Chapter 32

Branna

––––––––

We have sex again.

I figure that there’s no undoing the damage that has been done, so I may as well indulge my cravings for this man and enjoy the amazing things that he makes my body feel. That, and the fact that I cannot resist him even when I try, as last night proved.

Besides, he came back. I thought he left me and that I was just another one-night stand. I thought he was off to do his own thing, without so much as a good morning kiss, and would come back at night with a casual ‘sup’ and act like we never were anything. I thought that maybe I was the only one who felt what we felt—but I was wrong. We really connected, in a way that I never had with anyone else and it was beautiful.

There are some cold, hard facts here. First, that I am irreversibly no longer a virgin. I can be as chaste as a nun for the rest of my life and that will not change the fact that I have been deflowered. My cherry has been popped, a serpent has been in the cave—whatever you want to call it, it means the same thing. If I am discovered by the Irish or the Russians a fate worse than death awaits me.  

Second, the fact that I cannot be successfully recovered means that there may be terrible repercussions for everyone in the O’Sullivan syndicate and the Sokolov faction. There’s so much money from the businesses they own, and even more under-the-table money from drugs, protection fees, and prostitution rings, that they’re armed better than the military forces of some small governments.

But they are grown men and I’m a grown woman and there is no reason on God’s green Earth why what I do with my genitals, and what I do want to do with my romance life, should decide such major matters as a bloody war. For goodness sake, this is the twenty-first century and it’s not like they don’t have minds of their own and the free license to change their minds. The joining of the families is just a stupid agreement that they made over a decade ago and they’ve had an uneasy peace since then, even though we weren’t yet united. Maybe they can decide to continue that and give it a break. Maybe they can decide that the formality of me marrying Alexei is unnecessary.

It’s been two months since I ran away and nothing has happened yet, so maybe they already have decided to get over themselves. After all, they’re well-enough armed and thoroughly trained to go to battle at any moment, so it’s not like they need anything close to this long to mobilize their men and start the bloodbath. They could do it overnight, if they wanted. But they haven’t, or the deaths and increased inner city violence would have been all over the news. It would be way too massive to fly under the radar. That there hasn’t been any such news, and I’ve been reading the paper daily since I ran away, at least the front page, is a decidedly good sign.

I’m lying there after he takes me again my head resting on his sweaty chest. He smells so good and feels so good. I tilt my head to look up at him. His eyes are closed and his face looks completely relaxed. I reach up and stroke his jawline with my finger. I have to tell him. He has to know.

“Cooper?” I say.

“Mmm, babe?” he murmurs.

“You have to know something about me,” I say, taking a shaky breath. “I’m not a normal girl.” I can’t believe I’m about to tell him. But I have to, he has the right to know. I hardly dare to hope but maybe, just maybe, he will accept me anyway. And then I know this thing between us is real and it’s love.

“I know that, babe,” Cooper murmured.

“No,” I start, “I-” Just then, the doorbell rings.

Cooper groans and opens his eyes. “That’s Vlad. I have training.” He looks down at me and kisses me on the forehead. “I can cancel.”

“No, you have a big tournament coming up.” I shake my head, “Go, I’ll see you later.” I sit up, so he can get up.

From the bathroom, he calls, “What did you want to tell me, babe?”

I can’t tell him like this.

“Not now” I say, a little relieved that I don’t have to tell him quite yet. He leaves with Vlad and I get in the shower. I’m sticky with sweat and sex and this time, with hot water running through my hair and steam enveloping me in a safe blanket of warm, damp haze, is great for thinking. And I sure have a lot to think about. But standing here, in a state of perfect physical well-being and basking in the leftover endorphins from this morning’s romp in the sheets with Cooper, things are looking more positive than when I first woke up.

Nothing could make me go back and fix things by giving up my life to Alexei. I’ve been on the run for a few months and I’m finally settled in here, and no one has found me. Aside from the close call with Liliya at Bennie’s Pizza, and she didn’t even seem to be looking for me, I have been flying totally under the radar here. Who says I couldn’t do it for a bit longer, just long enough to formulate a plan for a life somewhere far away?

I have to tell Cooper the truth about me, because he deserves the truth and I can’t be with him, not really be with him, if there’s this huge secret hanging over my head. But maybe once he knows, we can leave the past in the past and move on to build a new future together. If he chooses to, he can move with me to another state, or even country, far out of the reach of the mafia. I can start my own little tattoo parlor and Cooper can keep fighting, or set up a fighting school or something, and maybe we’ll get married and have beautiful little children and a shaggy-haired dog to run around in the yard of our house, all framed by a cute suburban fence all around it.

I know, I know. I’m getting so far ahead of myself that I sound like a tween with a crush. But is it really that impossible? Maybe, just maybe, things can be perfect. And if not? Well, then I have to go leave on my own. I’m not a stranger to being alone.