Gin

“What’s with the bucket?” Mr. Douglas asks me with a frown.

“Oh.” I glance down at the blue plastic two-gallon pail I’m clutching the handle of, and then give him a sheepish smile. “You know, in case of vomiting.”

“Vomiting? Are you that nervous?”

I nod. “I’m beyond nervous. If you happen to have a sedative in your pocket, this would be a great time to give it to me.”

“Gin. Listen to me. I’ve been watching you run these lines all day, and you’re…you’ve got this part locked up.” He looks from side to side. “If you’d auditioned for this part, I would have cast you.”

“Really?” I pretty much squeak.

“Absolutely. Just stay focused on your lines and pretend we’re rehearsing one more time in an empty theater. Forget about the audience.”

Just the word “audience” makes my stomach roll with nausea. It would be one thing if I had to do this in front of a bunch of strangers, but my mom and Michael are out there watching. Chase. Raj and Lauren. If I humiliate myself, I’ll be doing it in front of everyone I know.

Everyone’s running around fussing over last-minute stuff. Harrison, the junior who’s doing the makeup tonight, comes up to look me over one more time. He applies more light pink lipstick and dabs a tissue to my chin and nose.

“I feel like a clown,” I say, sighing.

“That’s because you don’t usually wear makeup.” He scowls at me. “That black crayon you line your eyes with doesn’t count.”

“Yeah, but…isn’t this too dramatic a change? From nothing to—” I gesture in front of my face in a circular motion “—this?”

He crosses his arms over his chest. “Like I already said, you look gorgeous. Your skin is to die for, and now that your brows are shaped and your hair is back to its natural color, it’s like looking at a different person.”

“But it’s so much makeup, Harrison.”

Rolling his eyes, he repeats what he’s been telling me for the past hour. “The stage lights wash you out. You have to wear more for it to look average on stage. Will you just trust me?”

“I’m trying,” I say weakly.

“Did I come hover over your sets and ask if that paint shade was right?”

I sigh heavily. “No.”

“This is because I’m a guy, isn’t it? You assume all guys only do drag queen makeup?”

“No! I didn’t say anything like that.”

He puts his hands on my shoulders. “Gin, relax. I get it. You’re used to blending in, but for the next two hours, you’re gonna stand out. Like it or not.”

“Not,” I admit, cringing. “I still can’t believe Chase did this to me.”

Harrison scrunches his face and mocks crying. “Poor Gin. She’s rich, and the golden boy follows her around like a lost puppy with emoji heart eyes. And she’s a natural redhead.”

“Places!” Mr. Douglas calls out.

Harrison puts a hand on the handle of my bucket, tugging at it.

“Gin, let go.”

“But…I need it.”

“You can’t take a bucket on stage with you.” He pulls harder, taking it from me, and I feel truly naked.

My first costume is ragged clothes from Goodwill, and this is the one I’m most comfortable in. I take my place, reminding myself that the sooner the play starts, the sooner it will be over.

When the curtains open, I remember Mr. Douglas’s words. I pretend we’re just rehearsing again. I don’t look at the audience at all. Even if I seem to be looking at them, I’m not.

Once I get the first five minutes behind me, I start to relax. When Ellie faces bullies at school, I channel my own feelings from the past six weeks. As she confesses her love for Prince Charming, I picture Chase.

At some point that I can’t even put my finger on, I start having fun. I know this part well. With every laugh, every smile over my shoulder, I become Ellie rather than Gin.

Ellie is a daydreamer who doesn’t think she’s anything special. I’m the opposite—a practical realist who knows she belongs somewhere bigger and broader than Roper, Missouri. But as I see through Ellie’s eyes, I start to think that maybe I could be more like her. Maybe I should.

I become so focused on my delivery that I stop keeping track of time. I want to do Ellie justice.

In the kissing scene Aiden and I only practiced once, he honors my wish and kisses me beside my lips rather than on them. I’ve never had a real kiss, and I didn’t want my first one to be with him, in front of an audience.

By the time I have to walk onstage in the long, sleeveless emerald gown my mom and I picked out at a New York boutique yesterday, I’m not nervous anymore. With the smooth, shiny red hair it took six hours in a hair salon to get and this beautiful dress I let my mom talk me into, I’m not the Gin I was before.

If nothing else, I did this, and I’m proud of myself for that. I stepped into a leading role I never thought I’d have to play, and because of me, we didn’t have to cancel the show.

It’s easier to be brave than vulnerable. Standing on the principles my mom taught me was easier than this was. In black eyeliner and baggy clothes, I send a message that I’m above style and completely unconcerned with what anyone thinks.

But tonight, I’m on stage. Lights are shining on me. Everyone is looking. I’m asking them to not just see me as playing a pretty, would-be princess, but to believe I could actually be one.

That’s raw in a way I’ve never allowed. And by the end of the play, I have tears in my eyes because I’m so damn proud that I put myself out there.

We soak in the applause. And as we all stand there listening to the cheers of approval, I finally look into the audience.

And there he is. Chase is in the front row, as promised. He’s wearing a light blue dress shirt and khakis, and he’s beaming. No one is clapping louder or cheering harder. His gaze never leaves me. I smile back, knowing he was right to push me into this role. He believed in me more than I believed in myself.

My mom and Michael are just a couple rows behind him. Even from the stage, I can see that my mom is crying. Michael passes her a tissue, and I get a premonition that Michael is soon to be more than the caretaker of our house. It makes me happy.

Once backstage, I’m mobbed with hugs and congratulations. When one person finishes hugging, another takes over. Even Madison greets me from her crutches.

“Hey,” she says. “Cute dress.”

“Thanks.”

That’s as close as I’m getting to congratulations from her. I can tell she’s crushed she didn’t get to play Ellie, and I understand that.

My mom finds me and passes me two dozen calla lilies. Michael holds them as she crushes me in a hug, whispering tearfully in my ear.

“I’ve never been so proud. I can’t stop crying. I know I’m making a fool of myself, but I can’t stop.”

My eyes fill with tears as she talks. I love her so much. I can’t imagine not seeing her every day anymore. I thought leaving Roper would only be sweet, but there will be some bitter mixed in too.

When Mom pulls away to mop her cheeks again, Michael hands me the lilies with a smile. But as soon as Mom sees Chase rushing my way, she grabs them back out of my arms.

Chase is grinning like never before. He passes me a dozen pale pink carnations with tissue paper wrapped around the bunch, then sweeps me into his powerful embrace, lifting my feet from the floor as he spins me around.

“You were amazing, Gin,” he says in my ear. “I’m blown away.”

“I can’t believe I did it.”

“I can.”

I just hold on to him, taking in the solid feel of his broad back beneath my arms and the brush of his hair against my cheek.

“Thank you for the flowers,” I say in his ear. “They’re beautiful.”

“I’ll never give you another rose again,” he says in a low tone.

He sets me back on the ground, locks his eyes on mine, and cups my face in his large hands.

We’re surrounded by people, but we might as well be the only ones in the world. I can’t hear, see, or feel anything but Chase as he leans down to kiss me.

His lips are a soft contrast to the slight stubble on his face. My heart flips and flops, scrambling to find its pace again. The kiss is only a couple seconds long, but it carries a promise of more to come. The heat in Chase’s eyes vows the next one won’t be so sweet.

My body burns with desire for him. This is the best day of my life. I got to play a character who got her Prince Charming, and my real-life one is kissing me backstage.

Chase leans in to say something in my ear.

“Please don’t change your hair back, I love it.”

I smile, a flush creeping up my neck to my face.

“Okay, I’ll keep it.”

“Also, I’m gonna need to take you out on a date.”

I pull back and look at him, brows arched. “A date?”

He nods. “As soon as possible. Right now would be great. You should keep the dress on.”

I laugh as he leans his forehead down against mine. “I promised Mom and Michael we’d go out with them tonight. How about if we go out alone tomorrow night?”

“Deal,” he says.

Everyone is looking at us. But now, the looks are happy ones. No one’s judging or angry. And finally, I’m okay with them looking. My plan to stay unseen this year was a fail, but I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it was supposed to be.