After work I came home and was relieved to see my mother had actually left as she said she would. There was the slight chance she’s have some sort of maternal reaction and want to stay for a few days. I don’t think I could stomach another one of her pep talks on my love life.
As soon as I was in my apartment I made a beeline for my room and changed into the only outfit I plan to wear in the foreseeable future – pajama pants and a T-shirt. Fine, it’s Ben’s T-shirt. The perfect ensemble for a recluse. I may have made a lot of changes in my life over the last few years but the ability to return to my reclusive ways is always easy. Wearing Ben’s shirt is just an added level of my self-destructive ways.
I have all of my wallowing and post-breakup necessities ready in just a few minutes. Food delivery menus, my favorite pop and ice cream, salty chips, movies that make me cry, and a box of tissues are assembled and placed on the coffee table.
My wallowing list doesn’t vary much from what I remember my mom having after a breakup. Instead of a few delivery options, pizza was our only option and my mom opted for wine instead of pop. The rest is pretty on point. I guess I’m no different than other women my age, I’m becoming my mother.
Over the last few hours I’ve experienced at least three of the five stages of grief. I managed to get through the biggies before my pizza was delivered and I poured my second glass of wine - denial, bargaining, and acceptance. I was in denial that Ben was actually at the deli with Laurel. Surely I had fallen asleep and it was a nightmare. That was followed by the acceptance that he had been there and I waited too long. The bargaining came around the time I put his T-shirt on and asked the heavens to let me go back to this morning and tell him how I feel.
I’ve consumed half a pizza and a bottle of wine since the bargaining went without a response. I can feel myself moving right on to stage four – anger. I’m pissed. How dare he? How dare he stand there this morning, looking sexy as all get-out, and be kind and understanding with where I am in my feelings? He knows me well enough to know I needed to unload on someone. Since my go-to person, Ashton, is out of the question, my mother was the next obvious choice.
Obvious choice if my mother were the nurturing, loving, and supportive type of mother, that is. Regardless, her words did hit a little close to home. Ben deserves someone who is his equal. Not the girl who is perfectly happy teaching kindergarten in her home town. I’m a creature of habit and not an outside the box kind of girl. He should be with someone who scales mountains. Or at the very least, has a passport.
A passport. Who really needs a passport? Not this girl, that’s for sure. I don’t need to leave this country to find adventure. The Grand Canyon is adventure. I’ll go there. How about that, oh-so-perfect Bentley Sullivan? Suck on that.
I may need to reconsider this second bottle of wine I’m opening. Nope, I’m doing it. I’ll regret it and that’s fine because I’m doing something outside of my norm. Stupid Bentley Sullivan and his text message saying he’s coming over. No, sir. I don’t think so.
I knew telling him to respect me was going to be the only way to keep him away. Questioning Ben’s integrity is a surefire way to get him to back down. God I love that about him. Nope. No love. Love is for suckers. I’m not going to be a sucker.
As I’m looking at the glass of wine I poured and arguing with the rational side of my brain that is telling me to dump it out and go to bed, my phone chimes a text message. I did tell him he could text in moderation. I’m sure he’s just telling me goodnight. Or to lock the door. Or that he’s back with Laurel and how happy they’ll be. Probably that last one.
Jerk.
I set my wine down and grab my phone with the intent to tell him to go jump in a lake when I notice the text isn’t from him.
Tony: Hey Piper. Are you up?
Great, just what I need. Little angel Piper on the left shoulder says not to be rude and answer him. Little devil Piper on the right shoulder says to answer him for a little revenge.
Me: Yep, what’s up?
Tony: I was wondering if we could meet for coffee I wanted to talk to you about something.
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
What could he possibly have to say? He’s actually found two women who want to share him? I know he doesn’t have a disease, I confirmed that at the doctor within a week after our breakup.
Tony: I thought we were friends.
Wine is in charge tonight.
Me: Fine. When and where?
Tony: Tomorrow morning, the diner at 8?
Me: Better make it 10. See you then.
I really am a glutton for punishment. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe, just maybe, one of the town gossips will see us and tell Ben I’ve moved on. Well, not moved on since nobody knows about us because I’m a scared child, but gossip could be good for a change. Then stupid Ben can feel crappy for a minute.
Those are my final thoughts as I fall asleep on the couch with every intention of not dreaming of Bentley James Sullivan. I fail miserably even in sleep mode.
Being at Rosa’s with Tony is not my idea of an ideal morning. However, a big plate of Rosa’s huevos rancheros is the perfect way to spend a morning after drinking an entire bottle of wine. Tony was waiting for me outside in the parking lot when I arrived. I’m in no condition for small talk. The wine has turned to acid in my stomach, so we just walk in without more than a good morning between us.
As always, it’s sensory overload in Rosa’s. The smells are delicious as usual, but this morning they are like a sledgehammer and the noise seems abnormally louder than usual. The saving grace is an open booth. I make a beeline for the booth and slither in, laying my head down on my hands in a napping position.
“Rough night, Piper?” Tony asks as he takes the seat across from me.
“Yes. Obviously, or I wouldn’t even be here. I had a momentarily lapse of control when the wine answered you.”
Before he can reply to my snarky remark his mom is at our table, pulling me from my seat.
“Oh! Piper!” She’s shouting so loud.
“Mom, maybe don’t yell. I think Piper had a little too much wine last night.”
Shooting him a look that tells him to shut up, I return Rosa’s hug. “I’m fine. Just moving a little slow this morning. Nothing some of your wonderful food and coffee won’t cure.”
“Of course, m’ija. Let me get your food going. What are you feeling like?”
Tony and I place our order with Rosa and she scurries away, motioning for a server to bring us coffee. Once I’ve taken a few sips of the liquid gold I finally feel a little more normal.
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
“Gee, Piper. I thought we could at least catch up. How have you been?”
I don’t reply, only shrug and take another sip of my coffee. What is there to say? Do I tell him that I was blissfully happy for the first time in forever until about noon yesterday? How about telling him I fell in love with my best friend’s brother and now I’ll have to spend the rest of my life pretending I didn’t? I think I’ll pass on all accounts.
“Are you still seeing Sullivan?”
That jars me from my bonding time with my coffee. My eyes go wide as I look at Tony, trying to process how to answer. Technically we were never “seeing” each other, just friends. I’m also the Queen of Denial in case there was any doubt.
“Umm, we’re just friends.”
“It didn’t seem that way to me. What does Ashton have to say about it?”
I hesitate, and now it’s his eyes that widen.
“Oh shit. She doesn’t know.” Letting out a whistle, he leans back as our food arrives.
“Just drop it, okay. There’s nothing going on. At least, not anymore.” The last part of my statement a mumble under my breath.
“I heard that. Is that why you spent your night at the bottom of a wine bottle? It’s not like you to overindulge.”
“That’s a little dramatic. And sadly, the truth. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m so straight-laced and predictable. Boring.”
“Is that what he said? Did he tell you that? I’ll beat his ass for being such a dick to you, Piper. Just say the word.”
That statement triggers something in me and I break out in a string of laughter that sounds manic. It’s absolutely ridiculous that both Tony and Ben are quick to blame the other for treating me poorly.
“I’ll do it, too. I may not have been the best boyfriend but I would never say those things to you.”
“Oh no, instead you’d go behind my back and try to find someone else. Give me a break. You are in no position to try and be my friend. I am too tired and hungover for this. What did you want to talk about?”
“You’re right. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
I really can’t deal with this, but I’m here and this coffee is spectacular. I motion for him to continue.
“I was a shitty boyfriend and I’m sorry. I can’t apologize enough. I loved you, Piper, I swear that was true. I think you were right though; we weren’t in love.”
For the next few minutes, I simply eat my breakfast and drink my coffee. Every few bites I look up at Tony and he’s just staring at me. I enjoy this more than I should. I’m not a cruel person, but when it comes to Tony I am enjoying watching him uncomfortable.
I could use this opportunity to unleash all of the reasons Tony sucked as a boyfriend. The truth of the matter is, I knew who Tony was when I started dating him. Somewhere in my life I decided I wasn’t worth more than what someone like Tony offered. That part I own. Overall, I enjoyed being the girl a good-looking and sought-after guy chose. We had fun together and for a majority of our relationship he wasn’t a bad guy. In the end we were just going through the motions with no future.
The server refills our coffee, and after I add the perfect amount of creamer I take a drink before I finally respond to Tony’s apology.
“True enough. We weren’t in love.” He begins to reply before I cut him off, “But, that doesn’t mean I deserved to be treated that way.”
“What about Sullivan?”
“What about him? I told you, we’re friends.”
“I’ll admit, at first I was pissed you were together, but the more I thought about it the more it makes sense. Plus, anyone that’s around you two for more than thirty seconds can feel the sexual tension.”
I’m not able to reply to his comments because something catches his attention over my shoulder. With a sly grin on his face he sits up straight and places an arm on the back of the booth while he reaches for his coffee. Nodding to whomever is behind me, he takes a sip of his coffee.
Like a lead brick, my stomach drops.
I slowly look to my right and up at the person who is now standing next to me. Crap.
“Dominguez.”
“Sullivan.”
“Princess.”
“Umm, hey, Ben. How’s it going?”
“Fine. What’s going on here?” The tension in Ben’s jaw has me worried he’s going to break a tooth.
“Piper and I were just enjoying an early breakfast. She needed the substance after last night,” Tony replies and I shoot him a look to shut his mouth. His insinuation doesn’t go unnoticed by Ben.
“Last night? I thought you weren’t feeling well.”
Just as I’m about to explain why I’m here with Tony, his name is called for a to-go order.
“Wow, that’s a lot of food. Your mom isn’t cooking?” I ask.
“This is for the guys. They’re meeting me at my house to do some work. I haven’t been spending as much time on the house as I should lately.”
Excuse me if spending time with me was such an imposition. I’m sure Laurel would never demand so much attention. I don’t say any of that. Instead I smile and grit out a polite response.
“That’s nice of them. Well, don’t let us keep you,” I say while turning back in my seat so I’m facing Tony. Who, by the way, is smiling like the proverbial cat that ate the canary.
The dismissal evident in my voice, Ben says nothing and instead retrieves his order and walks out of the diner. I quickly look out the window and see him stop at his truck and look in my direction. Our eyes meet and the look in his breaks my already fragile heart into a million pieces. I’m not even aware I’m crying until Tony pushes a napkin in my hand.
“Damn, that was awkward. What did the guy do, Piper? I almost feel bad for him.”
“He did what all the guys I’m with do. He chose someone else. I have to go. Tell your mom I said goodbye.”
I rush from the diner, leaving Tony sitting in the booth alone. I haven’t even started my car when my phone chimes a text message.
Ben: If you are trying to make me jealous it didn’t work. Don’t push me away.
The crocodile tears start and I don’t respond. I need to be somewhere safe and full of love. That place has been with Ben. He fills the voids and hushes the loneliness. Ben challenges me and cares for me in equal amounts. I want nothing more than to talk to him and ask him to choose me. To tell him that I screwed up. I should never have treated what we had as something salacious when it was pure.
Instead I drive around for a bit before I find myself at the Sullivans’. Before Ben was my safe place, their home was where I feel my best. My haven when life is too hard and I seek something to stop the loneliness. When I pull up I gather myself and hope that Ashton will just be here for me without me having to explain what is happening. I can’t explain it to her if I have no idea.
As I approach the kitchen door I notice the house is quiet and there are no cars outside. I check the door and confirm it’s locked. I use my own key to unlock it and head inside. Even if there are no actual Sullivans here, the house itself offers me enough comfort. I’m filling a glass with ice tea when I hear footsteps and then a gasp. Startled, I drop the glass, which shatters across the floor.
“Oh shit! You scared me. Don’t move, I’ll get a broom.”
Laurel. Of course she’s here. Why wouldn’t she be. I can’t even move because there’s glass everywhere. I’m stuck here in this position while I wait for her to return.
“Here, let me just sweep this up so you can move. You aren’t cut, are you?”
I shake my head but don’t speak. She is quick to clean up the mess I made and takes the dust pan of glass shards to the outside trash. While she’s gone I attempt once again to pour myself a glass of iced tea. This time, using an unbreakable glass.
Laurel walks up to me with a tentative smile and extends her hand. “Hi there. I’m Laurel.”
Because my mother imbedded manners in my psyche, I shake her hand. “Piper Lawrence.”
“Oh. Oh!” she responds with some sort of recognition in her voice. Which is strange since we’ve never actually met. My confused look must register because she covers her mouth and begins laughing. “You must think I’m a crazy person. You’re Piper. Ashton’s best friend.” I nod and relax a little. Ashton must have mentioned me. “Ben’s Piper.”
What in the what?
“Excuse me?”
“You’re Ben’s Piper. He told me all about you. Well, not all about you. He’s rather mum about the whole being in love thing, but whatever. Semantics.” Her hands waving like she’s shooing something from around her. “I’m so excited to meet you. Thank goodness nobody is here so we can talk. You two really have made a mess of things, haven’t you?”
“I’m sorry, what? I need to sit down.”
“Oh sure, of course. Let’s sit down. That tea looks good. I’m going to get some. Are you hungry? That’s why I was walking in here, to get a snack. I’m starving. I haven’t been eating much but for some reason, being here has retriggered my appetite.”
I decline a snack and watch as she buzzes around the kitchen. She’s obviously familiar with the setup. This should seem normal; she was with Ben for years and has been here before. Only, this triggers nothing but jealousy.
Ashton has always referred to Laurel as cold and closed off. This is not the person rambling on and on about crackers, gluten, and regret. I shake my head a little as if that will somehow make this less awkward.
“So, Piper. You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here. I asked myself that same question this morning. It took me a few minutes to realize I was in Ben’s childhood room. Patty should really redecorate the space.”
I cough a little when she mentions sleeping in Ben’s room. They stayed here. In his childhood bed. Why wouldn’t they? Could this day get any worse?
“Oh shit! That sounded really bad. I’m making things worse, aren’t I?” I don’t reply, I just stare at her wide-eyed. Some questions aren’t in need of an answer. “Let me start with telling you that Ben and I are just friends. One hundred percent, we’re just friends. I have some things happening in my life and really needed a friend so I called Ben. He insisted I come stay here for the week and celebrate the holiday with his family. With all of you.”
I relax a little at her explanation. She must recognize it because she exhales what sounds like relief. “He slept on the couch.” I nod. I have no idea why I can’t speak, but my tongue feels like it has tripled in size. “Anyway, so this house is made for sleeping. I don’t know if it’s the house or the quiet but I slept like a baby. When Ben and I were together I was always on edge, not quite fitting in with his family, so I didn’t appreciate how warm and inviting it is. I also didn’t appreciate how kind his parents and Ashton are. Truly, they are wonderful people.”
“I agree, they really are. I’m sure things will be different between you and them now. Different than it was before.”
“Oh, I meant what I said. I am not here to be with Ben. I just needed somewhere to go that wasn’t home. And, well, let’s just say nobody would think to look for me here so it was perfect. Anyway,” she says shooing the invisible flies again to indicate she’s past that subject. “Enough about me. Can we please talk about what a mess you and Ben are making of things?”
“Look,” I reply with a warning in my voice. “I’m not sure what you and Ben have been talking about, but there is nothing going on to make a mess of. We’re friends. Co-workers.”
“Oh, sweetie, that is so beyond crap it’s not even funny.”
“Why don’t you enlighten me then, Laurel, because I’m pretty sure I know what my relationship status is and I’m not in one.” Now I’m just pissed. Who does she think she is? She doesn’t know me and couldn’t possibly know anything about Ben and me unless he’s been talking to her about us, which he promised he wouldn’t do.
“Now, now, no need to get snippy. I’m on your side. I’m absolutely team Biper.”
“Biper?”
“Yeah like Brangelina and Bennifer. You’re Biper. Sorry, I love pop culture and maybe watch a little too much E! in my downtime.”
Interesting, I didn’t take Laurel as a pop culture and tabloid aficionado. “Maybe we could skip the nicknames and you could just tell me what you think you know about Ben and me.”
“Deal. First, I haven’t talked to Ben much in the last few months. We have texted here and there but nothing really. We were together a long time but in the end we were and are just good friends. The romance had died out long ago.”
She pauses almost like a check-in to make sure I’m following along. When I don’t respond she continues, “Then, like I said, I have some stuff happening in my personal life and I needed a friend. Ben was the only person I knew I could trust and wouldn’t judge me. For some reason I feel like I should tell you everything just so you know I’m serious here. We are just friends.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything. I’m sorry you have things going on but I’m glad Ben was there for you. Everyone should have someone to lean on.”
“Thank you. Anyway, I text him yesterday morning and asked if we could meet for lunch.”
Morning text and lunch. Oh no.
“It’s funny; I called him because I needed a friend and it turns out he did, too. I was a mess and will forever be grateful he took the time to see me. But, I knew as soon as he sat down something was different.”
This conversation is making me uncomfortable and I begin shifting in my seat.
“This morning over a cup of coffee, we had a few minutes to talk. We talked about my stuff but I pried and asked why he was being such a moody jerk. He told me about you.”
“He had no right to do that.”
“Didn’t he? He needed to talk to someone. Ben cares about you, Piper. I think more than cares, and if your reaction to all of this is any indication, you care for him, too. I’d go as far as to say you love him.”
I don’t respond.
“Look, I’m no relationship expert,” she says with a slight hitch in her voice. “But I know a little something about wasting time and taking love for granted. Ben has respected your wishes and not told Ashton about you. He’s also been patient by letting you decide when and if you tell other people about your relationship. You can’t expect him to sit around and wait forever. It’s time to piss or get off the pot.”
I cringe at her choice of words.
“Sorry, too much?” I shrug. “I’m serious though. I won’t go into any details but will confirm that Ben didn’t talk to me about his feelings for you specifically. That’s a conversation you should have with one another.”
I am relieved to hear Ben didn’t talk to her about his feelings. Something about that would bother me more than I’d like to admit. Not that it’s Laurel, but that he’d tell someone something so private before talking to me.
“Now, that we have all of that out of the way. The Ashton angle is a bit of a problem, isn’t it? I don’t know her well but I can see the trepidation. She’s a little scary for such a little thing, isn’t she?”
I laugh with Laurel and have to agree with her. What’s the point in even disputing any of this? “I have to agree with you there, Laurel. I love Ashton like a sister but I am thankful I sit on her good side. That’s part of the problem. As much as Ash loves hard, she can hold a grudge like nobody’s business.”
“Are you afraid she’s going to be angry and not talk to you anymore?” I nod in agreement. “That’s ridiculous!” I startle as Laurel smacks her hand on the table. “Whoops, sorry. It is ridiculous though. Why would Ashton be angry if you and Ben are together?”
“She has this motto of hos before bros. I’ve known her my entire life and don’t know what happened, or when, but she has always made that her thing. She’s backed out of important moments in her life to be with me when I needed her. Ashton and the Sullivans have always been my family and I will not do anything to mess that up. If that means I sacrifice whatever feelings I have for Ben, then that’s what I’ll do.”
“Hmmm. I didn’t take you for a martyr.”
“I’m not a martyr.”
“Well, then what do you call it? Selfish?” Laurel squints her eyes at me like she’s trying to figure me out.
“I’m neither a martyr nor am I selfish. Maybe you’d handle things differently but I’m doing what I think is best for all of us.”
“I believe that, Piper. But when it comes to love, isn’t the risk worth the reward?”
That’s all she says before leaving me alone in the kitchen. This has been the strangest day. Breakfast with my ex-boyfriend to get some pseudo apology for sucking at the same title followed up by my … whatever Ben is … ex-girlfriend giving me relationship advice.
Although, some of what she says makes sense. Ben has been patient and he has respected my wishes. He’s given me no reason to distrust him and yet I was quick to assume he was already moving on from me to Laurel in a split second. I let my own insecurities and past dictate how I responded to seeing him with another woman. I don’t want to be that person. As much as I hate the phrase, Laurel may be right. It’s time to piss or get off the pot.
I have a feeling this is going to be a long and strange Thanksgiving.