Chapter Fourteen
JEREMY
May 2017
I can’t believe she’s graduating. My sweet, precious baby sister is going to walk across the stage and shake hands with the president and move her tassel to the other side of her cap.
And then she’ll be done. Just like that.
My sister is a pretty amazing person. She’s gone through a lot in life and has been strong enough to come out on the other side, full of positivity and drive and determination to succeed. She’s gonna enjoy her summer off and then start graduate school in the fall at UCLA. She wants to be a teacher and a high school soccer coach, and I think she’s going to absolutely rock at it.
Rachel’s boyfriend, Mack, is sitting next to me in the stands, along with Charlie’s brother, Greyson. I can promise that I have never felt a punch in the gut like I did when I walked into their apartment this morning and found Charlie wrapped up in another man’s embrace. And I’ve never felt relief as sweet as finding out it was her brother.
Rachel had a nice little laugh about it and Charlie gave me a little smirk. I can’t help it if I wear my feelings on my sleeve, sometimes. Right?
So now, we sit in the stands, us three guys, supporting two important women in our lives as they complete the last step towards an amazing achievement.
I’m thrilled for Rachel, absolutely. But I keep thinking about Charlie, how brave she is for going after what she wants even without her parents’ support.
“She’s crazy about you, you know.”
I turn to my right, where Greyson sits, innocently sipping a coffee that I know is spiked with something. I want to ask for a sip. But instead, I just stare at him.
“Charlie, I mean.”
“Yeah,” I reply. “I figured that’s who you were talking about. I was just surprised you said anything. Aren’t you two supposed to have a great bond and hold each others’ secrets and all that shit?”
Greyson smiles at me.
“Usually, yes. I know some doozies about that girl that would send me to my grave if she knew I shared them with anyone, let alone you.” He chuckles, but then relaxes his face until it’s just a soft smile. “She’s the only thing that got me through high school, what with how my parents reacted to me coming out.”
When my brow furrows, he looks surprised.
“She didn’t tell you? My parents basically disowned me when I told them I was gay in the 7th grade. Charlie was the first person to know. I think I told her when I was in the 5th or 6th grade. But the big thing was telling my parents. I knew they were the types to care a lot about what everyone else thought, but I really did think telling them was a good idea. They always seemed to care about everyone, so I just figured that they’d care about me too, even though I wasn’t going to be who they originally wanted me to turn into.” He shakes his head and takes another sip of his brew. “My father spoke about 10 words to me between the time I told them and the day I left for the east coast five years later.”
“That must have been hard,” I say, unsure what to say other than show him my support. I might have had some shitty circumstances growing up, but even I can’t imagine that kind of pain.
He nods. “Yeah. Well, like I said. I had Charlie. Our other sister, Issy, she was too focused on what our parents wanted to realize what was happening to me. When your mind is focusing on towing the line, you don’t pay attention when that line is tied like a noose around someone else’s neck. But Charlie did everything she could to show me that I was loved. It’s probably the only reason I didn’t try to find that love somewhere else, you know?”
He sighs. “But it took me a while to realize that Charlie didn’t have anyone like that in her life. I had her, but who did she have? So she did the thing every self-help book says kids do when they don’t get enough love growing up. She tried to find it somewhere else, in somebody else.”
My stomach clenches, feeling like there is a space deep in my gut telling me that if I had just realized this about Charlie when we first got together, maybe I could have solved that for her, been the person she needed.
“I’m just glad she finally found it, you know?”
“What do you mean? Found what?”
“Her self-worth,” he replies.
I scoff. “Charlie is one of the most confident people I’ve ever seen.”
He just shakes his head. “Confidence and self-worth are completely different things, man. One is a projection for others. The other is an internal need for belonging and love. Confident people have low self-worth all the time, and people who believe intrinsically that they have value and worth aren’t always confident. They’re apples and oranges.”
Just then the announcer welcomes everyone to the 122nd Commencement at Glendale College. The words are clear and crisp over the speakers, but it translates into white noise in my mind. All I can think of is the strong, confident woman getting ready to walk across the stage and accept her diploma. I think about all of the times when she has done everything she can to be supportive and helpful to Rachel, what she has done to support and care about me, even when she probably had barely enough time to for herself.
And I feel this growing impatience. This desire to tell her just how much she means to me. How important she is. How special. My body gets slammed with a restlessness that she needs to know, right now. She needs to hear from me that no matter what happens between us, she will always be someone special. That her decision about me, whatever it is, doesn’t take away from how important and loved she is.
“So anyway,” Greyson continues, “like I was saying. She’s crazy about you. But she’s had all these people in her life that haven’t really gone to bat for her. People who love her but not enough, not in the way that says she comes first. I mean, look at our fucking parents. They’re skipping her graduation because they don’t approve of her nursing degree. You know how smart you have to be to get through that? All the science classes? Yuck. No thanks. But that’s just the life she’s lived. She’s never been first, she’s never been the most important. I think it’s why she’s always wearing bright colors and drawing attention to herself. She wants the validation it brings when people look at her. But not in a shallow way, you know? It’s just that… well, there’s always a part of her that will believe she’s not enough.”
My gut pushes me onto my feet. “I gotta go.”
“What?” Mack, who has been on his phone the entire time we’ve been sitting here, finally adds to the conversation. “Everything is gonna start in a few minutes. Where are you going?”
I let out a breath. “I need to talk to Charlie.”
Mack still looks confused, but Greyson has a shit-eating-grin on his face as he holds his coffee cup to his mouth. He nods once, then turns and starts talking to Mack as I push my way through the bleachers in the auditorium.
I fly down the steps and rush through the double doors where greeters are passing out programs. I look left and right and don’t see a huge line of people in all black, so I return to the greeters and ask where the graduates are lining up. Then I jog around to the other side. Where I see a massive crowd of students in hats and robes.
“Charlie Davenport?” I’m not screaming or shouting, just speaking loudly as I worm my way through the line trying to find her.
I spend a few minutes scanning the swarm of graduates and weaving through clusters of friends giggling and taking selfies, coming up empty as I hit the front of the line. I take a breath. I had hoped to talk to her before the ceremony, before she walks across the stage, but I can just wait talk to her after.
“Jeremy?”
I look up and there she is, looking both ridiculous and gorgeous in a massive black robe and a stupid hat on her head. I’ve never felt more right about something than I do in this moment. This isn’t about me wanting her to love me. This isn’t even about trying to convince her that I’m in love with her. This is about making sure she understands, beyond anything, that she isn’t alone today.
“I just wanted to talk to you for a second.” I push my hand through my hair.
“Okay, yeah. But it looks like we are walking in soon, so…”
I turn and see a woman in a headset looking at the graduates and talking into her microphone, shuffling the first few people around to her liking.
“Okay well… shit, now that I’m here, I feel like a jackass. But I just had to tell you, I just want to make sure you know… you are an amazing person.”
Her face softens, dropping from confused to a mixture of sweet and slightly unsure.
“You’ve lived a life with too many people backing out on you and letting you down. And I just, I wanted… no, I needed to tell you this before you walk on that stage. I want to make sure you know, without a doubt, that you have people in this crowd who are proud of you. And who love you, no matter what. You’re this kind, caring, thoughtful person who does everything you can to love those around you. You’ve worked so hard for today. And I just… I hated the thought that you felt alone today. That you felt like no one was here for you. And I just wanted you to know. We’re here for you. I’m… I’m here for you. No matter what.”
There’s dead silence from her as I finish what I have to say. I’m not sure how she’s taken it. I know I didn’t get the words entirely right, but I just had to get it off my chest. I had to make sure she knew.
“Alright lets go!”
There’s a cheer from the students around us, and the line starts moving through the double doors.
I take a step back.
“Have fun out there, okay? You deserve it.”
Her eyes just watch me as I turn and walk the way I came, weaving in and out of the mass of undergrads so I can get out of this hallway and back to my seat.
“Jeremy!”
I turn when I hear my name, and get nearly knocked to the ground when Charlie slams into me, her arms wrapping around me tightly.
“You need to get back in line,” I say with a laugh.
She giggles and I squeeze her tighter, loving the sound.
“I just,” she leans back, her hands resting on my arms, mine holding her around the waist, “I just wanted to say thank you. For what you said. And what it means to me.”
I smile at her, play with a strand of her hair that’s escaped and fallen in front of her cap.
“And I wanted to ask if I can take you on a date.”
My eyes fly to hers.
“What?”
She smiles and laughs. “A date. You know… dinner, movie, a trip to the beach. That kind of thing.”
I smile back at her, a little shocked and feeling overwhelmingly happy. “Just tell me when,” I reply, knowing that playing hard-to-get isn’t the right move for this moment. I don’t want her doubting things. Ever again.
“Tomorrow night,” she replies, her voice dropping as people continue to file past us.
I’m taken back several years at her response. “And what if I have plans tomorrow?” I reply, the grin on my face on the verge of cracking my face in half.
She shrugs and inches closer to me. “Do I sound like a dick if I say you’ll make sure you don’t have plans tomorrow?”
I huff out a laugh and draw her in for a kiss. Then break away.
“Go! Everyone’s almost gone,” I say. “I’ll see you after.”
She just smiles, kisses me again, places a hand on her cap and runs off in the opposite direction, her black cape billowing behind her.