Gin

I don’t think the Earth’s crust is all that interesting. A one-page paper about it would be okay, but three pages? Ugh. I push away my laptop and pick up my phone, unable to concentrate on my research paper any longer.

There’s a text waiting on the screen.

Hey. I was surprised to see you swimming at the Y tonight.

I furrow my brow and read it again. It’s from a number I haven’t assigned contact information to in my phone, but I know who it is. It’s Chase. I add him as a contact.

Why would Chase be sending me a text about nothing? At nine thirty at night?

I’m feeling testy, so I send a snarky reply.

Me: Didn’t know frigid dykes can swim?

I stare at the screen, waiting for his response.

Chase: Gin…I hate what’s happening to you because of me.

I soften as I read his words.

Me: It’s not your fault. Roper’s a small town with a small-town mind-set.

Chase: It is my fault. It’s because of the rose.

Me: It’ll pass eventually…right?

Chase: Yeah. If anybody gives you any shit, let me know.

Me: Ha—you’d be hearing from me every 5 minutes.

Chase: Are you serious?

Me: During school hours. But I’m over it, so it doesn’t matter.

Chase: It does too.

Me: Why didn’t you bang another girl? That woulda helped take the heat off me…

Chase: I was waiting for you to show up. Ended up waiting all night.

Me: Why? You didn’t think I meant it when I said NO?

Chase: Hoped you’d change your mind.

Me: No fucking way.

Chase: Am I so bad? I would’ve made it good, ya know. Lots of kissing. Just the two of us.

My stomach somersaults, and I roll my eyes at myself. There’s nothing romantic about that ritual, no matter how Chase’s words make me feel in this moment.

Me: Yeah, followed by the rest of your team. No thanks.

Chase: What if it was just me?

Me: Still a no. You should celebrate winning with a pizza or something.

Chase: You make me smile, Gin. Want to go out for pizza with me?

Me: No. I gotta go, I have to finish my paper.

Chase: Another time, then.

Me: Or not. You aren’t my favorite person, Chase.

Chase: Goodnight, Gin. See you tomorrow.

Me: Can’t wait.

I put my phone back on the desk, screen side down so I’m not tempted to look at it again. Is Chase just taunting me at this point? I think he’s so not used to hearing no from a girl that he’s taken me on as a personal challenge or something.

Ironic that my secret crush is now texting me for no reason. And it’s just bizarre that he mentioned having pizza together. Chase seems to think he can charm me into changing my mind about this whole ritual gangbanging thing, but it’s not happening.

Even though I know that’s all this attention is about, I can’t help liking it. I’ve dreamed of him noticing me for so long. His notice so far hadn’t been what I had in mind—until tonight.

That look between us at the Y earlier is the reason I can’t concentrate on the Earth’s crust. Or anything else.

Since I was only wearing my black one-piece Speedo suit and I had no makeup on, I should have felt self-conscious. I should have gone running into the locker room for cover.

I couldn’t, though. I was frozen in place, those blue eyes trapping me with their intensity. No one has ever looked at me the way Chase did tonight. I didn’t just feel beautiful for the first time in my life in those few moments—I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world.

My heart had hammered more uncontrollably than it did the morning Chase offered me the rose. Even with the space between us and the barrier of the window, I’d felt something intimate passing between us. Something secret.

My cynical side wants to believe that look from Chase was just more of him trying to lay on the charm so I’ll spread my legs for him and his teammates, but I know deep down, that wasn’t it at all.

I can’t even pretend to work on that paper anymore tonight. It’s not due for another week, so I’ll put it off. I look at the blinking cursor on my laptop screen, curious about whether the social media firestorm about me has died down at all.

Best not to even look. The few times I’ve peeked at social media since the morning of the rose, I’ve been so hurt and disgusted I had to turn away.

People can be such dicks. And this isn’t even all that complicated. Girls at my school would say they’re empowered. They’ve been taught about sexism and consent. So why don’t they get that this after-game gang-bang party isn’t an honor at all, but an objectification?

I consider texting Chase again to tell him I hate him and every other guy who takes part in that fuckery. He needs to know it was only a lapse in reason that made me look at him earlier without scowling or flipping him off.

It won’t do me any good, though. He’ll somehow read into it that I want attention from him.

Attention is the last thing I want from anyone at Roper High. I wish I would have followed through with my plan to graduate early and start at NYU a semester ahead of time. But the look on my mom’s face when I pitched that plan made me reconsider.

I’m her only kid. She wants to see me walk across the stage and get my diploma on graduation day, and I don’t want to deny her that.

I head downstairs to find something to eat. My plate of nutritionally void pizza rolls is slowly spinning inside the microwave when my mom walks into the kitchen.

“Hey, stranger,” she says, grabbing a soda from the fridge.

“Hey, how’s the book coming? Did you figure out what to do with the dead body?”

Her eyes light as she answers. “Thrown into an abandoned well.”

I cringe. “Thank God it’s abandoned, or that would be truly disturbing.”

“How’d your abstract pumpkin turn out?”

“It’s pretty decent.” I shrug and return to staring at the microwave.

“Gin, is everything okay? You haven’t seemed like yourself lately.”

“I’m fine.”

She pops open the can of soda, and after a few seconds, tries again. “I’ve never judged you when you come to me with things. I just want you to know—”

“Mom, I know.” My voice has more of an edge than intended.

Several more moments of thick, tense silence pass. The microwave beeps and I open it, pulling out my plate.

“It’s not me you’ll judge,” I say, sighing. “And…have you ever just wanted something to go away? This will just stir the pot further, and that’s the last thing I need.”

She slides onto a breakfast stool. “Stir it how? I’m not going to make you feel bad about anything, Gin.”

The hurt in her voice stabs me. I know she’d never make me feel bad about anything. But she’s been reminding me since I was a toddler that my body is my own, and anyone who tries to use or manipulate me deserves to be called out.

I can’t stomach the idea of my mom stomping into my school with steam coming out of her ears, demanding to see the principal, football coach, superintendent, and anyone else in any position of authority. She’ll be pissed that I was given a rose, yeah, but she’ll be livid when she knows other girls take the roses and then get deflowered at a party in front of others.

“It’s not you, honest.” I bite the corner off a pizza roll to let steam escape. “It’s everyone else.”

“You’ve been withdrawn, honey. Angry. And I’m worried you need to talk things through. You have my word it stays between us.”

I laugh humorlessly. “This one’s gonna require a blood-signed contract.”

“Are you pregnant?” she blurts.

“No.”

Her shoulders sink as she exhales with relief. “Okay. My word is my promise. I’ve never broken that.”

I pop the rest of the pizza roll into my mouth, considering as I chew. That’s true—she’s never broken her word to me. I trust my mom.

Leaning back against the counter with my plate in hand, I start talking. “You know Chase Matthews?”

“Of course.”

Reluctantly, I tell her about how I intervened in Cassie’s would-be ass-beating and how Chase patched me up after. The more I talk, the easier it gets, and soon the entire sordid story is pouring out of me.

Mom listens, her only reaction an occasional pursing of her lips. And after I finish by telling her about seeing Chase tonight at the Y and not hating him as much as I should, I pop another pizza roll into my mouth, waiting for her reaction as I chew.

“Well…” Her brows arch as she searches for words. “Wow.”

“I know? Some fucked-up shit, right? Now you know why I ate all the mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

A ghost of a smile touches her lips before she clears her throat and turns serious again. “I’m just devastated that this is happening. In my world, in my country…but in my little town? To my own daughter?”

“Nothing happened to me, Mom. My maidenhood is intact, promise.”

Her lips part with surprise. “Not just that, Gin. That you were even asked to do something so wrong, it’s just… Chase does this? The sweet blond-haired boy who loved the birthday cake I made you so much?”

“Mom, that was in second grade.”

“I know, but…” She rubs her temples. “Okay… First, thanks for trusting me with this.”

“You can’t tell anyone,” I remind her. “You promised.”

She gives me a slow nod. “Yes, I did. And I’ll keep my promise. I want you to know, honey, that there’s a big world out there outside of Roper. You’re being judged unfairly right now, but you did the right thing. I’m proud of you.”

“I know. I’m not wondering if I should change my mind or anything, I’m just pissed at this point. People should leave me alone.”

“But other girls…they say yes to this?” She grimaces with disgust and concern. “They do this Sweet Sixteen thing?”

“Yeah.”

She shakes her head. “I can’t…I don’t even know how to reconcile that. I hate knowing it and not saying anything to them. Not letting them know they aren’t expendable trash to be used for the amusement of a bunch of football players.”

“Yeah, it’s not the deepest bunch of thinkers who do this stuff.”

“I don’t care.” There’s conviction in her tone. “No girl should be treated that way, ever.”

“I know, Mom. I do. But not all girls were raised by you. They don’t know that.”

“Well, can you—”

I put up a hand to stop her. “No. I’m not looking to save the world. I just want to survive my last year here, that’s all. Girls at my school do stupid shit every day. You’d die if you knew what high school is really like these days.”

She shakes her head. “I’m sure I would. And this is about you anyway. I’m sorry I got off track.”

I set my plate of pizza rolls down on the island, pushing it toward her to offer her some. She takes one. Sliding onto the stool next to her, I take a deep breath.

“I just want to go back to being invisible. I keep my head down at school, you know? I don’t ask for trouble. In Chase’s fucked-up head, he was doing me a favor, and it ended up being the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I didn’t think I could hate my school any more than I already did, but I was wrong.”

“Oh, honey.” Mom looks over at me. “I know you feel like you don’t belong here, but I think you’re wrong.”

“Really?” I give her an incredulous look. “I have nothing in common with the people I go to school with. I don’t like football, drinking cheap beer, or gangbanging, so that leaves…no one to hang out with.”

“You have Lauren and Raj.”

I nod. “Yeah, but even they aren’t like me. Lauren doesn’t think she can ever get out of Roper. And Raj…he’s kind of afraid of his own shadow. I mean, I love them, but…am I making any sense?”

“Yes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt that way in my life. I feel like maybe I’ve passed it on to you, and I never wanted that.”

“No, you just raised me to believe in equality, which is like a dirty word in this hick town.”

Mom smiles. “You know why you belong here, Gin? It’s because you’re not like everyone else. You were the first girl who was brave enough to say no to that rose.”

I smile back. “I think my exact words were ‘you can shove that rose up your ass.’”

“That’s my girl. And now other girls know that they can say no too. And those arrogant little pricks on the football team know not every girl wants to play their game. You weren’t made to be invisible, Gin. Look at the way you stood up for Cassie Matthews when she was being picked on. You were made to change the world. And Roper is where you’re starting.”

I shake my head. “I haven’t changed anything, Mom. Everyone hates me.”

“It doesn’t sound like Chase hates you.”

I scoff. “I think he’s just trying to charm me into changing my mind.”

“Give it time. And no matter what, honey, don’t let this change you. Don’t let it make you bitter and angry.”

“I keep hoping it’ll die down.”

“I’m always here if you need to vent. Or if you want to take a break from school, I’ll go pick up your work and you can keep up from home.”

I shake my head. “I’m not giving them the satisfaction of knowing how much it bothers me.”

“I couldn’t be prouder of you, Gin.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I do have to ask—do teachers and parents know about this? I don’t understand how they can condone such a thing.”

I shrug. “It’s one of those things you don’t know if they know about. It’s not talked about with them. But that guy at the hardware store…he knew.”

“Asshole.”

“Yeah.” I stand up and take my plate over to the sink, rinsing it and putting it in the dishwasher. “I’m going to bed. Thanks for listening.”

“Always. I’ll be up in my office if you can’t sleep and need to talk some more.”

“Okay.” I walk over and hug her. “Night, Mom.”

“Goodnight, honey. I promise this is going to get better.”

I think about it on my way upstairs. Maybe she’s right. When Chase gives another girl a rose this Friday morning, surely the focus will shift away from me. Not just the focus of the entire Roper student body, but Chase, too.

The thought gives me a pang of sadness, and I roll my eyes at how stupid I’m being. It makes me sad that Chase will be fucking some other girl this Friday night. What the hell?

She’ll just be one of many to him. And that’s all he wanted me to be, too.