Zara

One long, agonizing month had passed since Lance left.

Week one was spent on that pity party Annia had accused me of throwing. The shock over my father’s stubbornness hurt more than I expected. After the initial sting from his request not to come back had worn off, I stopped asking my mother to fill me in on what he was saying about the situation. I simply didn’t want to know.

No one was getting through to him, and it wasn’t for lack of trying. I had tried to be sympathetic when he angrily informed me how difficult his life had become at the hospital because of Lance’s celebrity status. Then I’d become angry when my mother revealed it wasn’t all that difficult, and only one person had mentioned how great it was that “Zara was seeing a movie star.” So obviously, my father had resorted to exaggerating the truth.

The highlight of my week had been going off on Elan over his stupid-ass girlfriend’s immature response to meeting Lance. He didn’t say much during my tirade over how she had tweeted his location, my name, and even a picture of us together. He tried to explain that he’d acted like an ass toward Lance because he cared about me so much. It was a poor excuse. Once he heard me out, he apologized for their behavior, admitting that he and Rosalani would not be together for much longer. I had accepted his apology, but it left me feeling empty and lonely, missing Lance more than ever.

Week two was spent second-guessing every damn thing in my life. In a moment of temporary insanity, I had considered going back home to try and find another job in Lanai, and stupidly mentioned it to Annia.

Predictably, my sister lost it on me.

“Are you insane? You can’t ruin your own life just to make him happy, especially when he’s the one who’s wrong here, Zara.” She had shaken her head with disappointment written all over her face.

“I’m not finding a job here. I can’t live with you guys forever.”

“You’ve been here two weeks, chill out. Ever since we were kids you’ve always been quick to please people. You need to please yourself for once.”

Of course she was right, but if agreeing to my father’s outrageousness by going back home would have lessened the guilt I felt, or made the anxiety go away, I’d have done it whether right or wrong.

It drove Annia crazy whenever I did kowtow to him. In my defense, I hated conflict. If I knew someone was upset with me, especially someone I loved, it consumed every part of me until I forced the issue to make it better again. That was before I’d met Lance. Having him by my side had empowered me, and now his absence gave old habits the opportunity to fester.

“If you’re bored with us, go to LA and surprise Lance. The trip could do you good.” She wiggled her eyebrows and added, “If you know what I mean. You’re cranky as hell.”

“I can’t just show up on his doorstep. It would bring chaos into his life.” And mine, I thought.

“He’d love for you to show up.”

Again, she was right. Throughout this mess, Lance had supported me as best he could from afar. He made it clear that he missed me and selfishly wanted me with him. He’d also made it clear that it needed to be my decision, and one I had thoroughly thought through. Because the taste I’d had in Lanai of his crazy life would be nothing compared to my new reality in Los Angeles.

Although things had improved since he left, because our relationship had been outed, I’d been put on the radar of those crazy fans who followed celebrities. Many thought that by seeing me around, Lance wouldn’t be far behind. Sequestered in Kai and Annia’s house made it easy to avoid random incidents.

I knew that if I told Lance it would crush him, and I held back to avoid upsetting him when there was nothing he could do about it. I also held back regarding the problems with my father. My life was a mess, and sharing the reasons with Lance wouldn’t be fair. He’d want to take on my problems, when I wasn’t sure how to fix them myself.

I did know that sitting around and waiting for a solution to land on my doorstep was no longer an option. So far, none of the jobs I’d applied for in Honolulu had come through. I wasn’t kidding when I’d said I’d mow lawns if I had to. I was desperate to accept just about anything that was offered.

Being unemployed with no real purpose afforded me the time to wander around Oahu and photograph practically everything I saw. While in disguise, sporting a blond wig my sister had once worn on Halloween, I’d carry my new camera everywhere I went, finding solace through that little viewfinder.

With no job, no purpose, while my sister and brother-in-law were at work, I became very acquainted with the Internet. Before then, it hadn’t been something I’d been interested in or even was curious about…and now it had become an integral part of my daily life. Each morning while having my coffee, I’d search and search for any information I could find on Lance.

Both past and present, I was able to learn many things about him I hadn’t known…and that was both good and bad. With his warning to not believe a word of it in the back of my mind, I still searched for everything I could find on Landon Price. Seeing his handsome face helped me feel connected in a sick way.

One night after dinner, Annia, Kai, and I were relaxing by the pool, on Kai’s laptop flipping through the pictures I had taken in Waikiki that morning. Kai suggested that I create a website for my photos. That one comment sparked a newfound ambition that instantly ignited my determination. It was a great idea, and by the end of that weekend I had forced him to help me. He was very talented with his computer skills, and he created a place where patrons could browse through my virtual gallery, contact me if interested, and even purchase a photo right there with one quick click. Our next step was to set up a Facebook page and advertise on as many social media sites as possible without breaking the bank in the process. Just a few days later ZJImages.com was born.

Between working on my website, scrolling through Facebook—which was much too addictive—and scouring the Internet, Kai’s laptop had become my new obsession. I had decided that my first purchase, if I made any money, would be one of my own. Who knew I had a knack for selling myself? Once I had gotten the hang of making changes without bothering Kai, each day I spent hours improving the way my site looked, the graphics on my page, and the photos I chose to display on the home page.

When I opened my site this morning, a message stating that someone was interested in one of my photographs caused me to sit and stare at the screen in shock for a full ten minutes.

“What’s wrong?” Annia asked upon seeing my stunned expression.

“I sold one.”

An immediate smile spread across her face. “I knew you would. That’s fantastic, Zara!”

“What’s fantastic?” Kai asked, walking into the kitchen sleepily rubbing his eyes. I felt bad that they would wake early on weekends just because I did, but they both dismissed my concern, claiming it wasn’t a big deal. Yet it usually took my brother-in-law several cups of coffee before he could stop yawning every five minutes.

“Zara sold a picture.”

He turned toward me with a wide-eyed grin. “Congratulations! This is only the beginning. You’ll see. We’ll keep pushing you out there. I think you should also print up flyers, and tuck them under windshield wipers of the cars parked at the mall.”

“You’re really good at this. Thanks, Kai, for all your help.”

“It’s my pleasure. Lance was right, you were born to be a photographer.”

The mention of Lance caused desire to spread through me quicker than the caffeine from my coffee; the loss of his presence caused my smile to fade.

“I’m sorry, Zara.”

“Don’t be, Kai. I just miss him.”

“You can do something about it,” Annia quipped, pretending to busy herself with buttering her bagel.

“Really? What is it I could do? My parents, who have been married for almost thirty years, are facing separation because of me. I’m jobless, homeless, and living with my sister. I can barely leave the house without being recognized. And he lives in California while I live here. So, based on my reality, what is it I could be doing?”

“You could move to California.” Her eyes held mine as she took an exaggerated bite of her bagel.

“Are you insane?”

“Not at all,” she mumbled, spitting out bagel crumbs as she did.

“I don’t have an income right now. Every penny I saved needs to go to an apartment, a car.”

“You’re making excuses. What are you really afraid of, Zara?”

The doorbell saved me answering that question: his fame. As much as I loved him, I was terrified of how famous he was.

Kai quietly left us to answer it, coming back a few seconds later with my mom following closely behind. Her unannounced visit, and the suitcase she dragged behind her, caused us both to gawk as she stood there with a determined look on her face.

“So, I took a leave of absence from the hospital and left him,” was all she said before walking toward the coffeemaker to help herself to a cup. Her nonchalance made the situation all the more frightening, and made bile rise to the back of my throat.

This was entirely my fault.

The way my mother made herself at home the moment she arrived confirmed that she was serious about leaving him. The way she lay by the pool all day long, relaxing and laughing like she didn’t have a care in the world, confirmed that she’d lost her mind.

Annia sent Kai out for dinner, and the moment he left she pounced. “What the hell, Mama?”

“What?” Her gaze bounced between us. “Don’t look at me like that. I just spent a month with a man who refused to listen to reason. I meant it when I said he needed to change or else.”

“You can’t force him to change if he doesn’t want to,” I said sadly. I knew firsthand. Being the youngest, being the one left behind after Annia got married, meant the brunt of his overbearingness fell on me. “What if this isn’t fixable, Mama?”

“Then your father will die a lonely old man,” she said rather matter-of-factly. The steely glint in her eye was something I’d never seen before. My mother was a very strong-willed woman, and never held back her opinion, but most of the time her beliefs had lain on the same side of the fence as my father’s…until now. “You girls don’t remember what your father and I lived through after Lilou was killed. As a parent, it’s something you never get over. The reason your sister was brutally murdered had all to do with your father marrying a white woman. His political enemies used him as an example to support their horrific agendas. Then, knowing they weren’t done and you girls would be next consumed us. So we did the only thing we knew we could, we ran away. While here in Lanai, I believe our plan worked whereas your father believes we are all still in danger. But now, I’m done enabling his irrational behavior. No more.”

Annia and I exchanged a meaningful glance. I was right, things between them were a lot worse than my sister had thought. I guessed everyone had their limits, and it was obvious my mother had reached hers. Again, I couldn’t help but blame myself. I wouldn’t bother voicing that out loud, because nothing they could say or do would have convinced me otherwise.

Kai returned with takeout Chinese food, which we all ate out on the patio. Kai filled my mother in on my website and how I’d already sold a photo. She was genuinely thrilled for me, and encouraged me to continue pursuing my dream.

“It is important to have your own identity, and not depend on a man to shape who you are,” she added almost absentmindedly. “I was so young when your father and I got together, and not much older when I became a mother. You girls know how I feel about true love and finding your soulmates, but more importantly, I now feel it’s necessary to be your own true self before you actively pursue a lifetime with a man you love. Love often muddles your ambitions and dreams. But, following your dreams in spite of falling in love is probably the best thing one could experience.”

She placed her fork down and focused on me. “Zara, it’s clear you and Lance have something very special between you. As your mother it’s also clear to me that you are very confused right now. You need to push away all your anxiety and worries that have nothing to do with you and Lance, like your relationship with your father…because that will eventually mend one way or another.

“What you need to decide is if Lance is what you want. You also need to consider where you want to be as a person. If you can’t get past Lance’s fame, then you’ll never get past it. Time will only fuel doubts, not eliminate them.”

My mother had just hit the bull’s-eye on what truly had been holding me back.