sixteen
Holly
New dress, check. Killer heels, check. Good attitude, not really, but I’m working on it. Terrified is more like it, but I’ve got to pop my cherry sometime, might as well be now. In a million years, I never thought I’d be going out on another first date.
Even if my heart isn’t in it, at least I look good. Sage keeps telling me the only way I’m going to get over Declan is to get under someone new. I’m not so sure about that, but what I do know is being miserable while he’s screwing his way through the town isn’t accomplishing anything but fueling my anger and misery.
I would have been fine if I hadn’t seen him with that bimbo at Chili’s. Then, to make matters worse, when I was at the store buying enough Ben & Jerry’s to drown the sorrows of a hundred brokenhearted women, I ran into Baxter and Bobby.
I’m sure Declan doesn’t know Baxter is fucking around with Bobby again. Bobby was boasting about how I was lucky to get out before Declan went full manwhore. In the middle of his rant, he mentioned Declan hadn’t been talking to Baxter, either. Baxter wore an expression between shame and sadness and chased me out of the store, begging me not to tell Declan.
What a joke. I don’t have plans to talk to Declan again and told him so. But then I showed my weakness and asked him if it what Bobby said were true. “Please don’t make me answer that,” he said. Instead of leaving and letting Baxter be the friend he’s always been, I sank to my lowest point ever and told him if he didn’t answer, I’d tell Declan about Bobby.
Instead of Ben & Jerry’s, I went back in and bought tequila. It was the first time I’d ever been drunk by myself, and when I woke up on the floor next to the toilet the next morning, I vowed to be a better person and to never again let Declan James be the cause of my tears.
That was last month. I wasted five months of tears and loneliness on someone who’d moved on so fast he probably has whiplash. Maybe he was cheating and had used Sage’s and my conversation to his advantage. I don’t know, but I can’t keep continuing to care.
When the doorbell rings, I give myself one final glance in the mirror. “You can do this, Holly. Luke is nice, he’s cute, and he asked you out, so he’s also interested.”
As I walk to the door, I keep repeating “you can do it” to myself, hoping I won’t be sick.
Putting a smile on my face, I swing open the door. “Hey …”
“Hey yourself,” Declan says, his beautiful blue eyes never leaving mine. His hands are in his pockets and his shoulders are slumped forward. I’d almost feel sorry for him if I weren’t so angry. When I start closing the door, he puts his foot in the way.
“Move it or lose it.”
“Holly, please, can we talk?”
“Now? Of all times, now you want to talk! It’s been six months!”
“Six months, twelve hours, thirty-two minutes and … forty-six seconds. Please, Holls.”
He did not just pull one of the most romantic movie, male lead, get-of-out-of-the-doghouse cards. While I’m thinking of what to do next, he slides inside and closes the door behind him.
“Dammit, Declan! Why are you doing this to me? You ended us, that was your choice. I didn’t ask to be dumped and left behind like an unwanted toy.”
“Holly, I didn’t leave you behind. I was trying to honor you and give you space for all the things you wanted.”
“Honor? Please! You assumed I wanted those things! I never asked for any of it. The only thing I ever wanted was you, Dec.”
He sighs and runs his fingers through his overly long hair. His frustration is evident, but it’s his own fault. If I give in now, he’ll just break my heart all over again.
“I made the biggest mistake of my life letting you go, Holls, and I want to make it right.”
My anger fizzles with the sadness he wears on his face. I’ve cared about this man almost half my life. Even if we can’t be together anymore, I don’t want to hurt him.
“Maybe you do, but I’m not there yet, and I don’t know if I ever will be. It’s been six months and I still don’t know how to cook for one person. How hard can that be, right? Well, let me tell you … it’s really fucking difficult. Whenever I do laundry, I’m constantly checking to see if you need anything washed, and then I remember you’re not here anymore because you left me. Then, there’s chocolate chip cookies. If I want some, I have to buy them because the smell of them baking reminds me of you. Or how about when I’m running late after work and the first person I go to call is you, but then I remember you’re not here worrying about my safety anymore.”
“I’ll always worry about your safety,” he interrupts, eyes brimming with tears. I don’t doubt his sincerity, but I can’t let him pull me back into his vortex.
“Maybe, but you know what I mean. You’ve been my person for ten years, Dec. The one I called when something amazing happened, or the one whose shoulder I cried on when something bad shook me to my core. Except this last time, when the person who shook me to my core was you. Perhaps it’s what I deserve for allowing my best friend and my boyfriend to be the same person.”
He looks at me quizzically. “Sage has been your best friend forever.”
Sadness overwhelms me hearing those words fall from his lips. “Not like you were. Your friendship has always come first to me. Yes, she’s my best girl friend but you quickly became my overall best friend. How could you not know that?”
The little voice in the back of my mind nags at me, calling me a liar. If he were my best friend, I would have told him my secret. Sage knows, Ken knows … hell, even Heather knows to some extent. Why couldn’t I find the courage to tell Declan?
Because I was ashamed and I still am.
“You’re my best friend, too. I miss you, Holls, so fucking much.” He moves closer to me, but I back away slowly.
“You miss your friend Holly, not your girlfriend. Not the woman you were supposed to one day marry. You’re too busy now getting laid by anything with a twat to want to settle down.”
“That’s a low blow.”
I shrug. “If the shoe fits.”
“You were my first …”
“You’re still my only! But that doesn’t matter, does it?”
“Of course it matters! If I had known how wrong I was when I heard what you said, I would’ve never left. We could have talked it out, but I didn’t know … I didn’t realize … I thought you were being truthful because you’d been drinking.”
“It would have helped if you hadn’t missed half the conversation. I wasn’t the only drunk one that night, Dec.”
“I know,” he concedes.
Walking toward me until I’m backed up against the wall, he cups my cheek in his hand. A content sigh falls from my lips before I can stop it. I miss his touch. He lowers his mouth to mine, but before our lips have a chance to meet, I shove my hand between us. I can’t do this, not with him.
Leaning his forehead against mine, he pleads, “Let me in, Holly. It will be better this time, I promise.”
“I can’t. Maybe I could get past it if you hadn’t screwed everything with two legs the past six months. The assumptions I could forgive, the stupidity even, but the thought of you with someone else, your hands on her body … your head between her legs. I’m sorry, Dec, but I’ll never get over that.”
He opens his mouth and closes it repeatedly. There’s an argument he wants to make, but he knows I’m going to shut it down. His eyes locked on mine, he nods with reluctance.
“I’ll go, but I’m not giving up. I’ll never give up. I can’t take back what I’ve done, but you know my heart, Holly, and you know my apology is sincere.”
A strong knock on my door signals what I’ve been dreading since he showed up.
Dammit.
He backs away slowly and looks me up and down with a heated gaze. “You’re going out.”
That’s Declan for you. He’s laser-focused and so hellbent on getting his way, he doesn’t even notice half the shit right in front of his face. Some things never change.
“Just a second,” I call out, and give my attention back to him. “I have a date. My first date since our first date.”
His expression falls, and I hate feeling like I just kicked his puppy or something. This is all on him. “Holly, please don’t do this.”
With everything I have, I want to fall into his arms and tell him how much I love and miss him. But I can’t. Now that he’s been with other women, I know if there’s ever a possibility for us to make our way back to each other I have to date other men. I have to be sure Declan James is the only man who could ever own my heart.
“This is why you left me. Why you broke my heart. I have to see what else is out there. Otherwise, what is the point of all the heartbreak?” Turning from him, I open the door to Luke’s smiling face. When he catches sight of Declan over my shoulder, he tenses.
“Declan was just leaving.”
With one last pleading look, Declan brushes past Luke with an intense warning. “If you fuck with her or hurt her in any way, you’ll have to answer to me.” He pauses and turns around to catch my eye. “I hope you have a nice night, Holly.”
I’m stunned at his words as he rushes off before I have the chance to say anything. “Should we do this another time?” Luke asks with a furrowed brow.
“No, I’m ready to go. Sorry about Declan, he can be a little overprotective.”
Luke seems to relax. “Oh, is he your brother or something?”
“Ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend.” He frowns, and it makes me even more pissed at Dec. “Don’t worry, he’s nothing to worry about. It’s been over for a while. So where are we going?”
“Dinner and a movie? Maybe dessert afterward?”
Declan would hate this, which makes it perfect.
“Sounds good. How was your day?”
Luke follows me out of the apartment, and I lock the door behind us. When we step out into the parking lot, Declan is leaning up against his car talking to Baxter. Baxter waves, but I ignore him as I get into Luke’s car.
“Do you know him, too?”
“He’s an old friend. He got Declan in the divorce so I try not to engage.”
Frozen in fear, Luke stops what he’s doing. “You guys were married?”
Oh Lord, he doesn’t know sarcasm. This is going to be a long night.
“No, it’s an expression. You remember my friend Sage?”
“The girl who sits next to you in English?”
“Yes, the two of us grew up with the two of them. I got Sage in the split and he got Baxter.”
Finally, he’s relaxed enough to start the car. I’m beginning to wish I’d stayed home. If Declan weren’t right there I might have faked a headache. Damn him again.
“I’m not sure I understand why there was a splitting of friends in the first place.”
“Me, either. If I ever figure it out, I’ll let you know.”