Chapter Eight
Susannah made it a point to arrive earlier on Monday to the bridge, to see that Colin had not yet arrived. She was grateful for that, she was far more nervous than she would ever admit. There had been something in his eyes last time that she was hesitant to remember, for fear of becoming fanciful. And there was far too much that she needed to focus on now than whether or not Colin Gerrard might actually enjoy seeing her.
Freddie was restless in their little flat and Sasha was growing busier with her… clientele, though she was always willing to help with him. She needed to find a better solution for them all, and quickly. A run-in with debt collectors yesterday had her rattled, though they had not harmed her, and a strong stranger with an impressive glower had cut off most of their threats. She’d tried to thank him, but he only said, “The Gent keeps his word, ma’am.”
If only the Gent could find her a position that would provide enough for her and Freddie while satisfying the debt collectors’ demands. That would solve everything.
“You’re early this morning.”
She jumped a bit at Colin’s voice, nearer than she expected, and turned to see that he was coming up the bridge towards her. She swallowed her nerves and tried for a smile. “It was easier to find the second time.”
He raised a brow. “You didn’t know where it was the first time?”
What was the point of lying to him? She shrugged. “Not really. And the fog did not help much.”
He smiled easily. “You could have told me.”
“No,” she replied quietly, “I couldn’t.”
His smile faded, and sighed. “Well, there’s no fog this morning.”
She looked up at the clear morning sky. “No, and I think it will be a beautiful day.”
He said nothing for a moment, and then, “You look thin, Susannah.”
She bristled at his words, but his tone was not the cold, superior one he had used with her before. It was almost warm, and concerned. She turned to look at him and found his eyes fixed on her, watching, examining, but not harsh.
She had to swallow again. “I know.”
He stepped closer and the blue of his eyes was all the more vibrant in the morning light. “Are you eating?”
“Of course,” she replied simply, the back of her neck warming.
He gave her a look. “Susannah…”
She sighed and pinched at the bridge of her nose, a headache beginning to form behind her eyes. “Money is a problem, Colin, or else I would not be needing help to find work.” She looked back at him, waiting for his response.
“Are you eating?” he asked slowly, every word carefully emphasized.
“What I can,” she answered with reluctance. Then she swallowed, and corrected herself. “When I can.”
His eyes widened and he reared back just a bit, his eyes quickly raking over her. “Susannah…”
Susannah exhaled sharply. “Colin, not everybody in the world can afford to put food on the table. I do well enough with what I can, so may we please move on?”
He did not look convinced in the least, but Susannah clenched her jaw and gave him as steely a look as she could manage.
Eventually, he sighed, but his eyes were still troubled. “How is your search going?” he asked, trying for light conversation.
She nearly laughed. Where last week it was all business, now it was almost a passing thought, much like the state of the roads or the gossip from Brighton. “Not as well as I should like,” she said, folding her arms.
“How so?”
“Well, I saw the family you found for me, the Hayes.” She shook her head at the memory. “I was turned away at the door once the wife saw me.”
“What?” Colin asked, jerking to look at her. “Why?”
“According to her, I was too young to have any sort of education worth sharing and too pretty to be any sort of sensible creature.” She rolled her eyes. “Too young, indeed. I am older than she is, and I doubt her limited education has done her any good.”
Colin chuckled and inclined his head to indicate they walk, which she responded to with a nod. “Well, we can’t all have been brought up by scholars at Seabrook.”
She laughed, a strange thing for her these days. “I have not thought about them in years! Oh, that was miserable. I was so bored!”
“I remember.” He sighed and gave her an apologetic look. “Well, I am sorry that did not suit. I like Mr. Hayes quite a lot, but I had no idea his wife was a shrew.”
Susannah shrugged. “Perhaps she is not; one encounter need not dictate her entire personality. If that is how she feels, then I would not wish to work for her any way. I may be desperate, but I’ll not be ill-treated.”
Colin smiled a bit too proudly as he looked away towards the trees. She could almost hear the old Colin murmur a soft “That’s my girl,” and it shook her as she moved beside him.
“And the ‘too pretty’ comment?” he asked in a would-be innocent tone. “What of that particular complaint?”
Heat suddenly infused her cheeks as she sat. “Surely you cannot expect me to comment on that.”
“Modesty? Really?” he responded, the first hint of a bite to his tone.
She raised her eyes to his at once and glared. “I cannot help what I look like, can I? I am trying everything I can to make myself as undesirable as possible to avoid that very thing, and if it’s not enough for dear Mrs. Hayes, that is not my fault.”
Colin’s mouth hung open at her words, then suddenly he took her arm and stopped. “I’m sorry, did you say you were trying to make yourself look undesirable?”
Susannah snorted softly and looked down at her hands. “Don’t think me a vain creature. I’ve never been a pretty girl, and I know it, but once I was at least considered fair. I had thought my age would change that, but it seems I will age well, unfortunately. Plain women always get work because no one will notice them. I do the best I can, all right?”
“You misunderstand me, I think,” Colin said too roughly for her comfort.
She looked up to find him watching her with a sort of bewilderment. “About what?”
He shook his head quickly, as if shaking off water from rain. “Never mind. So, the Hayes family is out. No great loss to us, but tragic for their now hopelessly dimwitted children.”
Susannah let out a brief burst of laughter, which she muffled slightly.
Colin grinned and shrugged as if he did not care. “What else have you discovered?”
She quickly and without much detail related her other experiences, none of which had proven successful, save for the modiste, who could only offer her occasional work at this time.
“But there is that appointment with the Tarletons tomorrow,” she finished, “so that could be promising.”
Colin scoffed, shaking his head. “Forgive me if I do not hold my breath for that one. I would not wish anyone to work for a relation of Lady Greversham.” He shuddered and made a face.
Susannah could only shrug. “I’ve never heard of her, and perhaps her relations are not as tiresome.”
“Perhaps…” But he did not sound convinced. “Nothing else has worked?”
Susannah shook her head. “Not as yet, no.”
He winced. “I am sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” Susannah asked, smiling. “It is not your doing, and they were under no obligation to consider me. And I am the one, if you remember, that found a position as a laundress in the Seven Dials.”
Colin groaned and managed a weak smile, a bit more at ease. “Please tell me you are not serious.”
She shrugged. “Probably not, but you never know.”
“I do know, and the answer is no.”
He knew no such thing. She knew very well what sort of place the Seven Dials was, and it was not that much worse than where she was living now. Working there would be far more convenient to her location than anything he could suggest, proper or not.
“And you said something about a blind woman in Cheapside?” he asked, navigating them around a puddle. “What of that?”
She had to smile now. “Mrs. Rogers is probably eighty-three, and is more able than I am in her apartments. She needs assistance when venturing out, and I will be helping her there, at least until I have something else. She just sends for me when she wishes to go out.”
He made a noise of assent, but no further comment.
Susannah did not tell him that Mrs. Rogers could not promise much pay, but she was very gifted with knitting, even without her eyesight. The fruits of Susannah’s labors there could help them get through the winter, but would do nothing to feed her poor boy.
Colin surprised her then by asking after her family, and she barely managed to avoid striking out defensively. No one asked about her family, no one ever knew about them, and she certainly did not want Colin Gerrard to know their situation.
Nevertheless, it seemed he asked in kindness, so she swallowed and assured him that, yes, her family was well. He surprised her with the details he remembered about her siblings, and asked after each in their turn. She was as brief as she could be without being short, avoiding sharing the details of George’s shocking death, Felicity’s ill-fated elopement, and passed off her parents’ descent into utter poverty as “living in quiet contentment.”
“I always liked Charles,” Colin commented as she finished. “The most sensible of your brothers, and the most athletic.”
Susannah smiled at the mention of the one family member who did not plague her. “Yes, he is quite happy in Sussex, I think.”
He raised a brow in question. “You think?”
She shrugged lightly. “We do not communicate much. You forget, we were not that close a family.”
He hummed a noncommittal noise she did not trust, but he said nothing else on the subject.
She slowly wet her lips, then as carefully as she could, asked, “And how is your family?”
To her astonishment, a slow smile spread across his lips. “Rapidly expanding, actually.”
She frowned in confusion. “How’s that? Don’t tell me Kit married a Society lass and is breeding an army somewhere in the country.”
He threw his head back and barked a laugh. “No, heavens no. Kit is as single as any bachelor ever was. No, he is in London, rather wealthy, and the subject of far too much speculation for my taste. But mystery is always a source for gossip, and you know Kit, he won’t address it, so there it is.” He shook his head, still smiling fondly.
“Then what do you mean by expanding?” she asked, still at a loss. A sudden fear seized her chest. Had Colin found love? Had he married and produced children? Were they staking his reputation in this dangerous rendezvous game of theirs?
“What in heaven’s name is going through your head right now?”
The tone and manner were so like the Colin of her past and her dreams that she choked on a swallow as she looked up into his face, hints of a smile dancing at the corners of his lips. He looked so much younger than he had only moments ago, so easy and warm. It was almost as if no time had passed at all.
But it had. And she painfully recalled each agonizing second.
She tried for a smirk. “Lost in my thoughts. You were saying?”
He looked confused for a moment, but mercifully, he did not press her. “The Gerrard family has expanded by three. Three very small and decidedly feminine creatures bearing the unfortunate curse of being our sisters.”
Susannah’s mouth popped open with an audible sound.
Colin nodded at hearing it. “Yes, quite. Loughton, it seems, has been quite the busy fellow.”
Relief cascaded over Susannah like wave after wave upon the shores at Seabrook, and her heart was near to skipping out of her chest. She cleared her throat and tried to think of something to say in response. But thanking him for her present relief seemed rather inappropriate and nothing else was coming to mind.
But Colin had always been a clever fellow, and he pressed on, thus sparing her the trouble of formulating words. He quietly spoke of what had happened, and his sudden fondness for the girls, sharing far more with her than she’d ever expected from anyone, let alone Colin.
“So,” he finished with a sigh, “I suppose the next thing to do is to find a governess.”
The words hung in the air between them, and Susannah glanced at him in disbelief.
Surely he did not expect her to… Surely he was not saying that…
She was shaking her head before the words were even thought. “I can’t do that.”
He looked as surprised as she felt. “I would never ask you to.”
“You weren’t saying…?”
“Absolutely not.” He shook his head frantically and ran his hand through his hair again. “I couldn’t ask that of you, not given our relationship. And you certainly deserve better work than a madhouse of Gerrards.”
Susannah managed to smile, both touched and amused. “I see. Thank you, I think.”
“You are welcome.” His look turned rueful. “Do you think you could help me find a suitable governess for them? Not right away, they are still adjusting, but it should be soon. I have no idea about these things, and as you are looking for such work yourself…”
She tried not to smile, but failed. “I could ask around,” she relented, her cheeks beginning to ache. “And I shall be most discerning about it. No Gerrard girls can have a pitiful or lack wit governess.”
He grinned in relief. “Thank you.”
Susannah released a small sigh and looked up at him, feeling open and honest for the first time. “What are you doing, Colin? I mean really, what is this?”
He shrugged lightly, though his expression was anything but. He knew exactly what she was asking. “Haven’t the foggiest. Don’t really want to think about it either. Do you?”
Did she? Did she really?
“All I know,” Colin said, his voice suddenly low and serious, “is that I’m not done with you yet.”
She could not tell if the words were meant to be ominous or encouraging, but she felt somehow both fearful and hopeful.
This serious and somber Colin, this darker Colin, this more emotional and mysterious Colin… He quite terrified her. And she did not think she was done with him either.
“Can we meet again on Wednesday?”
She looked at him curiously. “So you can see if I’ve eaten? It won’t show by then.”
Something almost like a smile lit his face. “True, but humor me. Besides, I will be curious if you meet Lady Greversham tomorrow, and you promised to help me with finding a governess.”
“So we are using each other?” The words were said with too much bite, but there was nothing for it now.
He gave her a serious, but thorough look. “Something like that. Do I need to see you home, or…?”
“No, no,” she replied too quickly, panic welling up inside. “I have several errands to run before I return home. Thank you, though. For the offer and for the conversation. It was… very kind.”
“I’m not kind, Susannah,” he reminded her.
She now appraised him. “So you keep saying,” she murmured. Heat rose in her cheeks and she bobbed a curtsey. “Good day, Mr. Gerrard,” she said, rushing past him without looking back.
“Good day… Miss Hart.”
Her breathing picked up as she moved away from him, and she scolded herself for being such a fool. She had to be more controlled. She had to find strength where he was concerned.
He was her strength. For fifteen years, he had been all she could keep for herself.
Now her strength was her weakness.
So what could she cling to now?