Chapter Eleven
JEREMY
March 2017
“It wasn’t that bad.”
I glance over to where Charlie sits, fuming, in the seat next to mine. Malory is at the wheel and navigating us through traffic after our first practice with the kiddos, and to say Charlie was bit out of her element is an understatement.
“Fuck off, Jeremy,” she bites at me, her face practically glued to the window as she stares out at the city passing us by.
When I bark out a laugh, she turns and glares.
“Oh, come on,” I say, trying to get her to loosen up a bit. “So, you could maybe brush up on your terminology or something. But those kids? They’re looking for a reason to be pissed off at someone. You just happened to be their target today.”
“Well, I don’t know if acting as target practice is a good idea for me.” And then she’s back to facing the window.
I take her in where she sits next to me, her chestnut hair tied back in one French braid that drops down to just past her shoulders. She normally wears her hair down, except when she’s in her adorable scrubs, but I love when she pulls it back off of her neck. So sexy.
I clear my throat and shift in my seat.
This is the time to be convincing her to keep helping me, not getting turned on from looking at her neck.
“Charlie, I’d be happy to tutor you on basketball so you don’t feel so lost next week.”
Her stiff posture relaxes slightly and she turns towards me.
“No, thanks. I’ll just – figure it out myself. I mean, I might not be in to sports, but I’m smart. How hard can it be to do a quick refresher?”
I laugh again. “Is that what we’re gonna call it? I’m pretty sure it’s only a refresher if you need a refresh on things you already understand. You need a Basketball 101 class.”
She lets out a tiny laugh and lets out a sigh.
“It’ll be better next week, okay?”
She nods then sits back in her seat, finally getting comfortable.
“Hey, where are we going?” she asks.
“I’m gonna take you to dinner to say thank you for helping,” I reply, my eyes peeking at her, trying to maintain the picture of nonchalance.
“Were you going to tell me you were taking me to dinner at any point?”
I shrug. “Would you have said yes if I had?”
Her silence answers my question.
A few minutes pass.
“So, what are we eating?”
I smile. “Burgers.”
* * * * *
Fifteen minutes later, we’re seated in a red and white booth at the In-N-Out Burger near Charlie and Rachel’s apartment, noshing on the best burgers in the world. And Charlie doesn’t disappoint. I’ve seen her eat a handful of times, and she always puts away enough to feed a linebacker. Where does she put it?
“You’re staring.”
“Yeah, well, you’re easy to stare at,” I reply, chomping into my Double-Double.
She rolls her eyes.
“I don’t know why you’re making that face, pretty girl. You know I think you’re gorgeous.”
She smiles a little but it doesn’t quite meet her eyes
“So tell me,” she says, pushing her fries and burger off to the side only three-quarters eaten. I know it must be serious if she’s pushing her food away to say something. “Why did you ask me to be a part of this little basketball thing when I know nothing about sports. And be honest. I hate this bullshit about asking me because I am the only person who knows about the DUI. I think that’s ridiculous and you’re a fool if you think I’ll believe it.”
I swallow, the bite of burger I just took falling fast and hard like a rock into the pit of my stomach.
Well go ahead and just call me out on it, then.
I wipe my mouth and let out a small, embarrassed chuckle.
“That obvious, huh?”
She nods.
“Okay, well…” I scratch the back of my head and then lean forward, resting my elbows on the table. “If I am completely, 100% honest, no filter… it’s because I wanted to spend time with you. I always want to spend time with you. I’ve always wanted to spend time with you. And this felt like a good enough excuse.”
She watches me, and I can tell by her expression that she’s unconvinced.
“What do you want me to say, Charlie? That I regret how things started and stopped with us so quickly? You have to know it’s because I didn’t want to hurt Rachel. She told me you two have talked about it – quite a few times, in fact. It shouldn’t be a shock that she told me you were off limits back then. She didn’t want my dick to potentially ruin things. She just didn’t know when she told me that we had already gone out.”
She looks down at her hands, where she’s tearing a napkin apart on the table.
“You can’t expect me to believe that if RJ hadn’t said anything to you that we would have gone on more dates, Jeremy. I knew what I was getting myself into with you, and I got exactly what I originally thought I would get. The only reason I was hurt at the end was because you’d said things that had me believing we would be going on more dates and spending more time together. But I knew enough about you to know that wasn’t ever going to be true.”
She trails off and I clench my hands in fists, frustrated that I’ve never been able to tell her what that period of time was like, that I was more interested in her than I’d ever been in anyone. That I still am.
“Is it that shocking to you that I would want more from you?”
She stares at me blankly, not letting anything away.
“Charlie, I did want to continue things. There’s no reason for me to blow smoke up your ass about that, okay? I did. And I always regretted that I didn’t just tell Rachel that I was interested in you. It’s not like she would have never spoken to me again. I’m her brother and her favorite person ever.”
She rolls her eyes.
“But if I’m honest? Again, brutally honest?” I say, knowing I might be shooting myself in the foot. “I don’t know if it would have been a good idea. Back then… well, back then, maybe I wasn’t ready. For you, I mean. You’re this amazing, thoughtful person who always puts other people first, and I was this selfish guy who just wanted to get laid all the time.”
She lets out a humorless chuckle.
“And I’m not talking about you when I say that. Yes, that night was amazing. Am I going to tell you it was the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life? No. I’m not. Because that would be a lie, and I’m done lying about anything with you.”
Her mouth drops open and she looks equal parts shocked and offended.
“But I’m not telling you that because it was bad. It was amazing. It was absolutely fucking amazing. And I can tell you right now, it was absolutely the most meaningful night I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt like that before, and I haven’t come even close to feeling like that since. I can’t tell you why. I can’t tell you what was so amazing about that night except for the fact it was with you.”
I take a breath and pause, because Charlie looks so startled.
And upset.
Wait, I didn’t mean to upset her. I just wanted to be honest.
“So like I said, I regret calling things off, but I wonder if it was for the best. It gave me a chance to grow up a little bit. See what it was like without you, and really narrow things down so I knew what I was doing. Because back then? I didn’t have a clue. I just knew I had to keep away from you. So I did. But I don’t feel like that anymore, Charlie.”
I reach over and take her hands.
“I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
She stares where my hands are over hers, her eyes glassy. She doesn’t say anything for so long, I worry what’s going through her mind.
“So, I’m supposed to jump at the chance to be with you now that you’ve gotten everything out of your system?”
I’m startled by her words and I squeeze her hands as she tries to pull them away.
“Charlie… that’s not what I’m trying to say, here. At all.”
But she’s shaking her head, and I know that whatever part of her wants to believe me is being strangled by the part of her that thinks I’m an ass. That knows I’m an ass.
“You have no idea what everything you just said is doing to me right now,” she says. “I think you think your words are going to have this swoon effect where I just crumble because hooray you finally decided it was time to put your dick away and go after something meaningful. But what about how that makes me feel, huh? To know that you’ve spent years caring about me and wanting me and doing nothing about it? I couldn’t have been that important. Definitely not to the level that you think we should magically be together like nothing ever happened.”
She wipes a hand at a lone tear streaking her cheek.
“And I hate to break it to you, Jeremy, but I don’t want to have a relationship that’s on the whim of your feelings, because – no offense – it seems like those are as consistent and reliable as the weatherman. Your feelings blow you all over the place, and I don’t want to be involved in that storm. I have enough bullshit going on in my own life and don’t need to worry constantly whether you’re feeling in love with me today or not. Love isn’t a feeling – it’s a verb. It’s an action word, Jeremy. It’s something you do, not how you feel. And you have literally done nothing to show me that you have anything for me other than feelings that will sway wherever the wind blows you.”
She chuckles humorlessly again, the self-deprecation in her voice clear.
“And you want me to believe you’ve grown up, or changed so much since you were a senior in college? How’s that?”
She lifts a finger to start counting.
“There’s the fact that I’ve seen you hooking up with girls at least three times since the fall, all different people. And that’s just the times when I was at the parties or bars where you were.”
She lifts a second finger and I feel my cheeks heat.
“There’s the fact that you’ve been nursing your problems with alcohol and got arrested.”
She lifts another one.
“There’s the whole drama with RJ and her boyfriend, who you manipulated by threatening his job.”
She finally puts her hands down, and her face relaxes slightly.
“I’m not trying to be a bitch, Jeremy. I’m just pointing out very obvious things that point to a strong possibility that you still have quite a bit of growing up to do.”
It’s clear she’s finished now, because she picks up her burger and practically shoves the entire thing in her face.
I’d want to laugh if I didn’t feel so gutted.
What was I thinking by sharing all of that shit with her? That she’d realize I was worthy of her? That she’d fall into my arms, like she said I was hoping for?
I’d never even thought about how she might react, so sure things would work out the way I envisioned. It’s exactly what did when I had her pick me up from the police station. And then what I did again when I pushed her into helping me with the basketball team.
God, how fucking self-absorbed have I been?
“Charlie…” I start, but I’m not sure what to say.
“Look, Jeremy,” she pauses and wipes her face with a napkin. “What I said in the car? About you needing to look to the people who love you for help? I really did mean that. And even though things have always been weird between us, you’ve been this peripheral part of my life since I met RJ. You’re important, and I don’t know if that will ever change. I do want to be helpful, in whatever way I can.”
She grabs her bag and sets it in her lap, looping her hands through the strap like it is the only shield she has from me.
Gotta be honest. It feels like shit to see that.
“I will always be here for you. But as a friend. I just can’t see us being anything more than that, okay? It’s not because I don’t care for you. I just feel like we have very different ideas of what relationships should look like.”
She lets out a sigh and stretches out her neck.
“I spent… god, years doing things the wrong way. But over the summer, I realized that if I wanted something more than the shitty guys I was screwing around with, I had to stop screwing around with shitty guys.”
She shrugs.
“But I didn’t get there overnight, you know? First, it took a few months of going out and not going home with someone. It took reminding myself that what I actually wanted would take time to nurture, and grow, and isn’t likely to happen because someone bought me some drinks and we fucked in his car.”
I swallow down the bitterness I get at that picture.
“I started focusing more on the things that matter to me. I started doing the things that I love, and focusing more on school and my career. And you know what? I’ve only been on two dates since getting back from summer. But they were good dates, even though they didn’t end in getting into a relationship. And you know why? Because I learned something from them. I’ve never slept with a guy and then felt like I learned something other than what I do or don’t like in bed. But everything we do in life should teach us something, and I decided I wanted to have relationships that challenge me to grow and be a better person. And Jeremy, as wonderful as you are, you’re just not there.”
I rub my face, scratch my head, anything to give me a reprieve from looking at those eyes of her that look so betrayed. She’s still so hurt by how I treated her. How I’ve continued to treat her.
“I can’t help that I’ve been focused on this over the past 8 months and you’ve been doing the same old thing. How am I supposed to believe that you’ve been pining for me when you’re still screwing people and…”
“I’m not.”
She pauses.
“It’s been almost 6 months, Charlie. I haven’t been able to think about anyone but you.”
She leans back in her chair, taking my words in. Digesting them.
“And I know you’re gonna think I’m full of shit – and who knows, maybe I am – but this thing I feel for you? It’s not going away. It’s just not.” I rub the back of my neck to ease the tension I feel. “And I realize that I have to prove that to you, and that it’s gonna take time. And I’m okay with that.”
She’s shaking her head.
“No, Charlie, don’t shake your head. Don’t shut this down. I know right now, you think I’m blowing smoke. But that just means I need to show you I’m serious. I might have fucked up. I might not have made all of the right choices. I might have actively made some bad ones over the past few months. But that’s not who I want to be. It’s not who you make me want to be.”
I lean forward again.
“I want to be a better man for you. I want to be the person you believe I can be.”
She’s giving me this look I can’t decipher, somewhere between hope and sadness.
“But you can’t be that person for me, Jeremy. You have to make that change for you.” She sighs. “Don’t you see that? Don’t you realize that if you make changes for me, and then we start something and fall apart, you wont know who you are anymore? You have to want to change because you want to.”
“I do. Fuck.” I fist a hand in my hair. “I’m not explaining myself very well.”
I suck down a sip of my soda and she sits in silence.
“Charlie just… promise me something okay?”
She just stares at me.
“Promise me that you won’t permanently close the door on anything happening between us okay? I’m not saying you have to promise me a date. I’m not saying you have to promise anything other than your potential consideration in the future.”
She sighs again.
A minute ticks by.
And just when I think she isn’t going to respond, she does.
“Okay.”