Chapter 12

JUDICIAL RESTRAINT

LUCY

“Lucy,” Jenner whispered, gently shaking me awake. The yellow lights from the parking garage shone through the windshield. “We’re at the hotel.”

“Oh my goodness. I’m sorry. I fell asleep,” I said, peeling my eyelids apart.

“Please don’t apologize. I know you’re tired.”

Jenner rested his hand comfortably at the small of my back. I wanted more than anything to invite him to my room, but I knew what his response would be. No sense going through the agony again.

“Thank you for staying tonight.”

“Lucy. I was your ride. I wasn’t going to leave you.”

Those obligatory words didn’t offer much comfort.

Silence always seemed to find its way between us, this time it was in the elevator. This undeniable connection between us really had no explanation. Jenner was right. We didn’t even know each other. Not really. So why was it so hard to accept the impossibility of our situation? Why couldn’t we just say goodbye and mean it? I was too emotionally exhausted at this point to try to sort it all out.

Once we made it to my room, he used my key card to open the door and then followed me inside. I stood watching as he turned down the bed.

I knew what I was about to ask was unfair. Stupid in fact. But I didn’t care.

“You’ll stay with me?” I asked, knowing I was pressuring him. Hating myself for it.

I saw his eyes close and heard his heavy exhale. “Is that what you want, Lucy?”

Feeling his resilience fade, I quietly whispered, “Please. Just for tonight. Hold me.”

Neither of us spoke after that. He stripped down to his boxer briefs. I stripped down too, more uncomfortable now than I had been before with him. This was different than after the club that night. I didn’t know him then…there were no expectations. But everything changed after that fateful day in court. I grabbed the white undershirt he’d taken off and slid it over my head before taking off my bra.

He lifted the covers for me, and when I crawled in, I scooted until my back was against his chest. His body swallowed mine as he draped a leg over me and wrapped one arm around my ribs, tucking me snuggly to him. This was a first for me. I’d never slept in bed with a man. I expected to feel claustrophobic, instead I felt blanketed in safety.

“One night,” he whispered. “One night. Sleep tight, Little Miss.”

I smiled to myself. I’d take one night. I think…

***

I knew before I fell asleep that he’d be gone when I woke up…and he was. A handwritten note rested on the nightstand. He wouldn’t text but he was the king of handwritten notes.

 

L- You have no idea the super hero strength it required to lay next to you for even a short night and not touch you. 317-743-9917—this is the number to Dr. Shu. He’s taken over your grandfather’s case. I spoke to him this morning. Mr. Walker did well overnight. Doctor is expecting your call. If you don’t mind texting me to let me know if you’re doing okay, I’d appreciate it. J

 

I fell back onto the bed. Damn that man…I didn’t know much about Jenner Weber—but there were a few things I was sure of. We were in for one hell of a battle. I’d worked my entire life to earn my law degree, so I could do what I’d dreamed of, to protect as many children as I could. Yet, one man stood in the way of that—he wasn’t just a judge; he was the man I had fallen for. Hard.

***

I saw no sign of Jenner the entire day. The doctor who had miraculously been assigned to Pops’ case was texting me updates. Very unconventional. My guess was Jenner had a hand in my preferential treatment. My phone buzzed during my afternoon session, and this time it was Jenner.

 

I’m hoping you are awake by now. And I’m hoping that you haven’t been trapped under something heavy preventing you from texting. #ihatetexting

 

I grinned at his hashtag, glancing up at the dull PowerPoint presentation then back to my phone. Hope slid a sheet of paper in my direction. I texted him back:

 

I made it to my 9 am session! #notaslacker #thenwhydidyoutellmetotext

 

I giggled to myself then read what Hope had written.

 

We are meeting the judges and attorneys tonight. We saw them at breakfast before you came down. Just FYI.

 

I assumed by judges she meant Jenner? I hand wrote back:

 

By judges, you mean the ones from last night? Why?

 

My phone buzzed again. Jenner.

 

I’ve taken judicial notice of your work ethic, Miss. Edwards. I’m not sure of your sleeping patterns or your personal leave usage so the verdict is still out on the slacking part. I asked you to text because I was interested in knowing how your grandfather was doing. #iamacaringman

 

Hope shoved the paper back my way. But, I responded to Jenner first.

 

Caring man? You sent a child home to a mother that’s going to hurt her. Kidding. Sort of. Pops is doing ok. Keeping him another day. Going by after conference today. #whenyoucareyouaresupposedtoshowit

 

I grabbed the paper from Hope.

 

Yes those judges. The one you work for is freaking hot. Since you can’t fuck him, set us up.

 

My heart sunk as I watched her scratch out the words, then wink at me. In the mean time, my phone buzzed from the man she wanted to fuck.

 

Yes, I spoke to Dr. Shu. Need a ride? #seehowcaring

 

Let me get this straight, Your Honor. You can violate federal HIPAA laws by talking to a friend about my grandfather but you must not violate your judicial code??? #youcantpickandchoose

 

My phone buzzed almost immediately.

 

Delete your texts and this will be discussed later #ihatetextingx2

 

I bit down on my lip as the fear of teasing gone too far weighed on me. And I only felt worse when I glanced at the paper Hope and I had been exchanging messages on. He wasn’t even mine, but the thought of someone else having him made my stomach churn.

***

The strong smell of disinfectant and bleach whirled through my nose as I sat in Pops’ room where he had slept soundly for the past two hours. To me, he seemed frailer than before. Even weaker than when I last saw him at the home. The skin on his bruised hands was loose…thin. As I rubbed over the bruised skin with my fingers, I thought about the countless times those hands had fixed me up with his first aid kit. After the court placed me with Pops, he went far above what was necessary to make me feel loved and protected. I always wanted to do the same when our roles were reversed.

When I went off to college, Hank moved in with Pops full time. Maggie, Hank’s wife, had died years earlier too. Pop and Hank had worked together in the fields and in the garden keeping the farm running smoothly until two years ago. Pops always had big, calloused, muscular hands—true farm hands. And as I dragged my fingertips over the backs of them, it struck me how only a shell of those hands remained.

I lay back in the chair, closed my eyes and thought about Pops’ hand gripping Jenner’s in a firm handshake. The reality of Pops ever seeing me with any man was slim but God, how I would love that.

“Hey. Little Miss. Wake up.”

When my eyelids pulled apart, Hank stood over me, shaking my shoulder. My eyes immediately fell onto Pops. He was sitting upright staring at the TV. Anxiously, I stared up at Hank. The frown on his face was all I needed.

“Go back to your hotel and get some sleep. It’s after nine.”

“Nine!” I shot upright. I’d slept for nearly four hours. Who sleeps for four hours, especially in a hospital?

“I’ll call you if we need you,” he smiled, leaning in for a hug.

Feeling his arms was almost as good as Pops’ arms.

***

I went straight to the bar that Hope and Bethany had texted about. It was on the opposite side of the hotel in an area that wasn’t as busy. The last text from the girls certainly got my attention. Your judge is sexy af. Walking from the subway to the bar, I looked down at my sweat shorts and Cubs long-sleeved shirt. I must look like an idiot out in shorts at almost ten at night this close to winter. I seriously didn’t care what I looked like. Even after my mid-evening nap, I felt exhausted. If I went to the hotel room to change, I’d crash again. I had no doubt. And, I wasn’t about to leave Jenner alone with Hope.

The bar was loud, and Kurt was the first one to see me as he eagerly waved me over. I was under dressed to say the least. Some guys were in ties, some in sport coats, but no one had on sweat shorts, least of all the girls who were dressed in heels similar to my attire that first night I met Jenner in the club. I caught a glimpse of my gray Nikes in a mirror as I walked to their table. Kurt wasn’t the only one watching me walk across the bar; it seemed all eyes followed me to the table, as my clothing screamed outsider.

“Damn, Luce. You dressed up for us,” Bethany laughed.

“Clearly. I came straight from the hospital.”

“How’s your grandpa?”

I nodded. “He’s doing ok. Where is everyone?” And by everyone, I meant Jenner.

“Hope and Judge Weber are over playing shuffle board. Kurt and I were playing pool, but we lost to those two douche bags.” Matt and Advaith grinned.

I plopped my booty up on a bar chair where I could creep on Jenner and Hope with my peripheral vision. They looked like they were a team playing another couple. My heart sunk a bit.

Kurt slid a dirty martini my way. “I remembered,” he said, tapping his temple.

“Thank you,” I smiled.

“I was wondering if we could chat about a case,” he asked.

“Of course. What’s up?” I loved talking about cases. I loved the thought of helping a child. You know how a parent loves their child before they even meet them? That was me—saving them, helping them. That’s what I was born to do. Funny how I wanted none of my own.

“It’s a case you filed about thirty days ago. The parents hired me as counsel.”

“Oh, cool. Which one?”

“Hunting. Jeff Hunting.”

“Three year old. Yes, I remember. He was found at 2 am in a local market. No parent. No shoes.”

Kurt sipped his drink. “Allegedly.”

“Allegedly, my ass,” I laughed. “I’ve got witnesses and police statements.”

My martini was going down smoothly…and quickly.

“Fair enough. I was going to see if you would be open to doing an Order of Informal Supervision. These parents want to comply.”

“HA!” I laughed. “They were high on meth, Kurt. Do you know what meth does? It makes you not responsible enough to care for your children. Hence the middle of the night trip for the toddler to the grocery market.”

He nodded. “I agree. But the child was in foster care for seven days. They’ve learned their lesson.”

Eating my green olive, I chewed on what he said. I wasn’t sure selfish parents like that could learn a lesson.

“I suppose if you buy me another drink, we could discuss conditions,” I winked playfully.

“Done.”

Halfway through my second martini, Hope and Jenner came back to the table. Even though Kurt was talking, I watched her touch Jenner’s bicep through his polo.

“I tell you what.” I tried to focus on Kurt. “You have both parents get a drug and alcohol assessment, submit to UA’s, and allow Family Preservation into their home, and I’ll be much more willing to consider it.”

Kurt leaned in close to me. “Deal. I can think of a few other conditions we could tie in.” He slid a cocktail napkin toward me. He’d written in black ink:

 

Love your brains. Love your body more. 516-244-7911

 

I glanced up at him with raised brows, not knowing how to respond to that. How did we go from attorney/attorney conversation to him liking my body?

“Hey girlie. How’s your grandpa?” Hope asked.

I nodded. “He’s doing ok. How are you?”

“I’m good.” Hope held up her index finger and thumb measuring about an inch. “I’m a wee bit drunk,” she whispered. “Still hoping to score with the hot judge.”

I smiled…on the outside.

“Oh my!” she squealed. “Who gave you their number?” Hope snatched the napkin waving it in the air.

My eyes darted to Kurt, then to Jenner. His glossy eyes stared past me at Kurt. When Kurt’s phone started ringing on the table, he grabbed it quickly but it was too late.

“Ah, ha!” Hope shouted. “Kurt likes Lucy.” Then she tossed the napkin back onto the table.

Kurt’s face turned five shades of red. Mine probably matched his. Advaith and Matt nudged him, laughing. I tried not to look at him, hoping not to make it worse. He finally walked over to the bar with his friends. When Hope excused herself to go to the restroom, my eyes flickered to Jenner’s. His fingers deftly pulled the napkin with Kurt’s message written on it, toward him. With his eyes still on mine, he crumpled up the napkin into his fist. Then he shoved it into a long neck beer bottle on the table.

“I don’t know what that means. Is that a jealousy thing? Is that an ‘I don’t want you talking to him’ thing? Everything you do contradicts what you say.”

It seemed every day we took one step forward and two steps back. I couldn’t keep up with him. With his moods.

“You look adorable,” he said softly.

“Adorable?” I repeated.

“Well, Judge,” Hope said playfully as she plopped up next to him. “You already said you don’t text. I’m wondering your thoughts on walking me back to the hotel.”

Jenner sloshed around what little liquid was left his in tumbler and said something quietly to just her. I couldn’t make it out, but she smiled at me. An uneasy feeling rooted in the pit of my stomach.

They both stood. No way. He wasn’t going with her. He wouldn’t do that. But then he looked at me and shook his head. Shook his head? What did that mean? My heart accelerated. Kurt came back to the table and whispered in my ear.

“Sorry about that.”

I acknowledged his words with a nod, not making it a big deal. I couldn’t drag my eyes away from Jenner. I was completely over stimulated not knowing which way to turn or who to pay attention to.

Hope leaned into my other ear. “I think if you didn’t work for him, he’d be fucking you tonight.”

I giggled uncomfortably, wondering why she said that. The only person I wanted near my ears was going to walk out with my friend. Bethany tapped my hand.

“I think I may leave too. I’m sorry. We’ve been here longer than you and I’ve had enough.”

“I get it. Totally ok. I’ll walk out with you. I’m exhausted anyway.”

By the time I turned back around, Hope and Jenner were gone. Panicked, I texted him.

 

Please don’t…

 

That was all I sent. Bethany and I waited for her tab because Kurt had bought every drink of mine. As she got her credit card out, I turned to him.

“I’m sorry about that. I think I was so stunned that I didn’t think to pick the napkin up. I really am sorry.”

He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have written that anyway. I stand by it, but I shouldn’t have written it.” His shy smile made me feel better.

“I just don’t want to mix any sort of business with pleasure, ok?”

Sliding his sport coat on, he wrapped an arm around me. “If I hadn’t drank so much, I never would have had the courage to write it. I agree with what you’re saying.”

We stepped out the door to find Jenner and Hope sitting on a bench just outside the pub. They both glanced at us, Kurt’s arm still over my shoulders. Jenner’s eyebrows rose, but I didn’t acknowledge him. Advaith and Matt walked ahead of Bethany, Kurt and me. And as we got closer to the hotel, I glanced back to see if either Hope or Jenner had followed. They hadn’t.

Inside the hotel, I hugged Kurt.

“If I don’t see you at the conference tomorrow, I’ll see you in court,” I laughed, feeling the full effect of the martinis in my head. “Bye guys,” I said to Advaith and Matt.

Bethany and I rode the elevator up. She got off on the seventh floor. I rode up to the sixteenth, staring at the blank screen beneath the text I’d sent to him. He hadn’t responded. I prayed for bubbles to appear, but nothing. I closed my eyes until the elevator dinged.

After undressing in my room, I slid Jenner’s t-shirt from last night over my head. The fabric had absorbed his masculine, torturous smell. I allowed a few tears to fall. For just a second, I would give into my sorrow. Tears for Pops and tears for Jenner. I didn’t cry often, but sometimes a good release was necessary. My phone dinged, shaking me out of my melancholy, and I rushed to read the text. Dr. Shu. Not the man I wanted to hear from.

 

Lucy. Your grandfather is doing better. I would like to speak with you when you have time tomorrow. Let me know what works for you.

 

I texted back right away.

 

I can call you now. Is something wrong?

 

Don’t be silly. I’d have called you if something were wrong. I’d like to converse about his current care and other options.

 

Something inside of me cracked as the damn burst. Couldn’t I catch a break? The moment I’d dreaded for the past couple of years was crashing in on me. A full care facility in the city. I liked the place closer to the farm. Our roles had reversed—I had been the caretaker of my caretaker. And with my career and with Hank’s age, I always knew we were on borrowed time. I just thought it would be longer. I lay on the bed trying to decide what to text back as tears spilled onto the cotton sheets.

The knock at the door startled me. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts about Pops that for a few minutes, I’d actually forgotten about Jenner. I peeked out the peephole. Jenner rested against the doorframe with his head down. For a short second, I contemplated not opening the door. I didn’t need this right now. But before I could change my mind, the door was open.

“You’re crying.”

It wasn’t a question, more of a statement. I tried to close the door, but he stopped it with his foot.

“Tell me,” he instructed. “Why are you crying?”

Sometimes, he could be completely emotionless. I looked at the clock, trying to determine if it was feasible for him to have bedded Hope.

“Were you with her?”

“Is that why you’re upset? Because of Hope?” His voice rose in shock.

Defeated and well aware that he hadn’t answered my question, I handed him my phone, showing him the conversation with Dr. Shu. At the same time, his phone rang, and he turned away to answer it. My thoughts flashed back to that night not so long ago when we had once before been interrupted by his phone.

“What’s up?” he answered.

“Yes. I’m with her now.” He paused as his drunken eyes bore into me. “Thank you.”

“Are the tears because of your grandfather?”

I tossed my phone onto the bed. “Who was that?”

“Dr. Shu. He thought you might be upset.”

Jenner seemed to cover all his bases well. “I know that we aren’t supposed to…I mean that it’s unethical and well, you can with Hope, and I didn’t know if…”

All I wanted to hear was that he wanted me, but something inside of me knew those words wouldn’t come. His career meant more to him. And, that was ok. Mine did too. I think. Why would he risk everything for a woman he barely knew? His father was a freaking Supreme Court Justice…the most powerful judge in the United States. My father was in prison.

I never really finished my statement. His alcohol-induced gaze took in all of me from head to toe. And as if dismissing a thought, he shook his head and took two deliberate steps toward me. His hands raked over my skin, through my hair until his fingers wrapped around my neck and pulled me into him. I kept my eyes open until our lips met.