Chapter 17

Alex

For the past two days, I’ve done little but sleep, my rest aided by the drugs Doc insists on me taking to control the pain. Tyler’s been coming to see me, but seems to be having a great time with his new friend, Lloyd—a prospect, Dart has explained—who has been keeping him occupied in the shop. My son’s calling himself a mechanic now, which made me smile when I first heard it. As long as he’s happy I don’t mind what he’s up to, even if he constantly seems to have a spot of grease somewhere on his face or hands.

Today I’m going to try to shower and dress, and maybe get out of this room for a while. Doc’s arranged for Eva, the club girl who’s also a nurse, to come help me get up.

I take another pain killer—a lower strength one now—to prepare for what I know will be an ordeal. Half of it’s in my head, knowing I have to be mindful of my stitches and not overdoing things and making them to tear. I’ve not long to wait before Eva walks in.

“Hi, Alex. How are you feeling?” She’s been in before, changing my dressing, but I’ve not really been up for having a talk.

“I’m feeling more with it today.” I take a moment to study her, noticing how pretty and slim she is.

“That’s because Doc’s stopped your morphine. He’s given me instructions. First, we need to get that catheter out.” She’s business-like as she’s goes about her work, but sucks in a breath when she sees the evidence of what was done to my nether regions.

“Is it awful?”

A quick look at my face, then she replies, “Girl, it’s not so bad, it’s just the thought of it makes me cringe. And I’m a nurse.”

“You’re a woman.”

She looks at me and grins. “Yes. That’s what it is. But don’t worry, like any other stitches that have been removed the holes will disappear in time, and no one will ever know what’s been done.” I will. I’ll never the able to forget.

She disposes of the gloves she was wearing and moves something under the bed. “I’ll be back to deal with everything later, but for now let’s get you showered. You’ll feel better after that.”

I wince as I take the weight on my hands and gingerly pull myself into a sitting position.

Eva’s watching me carefully. “That’s right. Just take it slow. If you feel the stitches pulling, take a moment and relax. Now, can you swing your feet over the bed?”

I do, and touch the ground for the first time in days. I give her a little triumphant smile, and she nods back.

“How do you feel?”

“A bit dizzy.”

“We’ll give it a moment.” She turns and opens a bag. “Got some things here for you to wear. You’ll be uncomfortable wearing a bra for a while, so I got you a loose top. And I thought a skirt would be best, under the circumstances.” She nods at my groin so I get the point. “Right, ready to try standing?”

“Thanks for getting the clothes, Eva.” I express my gratitude as her arm goes around me. I put my weight on my feet and cautiously draw myself up. She helps me get my balance, and then slowly assists me into the adjacent bathroom. After a couple of steps I stagger, but she holds me up. “I’m sorry, Eva.”

“Hey, no problem. You’re such a tiny thing, you’re no trouble.” As she stands a head taller than me, I suppose I’m not.

At some point I’ve been dressed in a loose-fitting nightgown. Knowing she’s seen everything there is to see, I don’t feel any embarrassment as she helps me strip off. She starts the shower, and then helps me in. “Do you need help?”

I find I can’t reach my hair as raising my hands pulls too hard at my stitches. Without blinking an eye, she takes off her clothes and gets in behind me. She shampoos and washes my tight curly locks, and then gets out and hands me a sponge. After she wraps a towel around me, she dries herself off, and I can’t help noticing her fantastic figure. She’s completely in proportion where I’m not.

Finished, feeling better now I’m fresh and clean, I allow her to finish dapping at the bits of me I can’t reach, and then let her fashion a towel into a turban around my head. After she’s carefully inspected the stitches on my chest, she puts a fresh dressing on.

“You know,” she starts conversationally, helping me get a loose top over my head. “Before I saw you I thought you were Dart’s old lady. He was so worried about finding you, and then distraught about the state you were in when you came back. And he stayed by your side until you regained consciousness. He cares a lot about you, doesn’t he?”

I get a glowing feeling inside knowing how much Dart had been worried about me. But feel I have to deny any relationship between us. “I’m just his employee, but I think we’ve become friends.”

“Yes. It seems you have. And you’ve got a wonderful little boy in Tyler. He’s settled right in in the club.”

“He’s a good kid,” I tell her proudly.

She sits me down and picks up a comb and starts teasing the knots out of my hair. “Now that I’ve seen you better, I can see how wrong I was about your relationship with Dart,” she starts, conversationally, “and of course, he told me himself.” She laughs. “You’re really not his type, are you babe?”

Oh? Now how do I take that? “You don’t think so?” I throw out the off-hand comment, hoping it sounds casual. He’s been speaking to her about me?

She laughs. “No, I’ve got to know Dart very well, if you know what I mean.” She winks at me again. “And I think I know what he prefers. Mmm mmm. That man in the sack. He certainly knows how to use his God-given assets.”

I fight hard to keep all emotion off my face. Oh, I know it was stupid of me to dream, to imagine a mutual attraction that simply wasn’t there. She’s right, she’s much more his type, tall, slim, pretty, and white. But I thought there was a spark between us, something that might only having needed a small push to flame. But while I’ve been lying injured he’s clearly been fucking Eva. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, as though he’s betrayed me. But he owes nothing to me.

I’d misread so much into the times he’s been sat with me. And that over the past two days it seems every time I’ve woken up it’s to find him holding my hand. I’d been so wrong and stupid to read any more into it than concern for me. As a friend.

I’ve gone quiet. My sense of pride tells me I’ve got to start talking before she suspects something. And then she’d probably have to disappear rather than burst out laughing to my face at the fat girl’s audacity to think such a handsome biker would have the slightest bit of interest in her. “How long until I can get out of here, would you think?” I ask, my one thought to get as far away as possible from the man who, for some reason, I feel has been disloyal to me. One side of my brain says I’ve no right to expect anything from him, while the other remembers the heated promise in his eyes. I’ve been so ridiculous.

“As long as there’s no sign of infection, and you feel strong enough, another couple of days should do it, if you take care.” Eva seems completely oblivious to the fact she’s just dashed my hopes.

The day I can leave can’t come soon enough. She finishes my hair, and I just want her out of my sight. While she’s done nothing wrong, I’m starting to hate her. She’s had my man. But he was never mine. Tears prick in my eyes and I try to hold them back.

“Shall I help you downstairs?”

I put my hand to my head, feigning weakness. “The shower’s taken it out of me, Eva. I think I’ll just stay here and rest for a while. I’ll try and make it down later on.”

It’s an easy excuse for her to accept. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

As she opens the door I remember to thank her politely, while vowing I’ll work on doing everything for myself from now on, knowing I won’t be able to get that image of her and Dart together out of my head.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry. I bite my knuckles in my effort to hide back the tears.

I’m still fighting against breaking down when the door bursts open, and in runs my son. He skids to a halt in front of me, and a delighted smile splits his face.

“Mom, you’re dressed! Are you coming downstairs now?”

Dart has entered more slowly behind him. He gives me a nod of approval. I turn my head away, but his attention’s on Tyler. “Hey, little man. Be careful of your mom. She’s still sore.”

Ignoring Dart, I reach out my arms and pull Tyler into my chest, wincing as I hold him too tight, but ignoring the pain as I need the comfort. For a moment we just hug, something I’ve not been able to do for days. Then, when my wounds starting throbbing, I put him at arm’s length and look at him carefully.

“You been feeling okay, Tyler?” He’s got a good colour, his eyes are bright and shining. And I even think he’s put on a bit of weight.

He brushes off my concern. “I’m doing good, Mom.”

“And how’s Momma today?” Dart steps up, his arm reaching out to tip my chin up towards him.

I rear my head back, then gasp as the sharp movement pulls at the stitches. Dart’s eyes narrow, and he switches his attention to my son.

“Tyler, why don’t you go and see if Lloyd needs help? Ask Slick or Mouse to take you out to the shop. I’ll stay and see if I can’t persuade your mom to come down and you can show her what you’ve been doing.”

“You gonna come see, Mom?” Tyler’s almost dancing on the spot.

I don’t want him to go, don’t want to be alone with Dart. Not when these tears are still threatening. “Why don’t you visit with me a bit longer?” I’m being selfish, I know.

“He can come back later. Ty, I’d like to talk to your mom for a while. Lloyd was asking where you were.”

And that’s all it takes for Tyler to desert me.

Dart closes the door behind him. He leans back against it for a moment with his arms folded across his chest and stares at me. Then he comes over and hunkers down. He reaches out for my hands, I pull them away. Crease lines appear on his brow.

“You hurtin’, doll? Need me to call Doc back?”

Yes, I’m hurting. But there’s nothing that anyone in the medical profession could fix. “I’m okay, really, Dart. Just need some time to get my breath back after having a shower.”

He nods. “You look better in some clothes and not lying on that bed.”

I look down at my lap, just wanting him gone. While repeating the mantra in my head, He hasn’t been disloyal, he hasn’t deceived me. He owed me no fidelity at all, yet all I can think of is that unspoken promise I thought I could see in his eyes. That spark that was there until he’d found me, marked and cut up.

He places his hand under my chin, a forceful touch which I’m unable to evade. “Talk to me, Alex.”

My eyes meet his, and as they do a tear escapes. While not letting me loose, his free hand wipes it away. His head tilts to one side. “What’s wrong, doll?”

I can’t begin to explain. He’d only laugh. The overweight girl who impudently thought she was enough to attract a handsome biker. I shake my head, making him drop his hand, and then look away. I feel my eyes watering, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

He puts his hands lightly on my forearms and tries to pull me to him, but my body is stiff. “What’s happened?” Now he’s starting to sound annoyed.

“Nothing. I’m just tired.”

But his lips press together as though he’s not accepting my denial. He continues to stare at me while he wipes his hand over his face.

“Did Eva say something?” he asks, tersely.

And he’s right on target the first freaking time. I suppose I should be glad he didn’t run all the club girls’ names past me first. But then, of course, Eva’s the only one I know, and she’s just been in here. It didn’t take him long to put two and two together. While I try to stay impassive, the tensing of my body gives me away.

“Fuck it!” He stands and starts to pace across the room, then swings around and comes back, looming over me. “What did she say, Alex? Tell me what she fucking said.”

All at once my spirit returns. “Only that you fucked her,” I spit out. “Now if you want conversation I suggest you go find her.”

“Fuck!” he exclaims. In an automatic action, he pulls the tie out of his hair and shrugs it down, lovely dark locks that flood over his shoulders, then almost as quickly scoops it up again, twisting it back into a bun. It’s the first time I’d seen it loose, and my traitorous fingers itch to run through it.

“Fuck,” he says again, this time more quietly. He looks at me quickly, and then away. Neither of us seem to have any more words. I’ve no business hurting, but he’s too much of a gentleman to tell me that.

After what seems like eternity when neither of us speak, he puts his hand on the door handle. He turns just before he opens it to tell me, “It was a mistake, Alex.”

And that confusing statemen is his parting shot.

I bow my head and know I’m going to give into my tears. But even as the first sob passes my lips, the door bursts open again. Dart comes back in, his face set. He stands in front of me, forcing me to look up at him. “It was a mistake. I knew it and regretted it. Even while I was fucking her.”

But every word coming out of his mouth hits me like a bullet. He regretted it? While he was with her?

“It doesn’t mean anything to me, Dart. I don’t mean anything to you. You owe me nothing. Least of all an apology.”

He pulls back his shoulders. “What if I told you I wanted you to mean something to me?”

“I’d say you’ve got a strange fucking way of showing it.” I swear sparks flash from my eyes.

“I cocked up, alright? Fuck. You…This…” He waves his hand down to where my chest is bandaged under my clothes. “It was a way of relieving my tension.”

Unable to prevent myself, I snap. “Other men would use their hand.”

He looks at me incredulously and then barks a laugh. “Yeah, I suppose I could have done that. Look, Alex, I like sex. I’m used to getting it a lot. And that’s what club girls are there for. Don’t matter what club they’re at, their Satan’s Devils property, women for us to use…”

“You’re a manwhore,” I interrupt.

He shrugs, but doesn’t deny it. And then says the words which come much too late. “I like you, Alex. I’ve been tryin’ to deny it to myself. No girl I’ve seen lately can come close to measurin’ up. And you’re right, I could have used my hand. And I have done. But it’s you that I find myself imaginin’ when I do. And even with Eva, I couldn’t fuckin’ come until I closed my eyes and pictured you instead.

“Look, I reckon you’re feelin’ much the same way. Eva runnin’ her mouth wouldn’t have bothered you so much if you didn’t. When you’re healed up, what say you we give it a try? You and me, together.”

I wince each time he says her name. All I can see in my mind’s eye is the perfect blond and Dart together. Unsteadily I rise to my feet. His hands hover to help me, but I stand straight without needing his help. In fact, he takes a step back when he gets a look at the fury in my eyes. “It’s too late, Dart. I am attracted to you. Or to put it more accurately, I was. But I’m a mother with a child. If I’m going to go with a man, it’s someone who can at least give it a damn good try to make something of a relationship. I’ve already been tied to someone who thought I came second best. And I wouldn’t want to compete with your whores.”

“I’m nothin’ like Thompson.”

“Aren’t you? How long until you get bored? Or would I be like Eva, something to cross off your list? Been there? Done that?” I take a step toward him, my finger jabbing at his ribs. “And what about my scars? Admit it. They’re a turn off. You’ll soon be back to preferring white, unmarked flesh.”He moves back to get away from my prods. I advance and continuing stabbing at him. “Or would it just be the once so you can say you’ve fucked a black girl? Had you some dark meat for a change?”

“It’s not like that!” he thunders. “And whether or not you’ve got scars doesn’t matter!”

“What’s it like then? You swearing undying love for me?”

That pulls him up. He stares, and something in his eyes fade. He closes them briefly. When he opens them, he says in a much calmer voice, “It would be all or nothin’ with you, wouldn’t it? You’d want to be my ol’ lady, and I’m not ready for that.”

And sadly, I don’t think he ever will be. I’d read him correctly. He was interested in me, but not enough so he’d wait. No, while I’d been lying injured and hurting, he was in another woman’s arms.

Someone else might forgive him and give him a second chance. But I won’t.

This time, when he leaves, he doesn’t come back.