Chapter Two: I Currently Have the Self-Worth of an Amoeba
“So, is it true you tried to kill yourself because Cole broke up with you?”
I stare at the door of my locker, observing the rusted metal and the paint that never stops chipping. It looks strong, sturdy, even if it’s aged. If I were to bash my head in repeatedly, it would cause some sort of damage, right? I might even talk the school nurse into giving me a, “She’s crazy; never let her enter the building again pass.” But then again, if I calculated how many times in my life the “what ifs” actually came true, the math could probably be done on a single hand.
Oblivious to my suicidal thoughts, Stacie, an ex-Nicole minion, continues her probing. Inwardly, I curse myself for not ditching the bandage when I could. If it’s not bad enough that I currently have the self-worth of an amoeba, of course, to these people it would look like I slashed my wrists courtesy of a broken heart. Apparently, our breakup has created quite the hype and caused conspiracy theories to spin out of control.
The first one I squashed was that I was pregnant. To someone who’d always been fat, being told that you looked like you could possibly be carrying another human being inside you when you’re not really reduces a girl’s self esteem to the size of a puddle.
I turn to face the tiny blonde who’s still wearing her cheerleading uniform even though there are no games left to cheer for or any tournaments to practice for. She’s the kind of person who perhaps lets this uniform define her; without it, she’d be lost. The cheerleader, that’s what she’ll always be.
Opening my mouth to give an explanation I’ve already given more times than I can count today, I’m stopped before I manage to get the words out.
“Shouldn’t you be more worried about your boyfriend nailing Melissa in the girl’s bathroom, Stacie?”
You’d think it would be Beth being this brutally defensive of me, but I’m blown away when I see Nicole towering intimidatingly over her former partner in crime.
Huh. People never cease to amaze you, do they?
Stacie struggles to find words, sputtering and choking on half-formed responses. Finally, when she thinks she’s got something good enough to throw in Nicole’s face, a malicious grin spreads across her face. It turns her otherwise good-girl, angelic features vixen-like.
“What is this? The ‘dumped by the Stone brother solidarity club’? Isn’t that sweet,” she sneers, gesturing between the two of us, “two ex-bfs brought together because their boyfriends didn’t think they were good enough? How darn sweet.”
Whereas I’m horribly embarrassed and want to be anywhere but here, Nicole is eerily calm and composed. Instead, she gives Stacie a look that would make a lesser women cry. I would know. I’ve been subjected to the look more times than I can count.
“Well, at least we had the pleasure of enjoying their fine, fine bodies for however long it lasted. Last I heard, neither would go near you with a ten-foot pole. What exactly was it that you got tested for at the health clinic last month?”
Ouch.
I’m so glad I’m not Stacie. Poor girl, she looks like she would be relieved if Armageddon arrived right here, right now. Oh well, she had it coming. I’m pretty sure she’s one of the strongest proponents of the “Tessa tried to off herself” brigade.
“You’re such a bitch! I’m glad Jay broke up with your sorry ass.” Stacie’s face is turning a rather garish shade of purple at an alarming rate. I’m afraid she might have a stroke; Nicole needs to back off, but the poor girl is giving her one too many excuses. She’s going to get pulverized. That sorry excuse of a retaliation is just more ammunition for someone with the skills of Nicole.
“At least we had monogamy, honey. I don’t know how I’d feel about my boyfriend being more active than a stud horse.”
She shoots, she scores. The round goes to Nicole Andrea Bishop; actually, wait, she wins the whole freaking championship. Someone give her the gaudy gold belt now. I look at Stacie and am actually scared for her. She needs to run, run right now before she suffers a nervous breakdown. Smart girl that she isn’t but decides to be, she huffs and shoots us both a death glare and stomps away. I think she might need a therapist after this.
I turn to Nicole, who’s still watching her latest victim stomp away and try to figure out her latest angle. Why on earth would she stand up for me? Is it because Cole and I are no longer together? Does she think she finally has a shot with him now? Is she going to use me again?
I really, truly don’t know; besides, both my brain and heart aren’t ready for going into that. Who knows what twisted scheme Nicole’s working on now? What I do, however, know is that from now onward, I need to focus on the positives in my life. It’s been a month of moping, and while I’m yet to recover from the devastation that is my poor heart, I’m done hurting the people around me. Time to man up, Tessa.
“Thanks?” I say to her and she simply shrugs in response.
“I always wanted to say all that to her. It was even more fun than I expected.”
Leaning against my locker, I study her. “Do you spend your days trying to figure out how to hurt people?”
Facing me, she crosses her arms over her chest and raises an eyebrow. “Is that how you normally thank people who help you out?”
I huff out, “I never asked for your help. And it’s not like I don’t remember that; that was me seven months ago.”
She whistles lowly. “Well then, next time when I see one of them going at you, I’ll just leave you to the sharks.”
Feeling bad about being mean to her, I stop her as she’s walking away, “I’m sorry. You were just trying to help, but I don’t really agree with your method.”
“Too soon?”
“Too soon,” I agree and she nods.
“But can I ask you something?” Here it comes. She’s going to ask me about the breakup. Then she’s going to ask if Cole’s available and if, in the shadow of our newly formed truce, she could steal him as smoothly as she’s done in the past.
Honestly, I might have a love-hate, mostly hate, relationship with the guy right now, but I’d rather have my hair catch fire than see them together, or even entertain the idea.
Preparing to bring my claws out, I practically snap at her, “What?”
“I get it that you’re really affected by whatever happened with Cole, but Tessa, what the hell are you doing to yourself? You’re mopey and letting people walk all over you. I mean, if you had the nerve to stand up to me, the rest of these shitholes should be a walk in the park. When are you going to get a grip and control what’s happening?”
I’m rendered speechless. After people tiptoeing around me for so long, never testing my emotional stability, Nicole’s words are like a bucket of ice-cold water. I’m thrown for a loop, nothing coming to mind as to what could be the right answer. I don’t know how to answer her.
It’s because she’s right. I’m doing it again, being weak and a pushover. The only difference is that now it’s not Nicole who’s bullying me, it’s my feelings and my stupid, pathetic, blackened heart. All it wants to do is retreat into my shell and whine and cry. It’s what I used to do before Cole, and now I’m doing it because of him. Oh boy, have I come a twisted full circle.
“Think about what I just said. Don’t let one bad relationship experience knock you down. If you go back to being who you were at the start of the year, then everything he’s done for you becomes pointless.”
I know who she’s referring to, but it’s not the argument I want to hear. I don’t owe Cole anything, not anymore. But she’s right about one thing—I can’t go back to being who I was. That would just make every life-changing experience I’ve had this year a waste of time, and nothing’s worth doing that.
“Is she bothering you?”
Jay, bless him, has been trying his best to act like my knight in shining armor. No one dares ask offending questions when he’s around, so he’s taken the role of my bodyguard this finals week. Most importantly, it wards off Cole and buys me some time while I get myself ready to talk to him.
It’s only because I need some closure; that’s it.
Though the look on his face when he sees Jay around me is kinda like a kick to the stomach. He looks hurt, but he has no right to do so. He doesn’t get to act hurt and be the victim here. But Jay doesn’t seem fazed and is really insistent on being well…anywhere where I am. I can’t be bothered to talk to him about it. He shows up at all the inappropriate times; this one would be a prime example.
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Stone; I am capable of having a civil conversation.”
It’s weird that she refers to him as Stone, and it makes my heart ache.
“Not with her, you aren’t. She doesn’t need your shit right now.”
I roll my eyes. “Jay, it’s okay. She was just helping out. I had a little run-in with Stacie Dixon and she stepped in.”
Jay narrows his eyes at her, but Nicole doesn’t flinch. It’s really strange to see them like this and an even more awkward position to be in. I have no idea what their post-breakup relationship is like. From what I’ve heard, they avoid each other at any cost, so it’s not the easiest thing to be in the middle of their showdown.
“Stay away from her. You’ve done enough damage as it is; don’t bother being her friend now.”
“Hey!” I want to hit him over the head for being so insensitive, but my words fall on deaf ears. Nicole’s raring and ready to have a go at him.
“And you haven’t? God, do you know what you did to her? You’re as much to blame as I am! Stop acting so high and mighty, Jason. You always knew what I did or why I did it.”
I don’t wait to hear his response and leave them to hash it all out. If the hatred that’s radiating from the two of them for each other is any indication of how they feel, then it’s a miracle that their relationship survived as long as it did. Maybe all relationships are meant to be doomed. Every single one I’ve witnessed in my life is an example of it, the biggest being my parents.
I shudder at the thought of one day ending up like them and go to take my last final and that is calculus. If that doesn’t bring you down, then I don’t know what does. Oh wait, I have the perfect answer to the question.
It’s the person who has sat next to him during every single exam this week.
When I reach the classroom, I ignore Cole and sit at my desk, making a big show of digging my pencils and pens out from my tote. He always tries to catch my eye, but I religiously try not to and am pretty good at it. I usually end up finishing my exam early and leave early, and he doesn’t have the opportunity to corner me after class.
Except today.
It’s calculus, and despite all my hard studying, math is not a monster I can defeat. By the end of the first hour, I’m pulling at my hair and resisting the urge to just get up and leave. Megan’s tutored me and helped me catch up with any classes I’d zoned out in, but this is beyond saving. I struggle until I’m somewhat certain I’ll get a decent grade and then start packing up my things. Today I finish at the same time as everyone, so my usually evasive technique fails me.
Megan and Beth are taking an exam for another class right now, so there’s no one I could’ve had stand guard. This is exactly why, as I’m briskly walking away, Cole catches up with me.
I could pretend that I haven’t been staring at him this week. I could pretend that it doesn’t give me any satisfaction when I notice how tired and haggard he looks all the time. The circles under his eyes tell me he hasn’t been sleeping. He’s lost weight, his hair’s longer, and he no longer bothers to shave daily. Even today, there must be a five-day stubble on his face.
He still looks good, the bastard.
Not that I care.
“Wait, hey, wait!”
Gritting my teeth, I force myself to slow down. That would be the mature thing to do, right? I can’t avoid him forever. We live in the same neighborhood, for Christ’s sakes. I need to handle this like a grown-up. Even if what I want to do most involves a train track and some really sturdy rope.
The worst part is that it’s not him I want to subject to a painful, writhing death. It’s her, the girl who came and wrecked my whole world.
I don’t know if I can even hate him.
Walking slowly till I get to my car, I lean against it and wait for him to get to me. It looks like he’s been running or had the breath knocked out of him. I notice how unhealthy the pallor of his skin is. He looks terrible but in a…cute, tortured, starving-artist kind of way.
My conflicted emotions about him are so healthy…not.
My heart’s racing wildly, and it reaches the point of bursting out of my chest by the time Cole nears me. We haven’t been this close in weeks. Not since he came to my room that one time, but he doesn’t know that I know. This, right here, is the first time we both know we’re going to talk and that it’s going to be important.
I’m not sure I’m ready.
***
“Hey,” he breathes out, his voice hoarse.
I feel the pull immediately, that intense emotional connection that I’ve always had with him. It’s there, thickening the tension between us. I’m genuinely at a loss for words or actions. It’s not like I’ve read up on the protocol for dealing with cheating boyfriends, or ex-boyfriend? I don’t know. I’m so confused, and he’s making it worse by being all up in my space. When he’s at a distance, I can store away all the memories and feelings. There’s only this dull ache somewhere in the back of my mind. I’ve trained myself to ignore it, but I can’t do that now. It’s all coming back. Him, her. Him with her, and the past month, everything’s playing like a film reel inside my head.
And all he has to say is “hey.”
“What do you want from me?”
He looks crestfallen that those are the first words he hears from me. I sound harsh, but not overly emotional. The goal is to tell him that he can’t be a part of my life anymore, and nor can I be a part of his. We need to let each other go. There’s too much pain in the past, and if I ever go through something like that again, I won’t make it out of there alive.
“Tessie, please just…”
“Don’t. No one calls me that anymore, so just don’t.”
He exhales and runs his hand through his hair; the familiar sight makes my eyes sting.
“I deserve that—I do. But can we…can we try to fix this? I…I just wanted to check up on you. How are you feeling now?
His eyes dart to my bandaged hand. It makes me so glad I’m having the damn bandage removed tomorrow, but it’ll leave a scar. Good, that way I’ll always have a reminder of when I was at my lowest. It’ll remind me to never get that way again, especially not over a guy.
“I’m fine.”
“Congratulations about Brown; I always knew you’d get in.”
Oh right, that. I got into the one university I’d always wanted to get into, the only one I’d applied to, stupidly enough, and I’d received the acceptance a few days ago. I kind of resent him for the fact that I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. He took that away from me. Regardless, at least that’s some good news.
“Thanks.”
He struggles to make conversation, and I stick to overly economical replies. It’s painful being here with him when all I want is to scream and shout at him, hit him. I don’t know what he’s doing by making us both go through with this.
So, I ask.
“Why are you here? Why are you asking all these questions that don’t even matter?”
He sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets. “I miss you; I really miss you. I still love you, even if I don’t deserve you. I needed to see you, hear your voice. I’m—”
“If you care about me at all, then do me a favor.” I look him right in the eyes as I prepare to deliver the final blow.
“Anything, ask me anything.”
“Leave me alone. We’re done; you did what you had to do. I watched my parents cheat on each other; I saw my brother get shattered over what Jenny did to him. I can’t be like that; I can’t be them. So, you need to back off before we make things worse.”
His lips turn into a straight line; his eyes blaze with fury. “What we have is nothing like your parents or what happened with Travis. You know I love you; you know I would never hurt you on purpose. If you never believe anything I ever say again, then just believe that.”
Heart pounding, I will myself to not become weak. “You’re right about one thing. I’m never going to believe anything you say ever again. You think it’s just what you did that’s the problem here? Are you forgetting what you said to me? How you ridiculed me? All this time you’ve been telling me to respect myself, but you never learned to respect me. In your head, I’m still that pathetic girl who’s obsessed with your brother. You never got over that, and I did everything to prove you wrong. Do you see how big of a hypocrite you are? You did everything you were afraid I would do.”
There—damage done. I’ve said all that I’ve been venting into a diary these days. But while it felt good on paper, it feels absolutely horrible now. The blood drains from Cole’s face; he looks sickly pale and like he’s just been struck with something heavy. His eyes become glossy, oh god.
I need to get out of here before I say or do something else. He doesn’t try to stop me when I get into the car and leave. As I drive away, I see him in the parking lot, right where I left him. But he isn’t standing anymore. He’s on his knees and his body is shaking violently.
What have I done?
***
Summer break starts with the girls and me planning a road trip. We’re all going our separate ways in the fall, but for now we can stick together and enjoy what’s left of our time together. We’re also pretty optimistic about the future of our friendship.Weekly phone calls and Skype dates have been sworn upon. Weekly phone calls and Skype dates have been sworn upon, so we’re good on that front. Frankly, I’m not worried; I know I’ll have these two girls as my friends for a lifetime.
I’m coming back from yet another day of packing up things in Beth’s old house. I pull into my driveway, only to see an unfamiliar car there and someone sitting at the doorstep of the house. It’s a guy, judging from the body shape, but his face is hidden since he’s clasped his hands at the back of his head and is staring down at the ground. I squint to get a clearer vision because although I would not like to be murdered in my own house, I’m guessing an ax murderer wouldn’t be driving a Mercedes.
He looks up when I get out of the car, shutting the door loudly enough to demand attention. I’m wise enough not to approach a stranger directly, but when I see his face, I realize that he isn’t a stranger at all. He’s much worse, and he reminds me of a time I’d rather not be reminded of.
Getting up, he dusts off his jeans. “Hi.”
Rooted to the spot, I try not looking too hostile, but it’s impossible. He shouldn’t be here, even if that’s only because I’m being grossly immature about the whole thing.
“Lan, w-what are you doing here?”
He chuckles nervously. “Can we at least go inside the house first?”
The manners ingrained in me by my country-club mother make me kick myself. Of course, I should invite him in regardless of the fact that he’s Cole’s best friend. So what? That doesn’t make him the enemy or something. It’s the same as with Alex. I can’t blame him for what his friend did.
“I’m sorry; please come in.”
Unlocking the door, I let us both in and grab some sodas to make up for my earlier lack of manners. He’s made himself home at a stool by the kitchen island and is studying the house.
“Nice place.”
“Thanks, it’s my parents’,” I say dryly, popping the top off my Diet Coke and taking the seat opposite him.
“Rich kid problems, I get it. Been there, rebelled against that.”
I nod, and then an uncomfortable silence follows. We’re both concentrating heavily on the pattern on the countertop. Finally taking a deep breath, I repeat my earlier question. “What are you doing here?”
“You know the answer to that.” He studies my face carefully, probably waiting for a violent reaction of some sort.
But I remind myself of the need to be mature about this, even if I want to run away screaming.
“What if I don’t want to talk?”
“You should. What I have to say is important.”
“But I don’t have to listen.”
“It would be better if you did, Tessa, please.”
“Better for whom?”
“Everyone. You, Cole, your family and friends who have to see the two of you like this.”
It stings that he’s brought up the ripple effect of our breakup and reminded me of how selfishly I acted. Beth lost her mother, for God’s sake, and even she didn’t go into a downward spiral as badly as I did. I should be ashamed of myself; I am ashamed of myself.
So, I listen to what he has to say.
“What has Cole told you about Erica?”
Hearing her name creates a sort of inferno inside me. I picture her with her red hair, her whole innocent act, and the way her eyes followed Cole’s every move. The more I’ve thought about her recently, the more I’ve realized that she probably came with the plan to ruin my life already formed inside her devious mind.
“That she’s a man-stealing witch, and that’s the PG version.”
He laughs. “No, seriously, do you know anything else about her?”
“They mentioned that their parents are friends, that they’ve been friends for a long time. She told me a bit about her parents, grandparents. I think that’s all.”
“But you could see how attached she was to Cole, couldn’t you?”
“I think that would’ve been obvious to anyone within a two-mile radius. She looked at him like…I don’t know, like she worshipped the ground he walked on or something.”
“But Cole doesn’t see that, does he? He just sees her as this…”
I complete the sentence for him. “Like his buddy who just happens to be a girl. He buys the whole can-do-no-wrong act. It’s disturbing, actually.”
He sighs as if he sympathizes and understands exactly how I feel. “You’re right, but I’ve talked to him about it, and I think he finally gets it that Erica’s not just a friend.”
“Well, that’s brilliant, but it’s too late.”
“No, it’s not. There’s something else you need to hear, Tessa, and it could change everything. I know more about Erica than you might think…I wish I didn’t, but I do.”
Confused as all hell, I ask him, “You’re scaring me. What are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying that I dated her last summer. I stayed at the beach house, and so did Jameson and Seth. Cole invited us, and we all thought it’d be this guys’ summer, but then she showed up. I didn’t notice anything weird at first, but I should have. She was hot and staying in the same place. I was attracted to her, and we started going out. I didn’t realize until later that she used me to make Cole jealous.”
My heart starts pounding; he sounds like he’s going to deliver a much harsher blow now.
“She would find ways to bring him up during our dates. She’d ask questions about him, about you…it was weird, but I pushed it off. When he was around, she’d start feeling me up just to get a reaction. When she didn’t get any, she’d get mad and lock herself in her room for hours. Cole never noticed any of this. He even got into a fight with me because he thought I wasn’t treating her right. We got over it eventually, and I haven’t talked to or seen Erica since I left that summer.”
“Oh. My. God,” I gasp. She’s psychotic, she’s obsessed, and she finally got what she wanted.
“It’s a lot to take in, I know, but you need to know something about her, Tessa. The thing about Erica, Tess, is that…it’s that she’s a compulsive liar.”
I’m going to pass out, that’s what’s going to happen here. I can’t breathe, and apparently Lan’s not finished talking.
“I don’t believe what you do. I don’t think Cole did anything with her. I talked to the guy that night; he was trashed out of his mind. She could’ve told him anything the next day and he would’ve agreed. Because that’s what he does. He blames himself for screwing things up, even when it isn’t his fault. Come on, Tessa, do you really believe Cole would do that to you?”
Would he?
Did he?
Holy Shit.
“But you said…you just said that he was drunk, really drunk. I…I remember Cole saying he’d been drinking a little, and that would mean he might have had too much to drink when he…”
“I drove up to give him a ride back into town, Tessa. I was there; I saw the tequila and the whisky and the vodka. I also noticed that …Erica wasn’t hung over at all. Cole, on the other hand, well, it’s lucky he didn’t die from alcohol poisoning.”
“So, what are you trying to tell me?”
“I’m telling you that Erica probably fed him shit. That what he thinks happened probably didn’t. Drunk or not, he wouldn’t touch a girl that’s not you. Trust me, I know him.”