from Redbox sound?”
“No dessert?”
“Salted caramel brownies.”
A rumbling noise came from my stomach, causing us to laugh. “You may stay for now.”
“The night, baby. I’m not leaving.” With that, he lifted me in his arms and carried me inside. Hunter didn’t stop until he reached the kitchen and set me down on the countertop beside the sink. “Don’t move.”
“Okay.”
“And next time, lock your door. I walked right in with the food.” He gave me a pointed look, then walked away leaving me on the counter while he went to search for something in the half bath.
“Need help?” I called out, turning my body so I could place my bare feet inside the sink. Turning the faucet on, I pumped a bit of the hand soap Mom kept beside the dishwashing liquid and washed my legs.
The Sunkist had dried, and it felt nasty.
“Nope.” Hunter came back with a towel in hand and a fuzzy pair of socks.
“Where did you get those?” Because they weren’t mine.
“Bought them at Target for you.” Drying my feet with his towel, he turned me back around and picked up a foot at a time. He slipped the soft socks on before lifting me once more and taking me into the living room.
It was dark inside.
Just a few lit candles scattered about.
On the coffee table there was an assortment of containers, a few bottles of water, and two DVDs. One was a romantic comedy and the other some action flick that I recognized the main character from his time as a wrestler.
Even my cat was giving us some privacy. I’d caught sight of her tail as she climbed the stairs to the second floor.
“When did you…?”
“I might’ve taken advantage of how unobservant you were outside.”
The second he lowered me to the ground, I turned in his arms and raised on the tip of my toes, cupped his face in my hands, and brought him down enough that I could press my lips to his.
“It’s perfect.”
“Good. Now let’s eat. I’m starving, and I can hear your stomach from here.”
“Shut up and feed me,” I grumbled, slapping his arm on my way to the DVD player. After popping in the action movie, I walked back to the couch and sat in my spot.
“Yes, your majesty.” Miles handed me my shrimp noodle dish and a pair of chopsticks. Next, he gave me a bottle of water, uncapped, and sat the box of dessert within reach.
Once I was set up to his liking, he sat down with his own food.
We ate while watching the movie, sharing a laugh here and there or a quick glance. He stole from my container, and I finished off his broccoli.
By the end, I was watching him more than the screen. His laugher—the way his eyes crinkled, and lips curled at the corner.
Hunter looked over. “What?”
“Thank you,” I breathed out, totally impressed with the thought he put into my night. For showing me he cared.
“Anything to see you smile, beautiful. All I want is to make you happy.”
Maybe it was those words or the way his eyes looked at me with so much tenderness that caused my last objection to evaporate. Disintegrate. That wall I’d built up over the last four years to keep him away crumbled into nothingness.
He won.
I wanted this. Him. Everything.
Resolve took its place, and I was ready for more.