Chapter Ten: BAM, You’re Naked and It’s Go Time
In light of my latest epiphany, I begin to take precautions for the day to not be a total disaster. Not that I know when the exact day is; it’s not really sexy if you’ve marked “the moment” in your calendar, and nor is it romantic. It’ll happen when it’ll happen, spontaneously, like it happens in the movies. One minute you’re calmly sitting next to each other and the next, BAM, you’re naked and it’s go time.
Again, that doesn’t sound really romantic, does it?
Maybe what’s missing is the angst, the tension and anticipation. Maybe what I need for that moment to be special is for something big to lead up to it. It’s not like I’ll seduce him with my verbal prowess, or lack of, and it’ll be on. No, from what I’ve been advised by my friends, there needs to be a perfect blend of spontaneity and planning. You cannot afford to be unprepared in a “My legs need to be shaved by a WeedWacker way,” nor can you be overly eager and exuding the same sentiments of a stripper who gets paid a hundred dollars per hour. Apparently, there’s a science to it that I’m trying to wrap my head around. I’m sure Cole notices that I’m different, more jittery and nervous when he’s around. He hasn’t said anything, though, so maybe he’s willing to put up with my temporary neurosis. However, what he shouldn’t have to put up with is the hell that is the dysfunctional O’Connell family.
***
One minute I’m in absolute heaven, eating my triple-Nutella-layered fudge brownies that I’d been so cruelly promised before, and the next minute, my phone’s ringing like crazy and I’m fielding texts from not only my mother but my dad and Travis as well. My first instinct is fear, the fear that maybe something’s happened to someone I care about. But when I do get the opportunity to go through the texts, I see that most of them are about the same thing.
Travis is warning me.
My dad wants to know if I’m still at the apartment.
My mom’s telling me that she only has my best interest at heart.
Holy crap.
I have a few minutes to prepare myself before the buzzer goes off, letting me know there’s a visitor. My dad is one of the people who can come up without the reception having to confirm his visit. Reading his texts has told me that he’s here. Reading my mom’s texts has told me that nothing good is going to come out of this.
Shooting out of the sofa that I’d curled myself in, I throw a panicked look toward the bedroom where Cole is showering. Megan and Alex still aren’t awake, and Beth’s gone out for a morning run. I’m both scared and thankful about the lack of company, because even though the coming confrontation scares me, I’m glad other people aren’t around to witness it.
I throw the door open, in my haste forgetting that I’m still in my pajamas, those pajamas consisting of an old T-shirt of Cole’s and some halfway-decent sleeping shorts. Halfway, though, but not completely. My dad stands in front of me, a carry-on clutched in his hands. He becomes instantaneously stiff as he observes what I’m wearing, his reaction making me automatically blush. He clears his throat. “I called you,” he says blankly, his face not giving away anything.
“Uh, I just checked; my phone was switched off,” I tell him, trying to figure out if the situation is nearly as bad as I think it is.
“Can I come in?” He looks pointedly toward the path that I’m blocking by standing right in front of him.
Hesitating just for a split second, I immediately move to give him space to enter. His rigid posture thickens the tension that’s already brewing in the room, a tension that has been lodged in my gut ever since I picked up my goddamn phone. Now, I wait for the bomb to drop, knowing that it’s got something or other to do with my mother and what she thinks is best for me.
“Relax, Tess, it’s not nearly as bad as it is in your head,” my dad tells me as he sits on the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table. I saw him a couple of days ago, but now he seems older, scarier, and maybe a bit more authoritative. I haven’t done anything wrong, but still this feels like those times as a kid when you know you’re going to get scolded for something.
“Why do I get the impression that it is? You wouldn’t have flown over in a night if it weren’t.”
“I had business in the city anyway; when your mom called, I decided to come early.”
Shaking my head, I begin pacing the room. “What did she say to you? Whatever it is, you have to know that she tried to manipulate me.”
He huffs out a breath. “Of course I do, honey. I know all about the latest man in her life, and I know it’s just a fleeting affair. But she recognizes a golden opportunity when she sees one and probably thought she could set you up with the son and keep it in the family.”
“That’s disgusting; she had no respect for my relationship, and Drew, oh my god, Dad, you can’t even begin to imagine how big of a self-righteous, ignorant prick he was.”
He laughs at me and shakes his head. “I’m pretty sure Cole put him in his place, if what I heard from your mom is correct.”
That immediately makes me shut up. “He deserved it,” I mumble, once again defending Cole against the world.
“I’m sure he did, and I’m not here to berate you about your personal life or your relationship. But your mother while being as misguided as she is, made one valid point.”
Fear lodges itself in my throat; any valid point my mom makes can never be good news.
Feeling as though what he’s going to say to me will be nothing but bad, I take a seat on the plush love seat opposite my dad so as to give my shaky legs some support. Maybe I’m overreacting, maybe what he has to say to me won’t be necessarily negative, or, even if it is, then it shouldn’t matter to me. But that theory goes to hell the moment Cole enters the room looking all freshly showered and outrageously sexy. There’s a grim expression on his face, as though he’s heard part of our conservation and knows that there’s a problem.
“Mr. O’Connell.” He nods his head toward my dad and sits down close to me. He grabs my hand in his and squeezes it in reassurance. “This is a surprise.”
“Well, it was either I show up here or let my ex-wife sort it out with your family. I think the sheriff would prefer not going through the ordeal. We compromised; I decided to come here and talk to you two, and she promised to stop being a giant pain in the ass.”
I wince, a part of me still not used to having my parents talk so harshly about each other out in the open. But mostly I’m frustrated with the fact that my mom chose the absolutely wrong time to start giving a damn about my life. I have no idea what’s going on in that head of hers or why she feels so compelled to interfere in my boyfriend’s life. But if she doesn’t stop soon, she’ll have a very pissed off daughter to deal with.
“I guess I appreciate that,” Cole tells him, and it’s my turn to squeeze his hand.
“But you don’t completely disagree with her, do you? There’s something you find reasonable in all her madness?”
“Yes, there is one where I think she’s coming from the right place.”
“And?”
He sighs and rubs his hand across his jaw, studying the two of us carefully and then studying our joined hands. Then, as if thinking very carefully about his words, he tells me, “What I feel is that the two of you are young, and that it’s not exactly healthy to have such a dependent relationship at this age.”
My throat dries; I have no idea why I’m taking this as seriously as I am. There’s no need to listen to him but, unlike my mom, Dad seems to be coming from a genuine place, and I can’t find it in myself to ignore him.
“Before you start arguing with me, know that I’m on your side. Tessa, even though I haven’t been the best father to you, you’re still my little girl, and no man will ever be good enough for you. Knowing that, I still think this kid here is pretty good. Don’t think I’ve missed how much happier you’ve been since he came back into your life.”
My gaze, as if reflexively, lands on Cole, and he gives me a heart-stopping smile, melting some of the tension between us.
“But,” my dad begins, and the tension comes back immediately. Ah, that dreadful but, “It’s scary how serious you are about each other. I saw what the breakup did to you, even if I don’t know the details. You guys are in it so deep, it’s like you’re an extension of each other. There’s no middle ground here; it’s either complete heartbreak or you go full throttle.”
“So, you’re saying that it’s a bad thing if we’re in a committed relationship?” I don’t mean to sound as defensive as I do, but with the way Cole’s tensing up next to me, this situation is deteriorating pretty quickly.
“There’s committed and there’s codependent. I’m on your side, Tess, but what I’m trying to tell you both is that it’s not healthy to build your lives around one person when you should be discovering yourselves. You’re starting college in a few months, Tess, and if I know you, then you wouldn’t even have made the effort to find out more about the people you’re going to meet. Tell me if I’m wrong, but is the fact that your boyfriend is going to the same college as you the most exciting prospect right now?”
I don’t answer because that would be admitting he’s right.
“No offense, Mr. O’Connell, but she didn’t even know I was going until a few weeks ago. I wasn’t a part of her plans then.”
“And maybe that would’ve been better for you and for her.” My dad’s voice goes up a few notches, and this is the first time he looks slightly angry.
“The fact that you got back together and then a minute later were on a road trip together, living in the same room, sleeping in the same bed…”
My face turns red and I open my mouth to object, but he cuts me off. “I’m not an idiot, so don’t even try to deny that. You’re an adult, Tess, and as long as you’re being safe, I have no problem with what you do with your boyfriend. What I do have a problem with is the fact that you depend too heavily on him. None of you know what distance can do to a relationship, whether it can survive being given space and time. You know what it says to me? That the two of you jumped at the chance to travel together? It tells me that you’re insecure. It tells me, Cole, that you were scared Tessa wouldn’t want you back if she had the time to think about it, and same goes for you, Tessa. You may have been scared that he’d hurt you again, or that you might not want to get back together after the hell you went through in that month and a half. Maybe if you spent the summer apart, spent a little time figuring out what you want from each other, it would help you when you start college.”
Once his speech finishes, no one speaks for a couple of minutes. He’s said so much that Cole and I both pretty much need time to soak it all in. I don’t even know where to start analyzing his tirade. So much has been said, a lot of which is right, but there’s a lot that’s wrong, too. Why do we need an explanation for how in love we are? Aren’t adults usually berating people my age for being involved in too many casual and meaningless flings? So, if I’m in a stable and secure relationship with a guy I’m in love with and who loves me, why is that suddenly starting to become such a big problem?
Looking at Cole to gauge his reaction, I’m shocked by the stony expression on his face. His jaw is ticking, a sure sign that he’s angry. Maybe he’s had one too many O’Connells breathing down his neck lately. He doesn’t deserve the hell my family is putting him through, and I won’t blame him if he storms out right this second.
“With all due respect, sir, I waited a long time to tell your daughter how I felt. She’s wise, she didn’t trust me at first, and she took her time to make sure that I was serious about her, about us. This isn’t some whirlwind romance, and nor is it unhealthy in any way. She’s my best friend; we know each other inside out. You think we’re dependent on each other? Why? Since when does being in love mean we’re addicted? We know what we want, and I’m hoping that she agrees with me on this, that distance or time wouldn’t have mattered.”
I nod immediately, knowing without a doubt that he’s right.
“Then do it; take some time apart. If you’re hell-bent on spending the rest of your lives together, and if that’s something you’re so sure of at eighteen, then give it a month, if not the whole summer. Tessa, this trip was supposed to be something you did with your best friends before you all went your separate ways. Do that, have fun with the girls. Your relationship will always be there, if you have so much faith in its longevity.”
That’s apparently the last bomb he had to drop since he gets up and kisses me on top of the head. “I love you, kiddo, and I’m only doing what’s in your best interest. Get to know who you are before you become part of someone else’s identity.”
I may have nodded; I don’t really know.
“Same goes for you, Cole. You’re good for her, but give her the space to be something other than the town bad boy’s girlfriend.”
***
It’s been a couple of days since my dad landed from Connecticut and wreaked havoc on my New York happy bubble. Though he only acted out of the goodness of his heart, the results have not been quite the success. Cole’s become really distant and quiet; no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I can’t get through to him. He lost somewhere inside his own head, and it scares me to imagine the kind of things he’s thinking about.
But as I pack my bag, I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that we’ll be leaving New York tomorrow. It would be the understatement of the century to say that things did not go as were planned and that I’ll be glad to get out of here. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can put everything behind us.
The girls and I are out, spending some much-needed time on our mental health; okay, so we’re shopping again, but retail therapy is the best kind of therapy. More often than not, though, I do find myself checking my phone to see if Cole’s replied to any of the texts I’ve sent him since the morning. It’s extremely unlike him to not do so, and the fact that I have no messages from him is what makes the gnawing fear inside of me grow worse. Whatever this is, whatever’s changing between us, I need to confront him about it before it becomes destructive.
I’m done giving him space, and I’m definitely done avoiding what has obviously become a bigger issue than expected. After idling around the shops for a bit, I leave Megan and Beth, telling them that I’ll see them later. They’ve decided to give us the apartment for a bit, and Alex is going to meet them. Sending them a thankful look, I trudge toward whatever it is that awaits me.
When I get back, it immediately hits me that something’s wrong when I see all of Cole’s bags gathered in the living room. Panic starts to claw at me as I walk toward the room we’re sharing. He’s there, sitting on the bed messing around with his phone. He looks uncharacteristically serious, his expression grim, and it only gets grimmer when he sees me standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” he says, and I just look at him blankly.
“Alex told me that you were on your way back; I would’ve texted you earlier but…”
“Why didn’t you, then? What’s going on? Why are your bags out there?” I ask, sounding as confused and frustrated as I feel.
He sighs. I hate that sigh; the sigh is my enemy. “I’ve been thinking and Tessie, maybe, maybe your dad’s right. Maybe I manipulated you into taking me back because I thought that if I gave you time, if I gave you the summer, you would change your mind. If I leave right now, you can make your decision without having me pressuring you all the time.”
I gape at him for a few seconds before complete fury overtakes me. I’m sick and tired of people thinking that they know what’s best for me. My parents and now him, they all feel like they’re freaking mind readers and that, somehow, they have the godforsaken power to tell me how I feel or, rather, how I should feel. Well, guess what? I’ve had enough.
Trying to restrain myself and not throw something at him, I try to focus on getting my temper under control so things don’t spiral completely out of control.
“Why are you so convinced that I’m an idiot?” He opens his mouth to object but I stop him. “No, listen to me. Do you think that it was that easy for you to ‘manipulate’ me, especially after the hell I went through after our breakup? I was heartbroken, completely crushed, and every instinct I had yelled at me to never let you in again. Don’t you think I thought long and hard about what I wanted? Don’t you know that I was terrified to let you back again in my life, and that if I did decide that I wanted to be with you, it was because I fought to overcome all those fears! So, don’t tell me that you somehow made that decision for me. You didn’t; no one did. My answer would have been the same if you had asked me next month or the next year, because I love you, damn it!”
His eyes are stormy as he rushes toward me and pulls me to him by the waist. “But you deserve better; you could do so much better. If I’m holding you back…”
“Who are you?” I ask him, completely astounded. “Where’s that cocky, over-smart jerk who fought like hell to convince me that he was the one for me? Where is the guy that I fell for, because it sure as hell isn’t you?”
He staggers away looking conflicted, and I know what I have to do. Too many people recently have filled his mind with doubts, playing on his insecurities, and it kills me to see this amazing guy being subjected to that. Being a person who for her entire life has never felt good enough for anyone, I know what it can do to you, how it takes away that part of you that wants someone to love them. He has to know that if anyone could do better, it’s him. He’s the better person in our relationship because he’s stronger; he turned my life around when I was completely lost.
“Cole, please look at me.” I move closer to him and cup his face between my palms, forcing him to look straight into my eyes.
“You have to know why I love you and why I choose to be with you. You make my days brighter just by being near me; I always have a reason to smile when you’re around. Everything feels like it’s easier; I laugh easier, breathe deeper, and feel so much more because of you. You came into my life like this whirlwind, tossed everything around, and when it settled back down to normal, my entire world was different, and it was amazing. So, if that kind of a relationship sounds unhealthy to people, then I don’t care, because I’m really selfish when it comes to you. I need you to be in my life, Cole.”
I choke on the last few words, trying my best not to cry, but Cole must have sensed the emotion anyway because he shakes his head, as if he were in a trance, and hugs me close to him, molding my body to his, and he kisses me deeply but without urgency, savoring the moment.
“Goddamn it, woman, how is it even possible for you to love me so much? I can’t walk away from you, not after this.”
“Then don’t.” I gulp and will myself to be brave enough to do what I want to do at this moment.
Pulling back, I start working on the buttons of his shirt when his hand shoots out to stop me.
“What are you doing?” His voice is hoarse, his eyes wide, mouth slightly ajar.
Swallowing, I push his hand aside and continue unbuttoning his shirt.
“I’m ready,” I tell him simply, knowing that he’ll understand.
He doesn’t stop me again but does question, “Are you sure? I don’t want you to think you have to do this to prove a point.”
Never taking my eyes off his chest I tell him, “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I know that I want this with you.”
He nods, and then the most wonderful thing happens. I get my arrogant, smirking, bad boy back, who’s in control and who knows that the only thing I need right now is him.
We move gently, hesitantly toward each other knowing that we’re about to do something that’ll change us and our relationship, stopping it from existing as it does now and morphing into something so much more.
***
After, as we lay tangled in the sheets, not knowing where one begins or the other ends, I can’t help but think that now I understand why everyone’s so crazy about the sex thing. It’s not just about the physical gratification but more so about the emotional connection, especially when you’re with the person you love.
I definitely feel closer to Cole now, like our feelings have been magnified and externalized. I’m lying half on top of him, his arms wrapped tightly around me. Both of us are still breathing hard, covered in a sheen of sweat, and I snuggle deeper into him.
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Tessie.”
I shrug, though it was quite painful, it wasn’t his fault. “It was worth it, definitely.”
He kisses the top of my head. “How do you feel? Was that as good as what you expected?” The insecurity is back in his voice, and I squash it immediately. “It was so much better. It felt…” I feel my cheeks turning red, but I continue anyway because he needs to hear it. “It felt amazing, even though the first time isn’t supposed to feel so great. You made it amazing for me.” I kiss his chest and he rolls me onto my back, using his arms to support himself as he rolls on top of me. I stare at him, our lower bodies covered by the sheets, but his gorgeous chest is exposed, and my eyes glaze over.
He kisses me softly, his hands all over me. Resting his forehead against mine, he rasps, “I never considered sex to be anything but a physical release, but with you, fuck, Tessie, nothing’s ever felt as amazing as that.”
Lovingly I run my knuckles down his cheek and he kisses every one of them.
“Don’t ever doubt how I feel about you ever again, okay?”
He grins mischievously. “If the consequences are as mind-blowing as this, then I don’t really have a better reason to not do it.”
We both laugh but immediately stop when he begins to tug down the sheet that’s covering my body.
“Again?” I gasp, knowing that I’m way too sore to try anything right now.
He shakes his head. “I just want to take care of you.”
I watch him suspiciously as he rids me of the sheets, scooping me up in his arms and carrying me to the attached bathroom.
He puts me on my feet before starting the shower. In the bright light of the room, I begin to feel self-conscious about my body and consider wrapping a robe around me when Cole returns and wraps his arms around me.
“Shower?” I squeak as he runs his hands up and down my back reassuringly.
“I hope you don’t mind, but the hot water will make you feel better, and I didn’t…couldn’t let go of you just yet.”
Face blazing, I nod. I understand how he feels even though I’m too embarrassed to admit it.
When he feels that the water is warm enough, Cole leads me behind the glass doors, and I rely on him to pull me through since my own legs feel like jelly.
As I stand under the soothing spray, Cole presses his chest into my back and wraps his arms around me.
“Did you ever think when I first came back that we’d end up here?”
I smile. “Well, you did soak me with cold water the first time I saw you then, so I had my suspicions.”
He tickles me and I writhe in his arms. “But this beats being attacked by a water pitcher.”
I hum in my throat. “Definitely.”
“That’s all I ask, Shortcake, that’s all I ask.”