Chapter Twenty-Three
December 2016
Lydia woke at four o’clock in the morning to find Connor had gone, but on the pillow next to hers was a note telling her he’d left because he wasn’t sure how she’d feel when she woke up sober and realised what they’d done. The P.S. had made her laugh because it said that if she needed his services again, purely for her mental health, then he wouldn’t mind being summoned at any time day or night.
Lydia fell asleep again, exhausted, and by the time she woke the sun was streaming in through the gap at the side of the bedroom curtains. In the bathroom she washed her face and made her way downstairs, but before she had a chance to make a cup of tea there was a knock at the front door.
Bleary-eyed still, she opened it to find Connor standing on the other side. She didn’t know what to say to him so stood back and he came inside.
‘Good morning.’ He kissed her on the cheek.
‘Good morning. You’re back so soon.’
‘I figured if you were really upset about last night then you wouldn’t answer the door, and if you answered the door then you must be all right about what happened. Am I right?’
She threw her arms around him and hugged him tight. Different to last night; it wasn’t a move of passion, but a gesture of friendship. ‘We’re good,’ she said.
‘I’m glad you were satisfied with my services.’ He grinned. ‘Any time.’
‘What’s in the bag?’ she asked as he took the lead and went through to the kitchen.
‘Hangover breakfast.’
‘It doesn’t smell very good.’
With a roll of his eyes he told her, ‘That’s because I haven’t cooked anything yet. What, you thought I was bringing you a greasy takeaway breakfast with cardboard hash browns? Actually, that option sounds quite good on an empty stomach, so I’d better get cooking.’
When he pulled out a packet of bacon, fresh tomatoes and mushrooms, a box of eggs and a bottle of HP sauce, Lydia took out the pans he’d need and washed the mushrooms. Between them they had bacon and egg sandwiches whipped up in no time, with a generous dollop of tangy sauce.
‘You’re a top friend, you know,’ said Lydia, her hand in front of her mouth as she devoured the sandwich.
‘The things I have to do in the name of friendship.’ He pretended to look perturbed.
She went to the fridge, took out the juice and poured them both a glass. ‘I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room.’ He made her giggle when he looked beneath the table and behind the door. ‘I’m serious, Connor. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.’
‘You won’t.’
‘Yes, but I feel I pushed you into it.’
‘You did.’
‘Connor, I’m serious. We need to clear this up.’
‘Lydia, it was more you, but it takes two. And if I hadn’t wanted to, I wouldn’t have slept with you. Do you want us to be more than just friends? Do you want to start a relationship?’
Elbows on the table, she rested her forehead in her hands. ‘This is too much for a morning where I’m definitely, one hundred per cent, hungover. All I know is that I don’t want anything to change. Does that make sense?’ She waited for him to pile their empty plates on top of one another. ‘There, I’ve said how I feel. And now I feel terrible.’
‘Don’t.’ He put the top back on the HP Sauce. ‘You know, I don’t think I want anything more either.’
‘You don’t? Why, what’s wrong with me?’
‘I assume you’re teasing.’ He knocked her arm playfully. ‘Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great, you’re great…but I think we were only ever meant to be good friends.’
‘So you had pity sex with me? Pity sex with the poor girl who hasn’t done it in almost a year, the girl who found out her boyfriend cheated on her, the girl whose life is in limbo.’
‘Yeah. Get the violins out.’ He nodded to the offer of a cup of tea and then said, ‘I’ve got an interview for a job in January.’
‘That’s great news.’ She smiled. ‘Where?’
‘It’s for a big veterinary practice near Bristol, just my thing, out in the country.’
‘I’ll keep everything crossed for you.’ She poured water in to the cups and let the teabags steep.
‘Did you call Theo’s mum?’
She took the milk from the fridge. ‘With this hangover?’ She winced when she laughed and it made her head throb. ‘No. I’ll call her later, make an excuse. There’s no way I’m going for Christmas, gathered around preparing turkey and all the trimmings when I know Theo had been lying to me.’
‘Well you can’t be expected to help with Christmas dinner, what with that broken arm of yours.’
‘Stop it. Don’t mess with me, not this morning.’
‘So what’s your excuse going to be?’
‘I was going to Sally’s again this year but Imogen’s persuaded me to go up to Yorkshire and stay at my parents. We haven’t had a family Christmas for a while so it’ll be nice. I’ll be back the day after Boxing Day to work through to when I go to Andorra. I expect I’ll try to see Theo before I go away.’
‘Even after what you know?’
‘Even after what I know. I wouldn’t feel right just not turning up ever again. We have a lot of history together, not all of it bad. Once upon a time we were perfect.’ She thought back to the day in the hotel room when Melanie had claimed she was part of the package, part of the other life Theo had been leading, one he was too ashamed to ever tell Lydia about. Part of her saw it as a feeble excuse to cheat, the other part of her felt sorry for a man who couldn’t defend himself and the accusations flying around. And Lydia knew, however she felt, she had to see him again.
‘You know, I think the trip to Andorra has come at just the right time,’ Lydia told Connor now. ‘After Christmas when the winter really sets in and everyone is beyond fed up, I’ll be able to get away, really get away.’
‘How long are you away for?’
‘Three weeks in total.’
‘Wow, three weeks is a decent time. Ian must have a budget to burn.’ Connor topped up his tea with milk.
‘I requested longer so I could turn it into a holiday as well as a work trip. He changed the return flight at his expense, which was really kind, and I’ve got enough money to pay for the extra accommodation. I won’t be in the plush hotel Ian put me up in, but I don’t care, and it was easy enough to find a room for one. Sad, isn’t it?’
‘No, it’s not sad, it’s what an independent young woman would do.’ He smiled at her and she knew their friendship was intact. ‘Just do me a favour.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Don’t break any limbs skiing,’ he said. ‘Because our friendship only stretches so far and as lovely as you are, I’m not being your nursemaid.’
Lydia clinked her mug of tea against his. ‘Cheers to that. I intend to get very familiar with shops and spas on this trip and the ski slope will merely be a backdrop.’
*
Lydia spent the rest of the lead-up to Christmas getting organised for her trip. She found her ski jacket and had it dry-cleaned, bought a couple of pairs of salopettes because she knew jeans wouldn’t be warm enough, and she planned to shop in the January sales to find a couple of new jumpers.
Christmas in Yorkshire passed by without too much fuss and it was lovely to be with Imogen and her parents. The sisters had giggled at the obvious undercurrent about grandchildren one day and how the house would be much noisier. ‘My boyfriend’s in a coma,’ said Lydia shoving torn up wrapping paper into a box ready for recycling. Their parents were watching an old black and white movie in the lounge. ‘It’s gonna have to be you,’ she said to Imogen.
‘You’re sick, Lydia.’
‘Just trying to make sure the mood isn’t too sombre, that’s all.’ After so long, she was well and truly fed up with the sympathy, the pity, the looks between her parents as they wondered how fragile their daughter was. ‘So…how’s Robbie?’ Robbie was the new boyfriend and Lydia hadn’t seen her sister so enamoured with anyone for years.
‘He’s good.’ She knelt down to help pick up the stray strands of ribbon on the floor. ‘In fact, we’re getting serious.’
‘Are you?’ When Imogen stayed quiet, something her sister rarely did, she asked, ‘Why do I get the impression you’re holding out on me?’
Imogen took a deep breath. ‘Last night, he asked me to marry him.’
Lydia dropped the box and flung her arms around her sister. ‘That’s wonderful news! You hadn’t talked about him in a while, I wondered whether you were even still together. Why have you kept it all so quiet?’ She noticed Imogen’s expression. ‘Don’t tell me, you think because of Theo I won’t be happy for you, is that it?’
Imogen nodded, on the verge of tears. ‘You’ve had a shit year. The love of your life is hanging on by a thread and you have no idea what your future holds, but I do. And it feels wrong.’
‘Listen to me.’ Lydia took both of Imogen’s hands in her own. ‘Don’t you ever apologise for being happy and don’t ever think I can’t handle good news. You always tell me everything and I don’t want that to change.’
‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Okay, so while we’re on the subject. Have you got anything to tell me? You seemed different the moment you arrived yesterday and I can’t work out why.’
Lydia thought she’d done a good job pretending, but there was no fooling her sister that something had changed. ‘Where do I start?’
‘Come on,’ she said, hooking her arm into Lydia’s. ‘Let’s walk to the pub, grab a mulled wine and you can tell me everything.’
In less than fifteen minutes they’d found a table beside the open fire, and settled with a mulled wine each, they began to talk.
‘I still can’t believe he was cheating on you,’ said Imogen when Lydia had told her everything. ‘I knew something was up when I asked you about London. It was as though you were putting on a brave face. I thought it was the emotion of knowing Theo booked the hotel for you but wasn’t there to share the experience.’ She shook her head. ‘If I’d been with you I’d have smacked that Melanie in the face!’
‘It’s not her I’m angry at.’
‘Why not? She made a play for another girl’s boyfriend. Unforgiveable in my book.’
‘She’d never met me, she had no idea what I was like and she must’ve thought Theo was going to end it. He must’ve given her that impression.’
‘Do you think there’s any way he changed his mind about her? You said things between you were much better.’
‘I guess we’ll never know.’
‘Hang on a minute. You seem pretty upbeat for someone who’s found out all of that. Come on, there’s something you’re not telling me.’ She clapped a hand across her mouth. ‘You’ve met someone else!’
‘In a manner of speaking. Do you remember me telling you about Connor?’
‘Of course I do. And he’s appeared on my Facebook suggested friends list, he’s a good-looking guy! Him?’
‘Kind of.’
‘Either it’s him or it’s not, Lydia.’
‘We’re not together, we’re just friends. But, he may have broken my spell of not having sex since December last year.’ She lowered her voice rather than telling the whole pub her news.
Of course Imogen wanted to know everything and Lydia told her how it was her who’d made the move, how it had been passionate but almost a kind of love you only got with a friend who you trusted more than anyone else in the world.
‘I want to meet this Connor one day and shake his hand,’ said Imogen, ‘because anyone who can make my sister look happy after so long deserves a medal. Regardless of Theo and what went on behind your back, I can see Connor was what you needed at the time.’ Lydia started to giggle. ‘What?’
‘Could you imagine if I told Mum I had sex but it was only friends with benefits?’
‘I don’t know, she’s more open-minded than you think.’ Imogen knocked back the rest of the mulled wine and they pulled on their jumpers, preparing to go back to the house for the Christmas pudding they’d all been too full to eat earlier. She began to laugh. ‘Actually, on second thoughts, she’d probably faint on the spot so let’s just keep this to ourselves.’
‘You’re on. But you know what we can tell her that will make her really, really happy?’ She linked arms with Imogen as they met the frosty air outside. ‘Your news. She’ll be whipping out her knitting needles to make baby clothes before you’ve even shown her the ring.’
*
Lydia was surprisingly chirpy as she drove the familiar journey up to Suffolk and let the satnav take her to the new location of the rehab facility. It was the day before New Year’s Eve and since Imogen had shared her news it’d been nothing but wedding talk. Lydia was going to be bridesmaid along with two of Imogen’s friends and they’d each have the same style dress but in different colours. Her parents were over the moon, of course, and not once had Lydia felt jealous. This was her younger sister’s moment and one she wanted to enjoy with her.
Lydia pulled into the car park at the rehab centre and was relieved there was no sign of Anita’s car. She hadn’t called Anita this time because she didn’t want Anita to suggest they meet or talk, or do anything. Anita hadn’t been in touch lately anyway, and although at first Lydia had felt cast aside and pushed out, part of her had been relieved.
The rehab facility was housed in a beautiful old building but nothing inside was anything other than new. It smelt clean, different to the care home, and the lounge she passed had visitors and residents of varying ages, from teens up to a man who looked to be in his fifties. It had been a long time coming, but Lydia was glad for Anita and Theo that he was out of that other place where he could’ve stagnated for years. Here, the members of staff were chirpier and missing the tired aura that came the second you asked them a question.
She was shown along a bright corridor filled with natural light despite the winter season and she chatted to the nurse about the gardens they had here, the free visiting hours, but she didn’t ask any specifics about Theo. All she wanted to do was get in to see him and escape before she had to bump into Anita.
She opened the door to what could easily have been Theo’s own room in his own place. The duvet on the bed was black and grey – man colours – there was a stack of books on the shelf above an ornate fireplace that housed deep red blooms. And the window looked out over the car park and the gardens, which stretched out to either side of the building.
Alone with him in his room, she sat by his bed for a long time. She didn’t talk. This time she didn’t stroke his face, she didn’t hold onto his hand and there weren’t tears in her eyes. But also there wasn’t the bitterness she’d felt since the night at the hotel, the anger, the resentment at the lies he’d told. She spent some time looking out of the window, out over the manicured lawns still twinkling with the frost that had melted into moisture.
When a nurse came in to check Theo’s vitals, Lydia asked, ‘How’s he doing?’
‘I’m only temporary, love. I’m sorry. This place usually runs like clockwork but with the season comes the dreaded flu and a lot of the regular staff have been unwell. We can’t pass it on to the patients, see.’
‘I understand that.’ She should’ve asked the woman who’d shown her up here but at the time she’d just wanted to see Theo. She’d planned to say the words ‘I know your secret’, but it didn’t feel fair now, not when he was so helpless.
Apparently Theo had faced a barrage of tests since his arrival here and the tests were ongoing, but Lydia didn’t need more details. She was having trouble coping with the information already churning round in her head.
The nurse wrote something down on a chart fixed to the clipboard she was holding. ‘I can get another nurse to come in and talk to you if you’d like.’
‘No, it’s fine.’ She dismissed the suggestion. ‘I can ask his mum.’
‘Oh I met Anita yesterday, she’s a lovely lady. You must be Lydia. She talked about you. How’s your arm?’
Lydia almost asked what the nurse meant but remembered the story she’d given Anita. ‘It’s much better now, thank you.’
When the nurse left the room, Lydia watched Theo. His eyes had been open when she first came into the room and he’d made a groaning sound, but she knew it didn’t mean much. And now, his eyes were shut again. She kissed him on the lips. He made a faint murmuring sound that Lydia had heard many times before.
Her voice shook as she said, ‘Goodbye, Theo.’ She squeezed his hand and got nothing back.
And maybe it was the absence of a reaction rather than an iron will that helped Lydia to turn around and walk out of that room, away from the rehab facility, back home to carry on with her own life.