Cindy walks into my room in her usual chipper mood. “What’s up, love?”

“Hey,” I answer as I keep scrolling through my phone.

“Why did Tomás say to get you out of the house when I walked up?”

Dropping my phone, I throw my head back. “He’s paranoid. He thinks because I’ve been quiet the last couple of days that there’s something wrong. Plus, he thinks me and Micah are fighting.”

“Are you and Micah fighting?”

“No,” I answer quickly, shaking my head, but look away.

“Then what’s going on?”

“I …” Trailing off, I let out a sigh. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“Look, I know what you said, okay? I know, and I’m trying. I really am. Honestly, I thought I had some of these feelings worked out after our Ensenada trip. But they’re still there. And then with Lana seeming to wedge her way back into his life, I don’t know how long I can keep thinking he’ll stay with me when they have a history.”

“Yeah, a history of her cheating on him.”

“I know, but he went back with her once already. Why wouldn’t he do it again?”

Reaching over, she gives my leg a squeeze. “Because he’s with you, V. That’s why.”

“He thinks there’s something wrong. That I’m hiding something from him.”

“Well, you kind of are.”

“I know, but I just can’t get the words out. Because I don’t want to feel them. I don’t want to believe them. But a part of me still does. And I don’t know how long I’ll be that way. Maybe I’ll always feel not good enough.”

She sits on my bed quietly, while I stare at my phone, wishing I could feel like I did that one night in his arms. Like the world doesn’t matter. But it does matter because when we aren’t together, I’m out in the world, and I see everyone that Micah could be with. Not that he will or even that he wants to, but that he could be with. And that alone is enough to let my insecurities wash over me.

“Maybe we should take a break.”

My eyes find hers again. She doesn’t look like she wants to argue. It actually seems like she’s accepting what I’m saying. “If that’s what you want.”

“It’s not, but … I don’t know what else to do. I want to be with him, but I can’t fight how I feel all of the time. It’s so draining.”

“Give it until the semester starts.”

“Why?”

“Because, right now it’s just you two, all day, all of the time. Maybe when classes start again, you might not feel like this. I’m taking you over to his place later, right? I think you should talk tonight. Like, really talk. It’s gonna suck and probably be weird. But, V, you need to tell him how you feel. Because if he believes you’re hiding something, maybe he thinks you’re not really into him anymore like he is with you.”

I can’t help the scoff that escapes me. “That’d be the day. He likes me but thinks I’m the one that could do better.”

“What other reason would he have for how you’re acting? He’s probably assuming that or something along those lines.”

Swinging my legs off the bed, I stare at my phone again. The wallpaper on my lock-screen is of Micah and me in bed. I took a couple selfies of us smiling, but the last one, he turned his head quickly, and I snapped the picture as he was kissing my cheek. It’s one of my favorites, but I’ve debated taking it off my phone. Because even though I love it, more and more I stare at myself as he’s kissing me. Why is he kissing me? Doesn’t he see that double chin I have there? His hand is covering my stomach. It’s on top of the shirt I’m wearing, but doesn’t he feel how flabby I am? I wish I could look at the picture how I did when I first took it, feeling the butterflies inside, but I can’t. I just stare at it, unsure.

Switching my phone off, I slip my shoes back on. “I doubt it. Anyway, let’s go.”

“This is so stupid,” Cindy laments, pulling out a book from a shelf. I’m on the other side, looking through the books, as we peruse the store. “What kind of professor assigns a book that we can’t get on Amazon? I’m already paying a fortune for my physics books.”

“Oh, hey. Cindy,” someone says behind her.

Peeking through the books, I see a gorgeous girl with light brown hair, a little curlier than mine. She easily hovers over Cindy by half a foot.

“Hey, Julie.” Cindy turns around to face the girl.

“Trying to beat the masses, too, huh?” Julie chuckles.

Cindy responds, and I’m about to go about my business, browsing another shelf, when Julie’s voice lowers.

“Hey, you know Taylor, right?” she asks.

“Yeah.”

“What about his roommate, Micah?”

“Yeah, I know him. What’s up?”

Moving down a few feet, I quietly watch her look around, then lean closer to Cindy. Taking in more of her—or as much as I can between books and shelves—I see she’s on the thinner side. My first guess is that she works out, too, and the assumption is confirmed when she responds to Cindy.

“I see him at the gym all of the time. Had a class with him last semester, too.”

“Okay?” Cindy peers over her shoulder, looking at me. I shake my head, hoping she understands that I don’t want to be brought up.

“So, last semester, Taylor was trying to hook us up, but I’d just gotten out of a relationship. It wasn’t a long one, but still, I wanted to take some time, you know?” Cindy nods. “I should’ve taken him up on the offer, though, because he seemed to flirt a little with me in the past. But whenever I try and throw something out at him, he doesn’t act the same.”

“Well, maybe he’s dating someone,” Cindy responds.

“No, he is. That’s the thing. I found out last week when I was flirting with him.”

“You flirted with him?” Cindy sounds upset, making me feel a little better about finding out some girl, who was probably all hot and sweaty, was flirting with Micah.

“Yeah, but he threw out the girlfriend line.”

“What do you mean, girlfriend line?”

“You know,” Julie rolls her eyes, “we were just talking, and I was making it pretty obvious I wanted him to ask me out, even for coffee or whatever. And then, out of nowhere, he’s all ‘Yeah, I like iced lattes. My girlfriend does, too.’”

I should feel at ease. I should feel like everything is right in the world because Micah is not only not paying attention to her, but he’s actively making it known he’s off the market. But I don’t. My first thought is, Micah could be going out with a girl like that. Why is he with me?

“Okay,” Cindy speaks up breaking my train of thought. “And you’re telling me this because …”

“Well, if you know him, do you know if it’s serious? He and Taylor seem pretty close, and I know Taylor isn’t one to get tied down. I’ve heard around, he likes to have a good time. I’m not looking for anything serious, so I was hoping Micah was the same. Do you know if he’s really seeing someone?”

“Yeah, he is,” Cindy answers with a smile.

“Oh. Is it serious?”

Cindy turns around, putting the book she had back on the shelf and makes eye contact with me again. Again, I shake my head that I do not want to be pointed out. Then we have a silent conversation with our eyes.

Veronica, you need to walk around this shelf right now and tell her he’s your man, her eyes say.

No, I reply, widening my eyes.

Stop being like that.

Cindy, shut up

Fine, whatever. I’ll do it for you.

She rolls her eyes, her cheeks expanding as she blows out a puff of air. “You know, it is serious. I know the girl. She’s gorgeous.”

“Really? Okay, good for him I guess. She must be pretty special because I know more than a few girls that drool over him when he works out at the gym.”

“I bet,” Cindy responds with a laugh. “But, yeah, she is special. I know for a fact that Micah’s in love with her.”

“Wow, really?” Julie looks a little taken aback. Cindy nods with a smile. “Good for him. I better get going. Talk to you later.”

“Yeah, see you around.”

Turning back around, Cindy leers at me through the books. I know she’s thinking the same thing I am. Get it together, Veronica.

She doesn’t say anything else to me as we leave the bookstore. Overhearing the conversation should have built up some confidence. It should’ve been something I was happy hearing. But all I focus on is her talking about how hot she thinks he is, how she flirted with him, and how other girls in the gym drool over him. I get it. I’ve seen him up close and personal. So why can’t I focus on that and the fact that he’s mine?

“What the hell is she doing here?” Cindy groans

We’ve pulled into the apartment complex, and at the end of the parking lot, waiting outside of Micah and Taylor’s apartment is Lana. Leaning against their door, sitting down with her legs crossed, she’s reading a book and looks like she doesn’t have a care in the world.

Cindy pulls into a parking spot, turning off the car. “I’m gonna go beat that girl’s ass.”

I quickly throw my hand over hers as she grabs her keys from the ignition. “Don’t bother, Cin.” I stare out of my window. Lana still hasn’t looked up.

“Don’t bother? That girl is a menace. You should’ve seen her at Matt’s party! She’s reckless and wants Micah to clean up her messes.”

“What are you talking about?”

“At Matt’s party. You know, the one we were at.”

“Yeah, I know you were at the party, but what happened with her? She was there, flirting with him?”

“What? No. Wait, Micah hasn’t told you?” I shake my head no. “Well, I guess it’s no big deal, even though he did take her to the hospital.”

“The hospital? What happened?”

“I’m not sure exactly. She was with some guy and was taking some pills or something. I don’t know the whole story. I thought Micah would’ve told you by now. I mean, it’s not like a secret or anything, but—”

“Forget it.” I take a deep breath. If it’s not a secret, why hasn’t Micah brought it up? Was that the stunt he mentioned she pulled? And now that I’m thinking about it, what about that thing about his mom loving her?

“Hey, you okay?” She grabs my arm.

“Yeah.” I glance over at their door, and this time she looks up. We make eye contact, and she gives me a slight smile. “Let me go talk to her. But can you wait here?”

“Definitely. Just holler, and I’ll slap a bitch.”

I let out a soft giggle, but it doesn’t calm my nerves. Grabbing my bag from the backseat, I’m hoping this is just a quick conversation. Maybe she forgot something. Surely she wouldn’t be camping out in front of their apartment, in hopes of still trying to reconcile.

Watching me walk over to her, Lana gets to her feet but stays in her spot. Her smile’s friendly and unassuming. Not threatening or even challenging.

“Uh, hey, Lana,” I say, doing my best not to stutter.

“Hi, Veronica.” Her smile never falters.

This is the closest I’ve seen her and I can’t find a flaw anywhere. Her blonde hair almost radiates. Her chest is perky, with the hem of her top short enough that it shows off her stomach. I wonder if Micah remembers what she feels like? No, Veronica. Stop that. She’s wearing small, black jean shorts that make her legs appear even longer. Her low-top red converse almost seem elegant on her, instead of looking like regular tennis shoes when they’re on me. My eyes find her face again. Not even a blemish.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, trying to sound confident.

She takes a deep breath, and it almost unnerves me. Is she getting ready to tell me off? Does she want to fight over Micah? Like, actually fight?

“This is so weird. I kind of remember you from high school.”

“Okay?”

“You always came off as so sweet. Cute.”

She doesn’t say it with any condescension in her voice, but I still feel it. “Um, thanks.”

“Look, I’m going to be honest with you. I screwed up.”

“Yes, you did.” Her head snaps to the side as she eyes me. Even I’m taken aback at my words.

“But here’s the thing. I know I messed up. And Micah thinks it’s all a game to me, and he might’ve been right about that in the past. But not this time. You’re with him right now, you know the type of guy he is. He’s the type of guy your parents are proud to meet and the kind of man you want to marry. To raise a family with.”

I hear her words, but my brain is stuck on only two of them; ‘right now.’ What does that mean?

“Look,” she brings me back to attention. “I don’t want to be a bitch, I’m just gonna be honest with you. I want him back. I need him back.”

This could be the answer I’ve been looking for. They’re totally suited for each other, based on looks. But just the fact that she’s said it out loud does something to me. Finally, I feel a spark of confidence. Indignation almost. She wants him back? No. He’s mine.

“Sorry,” I answer, raising my shoulders. “But Micah’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want you back.”

“No, see, I know that. But he just has to see I’m changing. And he will see that, over time.”

“Micah’s time is my time, Lana.”

“Is it?”

Her question throws me off. “Is it what?”

“Is it really your time? Or are you just benefiting from someone else’s work? My work.”

My eyes narrow, as her smile fades, and I try to decipher what she’s saying. Instead of waiting for me to piece it together, though, she lays it all out for me.

“Like I said, you’re sweet, Veronica. You seem like a really nice girl. But Micah and I, we have a history. I really, truly believe we belong together. I know him, and he knows me. Intimately.”

I want to force the disgusting thoughts of them together out of my mind, but she decides to nail them to my brain.

“Look, I’m not going to pretend you guys haven’t been together. You were sleeping in his bed when he helped me out that morning.”

Our bed, I want to yell at her. Not his bed, our bed. But I don’t. She’s so nonchalant about this entire conversation like she’s rehearsed it. She probably has.

“My point is, we know each other. We’ve learned with each other. You might be with him right now, but I know I need to be with him forever. When you not only learn the likes and dislikes of someone, but those intimate details about someone … like how he runs his thumb over your lips.”

My breath catches and not in a good way.

“Or how he holds you in just the right way, whispering your name.”

My world crumbles around me. Everything he’s done with me, he’s done with her. And they did it first.

“We know each other, Veronica. And it’s not just because we were each other’s first that I want to be with him. It’s because I know we’re supposed to be each other’s last.”

What if he doesn’t want you anymore? What if he loves me more? What if you’ve broken his heart too many times? All legitimate questions that I should respond with, but I don’t. Instead, all I do is stand there with tears welling up in my eyes.

The voice in the back of my mind that I’ve been fighting with tells me she’s right. They do belong together. They were high school sweethearts. They’re both gorgeous and would have incredibly gorgeous babies. And as much as I know Micah can’t stand the thought that she cheated on him, she’s still physically a better match for him than I am.

“I’m sorry,” she says, and I believe it. There’s no malice in her voice. She’s truly sorry. And so am I.

Without a word I walk away from the door, heading directly to Cindy’s car. As I get halfway there, Micah’s truck turns into the parking out. Getting to the passenger side of Cindy’s car, he stops next to us.

“Hey, gorge—”

“Don’t,” I snap at him. Looking up at him in the truck, I can’t help the tears falling down my cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” He immediately turns the engine off, getting out.

“Nothing.” I turn away, opening the car door. “I can’t be here right now. I have to go.”

“What? Go? But I thought we were—”

“You have company.” I point to his apartment.

Looking over and seeing Lana, he lets out an annoyed grunt. “Shit, what did she do?”

“Just told me the truth.”

Stepping closer, his hands run up my arms, then cradle my face. “Baby, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Micah, you should just go talk to her. I’m going home.”

“No.” His thumbs wipe away tears right before his lips meet mine. “Vero, please, I love you. I don’t want her, I want you. Just tell me, Veronica. Just talk to me.”

I nod. I know this is it. I have to do this. Even if they don’t end up back together, I can’t keep comparing myself to her or anyone else. I need to do this.

“Micah, I … I need …”

“What? Name it, Veronica. I’ll do it.”

“I need a break.”

You know that low ringing you hear in movies after someone’s suffered some sort of horrific accident. The world spins slowly, and I don’t hear anything, just a long ring. As if I’m on my death bed and the monitor attached is telling me it’s over. That’s our relationship right now.

Micah’s face drops. “No. No, you don’t mean that.”

“I do. I’m sorry, but I can’t … you deserve someone better than me.”

“Someone better? Veronica, what are you talking about?”

I don’t know how to tell him. I need to but I can’t. And then his next words catch me completely by surprise.

“Fuck it. Are you cheating on me? Is that what this is about? Why you say it’s you and I need someone better?”

Tears still in my eyes, my jaw drops. “Oh my God, no. Micah, I would never do that. How could you even think that?”

“Then explain it to me!” he yells, grabbing my hand. “Please, Vero. I don’t understand. Why on Earth would I need someone better? I need you, that’s what I need.”

“I can’t—”

“What? What can’t you do?”

“I can’t be that!” I yell at him, pulling my hand away and pointing at Lana. “I’ll never be that or any kind of girl like that. You’re too good for me, don’t you see that? You have women drooling over you, and I’m the cute, chubby sidekick, who somehow is with you. I’ll always be looking over my shoulder at the next girl who would be a better fit for you. I’m not good enough.”

“Jesus, Veronica. When have I ever said that? Hell, when have I ever made you feel like that? I’m not calling you beautiful because I’m trying to boost your confidence. I’m saying it because I believe it.”

“That’s not good enough.”

“Why, though? Why isn’t it—”

“Because I don’t believe it!” I scream. The world goes silent. Micah stands next to the door, and I’m not sure there’s anything else to say. “I don’t believe it, okay? Besides, you and Lana have a history. She told me all about it.”

“What?” He looks back at Lana, who’s patiently waiting near his front door.

Before he can say anything else, I get in the car and push Cindy’s hand. “Go.” She doesn’t move. “Cindy, go!”

“Okay, okay.” Turning on the car, she pulls out and drives away. I can’t bring myself to look back through the mirrors, as I pull my knees up on the seat and slump my head between them, unleashing a flood of tears.