Abe crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “I don’t see what the big deal is. You sneak out all the time, and I know you’ve had beer.”
“Not when I was twelve years old!” Celia said through her teeth.
“I am almost thirteen,” Abe spat. “And stop yelling at me.” He glanced over at Jeremy, who looked very uncomfortable.
“I’m not yelling at you. I’m lecturing you.”
Malcolm had dropped Paul and Celia off on the east side of town, to search the area on foot. Fay and Malcolm were heading to Malcolm’s old cabin, and Esta was going to check at Jeremy’s house. But it was Celia who found the boys, in the parking lot of the abandoned video store.
The whole east side of town didn’t have much life to it anymore. Most of the businesses were abandoned and the grass was overgrown. When they came upon the small crowd in the parking lot, Paul had told Celia just to walk on by; there was no way the boys would be there. But she had paused to scan the bodies leaning against cars, and there they were. They’d been surrounded by older kids—some high schoolers but also some people who graduated in the last year or two—who were drinking and smoking weed and ready to flee the minute the town cop came around on patrol.
“It was my idea,” Jeremy said, eyes focused at the ground.
“It was not,” Abe said. “It was my idea, Celia. He’s just trying to keep me from getting in trouble.”
Celia sighed. “You can’t hang out there. Not even I hang out there. What were you thinking, drinking that beer?”
“You want to know what I was thinking? I wanted to see what the big deal was. Why Dad always chooses that over us,” Abe muttered.
Celia sucked in a breath, and her face went pale. They all walked in silence for a while. It wasn’t going to be a short walk back to Fay’s. Celia had used Paul’s phone to call the others while Paul extracted the boys from the group. He had been shocked to see the can in Abe’s hand, the smell of beer on both boys’ breath. They claimed they only split one between them.
“I should have stayed at Fay’s. I shouldn’t have left you.” Celia sniffed, and her voice was thin.
“I don’t need a body guard, Celia. I’m not a little kid anymore. And the whole point was sneaking out. Even if you’d been there I’d still have done it.”
“No you wouldn’t. I would have noticed.”
They stopped walking. Paul debated whether he should take Jeremy on ahead and give them some privacy for their argument. They meandered a little ways ahead, but stopped where they could still hear what was going on.
“I just want to be left alone!” Abe’s face was red.
“No you don’t. You think I don’t understand? You think I don’t know what it feels like to need to get away? To try to make your life different somehow? In any way you can? I know the whole point is to get someone to notice. Well, I’m noticing, Abe!” Celia was full-on crying now.
“I never asked you to.” Abe’s tears arrived only a moment after hers.
“You shouldn’t have to ask to be noticed. We’re family.”
“Some family.”
Paul had never seen Abe so angry. He couldn’t say it surprised him. It was more surprising he managed to keep his cheerful spirit the way he usually did.
Abe started walking again, and when he reached Paul and Jeremy, he and Jeremy walked together at a quicker pace. Paul hung back and waited for Celia to catch up. The boys were a block ahead now. “Do you think they’ll take off?” he asked.
“No. He’s just embarrassed Jeremy saw all that.” She was still crying a little. Paul reached over and caught her hand in his. “He’s not okay, Paul.”
“He will be. Just like you, he will be.”
“I don’t know. I’m not so sure. I shouldn’t have gone out tonight. I should have been with him.”
“You can’t be with him all the time, Celia. And even if you could, you can’t control him.”
“But the way I felt tonight, when nobody knew where he was, I thought I was going to die, Paul. It was so scary.”
“It was scary, but he’s fine.”
“But I’m not. I can’t take it. Not knowing if he’s okay…what if he does this again?”
Paul began to feel restless; a jittery unease wound its way through his body.
“Do you remember that night we stole the boat?” Celia asked.
He smiled, trying to take the moment back to something he understood. “We only borrowed it.”
She stopped walking and faced him, a wall behind her eyes. “That night I told you I was trying to change things, for myself and for Abe. I should have done better. I haven’t been spending enough time with Abe and I let myself think things were only going to keep getting better. I tricked myself into thinking I could have what I wanted.”
“I don’t understand.” Paul’s hands shook, and he let go of hers so she wouldn’t notice.
“Pretending I have a normal life got Abe hurt. He was drinking tonight, Paul! At twelve years old. I have to get him through the next five years. I need to work more hours and earn more money so I can help my mom pay for school or an apartment or something. I need to figure out what to do about my dad. My life is a mess.”
“I’ll help you.”
“I won’t ask you to do that.”
“I offered.” He ran his hands roughly through his hair.
“I don’t want to need help, Paul.” Her voice cracked.
“We all need help sometimes.” He took a step toward her and reached out to close her in a hug, but she stepped back.
She crossed her arms around her stomach. “I need more than my fair share. And it’s not fair to you. I take and I take and I take from you. You spend all your time pulling me out of disasters. You deserve better. You should get to be happy, and all I bring is trouble.”
Paul felt numb. “That’s not true. I am happy with you.”
“My life drags you down.”
“No.”
“Yes. And it isn’t right. You were the happiest, most relaxed person before. Now you’re always worried about me.”
He stopped and pulled her down to the sidewalk. His hands trembled violently now, and his eyes were burning with tears but he didn’t try to hide it. He shook his head fervently, trying to make her know it didn’t matter. “I’m always going to worry about you. That’s part of caring about someone.”
Tears dripped down her cheeks, one right after the other. He watched them fall. “A regular amount of worry, sure. But this is constant, and it isn’t going to stop any time soon. I can’t enjoy parties, I can’t relax, I can’t lay around and kiss you and just forget that the rest of my life is a mess. I’m drowning and I can’t keep asking you to toss me life preservers. I can’t keep doing this to you. I can’t keep seeing your face upset and knowing it’s my fault.”
“Celia, my life is better with you in it.” He was begging, and he didn’t care.
She sucked in her bottom lip and was quiet a long moment, and when she spoke, her voice was strong. “You said you’re my friend first. You said you could do that.”
Paul swallowed thickly, and it took a moment before he could speak. “I can do that.”
She put her face in her hands and spoke through thick tears. “I’m sorry. It isn’t right for me to keep pulling you under, and I’m sorry. I just need some time to figure this out. I can’t be a good girlfriend right now.”
It was an echo of the apology she’d given him as she rested her head on his chest outside his window last night. He’d suspected this was coming—had known from the moment she pushed him away at her locker the day after her dad hit her brother. Knowing it was coming didn’t make it hurt any less. “Celia, we’re just pushing pause. We’re not hitting stop.” He needed her to agree to that.
She looked up at the sky, tears still brimming over.
“I mean it. This is not about you and me. This is about timing. It’s about life getting in our way. Let’s just push pause.”
She didn’t answer, and in her silence he heard what he wanted to hear. He put his arms around her and put his forehead against hers, and they sat like that for a long time. They sat like that until her tears ran dry and until his shaking subsided, and then he walked her home.