Zeva
I finally make it back to work after getting my truck fixed. My mechanic is always on call; he's a friend and he knows how often I break down and just how to fix it. So tonight I plan on making up for lost time and making some real money.
In my dressing room, all is quiet except for the low thump of the music outside. Another girl is performing; her name is Eva and she's pretty good. I feel lucky to work here at the Honeypot—it’s my home away from the farmhouse.
I'm putting the final touches on my makeup and hair. A little perfume, a little glitter, and I'm good to go. I can't stop thinking about Wade, and Alex, and Jason...My trio of fine, sexy men. If I'm honest, I'm putting all this time and attention into my appearance for them. I want them to be impressed, to be dazzled by me. I am so swept up by each man that I have a constant swirl of butterflies in my stomach. It makes me nauseous and excited all at the same time. Right now, I'm gazing at my reflection in the mirror, thinking of what it’s like to be fucked simultaneously by three toughened motorcycle leaders, and everything appears as though in a dream.
I see Tammi walk by and she catches me daydreaming. "Are you thinking about those guys Zeva?"
"No!” I lie, feeling my cheeks burn. “I'm thinking about my performance."
"Sure, right,” she laughs. “If I didn't know any better I would say that's the look of love."
"Hey," I start, looking at her and placing both hands on my hips. "Not love. I know better. They’re not the kind of guys you fall in love with," I continue, and I have to admit: saying it out loud kinda hurts.
"Zeva," she says kindly. "I know you. I have known you since you were a girl. I recognize that look. You can’t get them out of your head, right? Is it with just one or all of them?"
I can't deny it. She does know me all too well.
"Fine, Tammi,” I sigh. “I can't hide things from you. I’m getting in deep, okay? But it’s not love. It can’t be love.”
I know that even feeling close to falling for one of the guys is dangerous territory. Each man is the kind of guy who has a million girls, and I may have thrown myself into that mix. While being with them is worth it, my heart will be crushed if I end up alone.
"Darlin’," she tells me. "Falling for a biker is nothing but trouble. You'll get your heart broken. And I'd hate to see that, Zeva, I really would."
"I know you're right, but…” I trail off then, feeling my heart tighten up. “How can I help it? They’re all perfect. So kind to me, and so..."
"I know, I know. Those guys are everything a woman wants. I’ve heard it all before," she cuts me off. "But they’re also a loose cannon. Everyone knows they like to be…free, especially with women. I’m not sure Alex, Jason, or Wade has ever been tied down to one girl, and I'm sorry to say it, but I doubt it will start with you."
Her words are like daggers through my heart. I might know she's right but it still hurts to hear. I know that those guys are players, that their hearts never land in one place, but that doesn't take the sting out of hearing it.
"I guess…I guess I thought maybe I'd be different," I whisper, the words coming out of my mouth as heavy as they could be.
She takes a seat next to me and places one hand on my shoulder. “You can still have time with them. You can fuck them all you want. I just don't want you getting your heart all wrapped up in it. Because, sweetie, you know how they are. This is not news to you. You've seen them have virtually every woman who dances at this club. And does it ever last? No. Bikers tend to have an…appetite. One that can't be quenched. They like variety. And every girl who comes in here thinks she is the one to change them. Every single dancer has tried it. Trust me, I've been there to pick up the tears. I don't want it happening to you. Be with them, have fun, but guard your heart."
I feel tears welling up in my eyes. My God, am I seriously about to tear up? What’s going on with me? Tammi sees the faint glow in my eyes, and she strokes my back.
"I know, I know … you're right."
"Honey, I know how long you've had your sights set on finding the right man. But listen, I’m not here to sugar coat it. I’m trying to protect you. I hope you know I'm not trying to cause you any pain."
Tears run down my cheeks, and mascara is smearing down my face.
"I know, Tammi, you're right. I guess I lost control of my imagination. I just got caught up in it. And you're right, I need to keep my wits and not expect anything. I know you're right."
She smoothens my hair and tries to comfort me. "It’s okay,” she whispers, her lips a thin smile. “You can be with them, but just remember none of them are the one for you. You deserve to have the best. And some man is going to come into your life when you're ready, and he will sweep you off your feet. Do you hear me? And I will be at your wedding, just like I promised your daddy I would be."
"You think so, Tammi?" I ask her, even though I know her scenario will never happen. Not after I’ve experienced what it feels like being with them. I’m ruined for other men now.
"Sweetie, I’m sure of it. Who knows—maybe he'll even take you out of this town and you can start over. That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?"
"Yes," I lie to appease her. I know I'll never leave the farmhouse, and I know deep in my heart that even though it might be the wrong decision, I'm as committed to these guys as ever.
It’s not something I can control.
Or even something that I want to control.