Chapter Twelve: That’s My Motto—Make Love, Not War
My Converse-clad feet skid to a stop as I try to catch my breath. Resting my hands on my knees, I manage to get my panting under control and then straighten up. Peering around the quad, I’m relieved to see that no one’s seen my mad dash to get here. Running a hand through my windswept hair, my eyes dart around and try to find him. As always, I know he’s here, but given the fact that class has just let out for a lot of people, Cole won’t be the easiest to find.
Then I hear it.
A high-pitched giggling sound that’s usually associated with someone pawing at my boyfriend. Squaring my shoulders, I head toward the direction of the squealing chipmunk and, sure enough, there’s an exotic-looking girl trying to climb all over Cole like she’s a next-generation spider monkey. But then again, there are always exotic-looking college girls trying to worm their way into his pants, and, two months into my freshman year here at Brown, it’s something that I’ve had to bitterly accept. The fact that Cole constantly plays dodgeball with their grabby hands puts me at peace. I genuinely feel sorry for him, the way he has to force these girls not to come on to him too strongly. What some men might consider nirvana, is hell.
Deciding to put him out of his misery, I push past the throngs of students and get to him just as his latest fangirl reaches up and caresses his arm. She definitely looks like the stereotypical man-stealer that I’ve had the misfortune of running into these past couple of months. She’s tall, Amazonian, even, and has tanned skin. Her mane of dark hair is pulled into that stylish-but-cute side braid that I can never master without looking like I should be in kindergarten, and to top it all off, she is impeccably dressed, even in the cold weather, with skin-tight jeans, a figure-hugging white sweater, and a belt wrapped around her waist, emphasizing just how tiny it is.
I take a moment to study my own outfit that I’d hurriedly thrown on this morning before I left home. Comfy fuzzy sweater, jeans with a pesky coffee stain, black worn boots, and a scarf that nearly swallowed me whole—I’m surely not in the same league as Miss Glamazon over there, but that’s not the point. A huge smile makes its way onto my face as I happily cross over to Cole and loop my arms around his back. He doesn’t jump, nor is he startled, in fact, I can feel his body relax under my touch, and it’s all kinds of wonderful.
I poke my head around his side to smile at his latest admirer, whose perfectly shaped eyebrows are nearly retreating into her hairline.
“Hi, I’m Tessa, Cole’s girlfriend, and I haven’t seen him in nearly three days. Do you mind if I borrow him?”
Cole’s body shakes with silent laughter as the girl simply stares at me. My cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling so much, but it’s part of the game. You simply cannot let them intimidate you. Once that happens, they think it’s okay if they casually slip their bra into your boyfriend’s car.
It happened.
It’s never happening again; those double Ds were traumatizing.
It takes her some time to come to terms with the fact that her newest prey is taken. But she doesn’t let it show for long; shaking her head, she offers me a fake smile of her own.
“Of course. I’m Allison, Cole’s partner in his psychology class. We were just discussing a time to meet up later for our project.”
The way she says “meet up later” makes my skin crawl. She’s added some sort of a sexual connotation to the words, and I know that she’s done it on purpose because that’s what they do.
“Great—so are you guys about done?”
She laughs, and it’s the hollow, superior-sounding laugh that sounds pretty, yikes.
“Oh no, we were just getting started. But we can hook up, oops, I mean meet up, another time. It was nice meeting you, Teresa.” Her lips attempt to pull into another condescending smile, but it’s like she doesn’t even want to make the effort. She gives me a once-over and then touches Cole’s arm again.
“Catch you later, handsome.”
She walks away then, sashaying those hips like God commanded her to do so.
Naturally, I’m fuming by the time Cole turns around and holds up his hands defensively.
“You have to know that I can’t stand her, and I feel highly violated whenever she’s around.”
Narrowing my eyes at him, I try to find a lie in his hypnotizing blue eyes but come up empty. There’s not even a hint of a doubt in my mind that he’s being honest and that that’s all he’s ever been.
Besides, I can’t really be angry at him when I’ve missed him so much these last few days. I left to go back home on Friday and couldn’t see him because he had practice. Of course, he offered to drive down to me to our hometown of Farrow Hills since it’s only two hours away, but I knew that he had a big test today and needed to study. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t wished all weekend that he’d show up out of the blue. Now, as I take in his chiseled face, perfectly messed-up hair, pouty lips, and those damn eyes that get me every time, I can’t find it in me to be angry for always having a succubus around.
It’s not his fault, really; he’s just that amazing.
I break into a grin and launch myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck as he hauls me to his chest. Cole buries his face in my neck and inhales; he tells me that he loves my smell, so I never find it weird that he casually sniffs me whenever he wants—I tend to do the same with him. His arms tighten around my waist and I lay my head on his chest, against his heart, listening to it beat furiously. Neither of us cares that we’re surrounded by people because when we’re together like this, the world seems to disappear.
Pulling back, he kisses me nice and slow, as he does when he’s trying to savor the moment. I rise on my toes and press my lips to his harder, telling him that I missed him. We only stop once the whistles and the catcalls begin. Embarrassed as usual, I hide my face in Cole’s chest, which rumbles in laughter beneath my cheek.
“I’m assuming you’re going to switch partners soon?” I ask, toying with the hem of his cardigan.
“Already asked the TA. That girl’s a sexual harassment case waiting to happen.”
“Aw, poor boy, does it get hard to have all these gorgeous college girls falling all over you?”
I know my words make him mad because his entire body stiffens. Holding me at arm’s length, he tips my chin up to meet his eyes.
“You know I only have eyes for one girl, right? None of them matter, not one.”
I sigh contently, feeling stupid for projecting my own feelings on him. He’s never done anything that contradicts his words, and one of these days, he’s going to get tired of my insecurities.
At least it’s not today.
“I do know, and I’m sorry. Can we have a do-over?”
He hugs me to his side and begins walking. Cole’s done with his classes for the day, and I don’t have any till later in the day, so we head over to his apartment because, seriously, we have a lot of catching up to do.
No, not that kind of catching up!
***
When Cole told me all those months ago that he’d be coming to Brown with me, I felt a lot of things. Mostly I felt terrified because at the time, our relationship wasn’t in a good place, and I didn’t know what it would mean if he were to be around me all the time. Later, when we got back together I was still scared, but for a different reason. I didn’t want us to be one of those high school couples who drifted apart in college, became different people and wanted different things from life. But with that worry came a sense of peace from knowing that distance wouldn’t be yet another thing standing in our way. We could be together, learn to grow up and find ourselves without growing apart. That sense of peace prevailed and took down the fear a couple of notches.
Now, I take one day at a time, and it’s going great. He lives in an apartment and I live in the dorms; both of us have roommates, so we know that it’s not the best idea to spend all of our time together. The fact that my parents were worried about us being too “attached” makes me laugh now. Clearly, they overestimated how much college dorm room or apartment space one could get out of an eighteen-year-old’s savings. We have to be creative about where to spend time and when, given our busy schedules.
It’s nice to have time apart, meet new people, but at the same time, it’s horrible.
Something I’ve realized about myself is that I suck at being around new people, but that’s always been the case. In college, everything’s so unfamiliar and new that my social awkwardness has risen to an entirely new level. With the exception of my roommate, Sarah, it’s been hard to make friends or meet people in general. That means that Cole’s my only tether to the world and to myself. I always find myself needing him, wanting to be around him, and it’s not good; I know that.
But it truly feels like when I have him, I don’t need anyone else.
***
“So, how did the moving go?” Cole opens the door to his two-bedroom apartment, one which he shares with a nice guy named Eric who’s a junior at Brown. He mostly spends his time at his girlfriend’s place on weekdays, and then she comes over on the weekends. After the initial awkwardness of running into him during our first few weeks here, he’s started to grow on me, and I’m no longer embarrassed to death when Cole and I emerge from his room after a nigh in.
“There really wasn’t a lot of stuff to move; their new place is the size of a shoe box.” I toss my purse on the couch and settle into it, pulling my knees up to my chest. Cole sneaks up behind me and pulls my back to his chest.
He laughs. “But Beth’s still going to sell the house?”
“Yup, and Travis is going to support her no matter what she decides to do. He could’ve found a better place for them, but she wanted to split the rent fifty-fifty, so they settled for something small.” I tell him all about my brother and best friend’s new place and how the bathroom, dining room, and bedroom are all one big open space simply separated by curtains. They’d decided to move in together shortly after we left for college and finally found a place that both agreed to. Yes, it’s a lot smaller than what either is used to, but seeing them together this past weekend nearly made me cry with happiness. Travis has struggled with his addiction to alcohol in the past, and it nearly stripped him of the great person that he is; it took some effort from his family and a girl knocking him off his butt to make him see that he could be so much more than his weakness. Beth, too, had suffered an unimaginable tragedy by losing her mother, a mother with whom she already had a strained relationship. Travis and Beth were two broken people who’d somehow found themselves in each other.
Much like the two of us.
And we’re making it work, too, despite every curveball thrown our way. Yes, our schedules don’t quite match, yes, he’s already got a whole new group of friends, and yes, I still prefer solitude to frat parties but hey, we’re hanging in there.
We relax on the couch for a bit and I update him on my Skype call with Megan. We’re all planning something big for winter break, a ski trip of some sort, and I’m struggling to work around everyone’s schedules. He listens to me vent and be frustrated, then offers to drive me to work because, apparently, it’s getting dark outside.
I work at the local children’s bookstore, mostly on weekends and twice on the weekdays before class. It’s because of this job that Cole and I veer toward a familiar argument. He’s walking down the street, with my hand in his as he casually asks the question I know he already knows the answer to.
“So, some guys from the team are throwing a party this weekend.”
“Cole…”
“I know, you don’t want to go, but I hate going to these things without you.”
A part of me wants to ask why, if he hates these parties so much, does he need to attend each one. But then the rational part reminds me that he’s part of a team, a close-knit football team where you need to show up at your teammate’s party; there’s no questioning it. I went to the first few at the beginning of the semester and quickly realized that I could never fit in with these people. For the most part, I tended to fade into the background, away from judgmental stares and the incredulous expressions on people’s faces when they find out that I’m dating Cole Stone. So, by the fifth party, I put my foot down and haven’t been to one since. I like to think that he understands, but then times like this make me feel like he wishes I could be someone different.
“I work on the weekends and then I need to study; you know that, Cole.” My voice is laced with frustration.
He sighs. “Yeah I do. I know that.”
He kisses me on the forehead, his lips pressing hard before he cups my face in his hands and just stares at me intensely for a while. I’m clueless as to what he’s thinking, and before I can ask him, he’s already halfway to his car and then driving away.
For some reason, I want to cry real bad right now.
***
When I get back to the dorm, thankfully my roommate, Sarah, isn’t there. I love her and her quirky personality, but right now I just need to be miserable alone.
Or I could use some company.
My fingers dial Beth’s number before I can back out, and she answers the phone on the second ring.
“Remind me why I didn’t take up your brother on his offer of a palatial, three-bedroom apartment in the good part of the city?”
I laugh despite my mood. “Because you wanted to prove to yourself that you’re a big, strong independent woman.”
She sighs. “Why can’t I be a big, strong, independent woman with a bigger apartment? This place is giving me claustrophobia.”
I laugh again because I know she’s not even remotely being serious; Beth loves her new place, loves that she’s paying for it on her own, and loves that she’s sharing it with Travis.
“Anyway, what’s up? Trouble in paradise again?”
“Something like that.”
I then proceed to tell her about feeling like I’m constantly letting Cole down. I tell her about our conversation today and how things got a little weird afterward. She listens to me patiently, even when I talk about Allison the Exotic; at the end of my tirade, she just snorts and plummets through my doubts.
“Remember how yesterday I was making fun of your brother’s polo shirts?”
I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion. “I do, but what does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, you’re talking about being too different for Cole and not being enough for him, and it’s the same as me hating Travis’s polo shirts with a passion. I never thought I’d be with a guy who wore them to the country club, but I am. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll put on a freaking yellow sundress and pretend to sip martinis at happy hour with the zombie suburban wives, you know?”
“I think I understand.”
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t have the same interests or social circle, as long as that feeling’s still there, that feeling that tells you that when you’re together, it’s the most perfect thing ever.”
I hum in satisfaction; that feeling’s there in dozens.
“So, if I can’t be the partying, bar-hopping kind of girlfriend, then that’s okay?”
“Of course it is; he won’t expect that from you, just as you don’t expect him to spend all his time listening to Adele and stuffing his face with Nutella.”
“Hey! That’s not all I do.”
“My point is that you guys are different, and those differences will become more apparent in college. Don’t let it get to you; he fell in love with who you are and not who you think he wants you to be.”
Her words are oddly profound and have a calming effect on me. She’s right, of course she is, and I need to stop freaking out because Cole has always, always understood me better than anyone else.
“What would I do without you, Bethany Audrey Romano?”
“Die, probably, it’s like I single-handedly provide you O’Connell siblings the will to live.”
I think she’s probably right.
***
When I sneak into Cole’s bed later that night, I’m glad that he’s deep asleep. He would spit fire if he saw that I’d walked to his apartment building alone at nearly one in the morning. Oh well, he can do it tomorrow. Lying in bed, I knew that trying to do homework would be pointless when all I wanted was to take away that hurt on Cole’s face when he left me earlier that day.
He’s lying on his back, the blanket barely covering his hips and revealing all of his delicious chest. I take off my sweatshirt, one which I’d thrown over my pajamas, and climb onto the bed, draping myself all over Cole and snuggling deep into him.
Even in his sleep, he so completely adorably pulls me closer, and I kiss him softly on the lips. It’s moments like these that reassure me that we’ll be fine, absolutely, completely fine.
“You know you’re in trouble for not calling me to walk you over.”
Because really, how could you not want to spend every moment with this guy?
Huddling closer to seek his warmth, I kiss his cheek and murmur sleepily into his ear, “How about we snuggle now and argue later.”
He hoists me higher onto his chest and tangles his leg with mine. “Good idea, Shortcake; that’s my motto, make love, not war.”
To emphasize his point, he rolls me onto my back and rises above me on his elbows, waggling his eyebrows at me.
I burst out laughing. “I’m sure that’s not how it was meant to be used.”
“I like to think it’s open to interpretation.”
“Well, I like to get sleep before my eight a.m. class, so I’ll pass tonight.”
He fakes being devastated but immediately falls back onto the bed and pulls me close, repositioning me on his chest and pulling the blankets around us.
Ah, heaven.