Chapter Sixteen
May 2016
Lydia spent her first week of not visiting the hospital adjusting to a life almost completely without Theo. She’d already become organised at running the household alone, with all bills neatly filed every month, bank statements checked and put away, shopping lists adhered to and budgets respected. But now, with only the one income for the foreseeable future, she had to get wise about her finances. The mortgage was just about doable on her own, but she’d have to be careful and squirrel away some money each month for emergencies and for travel expenses to see Theo. Once upon a time they’d had a healthy savings account, but an unwise investment on Theo’s part had seen it dwindle to next to nothing. It hadn’t been his fault, not this time, she was sure, but Lydia had asked that they stick to normal bank accounts rather than try to do anything clever again. ‘It’s rubbish interest,’ she’d told Theo, ‘but at least we won’t be losing any capital.’
According to Anita and Grace, Theo had settled in at the care home, the staff were friendly and respectful, the environment clean and calm. But Lydia still wondered how attentive the staff were, whether they acknowledged him the way his family tried to do even though he wasn’t awake. She hadn’t asked Anita anything further about the rehab facility, but every day Lydia crossed her fingers for good news about a place soon. It made her head spin to think of how Theo would react if he were to ever realise he was in a home full of old people, and the thought of the progression to rehab was the only thing that kept her going some days.
At the office, Ian had returned for the day, still buzzing with his new role as a father of three, and when Lydia finally finished the phone interview with the owner of a top hotel in Cumbria for a new feature she was researching, she went into his office.
‘Welcome back,’ she said with a smile.
‘Thanks, Lydia. Come in, shut the door.’ He was shredding papers and trying to get some kind of order to his overflowing desk. Maybe fatherhood did that to you, made you want to get everything shipshape before the new arrival threw too much chaos into the mix.
Lydia wasn’t sure why he wanted a confidential chat. She’d made every deadline and was past her probation period. ‘Is everything okay?’ she asked, worried now.
He finally sat down and exhaled. ‘I should be asking you that.’
‘Why?’
‘Lydia, you know why.’
‘Ah.’
‘You should’ve told me about your situation before. I’m quite an understanding boss.’
She smiled. ‘You are, and I appreciate it, but I won’t take the piss.’
‘I wouldn’t ever suspect you of doing so. You’re a good worker, one of the best. But if you’d told me I could’ve made allowances.’
‘That’s exactly what I didn’t want. When I come in here, I want to forget everything going on out there.’ She nodded to the window that looked out across the city’s shops, filled with chattering mums after the school run, students who wouldn’t have lectures until much later in the day. ‘I didn’t want to be asked how I was. I get enough of that from my own family and friends, so coming in here was a chance for me to be…well, just me.’
Ian nodded contemplatively. ‘I guess I can understand that.’
‘If I’d told you, you never would’ve sent me away to Hertfordshire on an assignment, would you?’
‘Probably not.’
‘Exactly. And that was the first night away for me in a long time, and it was a good night.’
He nodded in agreement. ‘How’s the mother-in-law, so to speak?’
During their conversation at the hospital it had been the best way to refer to Anita and, Lydia supposed, it was almost right. She and Theo weren’t married, but they had been together for a long time and her life was entwined with his family.
‘I haven’t heard much, but she’s home now and Theo is settled. There’s no change, I know she would’ve told me.’ Lydia had sworn she’d barely talk about this again with Ian but tears pricked her eyes. Ever since the kiss with Connor it was as though she’d taken a couple of steps back in how she felt, rather than moving forwards. ‘He’d hate it in the care home. He’d be devastated if he knew where he was.’
Ian sighed. ‘I think we’d all hate it if we were him. But don’t be too hard on his mum.’
‘It’s hard not to be angry with her.’ She shook her head, knowing how unreasonable she was being.
‘I’m not trying to be a know-it-all because I’m a father, but you need to look at it differently. The love your mother-in-law has for Theo is different than your love. It’s a love that’s very often blinkered.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’ Lydia kept trying to think of it that way but it was hard.
‘Are you going up to see him soon?’
‘This weekend.’ She stood up. ‘I mean it when I say I don’t want any special treatment. Don’t hold back on assignments for me, ever. I need them.’ The look he gave her spoke volumes for his understanding. ‘I’d better get on or you’ll have me on a warning for not pulling my weight.’
At the door she stopped. ‘And Ian…could you keep this just between us?’
He nodded. ‘Of course.’
Lydia’s emotions since she’d kissed Connor had been up and down and if her boss knew anything about that night, he hadn’t mentioned it. He was too high on new-baby euphoria to take much notice of anything, and for that Lydia was grateful.
*
Lydia had put the extra hours in on Thursday night and left work at lunchtime on the Friday, only after Ian insisted that it was nothing to do with her circumstances and everything to do with how good a boss he was. The train prices to travel up to the care home in Suffolk were extortionate, so she’d ended up hiring a car instead. Even when you accounted for the fuel and the extra insurance, it worked out a much better deal and the flexibility took away any additional stress. Grace would be around this weekend too, and Lydia knew it would ease the situation. She hadn’t been looking forward to spending time with Anita, but with her daughter there it would dilute any emotions that ran high.
It was late May and longer days were already bringing the promise of summer closer, and the drive from Bath up to Suffolk was a pleasant, albeit long one, with no hold-ups and plenty of sunshine warming her through the windows. She was heading straight for the care home where she’d stay for an hour before driving on to Walberswick, where Anita and Grace would be waiting for her. They’d both seen Theo earlier in the day so she was glad she’d get to see Theo on her own.
Lydia stopped halfway on the journey for a snack and to use the bathroom, and already she knew she wouldn’t be able to do this every weekend. She was beginning to learn that as well as having hope, you had to adopt a certain level of realism in this sort of situation. The journey was tiring, hiring a car was an extra cost on one wage, and then there was the accommodation she’d have to fork out for eventually. She’d agreed to stay at Anita’s home this time, but only because she had an ally in Grace. Next time she’d be booking herself into the nearest bed and breakfast just for the headspace.
Lydia had paid extra for the satnav and was grateful for it as she came off the main roads. She followed the windy lanes, skinny and only willing to let cars past singularly with little pull-in bays at intervals, and eventually the satnav brought her to the care home. She pulled into the car park and for a minute or two she didn’t move. The building was drab, not at all what she’d expected, and little more than an Edwardian house that had obviously been converted. When she stepped out of the car, she hoped the inside would be vastly different and make her glad Theo had been brought here.
It wasn’t. She pushed open the door and it was as though she’d stepped into someone’s home except one that smelt of antiseptic, one that had an underlying aroma of damp or mould, and the sound of disturbed voices she assumed came from residents. And the woman who greeted her looked as though she’d rather be anywhere else than here.
Lydia tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and extended her hand. ‘Hi, I’m Lydia.’
The woman shook her hand but immediately afterwards, Lydia wanted to use the same handwash they’d had at the hospital, because the handshake was warm, clammy and not pleasant.
‘Who are you here to see, love?’ The woman moved slowly over to what Lydia assumed was the main desk with its low lighting and phone obediently sitting on its cradle.
‘I’m here to see Theo Morgan.’
The woman pulled a face until recognition gave way. ‘Ah yes, Theo, our youngest resident.’ She said it as though it was a tremendous accolade. ‘Follow me. I’ll take you to him.’
Anita had told Lydia that Theo was well looked after here, that the staff were checking everything they needed to, that his needs were satisfied, and so Lydia tried to put her initial misgivings aside and followed the woman. At least it was relatively slow-paced in here, compared to the general ward at the hospital with people coming and going all the time. Then again, Lydia wasn’t entirely sure whether that was a good thing or not. The wailing she’d heard when she’d first arrived had stopped and it was definitely quiet. Deathly quiet in fact. Lydia shivered, wondering whether that was too accurate a description and whoever had been making the noise had simply keeled over.
As she followed the woman, whose name she still didn’t know, because she hadn’t been told and she wasn’t wearing a name badge, she wondered how many people came in here and never left again. The thought sent shivers down her spine.
‘Here we are.’ The woman bustled into a room with a cream-painted door in need of a spruce up. But inside, at least the room was clean from what Lydia could see and there was no accompanying unwelcome smell. ‘The lady on shift before me said they’ve turned him so that’s done, and your mother-in-law has been in for a few hours today. Theo had a bit of a mouth ulcer too, but we’ve used special swabs and it should clear up soon. And the flowers your mother-in-law brought in will cheer him up.’
Cheer him up? He couldn’t see the flowers so how could they possibly do that? Lydia would’ve laughed if the reality wasn’t so incomprehensible.
‘Thank you,’ she said, rather than criticising the woman who had at least been informative. Perhaps Anita was right. Maybe, even though the woman hadn’t acknowledged Theo, they were doing a good job of taking care of him. She hated to think of him being turned, poked and prodded like an object rather than a human being. She wondered how many people came by his room when visitors had all gone home.
Lydia gulped back the tears of frustration and moved over to the bed. ‘Hey you.’ She was excited to see him but hesitant too. She’d got used to the hospital environment, she knew what was what, but here, she felt way out of her depth.
She pulled up the chair from beside the window. As she put her hand on his she noticed his nails were clipped neatly, his hair washed and brushed and she smiled at him. He was being looked after, that was all she needed to know. She cleared her throat. Funny, she’d got used to one-sided conversations in the hospital but after a couple of weeks without it, it felt odd again.
She told Theo all about her night out with Sally, minus the part that included Connor, and she talked about how Sally was booking another skiing holiday. ‘She’s asked me to go, but you know me and skiing. We don’t exactly mix.’
Lydia talked more about the intricacies of her job and told Theo about the house. ‘The cupboard you fixed in the kitchen is still on its hinges,’ she said, ‘so you did a good job.’ And after she’d exhausted all topics of conversation she said goodnight to him, said goodbye to the same woman at the front desk and went out to the car.
In a fresh wave of frustration, exhaustion and utter helplessness, she began to cry. Her Theo was getting further and further away and she was powerless to stop it.
*
Anita made her welcome in her home, the spacious, five-bedroomed, handsome red brick house with absolutely nothing out of place except for post that dropped onto the mat or when the dinner plates lined the table after everyone had finished. There was always a faint whiff of furniture polish in the air as though she spritzed each room on a regular basis, just a little in the air to give off a scent. But Lydia had never once seen this place gather a speck of dust. It was almost as though the house was too scared to deviate from the norm.
‘Is your room okay, Lydia?’ Anita finished wiping down the sink after dinner, insisting neither of the girls were to help. ‘I do hope you’ll make yourself at home. Theo would like that.’
Her bedroom for two nights was at the top of the oak staircase, which stretched into a wide landing housing four bedrooms and a sun lounge area. It was framed by a window that allowed maximum sunlight and Lydia and Theo had often hung out there with a glass of wine as they chatted long into the night. Anita’s room was downstairs at the very back of the house and so from his teens onwards Theo had told Lydia this floor was practically an adult-free zone unless they had someone staying with them.
‘It’s lovely, thank you, Anita.’ She smiled at Grace who was running her finger along the bottles of wine in the wine rack, selecting her poison for the night. Over dinner they’d talked about Theo and the care home, although Grace had drawn the line when Anita had begun going into detail about the PEG feeding-tube and how to look after it. They’d been tucking in to chicken casserole at the time and the subject matter had turned Lydia’s stomach too so she’d sent a silent thank you over to Theo’s sister for being frank. Lydia spent the rest of dinner time attempting not to voice her honest opinion about the care home, hoping her doubts on a Friday night when she was tired and thrown out of the norm would be erased when she visited Theo again over the weekend. Perhaps then she may be able to accept that this decision had been the right one.
Lydia nodded to Grace at the offer of a glass of wine. ‘Yes please, I’d love one.’
‘Nice little get-about car you’ve got for the weekend.’ Grace poured two glasses; Anita had declined and disappeared off down the hallway, leaving them to it.
‘It’s not bad. Tiny, but does the job.’ They went into the conservatory to enjoy the evening sunshine as it went down over the Suffolk countryside, and Lydia curled her feet beneath her on the sofa beside the door Grace had opened to enjoy the evening air as she took the sofa opposite. The sun had dropped so much in the sky that the very end of the land was hard to see and everything was bathed in a deep orange glow. ‘How’s work?’ she asked.
‘It’s pretty good. The practice is well established up in Nottingham and I’m able to vary my hours with the other dentists.’
‘That’s great.’
‘And what about you? Any more travel on the horizon?’
Lydia shook her head. ‘Not for now, unfortunately. Sometimes it’s good to get away.’
‘I’ll bet.’ Grace sipped her wine. ‘I read your feature on Jonathan Maynard and the charity event in Hertfordshire.’
‘You did?’
‘I enjoyed it. And Theo was always proud of his journalist girlfriend. As I read it I thought of how impressed he’d be.’
‘He probably would’ve wanted to join in with the ski event.’ Lydia laughed. ‘You know, he pressured me to apply for the job, and I’m glad I did.’
Grace’s smile didn’t last long. ‘I miss him.’
‘Me too.’
Grace lowered her voice even though they’d shut the door behind them when they’d come in here. ‘I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to talk properly until now, but for what it’s worth, I’d have probably sided with you at the hospital.’ The tone of her voice gave away how difficult an admission it was to make.
Lydia turned to face her. ‘Sometimes I feel physically ill that he’s like this. I know how much he’d hate it and if he could speak he’d tell me how ridiculous it was.’
‘Dad thought the same. I mean, it’s his son, but he knows Theo, the sort of man he is. I think if he was here he may have made Mum see sense, but being on the other side of the world I think he backed off.’
‘Is he coming over again soon?’
‘Next week and he’ll be here for a few days. I think he’s staying with some friends near Cambridge but he’ll travel up and down each day to spend time with Theo.’
‘That’s great.’
‘Yes and no,’ Grace grimaced. ‘I’m not sure how he’ll feel seeing Theo in that place. The move to the care home knocked him and me for six,’ Grace confessed.
‘It’s not something I ever wanted to think about either.’
‘I’ve had to let Mum get on with it and not tell her what I really think.’
Lydia could relate to that. ‘I’m hoping it’s better for him than the hospital. I couldn’t stop your mum with this, but she knows I wasn’t fully behind the idea.’ She shook her head. ‘God she must hate me.’
‘She’s angry, she’s grieving, but there’s no hate. I don’t think she’s got any room for that. But the situation is taking its toll on her, and I think it’s the only reason I’ve been keeping my mouth shut.’
‘I can see how hard it is for her.’ It was the reason Lydia wasn’t voicing her opinions either. ‘I wasn’t going to mention anything until after the weekend, Grace, but seeing as we’re talking, what do you think of the care home? I mean, really?’
‘Honestly?’ She took a good swig of wine and swallowed. ‘Fucking terrible. It’s like a morgue in there. Yes they’re keeping him clean and feeding him, making sure his teeth are clean, yada yada yada, but he’d hate it if he knew he was keeping company with people who were almost twice his age, some of them more than that.’
Grace was frank but rarely did she swear and it made Lydia laugh. The laughter was just the release she needed as they chatted on about the sounds in the care home, the smell, the sheer inappropriateness for Theo.
‘What gets me is that Mum didn’t want to wait for the rehab spot to come up,’ said Grace.
‘She wanted him nearby,’ Lydia told her.
‘Yeah, but she’s taken Theo away from you by doing that.’
Lydia contemplated how best to word what she was about to say. ‘I got used to seeing him every day and I want to stand by him no matter what, but it was getting stifling doing the hospital visits. This is harder, by far, because I have to hire a car and take a whole weekend away from home so there’s the time it takes, the petrol money, the accommodation costs I’ll have to pay sooner or later. But with Theo here I’m having an almost normal life.’ She hesitated. ‘That sounds terrible, I know.’
‘I think we often forget what this is doing to you,’ said Grace. ‘I’m not about to make a voodoo doll of you and stick pins in it if I realise you have a life outside of this hellish one with my brother.’
Lydia smiled. ‘In the last month, I’ve actually vegged out and watched some television at night, whereas before I was on autopilot between home, the hospital and work. Any time I had spare, I felt guilty if I didn’t go and see him, talk to him, if it was visiting hours. And I exhausted myself so much that when it was outside those core hours, all I could do was sleep.’
Grace lifted the bottle of wine from the floor where it stood and topped up their glasses. ‘You know you can stay here when you visit, don’t you?’
‘No disrespect, but I’m not sure I could handle your mum on my own. Without you here I’d be in the nearest bed and breakfast.’
Grace shot her a look that spoke of total understanding. ‘Mum’s a neat freak, always has been. Staying with her for a couple of nights now and then is okay, but after that you want to be able to breathe again.’
‘How did Theo ever stand it?’
Grace grinned and they both giggled. ‘Theo has Mum wrapped around his little finger. He always has. He could have the messiest bedroom when he was little and always get away with it in a way I never could. He was and still is the golden-eyed boy.
‘I don’t resent him for it,’ she went on. ‘He was always closer to Mum than I was. I was closer to Dad and then when he left I think I put up a few barriers. I blamed Mum for him leaving, even though it wasn’t her fault. He had an affair, he made his bed. But of course, there’s always more to the story. I didn’t know about the affair for a while and by the time I found out, I think Mum and I had already drifted apart a little. We’re okay now but I still know Theo is closer to her. He’d call her once a week at least, but then you probably know that, and they’d have a good chat. Mum and I don’t talk more than a couple of times a month, and to be honest our time is better when we see each other in person. I don’t know why, it’s just the way it is.’
Theo had never mentioned the difference between his relationship with his parents and Grace’s. It was a whole new side to his life that Lydia didn’t know about. ‘I wonder why he had an affair,’ she said.
Grace nursed her red wine. ‘Do you know about Christopher?’
Lydia shook her head.
‘Christopher was our little brother, or at least he was Theo’s. I never met him because he died right before I was born. He had meningitis.’
‘I never knew.’ Lydia put down her glass. ‘Theo never said a word.’
A look passed between them before Grace carried on. ‘The name Christopher hasn’t been mentioned in this house for as long as I can remember, but I found out the whole story when I was little. I was going through the jewellery phase and like most little girls I wanted to dress in Mum’s clothes and then accessorise. One day I found a locket in the bottom of her underwear drawer – I hope I wasn’t trying on her knickers but I don’t remember now…’ It got a laugh from Lydia. ‘Anyway, I prised open the locket and there were two photographs inside. One was Theo – he’s shockingly very much like his baby photos – but I had no idea who the other was. It was definitely a boy and not Theo. He was sitting upright in the garden with the cheekiest look on his face and clapping his hands together. Of course I went straight to Mum and asked her and I remember the moment even now, so vividly. She’d been wiping down the bench tops in the kitchen, the windows were open and it was a spring day much like this afternoon, with the waft of lavender on the air, the twittering of birds from outside that hadn’t been heard since before winter. Her happy-go-lucky mood disappeared in an instant when I showed her the locket I’d found. But she told me everything there and then.’
‘It must’ve been a shock.’
‘It was. But she’s never spoken to me about it since. I don’t know, sometimes I wonder if her unwillingness to be open with me contributed to me siding with Dad, resenting her in a way.’
‘I’m so sorry, Grace.’
‘It was a long time ago.’ She sipped her wine. ‘Don’t mention to Mum that you know. Maybe Theo never told you because he never wanted her to face questions, I don’t know. Or maybe he wanted to forget about it too. But I think what it did was make him really protective of his mum, from a very early age, and his behaviour never waned into adulthood. They still bickered as all kids do with their parents, but I think he tried to be strong for her and make up for the other little boy who should’ve still been in her life.’
The breeze outside lifted, and as Grace shut the doors to the conservatory and dropped the latch across, Anita knocked on the door.
‘I hope I’m not disturbing you. I wondered whether either of you would like a hot chocolate and perhaps a scone.’
Lydia had fully intended on collapsing into bed early tonight and avoiding further conversation with Anita, but after what she’d heard she didn’t have the gall to do it to the woman, not now. ‘That sounds lovely.’ She looked across at Grace who’d settled onto the sofa by stretching her feet out. ‘Grace? You coming?’
Grace clearly had no intention of joining Anita either, until she picked up on Lydia’s vibe. They both stood up and followed Anita to the kitchen.
‘What time are you seeing Theo tomorrow?’ Anita put three scones into the oven to heat through. Grace was already on hand with preparation for the hot chocolates and warming the milk on the stove.
‘I thought I’d fit in around you.’ Lydia spooned out raspberry jam into one bowl and clotted cream into another. There was no eating from the packet or spooning from cartons in this house. Everything was dispensed into the proper china dishes and had an air of formality that tonight, after what she’d discovered, Lydia didn’t mind quite so much.
‘I usually go in mid-morning,’ said Anita, ‘and stay there a couple of hours and go back some time in the afternoon. I like to talk to him as much as I can, although sometimes I can almost imagine him saying shut up, Mum, you’re boring me to tears.’
Lydia laughed at the most honest and amusing comment Anita had made in a long time. ‘Are the visiting hours flexible?’
‘There are no set times,’ Anita said with a smile, almost convincing Lydia this had been the right thing to do all along for Theo. ‘We can go in any time we like because it’s a home and they want their residents to feel that way.’
It sounded almost as though she was quoting from a brochure and she wasn’t saying it in a gloating way, but Lydia understood the subtext. And it was definitely better for Anita not having to travel far, being able to see her son more and whenever she wanted. He was the son who had lived, and knowing about Christopher somehow made Lydia more lenient with the decisions that had been made along the way.
But Anita’s next comment took Lydia completely by surprise.
‘It was good of you to come all this way to see him.’ Anita took out three side plates and the accompanying knives and spoons, ready to assemble their supper when the scones were ready. ‘I know you have your own life now so I don’t expect to see you all the time. I’ve talked to Theo about it—’
‘You’ve done what?’
‘Oh Mum.’ Grace shook her head but apart from that she stayed out of the conversation. Lydia didn’t blame her.
‘You know how I think it’s best to talk to him,’ Anita went on, ‘to make him a part of what’s going on, so I talked to him about the care home, just in case he can hear me. He knows what’s in his room, he knows I’ve picked fresh flowers, made it his own by lining up a few of his favourite books.’
He can’t fucking read! Lydia wanted to yell. He’s in a damn coma, you stupid woman! She physically bit down on her lower lip as Anita continued.
‘I thought it important to tell him why you wouldn’t be in so often. I’ve explained that you’re in Bath and he’s not far from Walberswick. And I’ve also been saying that you won’t be able to come up much what with your job, the cost of hiring a car every time, not when you have a mortgage to pay for.’
‘I don’t mind the cost.’ Suddenly Lydia wasn’t remotely hungry.
‘No, I know you don’t. But it’s a big commitment and…and…’
‘Come on, spit it out.’
‘Lydia.’ Anita was shocked at the snappiness in Lydia’s tone.
‘What exactly are you getting at?’ Lydia persisted.
The oven timer pinged and Anita pushed her hands into the two red oven mitts hanging loyally from the Aga. She took out the tray and dropped a scone onto each of the three plates. ‘Eat them while they’re hot,’ she said as though they hadn’t been in the middle of something important. ‘There’s raspberry jam and cream too.’ She turned to put the hot tray back on top of the cooker.
‘I know there’s jam and cream, Anita, I spooned them into the little bowls myself.’ Lydia wasn’t going to let this go.
‘Lydia.’ Anita didn’t touch her scone just yet. ‘I know you loved Theo.’
‘Love…I love Theo. There’s an important distinction between the two words.’
Grace put jam on all three scones and topped them with cream.
‘I’m not trying to upset you.’ Anita toyed with her scone but didn’t pick it up. ‘I’m his mother, I nursed him as a baby, I cared for him unconditionally and now it’s my job to see him through this. I can’t expect you to do the same.’
‘He’s not your baby any more. He’s a grown man!’ She wanted to add ‘who you put into a care home of all places’ but Grace grabbed her arm.
‘Lydia, ease off, okay,’ Grace warned.
Anita carried on. ‘All I’m saying is that I don’t expect you to come up all the time. Theo is well looked after and I know life goes on, as they say.’
They ate their scones in silence, every mouthful getting a little bit stuck on its way down, the words hovering between them and Lydia not daring to open her mouth for fear it would land her in more trouble. When they’d finished, Anita cleared the plates and disappeared off to bed without another word about it.
Lydia was about to follow the oak staircase up to her room but Grace stopped her. ‘Lydia, wait a moment, would you?’
She turned to face Theo’s sister.
‘Mum doesn’t mean to make you feel unwanted.’
‘No? Well that’s exactly what she’s doing. She knows best, I know nothing. I feel as though I’m in the way, not welcome in Theo’s life anymore.’
‘That’s not her intention, I know it’s not. And you know she’s right, don’t you?’
‘About what?’
‘You’re in limbo and it’s torture for you. Mum is giving you an out, with her blessing. I don’t fully understand her reasons. I don’t know why she’s not banding together with you, telling you to do this that and the other to help Theo come out of this, even if talking to him and being by his bedside is all you can do. But she’s hurting, going through a mother’s pain that neither you nor I can possibly understand.’
‘I try to understand, I really do Grace.’
‘She’s hurting. She lost Christopher and now, she could lose Theo and it’s scaring her half to death.’
‘You think I’m not scared too?’
Grace put a hand on Lydia’s arm. ‘We’re all scared.’
‘I can’t just walk away.’ Lydia felt a tear slowly trickle down one cheek and then, before she swiped it away, another trickled down her opposite cheek. ‘I already let him down once in that hospital room on the very first day, by not keeping my promise. I should’ve been more intent on telling the doctors what this would be like from Theo’s point of view, that being like this, stuck in that place for who knows how long, would kill him before anything else could. If he does ever wake up…he’ll hate me forever.’ She was tired of everything, drained physically and emotionally. It was as though she was being tested every day, tested to find out what her limits were and how much she could take before she would break.
The look on Grace’s face was caught between one that said he wasn’t going to wake up in all likelihood, and another that said that was exactly how he’d feel. Right now it felt as though the two of them knew Theo better than anyone else in the world, even better than his own mother.
Lydia was still crying. ‘I’ve no idea whether being in the care home is going to help Theo move to the next stage, or whether it’s going to nurture him into being in this state forever more, a life on pause, unrecognisable from the one he had before.’
All Lydia knew right now was that it was up to her to fight to stay in Theo’s life, to make sure she wasn’t pushed aside. Because even if he did wake up and hate her for all of this, she still wanted to be there for him. She owed him that much.