Chapter Twenty-Three
Kurt drove us to the cemetery. In the car, I rubbed my hands down my pants as the nerves settled in.
“You doing okay?”
“I think so. Nervous. Have you been back since the funeral?”
He stared ahead, contemplative. “I come every year for our birthdays and do our tradition.”
“Rum and Coke.” Before either of their parties, Kurt and Dylan used to go somewhere and drink a Coke with rum. I never knew what they discussed—it was their time and theirs alone.
“Yep.” Silence descended on us for the next few minutes until Kurt said, “Why didn’t you tell me about Jessica?”
I blew out a breath. “I didn’t want to worry you, especially when you were traveling. I planned to tell you today. I would have last night, but I was exhausted.”
“Fuck, Knoah. This might be because of me. Some crazy fan trying to hurt you. We’re going to need to talk about security.”
“Kurt—”
He held up his hand. “We will talk about it. You’re the only thing I have left of Dylan.”
My throat grew thick, and tears gathered in my eyes. “Do you think it’s bad that I’m trying to move on? Be honest.”
“No, I think it’s wonderful. Dylan would have wanted you to. One night, he basically told me as much.”
This was news to me. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was afraid you’d think he didn’t love you. Or twist it, somehow.” That was a possibility. Generally, everything hit me full force all at once. Something small could be blown out of proportion, and that sometimes led to misunderstandings. “We were at his bachelor party. He said he’d found the one to love for the rest of his life. You were it for him, but if anything happened to him, he wanted you to be happy. It was an odd statement. I slapped him on the back and ordered another round, ignoring it.”
“Really?” I whispered.
“I swear. I remembered it about six months after he died. By then, things were rough. I was afraid to tell you because you were doing everything you could to hold on to him.”
Kurt parked in the cemetery, and tears fell down my face as I remembered that awful day in Paris as well as the weeks that followed. “Right before he died, he yelled through the streets he loved me. I loved him. So much.” I traced my fingers along the locks on the door handle, ready to confess more to Kurt. “Garrick stirs something deep within me. I’m not saying it’s love, but he’s not a fling. What if I end up loving Garrick?”
Kurt seemed deep in thought for a second. “Then you’re one of the lucky few who will get to experience love not once, but twice. I’m still waiting to feel it. Dylan tried to explain it, but I think you have to experience it to understand.”
One of the lucky few. That was a beautiful way to look at it. I squeezed Kurt’s hand. “You will find your happily ever after one day. I know it.”
“I hope so.” He blinked a few times, appearing to clear away the deep thoughts. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, I need to do this myself.” I took a deep breath. “If you need to leave, come get me.”
“Take your time. I don’t have anywhere I need to be except here for you.”
I got out of the car. A gentle breeze blew as I walked up the small hill where Dylan’s gravestone stood. It turned out nice. It was in the shape of a guitar. I’d picked it out but had never come to see it.
“Hey, it’s me.” I kicked at the dirt and then decided to sit near the gravestone so I could trace the letters. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I’ve been trying to find myself again. When you died, part of me died, too.” I tried to keep from sobbing as I spoke, but wasn’t entirely successful. “We were supposed to grow old together. Have a family. See the world together. But life had another plan for us.”
I ran my hand along his name. “I met someone. It’s new, but it’s the first time I’ve felt like giving someone a chance. I’ll never forget you or our baby. I’ll never stop loving you. You will always have a place in my heart.”
I touched the smaller guitar beside Dylan’s that said Baby Reynolds.
The sun cast down its rays from the sky. The feeling engulfed me. Warm. Peaceful. I believed it was Dylan telling me to move forward. Selflessness was something Dylan had possessed in spades. He would have wanted me happy.
From behind me, I heard the sound of someone clearing his throat, and I turned around with a gasp, my body stiff.
Garrick stood a few feet away, dressed in jeans and a dark T-shirt.
I couldn’t help it. Seeing him made a few more tears fall. “How long have you been there?”
“I just got here.” He took several steps closer before he knelt a few feet away. “I woke up and couldn’t find you. You left without any security, Knoah. So I called Kurt and told him what happened with Jessica.” His face was unreadable. “Do you want me to leave?”
It was time to tell him everything. And here was the perfect place. In a way, it made Dylan part of this, which he should be. I shook my head. “No, stay. Did Kurt tell you anything else?”
“Only where you would be.”
Good, I wanted to be the one. I looked over at Kurt, who stood outside of the car. I nodded his way, and he smiled before returning to the driver’s seat. Looking back at the gravestone, I began to tell Garrick everything.
“Dylan was my husband. We met in high school and got married in college. On our honeymoon in Paris, there was an accident—an explosion where a facility blew up. I was leaving a shop after buying us some water while Dylan bought me flowers from a street vendor. He had just turned around to return to me, flowers in hand. It all happened so fast. Everything went black. When I woke up, the doctor told me Dylan was dead and I was pregnant. We weren’t trying. I was on birth control.”
Tears streamed down my face as I looked at the man who brightened my days. Garrick shifted to move closer, but I shook my head. If he touched me, I might completely break down. “I sustained some trauma to my abdomen, but the doctors thought it would be okay if I remained calm and was monitored. I tried. I pushed all the anguish away for the sake of our baby. But it didn’t matter. Three days later, I lost the baby. More damage had been done than they realized.”
As I said this, I traced over the words Beloved Husband and Father on the gravestone. Then I rested my hands on the smaller guitar next to his. Though our baby had been small, I never wanted him or her to be forgotten and had insisted on a gravestone.
I continued after a few deep breaths. “I lost the baby. The only piece of Dylan I had left. Because of the injuries sustained to my abdomen, it will be hard for me to get pregnant again. If I did, it would be considered a high-risk pregnancy.”
Garrick remained speechless. This was important for him to know. If having a family was something he wanted, needed, I had to walk away. Chances of a full-term pregnancy were marginal at best. More tears fell as I remembered his bucket list. I was not the girl for him, and my heart shattered.
I took a few steady breaths. “So, the song fits me more than you know. I’ve been completely lost. I think when your niece mentioned babies, it brought back the nightmare. And when I lay in your arms last night, it got me thinking that I needed to come here and sort out my thoughts. You needed to know the truth. I haven’t been here since Dylan died, and felt I owed it to him to talk to him before I told you everything.”
I wiped away the tears from underneath my eyes. I was relieved, yet terrified. A piece of me had been exposed to someone I wanted to explore a future with.
Garrick looked at the gravestone. “Can I speak freely here, or do you want me to wait until we go somewhere else? I don’t want to be disrespectful to your relationship.”
“Please, go ahead.”
Scooting closer, he grabbed my hand. “What was your nightmare about?”
The images from the dream haunted my thoughts. “I’m floating in the air, watching myself rock a baby. Two people come in. Someone holds me down while a woman takes the baby from me. There’s nothing I can do except scream. No one hears me, and the baby is taken from me. The nightmare started shortly after I lost the baby.”
Nodding, he rubbed my hand, and I focused on how much his touch soothed my nerves.
I forged on. “After Dylan died, I found out he’d taken out an insurance policy for a million dollars. In addition, I inherited the money from the sale of the companies his grandfather had willed to him in a trust fund. You see, Dylan came from a lot of money, and I had no idea. None. I mean, I knew his parents were well off, but I had no true understanding of the extent. We saw his family some, but now that I think about it, it was limited. His mother never forgave me for Dylan’s death.”
More tears welled up, and I tried to blink them away. “I understand if you’ve changed your mind and want to stop this, Garrick. I won’t blame you.”
When he didn’t answer, I glanced up. Garrick stared at me, adoration in his gaze. “No, I don’t want to stop. Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see an incredible woman. I see someone who is strong. I see a survivor. I have no idea where this is going. But if things continue to progress, I doubt not being able to get pregnant will change a thing.”
“Garrick, you don’t know that. It was one of your bucket list items. I can’t rob you of a future you may want. I always dreamed of having a family. Until the choice is taken away from you, you don’t understand what you’re giving up.” I knew adoption was a possibility, but I wanted to experience carrying a child. I wanted it more than almost anything else besides marrying the love of my life.
“Let’s see where this goes. Take it a day at a time. Having a family isn’t important if it’s not with the person you’re meant to be with. There are other options.”
True, but time changed people. Goals changed. Dreams and aspirations morphed.
He squeezed my hand and blew out a breath. “Knoah, please give us a chance. See where this goes. That’s all I ask.”
I nodded, feeling relieved. Despite everything, he wanted to give us a try. “I want this, too. Dylan would want me to be happy. I believe that now.”
“I think so, too.” I cocked my head to the side, unsure what he meant. “Even young, he made sure you were taken care of. Before he died and you were married, he took the necessary precautions to make sure you would be fine financially if something happened to him. I’d do the same to ensure the woman I loved had the best life possible if something happened to me.”
That was beautiful.
A car pulled up behind Kurt’s, and I stiffened before standing. Garrick didn’t need to see this. “Can you go wait in the car with Kurt? I’ll be a minute.”
A throbbing in my temples brought on a flush. Why was she here? My heart quickened at all the vile things Vivian would spew for Garrick to hear. He put his hand on my hip. “I’m not leaving you.”
Now he was going to see the ugliest part of all this. Vivian was already out of her car and headed my way.
“What the hell are you doing here? This is the time I come to see my son—every day.”
I closed my eyes at Vivian’s nasty voice. “I had no idea, Vivian.”
“There is no way I’m leaving you. That’s Dylan’s mother, isn’t it?” Garrick asked with a tense tone.
“Yes.”