seventeen
Declan
Just when I thought the two of us were going to finally reconnect in the most primal way, Holly drops the bomb on me. It’s not as if I haven’t been dying to know what her secret is, but I can’t believe she’s doing it now.
I’ve poured us some wine and started the fire. I’ve got a second bottle on standby because I know she needs liquid courage to get going. I almost offered her some tequila, but considering that’s what got us in this mess in the first place, I refrained.
We’re seated next to each other on the couch, and when she puts her wineglass onto the table, she leans over and gives me a peck on the cheek.
“For luck,” she whispers.
“You don’t need luck, love. We’re moving forward, and what’s in the past doesn’t matter now.”
She picks up her laptop bag and pulls out a book. “You have no idea how much I hope that is true.”
Holly takes a deep breath, exhales, sucks down the rest of the wine in her glass, and sighs. I refill her glass, topping it off completely before adding more to my own.
“We don’t have to do this, Holly, it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay, Declan, and it hasn’t been for a very long time. You should know I’ve been keeping more than one secret. They’re all sort of intertwined, and they snowballed out of control. It’s why I like the truth, I’ve never been good at keeping things hidden.”
This isn’t what I was expecting her to say at all. She flips the book over and holds it out to me. “Stories of my Mother: An Anthology. All proceeds donated to Angels at Risk. Holly, what is this?”
“It’s the end of my lie and the beginning of my truth. In order to go back, I have to start with the present.” She takes another gulp of wine as I hold the book. “You can listen to me talk or you can read. I bookmarked the page where my story starts.”
“Your story? You have a published story in here? Holly, that’s incredible. I’m so proud of you.” Tossing the book aside, I wrap her into a huge hug. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sniffling, she replies, “I would have had to be ready to come clean, and I wasn’t.”
“Tell me everything, love. I’m ready, but I don’t want to read it. I want to hear it from you first. But I will eventually read it because there’s no way I’m not going to devour every word of something you’ve written.”
She pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. “About a year ago, Natalie came to me with a project. She’d been approached to contribute a story to this anthology because one of the writers knew she came from an addicted mother. I should preface this with not all the stories are bad. Some of them are beautiful stories of rehabilitation and the reunification of families, healing stories that make your heart happy. There are other stories, stories like mine, that aren’t so happy.”
The mixture of sadness and fear on her face is enough to break me. I just want her to get through this so I can prove to her we’re all right.
“Go on.”
“Right. Well, Natalie talked to them about me, and they invited me to write a sample story and submit it. I hadn’t been writing much and figured I could use it as a cleansing exercise. I never expected anything to come from it, but they loved the story and thought it was a perfect fit. Before I knew it, I was spending my days writing and purging all of this negative energy from my body, and it felt good.”
Her eyes meet mine and she smiles. “The book arrived the day we made our bet. All I kept thinking was, maybe by getting all of that bad shit out of my soul, you could see it. Or maybe I could see you through the haze for the first time in a long time.”
“I’ve always seen you, but whatever it was, I’m glad it happened.”
“Me, too. All those boxes, they were all promotional items and books for the release.”
“The trips, too?”
“Yeah. I was dying to tell you, I swear. But with everything going on, I couldn’t risk melting down again if I lost you.”
“You’re not going to lose me.”
“That’s what you say now.”
“Let me prove it to you. Keep talking.”
With a deep breath, she continues. “In the months before we broke up, a few things happened. You already know my mom started doing drugs again. What you don’t know is she started showing up at the house asking for money when you were at school or running errands. She must have just sat outside waiting for an opportunity to get me alone.”
That bitch.
“I had a feeling. I thought I saw her a few times, and there was this one time she came to the door. She played it off that she was looking for you and then told me she forgot her wallet at home and asked if she could borrow twenty bucks for gas. I knew what she was doing, but I gave it to her because you were on your way home and I didn’t want you exposed to that.”
Her head drops to her knees and her shoulders shake. “I’m so sorry, Declan.” Her lip quivers when her gaze meets mine, and her tears start falling.
“She’s not your problem. There’s nothing for you to be sorry about.”
“God, how I wish that were true. I almost wish we hadn’t loved each other so much that we wanted to protect each other from her. It would have been better.”
“Holly, you’re scaring me. What happened? What could be so bad you’re afraid to tell me?”
With tears streaming down her cheeks, she says the words that slam into my heart. “I was pregnant.”
The room spins, and I fall back against the cushions. “I’m sorry … what?”
“We were going to have a baby. I hadn’t been feeling well and I was run down. I was convinced it was all the gearing up for finals finally catching up to me. I went to the student health center and found out we were expecting.”
“Why were …? What happened?” Holy shit, I feel like I can’t catch my breath.
“I called Sage right away. I couldn’t drive and needed to figure things out in my head. As soon as she got me a smoothie, we went to the park and talked. By the time we left there, I was excited. There was no reason we couldn’t have a baby. Sure, we were young, but by the time the baby came we would have both graduated. Plus, your show was taking off and I knew you were going to be a hit.”
There is so much going on in my head right now, I don’t even know what to say.
“Declan, are you still with me?”
“Yes, keep going. Please,” I beg.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was going to surprise you with the news on our anniversary. It’s why I didn’t want to fly. I hadn’t been feeling great, I was queasy a lot of the time, and I was super emotional.”
“Is that why you pulled away? Why you were barely kissing me? Why we didn’t have sex as much?”
She nods. “Between being sick and excited every time I touched you, I wanted to tell you. It took everything in me not to spill the beans before our anniversary. I knew you’d be so excited, even if it was an oops.”
My stomach is queasy. We don’t have a baby, so this story doesn’t have a good ending. “What changed?”
“Everything. When Sage and I took Heather home on Sunday, it looked like we’d walked in on world war three. The house was a disaster, Ken wasn’t home, and my mom was inside tearing through drawers and cabinets like a raving lunatic. I’d never seen her so high. She stared right through me and Heather like we weren’t even there.”
She shudders as if the memory still makes her skin crawl.
“I told them we should go, and it was like my mom suddenly realized she could get something from me. She asked for money, but between Sage and me we only had forty dollars. It wasn’t good enough, Dec. She got this insane, glazed look and put her sights on Heather. She was mumbling about keeping her for money and making Ken pay for her. It wasn’t good. In fact, it was like pure evil incarnate.”
Holly’s hands are trembling against her knees, and I reach over to steady them.
“I started backing up toward the door slowly and waving my hands behind my back to signal Sage and Heather to get behind me. Dawn picked up on it and lunged for us. Sage managed to get Heather outside and move further down the hall.”
Holly is full-on sobbing, so I pull her onto my lap and wrap her in my arms. “Shh, it’s okay, love.”
“I’m so sorry, Declan, I’m just so sorry.”
As I rock her back and forth and kiss her head, she cries until the sobbing subsides. Time passes slowly, but there’s no happy ending here, and I’m not sure I can stomach the rest right now.
A little while later, she stands and goes into the kitchen. When she comes back with two bottles of water, I take one gratefully.
“Holly, you don’t have to keep going. It’s okay.”
“I need to get this out, I’ve held onto it for too long. I knew when I wrote the story I was going to tell you, and I was prepared as I could be. It’s time for this chapter of my life to close. And to give closure to others as well.”
“Others?”
“We’re getting there. Dawn and I started struggling in the hallway and Heather lost her shit. She managed to get away from Sage and tried to get Dawn to stop. We were right by the stairs when Dawn suddenly lunged for Heather. I’ve never felt that kind of fear before. It all happened so fast, but I jumped in to push Heather out of the way and then Dawn … she … she body-checked me, Declan. I went down that flight of stairs full speed ahead.”
My body stills, my blood runs cold, and I feel nothing but hate for a woman I haven’t seen in over two years.
“And that’s how …?”
“I thought for sure when I went down it was the end. I managed to take most of the impact on my back and my ass. I hit hard, but I was airborne for the first few steps. I only hit maybe five or six toward the bottom.”
“Only?”
“I know … but it could have been worse.”
“Why wasn’t I called? How could you guys keep this from me?”
“I begged them, pleaded with them. Ken came home right as I was taking a header down the stairs. He actually managed to keep my head from hitting the ground when I fell. I begged him to tell the hospital he was my dad.”
“He hid this to protect her?” I’m going to kill him.
“No, he did it to protect Heather and me. I was in shock and didn’t realize I was bleeding on the ground. They wouldn’t let me move. The cops took my mom after Ken told them she’d pushed me. They ran all kinds of tests when we got to the hospital. I’d lost the baby and had sprains, strains, and bruises, but other than that I was okay.
“Ken, Heather, Sage, and I went to a hotel. Heather was freaked out and there was no way I could leave her. Honestly, I needed her as much as she needed me. I made Sage go home so things wouldn’t look suspicious. I was on pain pills and I was brokenhearted.”
“Holly, why didn’t you call me?”
I’m not sure I’ve ever been so hurt in my entire life. “Isn’t it obvious? I was ashamed, Declan, and I had been covering for her for weeks. I knew you’d be mad, I’d brought it all on myself. My dad told me she was bad news, but I didn’t listen.”
I don’t even know what to say right now. Thankfully, I don’t have to say anything.
“The next morning, I was an emotional mess and in excruciating pain. I was terrified of what was going to happen. I was mourning a child I’d become attached to, I was missing you something fierce, and I’d hugged Heather through her nightmares all night, or maybe she hugged me through mine. Ken agreed not to say anything and to cover my medical expenses. In exchange, I gave a statement to the police that my mom tried to kill us. He got an immediate custody order, and Sage stayed with Heather and me while he found them a new place to live and packed up their place.
“It wasn’t ideal. Sage is still pissed at me for making her keep this from everyone, especially you. Heather never knew about the baby, she just understood I’d saved her because her mom was drugged out of her mind. I also made Ken promise, no matter what, to keep Heather away from Dawn. Since Heather was the intended victim, and because Ken is friends with the D.A., the file is sealed. She’s in jail for at least the next twenty years. They got her on attempted murder, assault, possession, and being under the influence. They didn’t charge her with killing the baby, but she got a plea deal in exchange and will never be eligible for early parole.”
“You were okay with that?” I’m fucking stunned.
“Not at first, but when I thought about it as a whole, to have a guaranteed twenty years without her bothering me or Heather, it was a concession I was willing to make.”
Fuck, I need to breathe. I need to get some air, but I have to hear the end of this story first.
“The day you came home, it had been a week?” I manage to ask.
“Yes, and I was a wreck. Sage got Baxter to get you out of the house under the guise of me having a surprise for you. I wanted to do something special for our anniversary, but I was torn up at the loss of my gift. Then I knew I couldn’t tell you because that would have just made everything worse. I was still taking the pain medication and knew I was going to have to tell you everything else because I still had bruises under my clothes.”
“You were drinking and taking pain pills? After what had just happened?”
She hangs her head and nods. “It was stupid, I know, but … I was so scared.”
“Do you think I would have hated you?”
“Why not? I hated me. Right before you came home, Sage was begging me to tell you everything. I said something to the effect of anything was better than that and to give me options. The first one was to go fuck other people. It was a joke, Declan, a bad one, but a joke nonetheless. Then she said something about going into protection, and then she circled back to the truth being the obvious choice. I’m guessing it was right around then that you heard us because after that she mentioned whoring it up around campus.”
Fucking hell. This entire thing has been one huge misunderstanding after another. We lost two years because of this bullshit.
“I need …” Standing, I look around the room, at her, and the roaring fire, but it’s dull compared to the roaring anger in my head. “I’m sorry, I need some air.”
Before I know it, I’m outside in the pouring rain. It’s freezing, and I can’t see shit because the rain is covering my glasses, but at least I can fucking breathe. Bending over, I rest my hands on my thighs and breathe in huge lungfuls of air.
I can hear Holly yelling, but I don’t know what she’s saying. Fuck! We were having a baby and that bitch took it away from us. I walk over to my car and start kicking the tires. “Motherfucker!”
“Declan, please come inside. I know you’re angry with me, and I’m so sorry, but you’re going to freeze to death out here. Please, baby, just be mad in the house.”
After pushing my glasses up on my head, I turn around. I swear she’s never looked so beautiful. Her eyes are bright and her clothes are clinging to her, but she’s glowing.
“You think I’m mad at you? Fuck, Holly! That bitch could have killed you! You could have died!” I can barely choke out the words. Just the thought of losing her makes me emotional. Living without Holly would be a fate worse than death.
“I’m right here, Declan, and I’m fine. I’m fine, baby.”
She reaches for my hand; she’s so warm. I pull her close and sob, “We were going to have a baby. Fuck, love, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through it alone, I’m sorry I wasn’t there, and I’m so sorry the universe gave you such a raging bitch for a mother.”
“It’s okay, it wasn’t our time …”
“Our baby.” I’m sobbing; it’s not one bit manly, but I don’t care.
“I know, Declan, I know.” In that moment, her mouth is pressed against mine and she breathes new life into us.