This is always my favorite part of our weekends at the lake. Of course, I love being with my friends. It’s just that it can be overwhelming. Jameson, Landon, and Owen are a lot of testosterone while Ashton is her own little party of crazy. Add to that already rowdy bunch one Bentley Sullivan, and it’s a little too much.
Ashton and I always share a tent, well except last year when I brought Tony with us. We had only been dating a few weeks but I was smitten. My excuse in breaking the “no date at the lake” rule was that we all knew Tony and so it was less like a date and more like just another friend. Unfortunately, with him here I didn’t get my nights at the water. He didn’t understand why I’d want alone time when I could be with him.
Waiting until Ashton is asleep, I quietly walk toward the water. This time of night, the only light that guides me is that of the moon and it’s perfect. I know this land well enough to know it’s safe. This is one of my top five favorite places in our area and it centers me when I need it. Having Ben here is throwing me off and I need this time more than ever.
I pick up a rock and attempt a skip and then another. Only instead of skipping these are tosses. Frustrated tosses. I hate that I brought Tony here to this place that means so much to me. I had always promised myself I wouldn’t blindly share with just anyone the places and things that matter the most to me.
How did I ever think I was in love with him? I wasn’t. I acknowledge that now. I cared about him, but if I loved him like I should have, would I care so little about the breakup? We were together just shy of a year and I can’t even pretend to be sad he’s not in my life anymore. Truthfully, I think I was happy to have someone like him choose me. I believed him when he said he cared and I trusted him with the things that matter the most to me – my friends, my family, and my heart.
It feels empowering to finally admit to myself that I was searching. I’ve always loved the idea of love, something I get from my mother. As I’ve gotten older I realize that my dad leaving her alone to raise a baby did a number on my mom. She’s spent most of my life, and hers, searching for her Prince Charming. Regardless of how many frogs she’s had to kiss, Tessa Lawrence believes her one true love exists.
When I was little she would tell me stories of princes and white knights saving the lonely princess. Even at a young age I knew the princess was her and that the men on white horses she described weren’t the men she actually dated. My mom settled. As an adult I see now that she took attention from whoever was giving it, not necessarily from the men she deserved. Dread hits me like this rock I’m skipping. It’s possible I’ve turned into my mother.
I pick up another rock and, after successfully completing the triple skip and admiring the ripples in the water, I sit down on the shore. Pulling my chin to my knees, I think of all the vows to myself I’ve made over the years. I’m always trying to better myself and not fall into patterns of my past or those of my mother.
Deep in thought, I don’t hear Bentley walk up behind me, nor do I hear him sit down beside me. I’m slightly startled when he begins talking.
“You had a good spin on that rock, Princess. Some awesome guy must have taught you how to skip.”
That comment makes me laugh because, in fact, an awesome guy did teach me to skip rocks. The guy sitting next to me to be precise.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Some weirdo tried to teach me to skip rocks when I was a kid but he wasn’t very good.”
Ben returns the laugh and nudges me with his shoulder. On instinct I lay my head on his shoulder as we both stare out at the lake. The moon is beautiful and the stars are shimmering in the sky like mini beacons. It’s breathtaking.
“Are you okay? You’ve been quiet all night,” he asks me.
I don’t answer right away. The honest truth is I have been quiet. I’m trying to process why every time this man is near me my heart races like it’s making a run for a gold medal. I breathe in the scent that I’ve grown accustomed to. The one that makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, sends chills up my spine, and even manages to send tingles between my legs. The scent of the man who has now put his arm around me and pulled me to his side.
“I’m okay, just having a moment,” I finally reply.
“J said you come down here a lot. It’s really peaceful. I can see why you like it.”
I push a stray hair that has fallen in my eye, and as I put my hand back down I realize I have nowhere to put it but on Ben’s leg. I feel him stiffen as I do and I don’t mean his posture. A slight smile takes over my face when I realize that he feels it, too. Somehow, in this crazy world, the one person I share a true connection with, the one person who can make me equally frustrated and happy at the same time, is the person I’m not supposed to feel something for.
We sit like that for a few minutes. I’m nestled into his side with my head on his shoulder and hand on his leg. I feel my eyes becoming heavier and before I can tell Ben that I am going to head to bed a noise startles me, causing me to jump almost directly onto his lap.
“Whoa, it was just a frog.”
“Well, it sounded bigger than a frog.” The defensiveness evident in my reply, I begin to move from his lap, but he puts his hands on my waist.
“Hey, it’s not a big deal. I was just teasing.”
I shift my weight so I can begin moving when I hear a rumble from the back of his throat that stops me. Through gritted teeth he looks me in the eye. “Piper, if you don’t want what we already agreed can’t happen again to happen, please stop moving in my lap.”
My eyes go wide as I look down and then quickly up. I’ve never been more grateful for the darkness as I am now. Surely my face a color close to that of my hair.
“Oh, uh. Sorry?”
“Is that a question, Princess?”
Oh, his voice. Down, girlie bits. “No, no. I’m sorry. So I’m going to get up now. If you now want to, I don’t know, think of zombies or something.”
He chuckles as he releases my waist and I stand, brushing off the non-existent dirt from my shorts. Following suit, Ben stands. As I turn to talk away he grabs my hand.
“This is really hard, Piper. I didn’t think it would be, but it is.”
I won’t even pretend to play dumb.
“Ben…” I don’t manage much more than his name before he releases my hand and places a hand on either side of my face, fingertips in my hair, and thumbs on my cheek. My gaze drifts to his lips as my hands reach his wrists. I want him to kiss me. I need him to kiss me. He’s closing the distance between us and can feel his breath mingling with mine.
“Tell me no, Piper. Tell me to stop.”
“Ben.”
“That’s not no.”
Before I can respond his lips are on mine. His lips are gentle at first, as if he thinks I’ll break. I won’t. I can’t with him. I feel that in my soul.
On instinct, I begin lowering my hands to rest on his hips and my body fits perfectly against him. That must be the invitation he needs because the kiss intensifies as he licks my lower lip. I release a pent-up purr as I open for him. The moment our tongues meet I see stars dancing. The tension in my body releases as a euphoric feeling begins its takeover. From my toes to my ears, I feel my skin tingle and my heart race. It’s an exhilarating ride of feelings. A series of extreme highs that should scare me. Highs that only seem to ground me and have me gripping his shirt like a life line. I feel his left hand on my waist as he holds me to him, keeping me upright. I’m thankful for that move because without it, I think I would fall.
Or, maybe I’m already falling. The moment I have that thought, I feel the tension return and Ben begin to pull back from me. He doesn’t immediately break the kiss. He seems to be savoring it and simply reversing it back to where it began with the gentleness returning. Resting his forehead to mine, we both breathe each other in and I feel like I’m about to cry. What is it with this man and my need to cry?
“Ben,” I say as my hands return to either wrist and I take a small step back.
“Don’t, Piper. Please, don’t say anything.”
As much as I don’t want to, I completely step back from Ben and put distance between us.
“We agreed, Ben. This is a bad idea.”
“No, Piper. We actually didn’t agree that this is a bad idea. We agreed that Ashton is important to both of us and we won’t do anything to hurt her. But what about us, Piper? There’s something between us. We both know it; why should we suffer?”
It seems like an eternity as I stand here, letting his words process. Suffer. That word seems extreme. And accurate. Sighing in frustration, I retreat even farther. Not only in space but within my heart.
Distance.
I need distance and yet with each step I take, he follows.
“You’re right.”
That statement stills him.
“Ashton is important to me. She is the best friend I’ve ever had, Ben. I won’t do anything that may jeopardize that.”
Ben seems to also be processing. The difference between him and me is that when I process I am serious and quiet. When Bentley Sullivan processes, he smiles and tries to hold hands.
I attempt to tug my hand back but he doesn’t let me as I continue.
“Tell me, Ben, what happens after we hook up? We’ll go on a few dates? Maybe hang out? Sure, that sounds great. Then you’ll realize I’m boring and not worth the effort. Regardless of what happens, it is bound to get awkward.”
The smile is gone.
“And when Ashton feels like she has to choose? What then? No. I won’t do it and you shouldn’t ask me to.”
Congratulations to me, I said all of that without crying. High five, self.
Now it’s Ben’s turn to sigh in frustration as he drops my hand.
Finally.
“Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Why do you put yourself down?”
Before I can respond he has taken both of my hands and attempts to tug me toward him. This time I’m ready. Taking my hands back, I wrap them around myself while taking a small step back.
“Piper,” he begins while stepping toward me. I put my hand up to stop him. “Fine, I’ll stand over here. Why do you put yourself down all the time? I can tell you one thing, Piper, I would never be bored with you.”
I snort in disbelief.
“Don’t.” The frustration is evident in a single word. “I wouldn’t. I’ve already told you how great I think you are. Shit, I’m putting myself out there, Piper. I’m telling you I want you. That I want to pursue this connection we have.”
A stand-off of sorts happens. Seconds pass while we just stand there, staring at each other without speaking. There is no way to respond to him without making this situation worse. I should walk away and end this conversation. Just as the thought occurs to me Ben takes a small tentative step toward me and continues his frustrated speech.
“Tell me why when you walk in a room, without me even seeing you, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Why is it that the minute you speak I lose all ability to think rationally? Your voice, Piper. God what your voice does to me. When you speak each syllable slips over me like the slowest pour of honey. I would listen to you read the phone book if you wanted.” My breath hitches as he takes another step. “Baby, I want to know why every single time I look in your eyes, so beautiful and kind, that I see so much more than I ever thought was possible.”
A final step and he’s directly in front of me again. My defenses down with each word he speaks. Tears freely flowing as he places those damn hands on my face again. Sighing in resignation. Each movement is precise and cautious, leaving me more conflicted.
The little angel on my shoulder is telling him not to kiss me while the little devil on my other shoulder is encouraging the opposite.
“I’m not going to kiss you again, Piper. I’ve laid it all out on the line. I’ve told you how I feel. The next move is yours. No matter what you decide, I’ll still be your friend. I won’t like it but I’ll do it.”
With that declaration he drops his hands and walks away from me.
Left alone watching his back as he retreats to his tent, I am left with nothing but my thoughts and emotions. Regardless of how beautiful his words are or how he makes me feel, I’m not willing to take the risk of hurting Ashton nor our friendship.
I begrudgingly return to the tent I share with my best friend. As I settle in to my sleeping bag, Ashton rolls over and smiles at me.
“Did you get your alone time?” she asks me between yawns.
“Yeah, I did. Go back to sleep, it’s late.”
“K. Night, love you.”
“Love you, too.”
And, that is why Bentley Sullivan and I will only ever be friends.
The problem with heart-to-heart conversations under the moonlight is the morning after. Unlike romance movies or novels, I didn’t have some epiphany of how Ben and I could pursue our feelings and not hurt Ashton. Just the opposite, actually. I tossed and turned all night, and when I did manage a few minutes of sleep, my dreams were consumed by flashes of the moments we’ve had together. And that damn frog. I’m still not convinced it was just a frog.
After finally emerging from our tent, I join the rest of the group for breakfast in the cabin. Grateful no life-changing decisions need to be made today, I savor my coffee. Only once I’ve made it halfway through my second cup do I notice that Ben isn’t at the table.
Fine, I noticed when I sat down but it’s only just processing.
“Where’s Ben?”
“Nothwer ike,” Landon answers as eggs fall from his mouth. I raise an eyebrow at him and he swallows before offering me a smile. “Another hike, sorry.”
I return his smile as I grab another piece of bacon.
“Piper, are you going to be boring again? Do you plan on just sitting around drinking water and reading?” Ashton teases as she nudges my shoulder with her own.
“Hush up. I had fun yesterday and had a few beers. I actually feel like today may be a perfect day for day drinking.”
“Yes!” Ashton shouts as she offers me her hand for a high five, which I give her. “Tell me more about these day drinking plans? Are we starting with red beers after breakfast? Bloody Marys? Man-whore, do you have any champagne? Mimosas may be what the doctor ordered!”
“Ashton,” I say with a warning in my voice.
“What?” Ashton unconvincingly questions. I just shake my head and stand to put my cup in the sink.
“I assume you are speaking to me?” Arms crossed as he leans back in his chair, Jameson acts as if Ashton calling him a man-whore, or any other name, doesn’t bother him, but his eyes tell a different story.
“Obviously, I don’t see another man-whore around here.”
With the exception of Jameson and Ashton, we all laugh as Owen and Landon start to argue that perhaps they, too, should be considered for the title. Seeing who will blink first, Jameson and Ashton stare at one another, brows raised and lips pursed. The tension is both ridiculous and unnecessary.
“Good grief. Ash, please stop calling Jameson names. This is his place. And, J?” Jameson turns to look at me. “You blinked first, you lost. I’m going for a run, see you all in a bit.”
Leaving the cabin, I can still hear Owen and Landon campaigning for the elusive title. Thank goodness for those two and their banter. If there is one thing their argument is sure to do, it’s to ease the tension between Ash and Jameson. Tension that is giving me a headache, and tension that is bound to implode when we all least expect it.
After an internal battle over a run versus nap, the run wins out. There is no way Ashton will let me out of a day of drinking and shenanigans. I’m going to enjoy the day and my friends without letting last night’s conversation with Ben interfere with any of it.
Four hours after the stare down in the kitchen, we are all enjoying the sun, water, and coolers full of drinks. The guys have tossed some food on the grill and left Ashton and me to our own devices for a while. It’s a much-needed moment of quiet.
“Ash, can I ask you something?”
Ashton raises her head from where she’s laying on her towel and looks at me over her sunglasses. “Obviously. What’s up? Don’t look so serious, you’ll kill the moment.”
I laugh at her. “Sorry, it’s not serious. I don’t think so anyway. What’s your deal with Jameson? Did you guys hook up and you never told me?”
Putting her sunglasses back in place, Ashton buries her head and mumbles a response I can’t quite make out. “Stop mumbling.”
“Ugh,” she sighs as she sits up and looks at me. “Nothing ever happened. I just … I don’t know. He drives me nuts. He both infuriates and saddens me at the same time. He makes my insides flip. It reminds me of that time I bungee jumped. Then he’ll say something and I want to kick him in the nuts and never speak to him again.”
Interesting.
“Do you like him, Ash?”
“That’s a dumb question, Piper. We’re friends. We’ve been friends most of our life; he is my brother’s best friend. Of course I like him. He’s just annoying and set on screwing every ho-bag in the county.” Ending her short monologue with a huff, she lays down again.
“Would you ever date him?” I don’t know why I ask this, but I do, and part of me hopes she says yes.
“Yeah, no. Jameson and I, well we aren’t like that. Plus, he’s Ben’s best friend. That’s a violation of some sibling best friend code or something. Besides, my brother would lose his shit if I went to him and said I wanted to ride Jameson’s pony.”
I offer her a little laugh. “Pretty sure you should never refer to a man’s penis as a pony. Do you really think Ben would care?” He’d be a hypocrite if he did.
Shrugging, she starts to settle back on her towel. “It doesn’t matter; I’d never do that. No good could come from hook-ups among friends. One breakup and the entire group would be chaos and I just think it would put my brother in an awkward position.”
“I guess it could be weird.”
“Weird? Piper, it would be more than weird. I’m Ben’s sister. If something happened, and that’s a huge if by the way, and it ended not only would Ben have to choose sides but he’d probably always choose mine. He’d lose his best friend and that’s not worth a pony ride.”
“Stop with the pony reference. I just think there’s a reason Jameson gets you in knots and maybe you should think about that.”
No reply given says volumes. The guys return with food and another great day at the lake continues. No drama, no chaos, and no serious conversations with Ben or Ashton. Another game of chicken between the guys this time gives Ashton and me enough time for quick showers before dinner.
Before I join the group at the bonfire, I excuse myself into the cabin for a few minutes to myself. I’m washing dishes when those little hairs on my neck raise. I don’t need him to speak to know Ben is behind me. He doesn’t touch me but I feel him as if his hands were on me.
“You doing okay? You’re a little quiet tonight.”
Rinsing the dish in my hand, I place it in the drainer before grabbing the next or offering him an answer. After what feels like minutes but is only seconds I resign myself to answer.
“I’m great. It’s been a fun day. I am ready to get home though.”
“Piper,” he says, but I don’t let him finish as I rinse and place one very clean plate to dry and grab a towel turning to him.
“Ben, please don’t. I really had a good day and don’t want to talk about this anymore. Can we please just be friends? We have less than a week before school starts. We’ll see each other every day and it’d be great if we were in a good place.”
A small smile appears and he nods. “Okay. So, friend, can you please tell me why we start work on a Thursday? This really seems ass backwards.”
I laugh and know then and there that everything will be okay.