Chapter Twelve
Mad, mad, mad, mad…”
Susannah shook her head as she hurried towards the Gerrard house in Bruton Street. There was no reason in the world why she should still be clinging to this mad fantasy of Colin, letting him bring her closer and closer, all the while knowing she should be fleeing in the opposite direction. For his own good. But she couldn’t resist him, not now, not ever. He had always had power over her and she was just weak enough to submit.
For now.
The memory of his kisses the day before still seared her lips, and she smiled to herself yet again. What wild and reckless feelings had surged within her then, making her bold and brave, pressing herself more tightly against him, clutching his clothing like a madwoman in her passion. There had been no thought or logic in it, only the heady sensation of his very essence swirling around her, through her, stealing the very breath from her lungs…
She faltered slightly as she lost her footing, her heart racing far too unsteadily. She cleared her throat and forced her mind into safer paths. Colin Gerrard was dangerous in general, and for her in particular. The more time she spent with him, the more dangerous the situation became.
Which made her actions now entirely idiotic. Imagine, going to his house to meet his sisters and to spend more time with him, knowing their relationship was changing more and more every day, and knowing how she longed to be in his arms again. Everything made perfect sense there, and what did not make sense was simply not there. No evil existed, no fear prevailed.
But the harsh reality of her life crashed down more painfully about her ears when those moments ended.
And she was determined to keep a level head.
She bit her lip as she looked up at the house. It was far easier to say such things than it was to do them.
She had avoided this for as long as possible, knowing it would be harder to turn back once this began. London was far and away safer, as a whole, than Colin’s home and Colin’s family. She could hardly maintain an appropriate distance when she was enveloped within his life.
After what she had allowed, and enjoyed, yesterday, there was very little distance anywhere he was concerned.
She shouldn’t be doing this. Her business with Mr. Jacobs had not gone well, and she could not afford distractions. Her family needed money badly, and she had very little to share as yet. Charity of the family neighbors would only go so far. She ought to be finishing her work from the modiste, and finding other small tasks she could do while staying with Lady Cavendish. Anything to earn money.
Not spending her free time for exquisite moments of sweetness with a man she could never have.
She was shown into the house at once and her things were taken by a rather somber-faced butler, who then handed them off to a pair of apparently fatigued maids. He then directed her to the back terrace, where both Misters Gerrard were currently situated, and where children were playing. Susannah wanted to ask questions, but uneasiness oozed from the butler as if it were cologne. She felt bad for the man, sensing that order and composure were essential not only to his position but to his nature. Such an upheaval of normalcy must have been very distressing for him.
And it appeared that the newest Gerrard siblings, for all that Colin sang their praises, had not won over the entire household.
Outside, she saw Freddie running around with three little girls, one of whom wore a blindfold and was trying desperately to chase the others. All four were laughing uproariously, and Freddie and another girl were helping the youngest to evade the blindfolded one. When she nearly caught the youngest again, but missed, they all laughed once more. Freddie and the other girl helped the little one onto his back, shushing each other as they did so.
“Careful now,” an older woman called in a pleasant tone as she watched from one side of the green. That had to be Mrs. Creighton, from the fond, yet protective way she observed them.
“What are they doing?” the blindfolded girl demanded, reaching for her eyes.
“Don’t!” the other children shrieked, still laughing.
“Rosie, don’t cheat!” her sister insisted.
“If you are tricking me, Bitty…” she warned, leaving the blindfold where it was.
“Just play!” Freddie yelled, adjusting the smallest onto his back more securely.
Susannah stepped forward and cleared her throat. “Freddie, be nice,” she scolded, though she was smiling all the same.
All present turned to look at her in surprise. Freddie grinned and waved gaily, then quickly replaced his hand on the small girl he bore on his back. The girls looked confused, and the blindfolded one pushed the fabric up to look at her.
“This is a surprise,” Colin said, coming towards her from where he and Kit had been watching on one side of the terrace. “We were not expecting you for a while yet.”
Susannah shrugged, unable to help smiling warmly at him. “Lady Cavendish is visiting friends this morning and had no use for me. I thought I would come early.”
Colin grinned and gently took her arm. “I’m glad for that.”
Her cheeks warmed under his earnest gaze, and his eyes danced at it. He turned a bit so Kit might see her.
“Good morning, Kit,” Susannah murmured, curtseying in greeting.
Kit curved a half smile and bowed. “Susannah, a pleasure, as always. Should we interrupt the game for introductions?”
She waved a hand and laughed. “Let them play, for heaven’s sake. Only tell me who they are, and I shall get to know them later.”
Colin squeezed her arm softly and Kit nodded, apparently ignorant as to his brother’s actions. Kit turned and pointed at each girl in turn. “The tall one is Rosie, she is nine. Then Bitty, over there by Freddie, she’s six. And last is Ginny, on Freddie’s back, she is three. Girls, this is Susannah, a very old friend, and Freddie’s mother.”
They greeted her in chorus, though Ginny looked uncertain about it.
Bitty put her hands on her hips and looked Susannah over speculatively, then turned to Kit. “She’s not very old, Kit. That wasn’t nice.”
Kit looked back at Susannah with a bemused smile, shaking his head, then turned to face the children once more. “I meant that we have been friends for a very long time, Bitty, not that she was old.”
Her mouth formed a silent O and Rosie rolled her eyes with a laugh.
“Not to be impolite or anything,” Rosie called, putting her hands back onto her blindfold, “but can we get on with our game?”
Colin chuckled and said, “Yes, Rosie, if you call your random flailing about a game.”
She made a face at him and was quick to right her blindfold and set after the others with a roar.
Susannah rapped Colin sharply with a laugh. “You should be nice too,” she scolded.
He grinned at that. “Going to punish me, as well, Mother?”
She scoffed and looked at Kit, watching them with real interest. “They are beautiful girls,” she told them both. “And just as I imagined them, from how Freddie talks about them.”
“Bitty is the little mother of the group,” Kit explained as he turned to lean on the balustrade and watch the game. “She wants us all to be nice all the time, and points out any impoliteness. As you can imagine, she has quite a time with Colin.”
Susannah snickered, which earned her a mock severe look from Colin.
“Ginny is shy,” Colin took over, moving to the terrace railing once more, “and it is nearly impossible to get her to speak more than a few words at a time, even to Kit and me. But she makes her point well enough.”
Kit snorted softly in agreement.
Susannah watched the two brothers as they considered the children. Their warmth and genuine affection for their sisters was plainly evident, and they could not seem to help smiling as they spoke about each. She wouldn’t have thought these two, knowing them as she once had, would ever have been so soft-hearted towards three little girls, but the proof was before her.
“And Rosie,” Kit said, looking at his brother mischievously, “is a handful. Rambunctious and daring…”
“Sweet and stubborn,” Colin added.
“Outspoken and headstrong,” Kit finished. “In a word, she is…”
“Colin,” he and Susannah said at the same time.
Colin looked mock-outraged as the other two laughed heartily. “I beg your pardon!” he said, looking between the two.
Susannah wiped at the tears of mirth. “Oh, Colin, she is your very likeness. Are you sure she isn’t yours?”
Kit scoffed loudly and covered his mouth at once.
Colin glowered at them both. “Positive. And that joke is getting really old.”
They all continued to watch the children for a bit, when Susannah suddenly noticed something about her son. Not just something, but something rather important and almost shocking as he ran around gleefully with the girls.
“Wait, wait,” she said, interrupting whatever Colin had been saying. “What is Freddie wearing?”
The men said nothing.
She looked more closely, and sure enough, he was wearing new clothing, of a far better quality than he had worn since his early days at Pavel House. And not only was he wearing them, he was romping in them. Getting them dirty. Completely at ease in them.
“Where did Freddie get new clothes?” she asked, whirling to face Colin. “How much did you spend on him, Colin? Why would you exert yourself like that? I never intended for you to have to go that far for him, it was enough that he should be tended to, but to provide him with such excesses? Colin…”
“Don’t yell at me,” Colin said, raising his hands defensively and shaking his head with a smile. “That was entirely Kit.”
Susannah turned in surprise to Kit, who was smiling without shame.
“Kit?” she asked softly, completely baffled now.
He shrugged, still smiling. “We couldn’t have a pretend Gerrard not matching the real ones, now could we?”
She swallowed with great difficulty. “I will never be able to repay you.”
“Who is asking you to?” Colin murmured behind her.
Kit nodded in agreement. “Call it our dues, Susannah. We are happy to do this and more, without question. And without restitution.” His last words were said with a very severe look of warning at her.
She could only nod, tears welling in her eyes, her chest beginning to burn with emotion.
Kit smiled and put a hand on her arm, which she covered with her own. Colin encircled her shoulder with his arm and pulled her in close. “Don’t cry,” he murmured with a soft laugh. “You’ll set Bitty off, and then Ginny will cry because Bitty is, and then Rosie will yell, and all hell will break loose.”
Susannah managed a watery chuckle and dabbed at her eyes quickly. “I’m sorry,” she said, finding a handkerchief suddenly at her disposal. “It’s just too much…”
“Stop that,” Colin insisted. “You heard Kit, we’re happy to do this and more. And you know I always agree when Kit is working in my interest.”
They all laughed and continued watching the children until they were exhausted from the game. She met Mrs. Creighton and found her to be far more suited to the eccentricities of the house than any other woman she had ever met. She handled the children, and the grown men, with ease and candor that was refreshing and amusing, and never so much as batted an eyelash when Ginny ducked under the table at luncheon to hide.
“Someone slide her plate down there, if you would be so kind,” she had simply asked the others. “She throws the most frightful tempers when she is hungry.”
Colin seemed to sense Susannah’s awe and amusement, for his eyes met hers with a knowing light on a regular basis. He always seemed to be on the edge of laughter, and she wondered what it had to be like to live in such a joyful place.
The girls themselves were delightful, if a bit overwhelming. Bitty wanted to show her the new song she was learning, but there was no pianoforte yet, at which point she glared viciously at her brothers, who looked sheepish. Rosie animatedly described the book she was currently reading, with some help from Freddie, who seemed to view all of the girls with a wondrous sort of amusement and delight. She had always wanted siblings for her son, but not as things had stood before, and not with his father, or in that life.
But this was perfect for him.
Even Ginny had warmed to Susannah by the end of her visit, sitting on her lap and chattering away as they played with two of her stuffed dolls. She had not needed to see the openly gaping expressions of Ginny’s siblings to know that this was a rare thing indeed. And she had nearly cried again when the sweet child yawned and cuddled against her for warmth.
All too soon, it was time to return to Lady Cavendish, and extensive farewells were required, along with a promise for a quick return and a storytelling next time. Colin offered to walk her home, and she was only too delighted to accept the invitation. As charming and warm as she found his family to be, she wanted to have time with him as well. Alone.
“I cannot imagine anyone being so well received by my sisters,” Colin praised as they walked. “You were the epitome of a triumphant success!”
Susannah smiled and gave him a wry look. “Oh, I imagine Tibby does better with them than I.”
He shook his head immediately. “No, they are fascinated and terrified by Tibby and are more like her puppies than anything else. You were their friend and their playmate and their confidante… Susannah, you were the closest thing they have had to a mother since they lost theirs.”
She sighed and had to look up at the sky to avoid tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Why in the world are you sorry for that?” he asked, stepping closer so their arms would brush.
“I didn’t mean to become so attached.” She shook her head, forcing the tears back. “I know how hard it must be for them, adjusting to life here without her, and then to have someone else come in and make things muddled and confusing…”
“Sweetheart, I couldn’t be more delighted by what just happened,” he gently overrode. “I am glad for it. Beyond glad. And so is Kit, if you could not tell.”
She looked up at him with a frown. “No, I’m sure you are wrong.”
“I am positive I am right,” he insisted. “He has not smiled that much in one day in years. He adores the girls and anything that makes them happy makes him happy. We try our best to fill the gaps in their life, Susannah, but we are two bachelors with no idea of anything much. The cards are stacked against them. You brought light into their day, and we are all desperate for more.”
It was too much, too difficult to breathe in the idea of more with him, with them. She exhaled a dry, half sob and put a hand to her chest looking away. Faintly, she wished that Lady Cavendish lived closer, not for nearer proximity to Colin, but for a quicker escape. Her heart could not take these glimpses into a heaven she had craved so desperately her entire life.
“Is it too much?” he asked softly, still too close for her sanity.
She nodded rapidly, her breathing beginning to settle. “I loved every moment of today, Colin. I am sure I won’t be so overwhelmed once I get used to it. I just… I never thought I would have this. Even for a day.”
Colin groaned and moved to pull her into his arms, but she hastily skittered back, holding up a hand.
“We are in public,” she laughed, giving him an apologetic smile. “Though I appreciate the thought.”
He looked disconcerted, but he dropped his arms, his hands becoming fists, and he nodded. “How is life with Lady Cavendish?” he asked, his voice carefully polite as he continued walking.
She smiled in relief, and in amusement. “It’s wonderful, now that you mention it. But I am entirely useless to her.”
He gave her a look. “I refuse to believe that.”
“I’m not being self-deprecating!” she insisted with a laugh. “I mean she literally has no use for me. I see no reason why Lady Cavendish has a need for a companion at all. She has many friends, rarely sits down for more than ten minutes, and is not at all interested in slowing with age.”
Colin chuckled. “I should have known that Tibby would have friends just as independent as she is. Do you get to see much of London? The shops, or calls, or anything fun?”
She smiled thinly and raised a brow. “A bit. But we have been a little occupied the last few days. Lady Cavendish is expecting her nephew any day.”
Colin slowed his step and exhaled slowly. “Idiot,” he hissed to himself. Then he turned his head just enough to look at her. “That would be Miles Cavendish, yes?”
Susannah nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. The sudden tension in Colin was practically visible. He was perfectly coiled, as if ready to fight at a moment’s notice. She knew he would not like this, but a sudden mischievous streak had lit her mind, and she wanted to see where it led. “And she is most anxious for me to meet him,” she added for good measure.
“You are not to go within twelve feet of that man, do you hear me?” he growled, sending a shiver up her spine.
The order made her twitch slightly, and again she had to crane her neck in response.
Colin did not notice. “It would be entirely improper, Lady Cavendish has to know that. Her nephew… and her companion? No, absolutely not.” He shook his head frantically. “I’ll tell Tibby, she can talk some sense into her. Difference in station, in fortune, in temperament, everything. Wrong, wrong, wrong…”
Susannah almost gagged at the sudden flash of pain that lit her chest and her throat at his words. He was so fierce and determined, his words harsh and his manner almost violent. She had not expected this reaction from him. He had been so good to her, so thoughtful, and he had said it was all behind him now. But this?
“There is no need to point out the discrepancy,” she snapped, putting as much distance between them as possible. “I already did that, I can assure you. And I am well aware of the distance between Mr. Cavendish and myself, I have no expectations or designs.”
She turned and started to walk briskly ahead, but he caught her arm.
“Hold on, there,” he said roughly, pulling her back. “Come back.”
She exhaled sharply and stopped, her lips compressed tightly together. Colin put both hands on her upper arms and bent a little to meet her eyes.
“You know why I am upset, don’t you?”
Susannah shrugged and looked away.
He reached out a hand to cup her cheek and turn her face back to his. When she met his eyes again, he smiled and stroked her cheek softly. “Miles Cavendish is a young and attractive man of considerable means, which means he can have any woman in the world. And if he spent five minutes with you, there would be nothing in heaven or hell that would keep him from proposing to you.”
Her jaw went slack at his words, and her knees shook as he continued to stroke along her cheek.
“And I just can’t let that happen,” he admitted, his smile turning curious and warm.
She needed to think clearly, needed to be away from his tantalizing touch. She swallowed hastily and forced a laugh as she stepped back and started walking again. “Don’t be ridiculous, Colin. No one would propose to anyone that fast.”
“Well…” he said slowly as he followed.
Something in his voice clenched her stomach and she half-turned, but kept walking. “Well what?”
He met her gaze, his eyes clear and bright. “Marry me.”
She nearly stumbled backwards and coughed her surprise. “Excuse me?” she managed to get out.
He raised his chin a little higher. “Marry me, Susannah. I’ve been up most of the night thinking about it, and I want you to marry me.”
Her mouth worked without sound, and she stopped to face him completely. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am serious. Completely.”
“Colin,” she said in exasperation, wildly looking around for any witnesses. “You can’t propose that fast, we just got to know each other again.”
He shrugged. “I can if I love you.”
All of the air in her lungs rushed out in one breath. “Wh-what?”
Slowly, he shrugged once more, now smiling. “I love you. Again. Still. Always. And I don’t see the point in drawing things out.”
He could not, could not understand what he was asking of her. What he was saying. He couldn’t mean any of this, not really. She slowly shook her head. “Colin…”
He took two steps forward and seized her arms. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
A small, stray fragment of air hitched in her throat. “I…” she choked, her voice disappearing entirely.
“Go on.”
She shook her head. “It’s too soon. I… I need more time.”
He gave her a look. “It’s been almost twenty years.”
She returned the look coldly. “You know what I mean. We have just barely been friends again, and we were only children before, we did not…”
“Don’t,” he interrupted. “Don’t trivialize what we had. That was as real as anything, and we both know it.”
She shook her head, unable to think about that. “And you’re ready to marry me already?” she went on, as if he hadn’t spoken.
He exhaled in irritation. “People have done so for less.”
“We are hardly just any people, Colin.” How could he not see that? But she could not walk away from him, not yet. She held her breath, pleading with her eyes for him to understand.
His eyes narrowed a little. “So… no?”
Without breathing, she repeated, “No.”
He made a noise of consideration, tilting his head a bit. “More time, you say?”
She nearly wept with her relief. “Definitely,” she said, smiling for effect.
He grunted and released her arms, putting his hands on his hips. “All right, I can be patient. But you had better kiss me or I shall think myself actually rebuffed.”
Willing and able, and glad to do so, she looked around, then quickly stepped forward and took his face in her hands to give him a brief, but fierce kiss. He smirked against her lips and extended the kiss, lingering. When he had her toes trembling in her boots, he broke off and whispered in her ear, his lips dancing lightly across the skin, “I just want you to be assured that this conversation is far from over.”
She shivered as he pressed a light kiss to her ear, no doubt scorching the delicate skin.
Mercifully, he stepped away and laced his fingers with hers, his eyes daring her to deny him. Then he pulled her along and they slowly walked towards Lady Cavendish’s house together.
Susannah breathed in her relief with every step they took, feeling both strengthened and weakened by the feeling of his fingers with hers.
That had been too close for comfort.
It was too close for sanity, let alone comfort.
That could not happen again.
And yet… Colin said he loved her. Whether or not that was really true would remain to be seen, he could hardly understand the value or impact of those words as yet. Perhaps he never would. Perhaps the closer he got, the more he would see that she was not fit for him. She couldn’t be, not anymore. Not with her past and history, her current troubles and danger.
But for now, this beautiful, extraordinary, maddening dream of hers held her hand and thought he loved her.
She could live with that.
For now.
Much later that night, Colin silently made his way through the dark London streets. The note had arrived, as it always did, with clear and direct instructions, no signature, and no indication of what would come.
It didn’t matter. After his missive yesterday, he knew exactly what it was about.
Colin reached the alley he was supposed to, and he leaned against the brick, looking down at his boots, pulling his cap down lower.
He should have known Susannah would have refused him. His proposal had been rash, rushed, and entirely ill-timed. He stood by what he said, he loved her, he wanted to marry her, and he was tired of waiting. But he was not the one who would need convincing that this was right. Susannah had obviously had a hard time of it, and she had every reason to wonder if he was in his right mind.
He needed to court her, prove to her that this was real. He was not reliving his youth at this time, he was very fully and conscientiously in the present. And he loved the woman she was here and now.
And that was what brought him here to this alley in the middle of the London in the dead of night.
Love. And Susannah.
“Care to tell me what business you have with Miss Hart?” asked a familiar yet unfamiliar voice.
Colin sniffed a laugh and looked down the alley, where his companion remained in shadow, as he always was. “Shouldn’t that be my question to you?”
He saw the other man shrug. “I have an interest in everybody. Ergo, my letters about your brother and Miss Bray.”
Colin considered that for a moment. “Fewer letters of late, there.”
“Fewer things to say. Why are they so quiet?”
“Well,” Colin sighed, leaning his head back, “Marianne has been surprisingly reserved since that incident with her brother’s wife in the winter. She hardly made a peep all Season. I think she is making restitution.”
There was a faint snort. “It won’t last.”
“Never does,” Colin agreed.
“And your brother?”
“A bit occupied with our new sisters, I think.”
“I heard about that.”
Colin grinned and looked in his direction. “Yes, I suppose you would have.” He laughed once. “Beyond that, I think there is a problem with one of the estates that has him distracted. Cheshire, I think.”
“Yorkshire.”
Colin laughed. “Braggart. At any rate, he should be back to normal soon as well. Back to Miss Hart, if you please.”
The man laughed softly. “Very well. I happened to meet Miss Hart in London myself a few weeks ago. We’ve been keeping an eye on her ever since, so you could say I have a personal interest.”
“You what?” Colin asked jerking up. “What was she doing? What were you…?”
“I am not here to talk about that,” he said brusquely, effectively cutting him off. “There is not time, and it doesn’t matter to the present situation. You want me to look into her past?”
Colin did not like being dictated to, nor having his questions dismissed, but considering the man he was dealing with and the potential severity at hand…
“Her real name is, or was, Susannah Merritt. Her family lived near Seabrook in Devon. She was married around the age of sixteen, or so I think, and I do not know who or where, or anything beyond that. But she has a son, Frederick, and he is seven. Also, yesterday she was seen going to visit a Mr. Jacobs, a solicitor for tradesmen in the financial district. I don’t know what for.”
“And why do you need the information, Gerrard?” There was no accusation in the tone, he was all business, but Colin had enough dealings with the man to know his hints of concern.
“She is in trouble,” he said softly. “Possibly a great deal of trouble, and I need to know about it.”
There was a faint hum of discontent. “I knew there was something about her, and my men have reported things to me that don’t add up. Why haven’t you tried to find something out yourself? You have the resources and the ability.”
“I did. Years ago, before I had the resources I do now. And now that I have them, and she is back in my life, I cannot be the one to do it. I can’t.” He shook his head quickly, and swallowing was difficult. “I need you to do this.”
“Are you sure you want to know?” he asked cautiously. “Who knows what I may find.”
Colin nodded, swallowing at last. “I know. I am sure.”
There was a moment of hesitation. “All right,” he said finally. “I’m on it. I will be in touch.” He turned to go.
“Gent?” Colin called softly.
He turned only slightly. “Yes?”
“Thank you. For watching out for her.”
The Gent gave a light chuckle. “It has been my pleasure. And I mean that this time.”
Colin glowered. “I hope you mean that platonically.”
He could almost see the suddenly quirked brow. “She’s yours, then?”
Colin stiffened and his jaw tensed in defense. “No…”
“So, yes.”
He heaved a sigh of resignation. “Yes.”
The Gent chuckled heartily and it echoed off the alley walls. “Well played, Mr. Gerrard. Good night.”
And as he always did, he disappeared silently into the night, just as he had come.
Colin shook his head with a smile. The Gent was one of his greatest allies, but he never knew what he looked like or who he was beyond that. It didn’t matter now, but someday…
He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked home, whistling a jaunty tune to himself.
Perhaps this was high-handed of him, and probably a waste of the Gent’s time and abilities. But his motives were sincere, and the information crucial.
Susannah was his.
And he needed to know everything.