Julie
It’s a dream. A very, very bad dream.
But the echoes of our angry voices haunt me so badly that I can’t sleep.
Do you want me to ask if it’s mine?
It hurt my insides a little when Oliver jabbed that into my head. The only thing that would’ve made it worse is if he’d demanded to know whether it was possible the baby isn’t his after all. At least he trusts me enough to know that I’m nothing like Heather—his cheating, manipulative ex.
For someone who has spent nearly three months chasing me, he doesn’t exactly know the right things to say. I smile into the darkness around me, because I know that’s one of the things I love about Oliver.
Oliver Jackson.
Broad shoulders and shaggy, dark chocolate hair.
Full lips that spread into wicked grins.
Deep, electrifying emerald eyes.
I lick my lips and wish that he were next to me.
Now that he knows the truth, will he come back to me? I recap the entire night like a movie on a loop in my mind. Sleep has betrayed me, so the silence claims me instead. It’s driving me crazy, but I keep looking for something—anything—that will make me feel better about the entire thing.
I don’t know what to say to you right now.
Then don’t say anything.
My stomach twists when I hear his angry voice in my head. I can still see the heat flushing his cheeks and neck, warning me. Oliver hasn’t spoken to me like that before—at least nothing with that much distaste behind it.
I think about how I ran from him when he parked the Jeep outside last night. I always seem to be running from him; the damage that’s been caused is almost unbearable to think about. I ripped down the walls he built and burned him the first chance I got. I know this isn’t only one-sided, but Oliver is right…what exactly did I want him to say?
I’m only a few days late—it could be nothing.
It could be everything.
My phone buzzes on the table beside me.
Nora: Hey, you up?
I stare into the darkness and try to decide if I want to answer her. Nora has had a pretty rough few days herself, and though I wouldn’t admit it to Oliver, I still somewhat blame myself for her being in the hospital right now.
I’m not exactly in the mood to admit to anyone that I should’ve made a different choice the moment I learned Brandon was asking about me years ago in high school. If I’d been a different person—or in a different place in life—I would’ve walked away at the first sign of trouble. But I wasn’t that person. I was the girl who saw light in everyone; I believed everyone could have a solid chance at happiness, even if they needed a little help.
Brandon needed my help.
My chest heaves rapidly, because there’s dirty truth embedded in my brain.
Oliver needed my help too. He was lost and confused just like Brandon—we needed each other to feel normal.
That doesn’t mean what I have with Oliver isn’t different from what I had with Brandon. I’ve forgiven Brandon to the point that I can find peace with Oliver; I’m trying my hardest to focus on that instead of letting my thoughts snowball into worries and regrets.
Nora doesn’t waste time before calling; I let it ring a few times before obligation washes over me.
“Hi.” I put the phone up to my ear. The bright light from the screen makes me close my eyes. “I was about to text you back.”
Nora scoffs. “Uh, no, you weren’t.”
“Okay, I wasn’t.” I blow out air. “Oliver and I had a fight.”
I hear her gasp, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. I imagine what her facial expression looks like right now; her beige skin looked pale when I saw her last, and without her signature gold hoops, she looked like a whole new person.
I know Nora and Oliver aren’t big fans of each other, but she knows how happy he makes me. I recall the look on his face when I quickly kissed his lips and left him standing outside, alone. He was horrified; all he wanted was one reassuring kiss to make him feel like we were okay.
I gave him a goodbye kiss masked by a goodnight kiss.
I didn’t mean to. I know this is all my fault, and I don’t know how to fix it. I want to hang up on Nora and call him, but I stay strong and listen to her talk my ear off about him.
“—I mean, right? Oliver loves you, Julie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look at someone like he looks at you.”
I sigh. “I told him that I’m late.”
She sucks in air through her teeth. “Holy shit, are you okay?”
I want to cry but I choke it down. “I’m fine. I’m only a few days late.”
“Yeah, but Julie…it only takes one time—”
“I know that,” I snap at her. “I took sex ed too.”
She snorts. “Well, it could be nothing. I bet it’s nothing—women are late all the time for various reasons, right? Maybe you’re too stressed…I bet that’s it. You’re too stressed.”
The silence between us is awkward, and I’m glad we aren’t in the same room having this conversation. Something has happened to me in the last few months; I’m a stronger person. I can literally feel it. If this were last year and it was Brandon instead…I would be a tangled mess of insecurities right now.
Not anymore.
Oliver taught me how to be strong again.
…No. He taught me that it’s okay to be strong again.
“Julie?” Nora’s voice breaks through my thoughts. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I really don’t know how to answer her.
“Just call him, okay? I promise that he’ll come running.”
I mumble something about being tired and I hang up the phone. If she thinks I haven’t punched his number seventeen times into the phone and erased it every single time, she’s wrong. I wonder what he’s doing…or if he’ll even answer my phone call.
How did I get myself into this mess? We used protection and I’m on the pill.
“The bathtub,” I whisper, and my eyes widen. “We didn’t use anything.”
I pick up my phone and dial Oliver’s number—this time, I push the call button and wait for him to answer. It rings five times and goes to voicemail.
“Hey, it’s Oliver.” His deep voice greets me. My hands shake so badly it’s hard to hold the phone to my ear. “Leave me a message and I’ll talk to you soon.”
I don’t bother leaving a message. What am I going to say to him? He obviously doesn’t want to talk to me, or he would’ve answered. I think about so much that’s jammed inside my brain that I don’t realize I’ve been lying here, fretting, for hours.
The sunlight starts to burn my eyes, making me close them. I don’t want to open them again because I know that when I do, Oliver won’t be here. He won’t be pressed behind me. His warm, hard chest won’t be sending flicks of excitement down my spine. My need for him grows so much inside my chest that I can’t take it anymore; I have to open my eyes.
I stare at the periwinkle walls of the pool house. The white, vaulted ceiling houses a skylight that hovers over me. I lose myself in the king-size bed, like it knows I’m alone and Oliver should be right here next to me.
Rain mists on the glass of the skylight as the sun recedes quickly, almost as if my bad mood chased it away. I can hear loud voices coming from the main house, but I try to drown them out as the rain pings harder on the windows. For a moment—a single, solitary moment—I’m able to let the quiet wash over me, and slivers of pain trickle away from my heart.
“You’re going, and that’s final!” Randy’s voice booms. “You belong at Belmont, so get upstairs and pack!”
“I want to go to a normal school with normal kids my own age, Dad! You always treat me like someone I’m not!” Clyde cuts in.
“I know how much potential you have, all right? Just trust me on this, Clyde. You’re going to Belmont tomorrow!”
“Where’s Julie? She’ll take my side on this!”
“It doesn’t matter whose side she takes; her vote doesn’t count!”
The rain isn’t drowning them out anymore, so I slide out of bed and slip my feet into the light pink slippers waiting for me on the floor. I feel completely exhausted right down to my bones. I check my phone to make sure Oliver hasn’t called, but there’s nothing…from anyone.
I slowly make my way to the main house to see what they’re yelling about. Even though Randy is right—my vote doesn’t really count—it still makes Clyde feel better knowing that someone is on his side. When I enter the room, Clyde and Randy are staring at each other and waiting for round two. They hardly notice me as I grab a bowl from the cabinet.
“Clyde. Cereal.” I snap my fingers and he looks at me, surprised. He scoots the box of Lucky Charms toward me, and now they’re both staring at me. I’m so hungry that I don’t even care. I start shoveling the cereal into my mouth like I can’t get full fast enough.
“Julie,” Randy says. He sits down across from me. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “I’m hungry.” Clyde snickers until his father shoots him a look to be quiet. “My god, let the kid go to a normal school,” I say. “What are you so afraid of? We went to public schools and look at us now.”
Randy snorts. “That’s what I’m afraid of.” He throws me a look. “Why are you so hungry? Have you not been eating?”
Clyde groans. “God, Dad. Can we focus on me again?”
Randy narrows his eyes at him. We both know that Clyde gets whatever he wants…we were having this very conversation last year when he actually begged to go to Belmont. What Randy doesn’t know is why he suddenly wants to stay in Rockford. Over the summer, a new family moved in across the street; it just so happens they have a girl his age and he’s crushing on her.
Randy grits his teeth. “Fine. But straight A’s. I’m talking genius level, Clyde.”
The redheaded wild child jumps for joy and gives me a hug from the side. I don’t bother hugging him back because I just want to eat. I pour more cereal into the bowl as Randy makes a disgusted face. “Okay, go up to your room and pull up the website. I’ll be up to enroll you in a minute.”
Clyde is a genius, but it doesn’t take one to figure out that Randy wants to talk to me alone. My nephew gives me a sympathetic look before bolting from the room. Randy puts his hands on the breakfast bar and stares me down.
“What?” I snap around a mouthful of cereal.
“Look, I’m glad you’re back home.” His voice is dull. “You know you always have a home here, Julie.”
“I know.” I shove more into my mouth. “Oliver and I might’ve broke up anyway.”
Randy doesn’t look surprised. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Cereal falls from my mouth as I snort. It hits the rim of the bowl and bounces with a soft splash into the milk. “No, you’re not. You hate him.”
“I don’t hate him.”
I wave my fingers in the air toward him. “It doesn’t matter—he’s gone.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” His eyebrows furrow. His forceful emotions are a little too chilling for me to feel comfortable talking about Oliver Jackson and his inability to act like a mature adult.
“Hardly.” I snort again and finish the cereal before putting the bowl into the sink.
“You’re acting very…abrasive this morning.”
“I’m just tired, okay?” I snap. “Look, just let Clyde go to public school for a year. One year isn’t going to hurt college applications. It might actually look good—make him look like he’s trying new things.”
Randy watches me scoot around him and head for the door. I’m ready to fall into my bed and try to get some sleep. “Clyde isn’t afraid of trying new things…what about you, Julie?”
I turn to face him; the darkness of Randy’s eyes irritates me. “For the last time, Oliver is gone. I tried to be with him—twice, actually. I screwed it up the first time, but this time it’s…just different.” I bite my bottom lip to fight the tears welling in my eyes.
“What exactly did he do?”
I don’t have the energy to answer him. I don’t want Randy knowing that I’m late, so I wave him off and head for the pool house. The truth is Oliver acted like a complete ass when I told him I was late. His frustration got the best of him again, and he said some things he can’t take back. I know he spoke out of his frustration, but it’s getting really old being at the end of those tantrums.
But I miss him.
And I love him.
Did we actually break up?
Oliver and I are always hurting each other.
I find my phone on the bedside table and stare at the screen.
Do I call him?
Maybe I should let him call me.
I wonder what he’s doing.
Is he awake?
Is he thinking about me too?
A wave of fear creeps over me as I think about different horrible scenarios where he could be doing something with another girl right now. Picking up some random woman and taking her back to his place, in his bed.
Our bed.
Would he do that to me?
I find his number, and my fingers shake as I hit the call button. The voicemail box is full and the call ends, making me frown. I throw the phone down, annoyed. I crawl back onto the bed and groan—then a cold wave washes over me.
Oliver isn’t speaking to me.
“Good morning, sunshine.” I hear his smooth voice and close my eyes.
I have to admit…I didn’t think it would end this way. I didn’t think Oliver would freak out about the fact that I’m late. I honestly thought he would be amazed and excited, not leave me alone to deal with this. I look at Colin’s journals sitting on the bedside table and I smile—at least I have some small part of him with me.
I can’t stand it; I have to pick up reading where I left off. There’s too much about Oliver’s life that I don’t know about, and Colin helps me understand why his son is the way he is. I reach over and snag the book that I’m on, pulling it underneath the comforter as I snuggle in and prepare myself for what’s to come.
I bookmarked my page with a napkin from the Lake Reed Inn, and it makes me instantly close the book and squeeze my eyes shut. The last time I read this was with Oliver in his bed. I can almost smell the spice of his skin in the pages of the journal.
“Don’t be a coward,” I whisper and open the book again. “You can do this.”
May 8th, 1992
Oliver was nearly born last night, but then he decided it wasn’t his time yet. Veronica has been ordered to stay in bed until it’s really time. My father pulled me aside and started talking about a custody battle and how Veronica doesn’t stand a chance.
I just want to have them both, and he doesn’t understand.
It’s hard to find someone who knows you to your inner core—someone who takes you for who you are and sets your mind on fire. I’ll never be able to stop loving Veronica, or get her out of my mind, as long as I’m alive.
Oliver will always be a constant reminder of what we had.
It’s not his fault that his parents are who they are. It’s not fair to him, either. If Veronica wants to go after Oliver is born…I’ll have to let her go.
I wish for everything to go back to the way it was.
I wish Oliver was here so we can read the journals together—he likes doing that.
I wish for a lot of things right now.