LIV

ONE YEAR LATER

 

With my black leather cap and the tiny lingerie set, I prowl on stage to ‘Weak’ by SWV. The dances are different these days. The old me would have danced to this song and slowly stripped my clothes until there was nearly nothing left covering my body.

Although now I’m not wearing much, it sometimes feels restricting compared to before, and I have to admit dancing in a show has taken some getting used to, but I love it. It’s a burlesque show with a modern twist. I dance, I pick my songs, and I look sexy, but I don’t take my clothes off.

The best thing was I didn’t have to let Allegro down as this was a secondary adventure of hers, which actually turned out to be her primary one after it took off. The number of people who come to see our show is so much more than we expected it would be, and that means we’re mostly sold out. There’s something about the fact we don’t remove our clothes which suddenly makes women feel like it’s okay to come see us. We’ve gone mainstream. I giggle at my thoughts as I leave the stage.

“You were fab,” Helena rushes out, greeting me at the side of the stage with Noah.

“Hey, guys, what are you doing here?” I ask with a smile as I walk past them and reach for my dress slipping it over my head.

Helena gave up dancing about six months ago when, sadly, her nan passed away. Then her grandad gifted a lump sum of money to her, and she opted to push forward with the tattooing and partnered up with Sam, the owner of Eternal Sin Ink. So, now she owns half of it. She and Noah have been going strong for the last year, and he and I still dance together, thankfully. I have to say, he’s become much better.

“We were having a date night, and I suggested coming here to watch you and the others,” Helena explains.

“Well, it’s nice to see you. I feel like we’re strangers as you’re hardly ever home these days.” A look of guilt flashes across her face, and I frown. “You okay?”

“I’m great. You free tomorrow? I thought we could have a girly night?” she questions.

“Sure,” I offer.

“Well, we’re done for now, we’ve seen the show. You want a ride home?”

I look over the two of them, soppy in love, and I don’t want to be a third wheel. “I’m fine, thanks. I have some things to do before I leave anyway,” I tell them.

“We can wait,” offers Noah, and Helena nods.

I love that I have them in my life, and I know I’m lucky to have friends like these two.

“No. You go, I’ll be fine,” I say with a shake of my head.

“Okay, if you’re sure?” Hel questions.

“Yes, go!” I smile, pushing at her shoulder.

“Okay.” She laughs. “I’ll be staying at Noah’s, but I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what time I’m coming over.”

I nod, and they leave. It’s not until they’ve gone that I think about her words. She’ll call and let me know what time she’s coming over? It’s her apartment, too, she has a key and a room. I guess since she spends so little time at home now, she’s forgotten.

Slowly, with a heavy heart, my legs pull me toward the changing rooms. Gathering all my stuff and packing my bag, my mind accepts what I’ve been trying not to think about. Helena is going to move out. I know why she wants a girly night tomorrow. She’s constantly at Noah’s place these days and has mentioned him decorating with her input. He loves her, and she sees her future in his eyes. I want this for them, I want this for her. I won’t be jealous, or think about… him.

“You want me to call you a cab?” Hammond, one of the bouncers, asks me.

“No. I’m going to call a friend. Thanks.”

I pull out my phone and send a quick text.

 

Me: Ritchie, I’m ready, if you still want to meet?

 

I watch as the three little dots come to life on my screen telling me he’s replying.

 

Ritchie: Be there in 5.

 

I met Ritchie about seven months ago. He asked me out on a date, and I accepted. Helena said I needed to move on, but it was when Toby told me to let go of Isaac that I listened. However, it was pretty clear I wasn’t ready, so I called things off. We only had three dates, but I was honest with him about why I wanted to stop dating him, explaining about Isaac and how I was still hurting. Lucky for me, Ritchie understood, but he didn’t leave my life completely. He said he was going to stick by me as a friend, and if I was ever ready for more, he would be there.

I see him every so often. Yesterday he called and asked if we could meet up. I told him I was working, and he offered to collect me afterwards. I haven’t seen him for about nine weeks, which is the longest we’ve gone. I’m a shitty friend, and I know it. He always instigates our friend dates. I never call him and ask to meet up.

The problem is, and will always be, Isaac. I think he broke me beyond repair. When he left, he took a piece of me with him, and without it, I’ll never be fixed, I’ll never be whole. I don’t think I’m capable of love because the piece he took was my heart.

Now he’s gone again. He’s been gone for ten months.

I should have expected it. Once I found out what he was, some spy, soldier, killing machine, whatever, it all slotted into place—his disappearances, his demeanour, him keeping me at arm’s length.

The thing that really hurt was how he played with my heart, and how he made me believe in him, in us… again.

“I could have a million women, but they’d never be you.”

“Your body knows I’m in love with you, but do you know it, too, Via?”

His words still elicit pain as I recall them. They run through my head at least three times every day. I thought he meant them, more fool me.

My phone beeps.

 

Ritchie: Outside gorgeous.

 

Ritchie’s text brings me out of my thoughts, and I make my way to the exit calling my goodbyes out to the other staff.

“Hey,” I greet Ritchie with an easy smile.

“Hey, you.” He turns to smile at me. His light blue eyes, scruffy blond hair and tan gives him a surfer look. He’s just under six foot tall, and because he does actually surf, his body is lean. He’s a lovely guy, and good looking, but I just can’t get into it. It’s not him, it’s everyone.

“How was work?” I ask. Ritchie is an engineer, so he mostly works regular office hours except when he’s on call.

“Busy today. How about your night?” he responds nodding toward the club.

“Good, yeah.” I smile, and he mirrors me with his own.

“Come on, let’s get you home,” he murmurs.

I check my watch and see it’s a little before midnight. My flat is only ten minutes away, and even though it probably makes me sound like a bitch, I don’t want to invite him up tonight. I’m too tired to entertain, but he asked to see me.

“You wanted to see me tonight, was there a particular reason, Ritchie?”

He glances across at me, worry etched into his features.

“I’m sorry.” I sigh. “It’s just I’m really tired, and I did want to see you. But…”

“Now you just want to go to bed?”

I nod and bite my lip. “I’m so sorry, Ritchie. I don’t mean to let you down, maybe we could meet up tomorrow daytime?” I offer.

He doesn’t respond verbally, but his jaw works. I enjoy the silence for the next two minutes until we pull up outside my place.

“I can’t see you anymore,” Ritchie chokes out.

I jerk my head, not expecting those words to come from his mouth. Shuffling, I turn my whole body in the seat so I’m facing him.

“W-what?” I stutter out and cough to clear my throat.

“I’m so sorry, Liv. I met someone.”

Surprise knocks into me, and I smile. “That’s great, Ritchie,” I tell him honestly.

He blinks and finally turns to face me fully. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Why would you hurt me?”

“Because I can’t see you anymore.”

“Oh.” His response wasn’t what I was expecting, but I’m not sad, and that tells me everything I need to know.

“Jenny knows about you, knows we dated, and I was waiting for you. Honestly, Liv, she helped me get over you.”

“Get over me?” The confusion fogs my brain.

He shrugs in response. “I was a little bit in love with you, Liv, but I could see you were never going to reciprocate those feelings.”

I open and close my mouth, but no words form on my tongue.

“When I met her, I was still hoping something would happen between us,” he says pointing back and forth between our bodies. “Slowly, over the last three months, she’s wormed her way into my heart, and I’m in love with her… she loves me back.”

I clear my scratchy throat. “That’s wonderful.”

“I hope you understand. She’s not comfortable with us continuing our friendship, knowing that I was in love with you.” He glances down, and I reach out to lay my hand over his, he raises his head again until our eyes lock.

“I’m happy for you, and I understand. If I were in her position, I’d probably feel the same. Thank you for dropping me home. Be well, Ritchie,” I tell him before pulling my hand away and getting out of the car.

Another closed door in my life. I liked our easy friendship, but I can’t blame Jenny. I’d be cautious if Isaac spent time with someone he’d previously dated. I stop still as I climb the stairs.

“Why do I still think of Isaac fucking James all the time… why do I still love him?” I speak softly to myself.

“Because every part of you knows that you belong to me.”

Isaac.

“And I sure as fuck belong to you.”

His deeply delicious voice wraps around me before I even raise my head and see him standing at the top of the stairs. I grab onto the railing as I sway, and he bounds down the stairs collecting me and pulling me up into his arms.

I stare and blink and stare some more at his face as he walks up the stairs holding me. He looks no different than he did a year ago—still dark, dangerous, and determined.

I can’t speak until we’re in my flat, and he places me back on my feet, and even then I have to focus on something easy.

“How the fuck have you got a key to my place?” I snap.

He smirks at me, the bastard. He must see my anger, though, or maybe it’s the threatening tears from the overload of emotion that’s buzzing across my skin because the smirk slips and instead, he smiles sadly. “Toby gave me his spare key, and before you rip Toby a new one, he only agreed because I told him why I was here.”

“And that would be?” I ask throwing my things on the sofa and placing my hands on my hips.

“I’ve come to do anything I need to win you back, Via… anything.” His face changes, and he shares with me the vulnerable, closer to his age, honest Isaac, my Isaac.

I walk past him and slam the front door shut, then walk back into the living room and shrug my coat off.

“Please, Via. Give me a chance. I’ll explain everything, I’ll make it up to you.”

As I turn around, he’s right there in my space. I look up at him, and my heart beats in time to a jig in my chest. My whole body vibrates, and emotion clogs my throat.

“Tell me you’ll give me another chance?” Isaac pleads. His gaze holds mine as he steps even closer to me cupping my cheek and pushing his fingers into my hair.

I stop breathing and think about his words, caressing me, loving me, and offering me everything I’ve ever wanted. Then my mind replays the last time he offered me the world before plucking it away from me. A cold shiver runs through my body as self-preservation kicks in, and I take a step back, a step away from him.

“C-can I just say no?” It comes out in question, but I mean every word. I can’t live through the pain again, never again.

His face changes, the intensity of his stare pins me, and I clutch my chest desperately trying to drag air into my lungs. His look conveys everything I need to know before he has a chance to speak. Without blinking, his eyes alight telling me that he’s never giving up on me again. Through his fixed gaze, it feels like he’s reached inside of me and is stealing my soul from deep down in my core, pulling it from me so it can reside where it truly belongs, where it’s always belonged… with him.

“I’d give you almost anything, Via, but the answer to that question is a firm no. There’s no giving in, not this time.” He threads his hand around the back of my neck and pulls me toward him until our lips are less than an inch apart. His minty breath blows across my skin with every word. “I’ve stayed away for you, I’ve come back for you, fought and almost lost you... literally. No more. I’m done with all the bullshit.”

I swallow at his words and wonder what he means when he says he stayed away for me?

“You and me, Via, how it always should have been. In this scenario, there is no choice. I’m telling you how it is. I’ll give you a week. Ask me your questions, however you want. Think shit through in your head, clear everything up. One week is all you have, and then I claim you.”

I know he’s done speaking because his lips hit mine, and it isn’t soft, caring, or gentle. It’s hot, passionate, and desperate as he shows me how he feels with every movement. His tongue glides over my lips, and I open up giving him the entry he demands. I’m helpless in his arms as he pushes me against the wall and kisses me like a man starved.

Without warning, he pulls away, and my chest heaves as my mind tries to catch up.

“One week,” he reaffirms. Then he turns and walks out of my flat.