Having Laurel in town has proven to be a blessing. Ashton has been spending time with her and helping her deal with whatever is going on in her life. Ben’s respected my request for space and has only sent me good morning and good night text messages. I miss him. More than that I thought it was humanly possible to miss another person. It’s not just his touch that I miss. It’s his chivalry, kindness, and his amazing laugh. Heck, I miss his loud eating and I’d even take his leaving the toilet seat up at this point.
I know it would only take a quick call and he’d be here. The ball is most definitely in my court at this point, I just have to decide what to do with it. Do I want to end things with Ben? No. If I were listening to a friend saying all of these thoughts aloud, I would be completely frustrated and want to shake some sense into her. And, I’d remind my friend that the guy isn’t going to wait forever and if my heart is broken it’s my own doing.
I’ve been completely selfish. Ben doesn’t deserve this back and forth high school drama. I need to either lay it all out there or end things.
A knock at my door jars me from my thoughts. Ashton doesn’t wait for me to answer and lets herself in.
“Hey, sister from another mister!”
Joining me in the kitchen, she tosses her purse on the table and leans against the counter, snatching a carrot from my cutting board.
“Watch it, you wouldn’t want to lose a finger, would you?”
“Oh hush, you wouldn’t cut me. I’m starving, what are you making?”
“I was just making a salad and cooked some chicken. I figured since we’re eating big tomorrow we could eat light tonight.”
“Excellent plan. I cannot wait for tomorrow. My mom was making a pecan pie when I left tonight. The house smells heavenly. God, I love pie.”
“Yes, Ash, we know. Everyone knows how much you love pie. Want to eat in the living room?”
“Sure, take that in and I’ll grab some drinks. No booze tonight, though. Laurel and I drank way too much wine last night. That girl is a lot of fun. It’s too bad she was such a dud when she was with my brother. Maybe they wouldn’t have broken up.”
I don’t respond to her statement and set our plates on the coffee table. Taking a spot on the couch, I remind myself that Laurel confirmed that the breakup was a good thing for both her and Ben. Regardless, the idea of them together stings just the same. Ashton joins me and places a glass of tea on the table.
“So, what’s new? I know I haven’t been around much, sorry. Heard from dickhead lately?” she asks, grabbing her plate and taking a bite of her salad.
“If you mean Tony, yeah, we had breakfast the other day.”
Coughing while attempting to swallow her food, Ashton’s eyes widen. I take mercy on her and explain.
“Oh, well, as long as you weren’t like on a date or anything. You deserve better than him, Pipe.”
“Thanks. What about you? Any new prospects?”
“Yeah, no. I’m on sabbatical from guys. Plus, I’ve been spending time with Laurel while she’s staying with us. Ben’s been working on his house non-stop. At this point he will be living there by Christmas.”
“Wow, that seems fast.”
“I know, but he’s been working around the clock all week and I think he finally hired Jameson to have professionals finish it. Something is up with him. At first I thought it was having Laurel around, but they both told me it’s not a big deal. He’s been a grumpy asshole again so I assume his secret girlfriend dumped him. I wish I knew who she was so I could ask her to take him back.”
“Secret girlfriend?” I ask, my stomach tightening at the idea of Ashton knowing about us.
“Yep. Didn’t I tell you? Ben had some secret girlfriend. He basically disappeared for a few weeks and we hardly saw him. But when we did? He was happy and fun to be around. He reminded me of how he was when we were growing up. I liked him again. Now he’s back to being boring and on edge.”
I know the feeling. “Did he tell you he had a girlfriend?”
“Nah, I figured it out, but he didn’t deny it either. I don’t get the secrecy. I mean, unless she’s married or something. Ben wouldn’t do that though. He’s the good guy.”
“I agree. Maybe he just wanted to have something for himself. Keep it private for a while.”
“That’s ridiculous. We’re family, why wouldn’t he want us to meet her? Is he embarrassed by her? Oh my gosh! You don’t think it’s Felicity, do you? I heard her and the Mr. Thorne were having problems. Jenna Showalter was in Country Road the other night and said she was in Burlington last week shopping. She saw Felicity shopping at Target. I don’t think she’s stepped in a Target since 2003!”
We both laugh at that. I can’t imagine seeing Felicity walking around Target decked out in her Gucci pushing a red shopping cart comparing toilet paper brands.
“We shouldn’t laugh, but it is funny. Besides, I can guarantee it’s not Felicity. At the school’s Fall festival Ben was not impressed with her when she was rude to me.”
“See, that’s what I mean. Good guy. One day that good guy thing is going to bite him in the ass. His holier-than-thou noble attitude is going to screw him over and I’m going to laugh.”
I was hoping there would be an opportunity for me to casually bring Ben up to Ashton tonight. I’m closer to deciding what to do with that ball in my court and this is the last part of that equation.
“That’s funny. You’re right though. He is a good guy. Did I ever tell you I had a crush on him?”
“Eww, on my brother?”
“Yep. Probably off and on from the time I starting liking boys.”
“That’s weird and a little gross.” She visibly shivers and I laugh. “I guess I can see it though. You guys are totally alike. Plus, even I can admit he’s not completely gross-looking. I mean, for my brother and all. Did you ever, you know, hook up or anything? This is a weird conversation.”
“For the record no, your brother is far from gross-looking. You can relax, I never made a move on your brother.” Truth. Well, semi-truth. I did beg him to have sex with me a few times. “Besides, it’s not like I was ever on his radar anyway. You know it took me until I was in college to really have any confidence.”
“I’ve never understood that but yeah, I remember. Well, this is an interesting development. Maybe you guys should get together. Then he’d stop being a complete jerk all the time.”
Ashton’s comment comes at the exact moment I take a drink. “What?” I spit out, along with half of my tea.
“I said maybe you guys should get together. But the more I think of it that would be weird. I mean what if you realize he’s really disgusting and dump him. That would be really hard for him at holidays. Being alone when you were over instead of him.”
She winks at me and I laugh. Maybe telling Ash would be a good thing.
“Just tell me if you decide you want to live out some teenage fantasy and make out with my brother. I’d need to prepare myself. Like maybe go into therapy or something. I really hate surprises and may have to kick your ass if you spring it on me without warning. A year’s warning, minimum.”
Or not.
Ashton and I ended up staying up too late and she spent the night. Sharing a bed with Ashton Sullivan is not nearly the experience it is with Bentley Sullivan. My bed is large but Ashton has the ability to take up three quarters of it and kick a person enough to leave bruises.
After she left this morning I promised to come over early to help with dinner while the guys watched football. I’m going to use the next few hours to decide once and for all what I’m going to do about Bentley. I feel a shift in every aspect of my life today and I need to put my big girl panties on and take control of my life. There is really no room for self-doubt at this point. I need to put it all on the line and see what happens. No risk, no reward.
I decide to take a run to work off some of this tension. Instead of running in my neighborhood as usual I drive to the trails across town. I need to be in a more serene environment and this is it.
I warm up a little before I start off down the main trail. A winding three-mile path with a few hills to challenge me is exactly what I need. My running playlist is booming in my ears and my pace is quick as I make the last curve before the trail loops back around. Something to the left catches my attention and I blink a few times as the figure comes into focus. Ben.
Slowing my pace as I approach, I watch as a smile takes over his handsome face. It’s been less than a week and I miss that smile. The feeling hits me hard and my already labored breath quickens under his guise.
“Hey,” I say between breaths.
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“Okay, you?”
He doesn’t look okay. He looks tired. Exhausted may be more accurate. Sad and maybe a little defeated.
“So, this is awkward,” he comments, taking the words right out of my mouth.
“I know. I’m sorry, Ben.”
“Want to walk back and talk? I have to get home to help my dad with some stuff before everyone comes over.”
I nod in response and fall in step beside him. The trail is wide enough to allow us to walk side by side and not touch. I want nothing more than to reach out and grab his hand. To apologize for pushing him away. For jumping to conclusions about him and Laurel. I want to beg him to love me back. I don’t.
“Piper, can you tell me what I did wrong? What changed?”
“Nothing changed. I just … I don’t know. I’m so confused and my head is a mess. I am my own worst enemy and know that. I am who I am though, Ben. I just need some time to figure things out. Sort through it all and consider all possibilities.”
Stopping, Ben sits on a nearby boulder and runs his hands through his hair. His beautiful dark-brown hair that is a little longer than it used to be. It’s perfect. His scruff is neatly trimmed and I expect that was for his mom and today’s dinner. I take this moment while he’s silent to really look at him. I know under that shirt lays a set of abs to give Thor himself a run for his money. Just the thought of those abs has my breath quickening and wondering when the temperature rose.
“Are you done ogling me?”
“Whaa … what?”
Softly laughing, Ben reaches for my hand. “It’s okay. I miss you ogling me. God, Piper. How has it only been a week and I feel like it’s been years? I miss you. Why are you pushing me away?”
I take his other hand in mine so we’re holding hands. I take a step forward so I’m standing just before him, eye to eye.
“I’m not avoiding you, Ben. I’m avoiding us. It’s all too much and overwhelming. I don’t have the best track record and I’m scared.”
“I know you’re scared, Piper, but I promise this will all be okay. Trust me.”
I let go of his hands and take a step back.
“I saw you.”
I see confusion on his face.
“At the deli. With Laurel.”
“Piper,” he begins, but I stop him.
“It’s okay. I talked to her and she explained why she’s here. But I didn’t like how I reacted to that. The way I felt and how upset I was. I don’t want to feel like that, Ben.”
“Nothing happened. Nothing is happening with Laurel. You have to know that, Piper.” His voice is frantic and his face reflects the panic he’s feeling.
“You said I should trust you. I do, Ben, and that’s part of what scares me. I believe you when you promise you’ll never hurt me. But the reality is you can’t promise that.”
I shake my head like I’m trying to clear my mind. “Not only that, we’ve gone about this all wrong. Lying to everyone for months, Ben. I know you kept the secret for me but I was wrong.”
I feel the tears begin to form and a lump appears in my throat. Standing from his perch, he steps close to me. Putting a hand on either side of my face, his fingers in my hair, he tilts my face up to his, forcing me to look directly in his eyes. My hands go to his forearms, attempting to brace myself as a piece of my recently built wall cracks.
“Piper, I’ve let you use Ashton as an excuse long enough. Yes, she may be upset because we’ve been crap friends and lied. She may also have one of her dramatic responses and declare she’s not going to speak to either of us for the rest of her life. None of that will be real, Piper. This isn’t about Ashton and it hasn’t been for a long time. This is about you and me. This is about you letting go.”
I don’t acknowledge his words as he continues.
“You’re right. It is possible you’ll get hurt. There’s a possibility I’ll get hurt. That’s the risk we take. Regardless of what may happen, you have to believe. Believe in us. I can’t promise things will be perfect or that there won’t be some bumps in the road. I can promise that I will always be there with you and will never stop doing my best to make sure you’re happy.”
I swallow and will the tears to stay hidden.
“Piper, I don’t want us to miss out on something that is so perfect because we are worried about what may happen or of hurting someone’s feelings. At some point we have to put ourselves first. We deserve this. You deserve this.”
I close my eyes as I absorb his words. It’s quiet with the exception of the sounds of nature surrounding us and our own breathing. I take a deep breath and I open eyes to find him staring at me. A look so pure and loving my pulse speeds up.
Not allowing me to respond, he turns and takes off in a jog. No kiss, no hug, no declaration. I take the spot he vacated on the boulder and let his words settle.
Ben makes everything seem so simple and possible. I want to believe he’s right, it just doesn’t come natural to me. Risk for the reward, is it that simple?