My hair whipped around in the cool wind, lashing my cheeks and sticking between my lips. Sand and dirt from the truck bed swirled in the air, and I closed my eyes against the invasion. A second later, I opened them when Esta shrieked. I squinted in her direction to make sure she hadn’t flown out the back of the truck.
She hadn’t, but she was sprawled on the floor of the truck bed. She scrambled back up onto the wheel well beside me and grabbed onto my elbow, huddling close. “Please tell me Bennie did not see that.” She buried her face in my hair. “Please, please, please.”
I looked around at the others in the truck. Bennie sat wedged in the back corner of the truck, by the tailgate. He was the only one who seemed to have noticed, his face alight with amusement, but at least he had the decency to look away when I raised my brows at him. He saw her fall because he’d been watching her. I didn’t expect that would make her feel better, though. I squeezed her arm in consolation.
It was a strangely warm afternoon for mid-November, and everyone had wanted to put on T-shirts and get outside, so Nick asked everyone to come for a ride in his new truck. Personally, I’d have been happier at work, where I only had to worry about spilled drinks and bad tips.
I held my hair back with my free hand, and peered over the edge of the truck. Gravel blurred beneath the wheels, looking as fluid as rushing water. We were traveling entirely too fast to be safe. My stomach twisted as I allowed myself one quick glance at Paul, who had taken a turn toward lunacy. Granted, it wasn’t a very hard turn for him.
He stood with one hand gripping the cab of the truck, and the other thrown up in the air. One of his feet was planted on the truck bed, and the other was perched on the rim of the side. Trista, a junior girl Bennie invited, stood behind Paul, and I watched as she reached up and tucked the tag into his shirt. Heat crept up my chest and wrapped around my neck, threatening to choke me. I forced a slow breath in through my nose.
Paul adjusted his stance, making sure of his footing. Words of warning sat at the back of my throat, but I closed my mouth around them. It wasn’t for me to try and control him.
Bennie shouted for Nick to speed up, and Paul slapped his hand on the cab in agreement. “We need more speed!”
I let go of my hair and let it wrap itself around my face, obscuring my vision. I pictured the scene from a bird’s eye view, hoping that would tell me what level of worry was appropriate. It didn’t. Why did boys do these sorts of things?
My stomach clenched tight with nerves. I pressed my hand deep into it, which seemed to help a tiny bit, leaving less room in there for worry. I tried to take a deep, calming breath, but that only resulted in sucking a lock of hair into my mouth. I coughed it out.
“Well, here we go,” Esta said, “weeding out the inferior genes.”
I smiled at her remark, but didn’t let it cheer me too much.
Nick stuck his arm out the window and gave a thumbs-up. The truck lurched beneath me, and I tilted to the side, one hand still pressed into my belly and the other still locked around Esta’s arm, each of us attempting to hold the other in place. Gravel dust kicked up around us, and I held my breath to keep from breathing it in. I peeked out from behind my hair.
Paul let out a whoop, and in one quick motion he lifted his other leg up onto the narrow ledge of the truck wall, bent his knees a fraction, and then vaulted his long, lean body over the side. One minute he was there, and the next, a cloud of dust had swallowed him up.
I lifted my head up a little so I could look back and see if he was even alive. Broken bones wouldn’t have surprised me, and at the least I was expecting a sprained ankle.
But he must have been made of rubber, because he popped up out of the grassy ditch with his arms lifted in victory and a goofy grin plastered on his face. I was dizzy and light-headed, but he seemed fine. Nick slowed the truck and did a three-point turn on the road so we could drive back to pick him up.
“That’s the most badass thing I’ve ever seen!” Bennie shouted, pumping his fist in the air. Nick hooted with laughter from the driver’s seat. Paul, buzzing with energy, swung himself back up into the truck.
Nick turned off the engine and parked right in the middle of the road. He climbed in the back, too. Paul held out his arm, revealing a six-inch length of road rash, bits of gravel imbedded in his skin.
“Do you have a first aid kit in your truck, Nick?” Trista asked, as she clucked over the blood dripping down Paul’s elbow.
“It’s nothing. I don’t need a bandage.”
“So you’re too cool for gauze?” I muttered, unable to keep the thought inside. Esta heard, and laughed.
I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to stay out of his line of sight. Thoughts were bubbling up, and I didn’t want to think them. I hunched my back and leaned toward Esta, trying to hide.
But of course, he never had let me hide. “What’s that, Celia?” He always seemed to have one eye turned in my direction, still, and he also still delighted in needling me. I didn’t respond, and our friends grew quiet as Paul knelt down in front of me. “Hey, I’m alive. No need to worry.”
My eyes pricked with the early warning that I was about to get emotional. I refused to cry about stupid Paul doing stupid things, even if he did have a stupid, tender voice. I clenched my teeth tightly together.
Esta’s cool hand landed on my forearm, and she squeezed, and I was able to take a breath. I squared my shoulders and reached up and put my palm on Paul’s cheek. He smiled, probably thinking I was about to return his tenderness with some of my own. “You’re a real bonehead, you know that?”
Around us, all our friends laughed.
He grinned. “I’ve been told a few times.”
“Well, maybe I should tell you more often.”
“I was just seeing if I could get a broken bone and catch up with your record.”
I scowled at him. I didn’t always like the fact that he had known me my whole life. “Two broken bones is not a record. It’s a typical childhood. And don’t you dare do that again.”
He laughed, looking satisfied that he had provoked a reaction from me, and stood up and moved over to the boys. They went through a play-by-play of everything that just happened. There was a lot of talk about tucking and rolling.
I rolled my eyes. Esta chuckled, noticing. She leaned over and whispered in my ear, so the others wouldn’t hear. “You have to admit it was sort of cool. Gave me a rush, anyway.”
I decided to forgive her for being impressed. In her case, it probably had something to do with the fact that Bennie was impressed. But it hadn’t been Bennie who jumped. It was Paul, and I was not impressed.
“And anyway,” she continued, “he only did it to get your attention.”
I shrugged, wondering if that was true. We were still feeling this out, trying to figure out what friendship looked like when we harbored such strong feelings for each other. Sometimes I wondered if a clean break would have been kinder than allowing the pause. He called me all the time, and searched for me in the halls at school to say hello, and he always had his hands stuffed in his pockets to keep himself from reaching for me. My breath caught in my throat every time he stood close to me.
I knew he was still upset about everything that happened with us, and I was too, but I wondered if there was something more going on, something that might make him feel as reckless as he seemed tonight. He didn’t tell me much about his life when we talked, and I didn’t feel like I had the right to pry. “Do you think they’ll do it again? Take turns?”
“I don’t know, but you know Nick will take us back whenever we say.”
I knew it, but bit my lip, not saying anything. Esta had really wanted to come tonight, and she’d worked pretty hard to talk me into coming. Going out was no longer on my agenda, and neither were dumb, risky things like this. Fay and Malcolm weren’t here because I’d made them promise to spend the evening with Abe.
I’d come for Esta, because she wanted to be where Bennie would be. He and Molly hadn’t ended up together after all, and Esta was trying to figure out if something could happen between them. She needed me along because she wanted to be near Bennie but not with Bennie.
I was relieved when everyone began settling back into their spots in the truck and Nick started the engine. No more jumping tonight. Paul sat on the floor of the truck right behind the cab, where there was less wind. When Trista sat down next to him and smiled, I turned my head away.
“Ignore them,” Esta whispered. “It’s obvious he’s not into her.”
We picked up speed and the wind rushed past our ears, making it too loud to talk. Nick’s driving bordered on the savage, and I thought about the gravel shifting under the tires like marbles.
Bennie seated himself beside Esta this time, and she sat facing him. She said something, but I couldn’t hear it over the wind. I did hear his laugh in response, though, and I smiled, hoping that meant something was going right tonight.
I looked up at the sky, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Paul duck-walking over to me. He leaned against the side of the truck and tugged on the hem of my jeans. I bit my lip, considering it a moment, then slid down the wheel-well to sit next to him on the floor of the truck bed.
He tilted his head toward me to speak in my ear, the only way to be heard without shouting over the wind. “You okay? You look a little pale.”
I smiled, the comfort of his close presence washing over me. “Nick should have taken another round of Driver’s Ed.”
He chuckled. “Do you want me to hold on to you? Would that help?”
My heart tripped over itself. I wanted that, but I couldn’t have it—not right now. “No, I’m good. It’s better sitting down here on the floor.”
He nodded and smiled at me, but I saw his throat move as he swallowed.
This hurt. Being near him but not with him hurt. Not being near him hurt more.
We came into town, and Nick finally slowed down. Thirty miles an hour never felt so good. Nick stopped the truck at Dream Cone, which stayed open every year until December first. The buzzing fluorescent lights cast a yellow glow on the evening. Moths flitted around the edges, attracted to the light but repelled by the people. Moths and I had something in common.
I was about to cry, so I hopped over the tailgate without waiting for it to be lowered, and moved to the side of the building, away from the crowd.
“Geez, Celia. Give a girl a minute,” Esta said, and scrambled over the tailgate after me.
“Sorry,” I said, getting myself under control, and pushed my hair back off my face. It felt somehow sticky, as though the wind turned it into cotton candy.
Bennie jogged over after her. “Hey, Esta, want to split a split?”
She beamed up at him, and my heart lifted for my friend. “Call me later, okay?” I said.
She pulled her eyes away from Bennie and refocused on me. “Don’t you want to stay?”
I looked at my wrist, planning to comment on the time, but I’d forgotten to put on my watch. I wasn’t one of those people who could whip a phone out of my back pocket to check the time. I honestly didn’t mind that I couldn’t afford one. I could be truly unreachable if I wanted, and I wanted that sometimes. I wanted that right now. I let my arm fall to my side. “I better get home.”
“Good-night, Celia. Glad you came out with us,” Bennie said, and reached down to grasp Esta’s hand.
I liked Bennie, but I didn’t want to be a tag-along. I’d felt like that all night, like I couldn’t quite find my place in the group. I peered at their joined hands again, and looked up to see the look of astonishment on Esta’s face. A genuine smile found my lips. “Yeah, me too. Glad we made it back alive.”
Bennie chuckled and pulled Esta toward the line to order their banana split. I turned and walked down the street toward my house. I only got a few steps away before I heard his voice call after me.
“Hey, Celia! Stay and hang out with me!” Paul hollered.
I smiled as warmth flooded my belly. I raised my hand to acknowledge him, but I didn’t turn back.
The next morning, I walked into our kitchen and was greeted by the scent of Mom’s pasta sauce. It was the kind that took all day to make, simmering on the stove and getting richer as each hour passed. She must have been up very early. She sat at the table, scouring the Sunday newspaper, a pose I’d seen her in frequently these days.
“A lot of nursing jobs still available?” I sat down in the chair across from her.
She looked up at me, a tired smile on her face, resignation in her eyes. “An abundance.” She worried her bottom lip between her teeth.
Under the table, I tapped her foot with the toe of my shoe. “Do it, Mom.”
She shook her head. “We’ve been over this. It won’t work, for a hundred reasons.”
I took a deep breath. “If we moved in with Olive we’d be able to afford it.”
“We’ve been over that, too.”
I sighed. “Okay then. You know Abe and I have been saving. We actually have a decent amount of money already. We want to help you do this.”
“You’re not giving your money to me.”
“We want to. But you may get more financial aid than you’re imagining. Just fill out that form I got for you, and see what happens.”
“It’s more than the money. I have a job now, and even though I’m just a gas station cashier, I can’t quit—not unless something better comes along.” She tapped the want ads. “And I’d have homework. Who would run things around here?”
“Abe and I are plenty big enough to take care of ourselves and the house.”
“You have your own homework and your own job, Celia.”
“We’ll figure it out. Lots of people work and go to school at the same time.”
Her eyes went distant as I saw her considering it, imagining how it would work. I thought about it, too. I pictured her trying to read a textbook or write a paper while Dad ranted and raved about who knows what. I saw her leaving her books and papers on the table to go look for him when it was late and he wasn’t home yet. I saw the hours they spent in their bedroom, her talking him down from his paranoia and his anger. It wasn’t long before we both wore defeated looks.
“It’s not you kids I’m worried about anymore,” she said softly.
“I could manage that too.”
“I know you’d do that for me, Celia. I know you would. But I wouldn’t ask you to.” She rubbed her hands up and down her face. Her hair, smooth and black without a speck of gray, swished from side to side. “I want you to save that money you’ve earned for your own college. Yours will be the first degree earned in this house.”
I opened my mouth to further the argument, but she put her hand on the top of mine, silencing me with one look. “I make delicious spaghetti sauce. We get to eat that for dinner tonight, and we get to be together at our table, and that makes us lucky. Everything is fine the way it is.” She went to the stove and picked up her big stirring spoon.
I stood from the table and turned to go get ready for work, but then looked back. Her pink shirt was bunched around her waist and she tilted her head to one side as she worked the sauce. She lifted the spoon and tapped it with her finger, tasting it for herself. I wondered if she’d be there in forty years, standing on the same linoleum tiles, head bent in the same way, telling me to go find goodness for myself because it wasn’t within her reach.