Gin

I’m still shaking. Even after skipping my first class to shut myself in a stall of the girls’ bathroom and get myself together, my emotions are running just as high as they were an hour ago.

Maybe higher, actually, because I’ve been thinking things through. I’m still mad as hell that Chase thought I’d want to be one of the football team’s vapid virgin sacrifices. His participation in the weekly gang bang is the one thing I’ve had to overlook to sustain my crush on him. The whole thing is sexist, offensive, and disgusting.

Then there’s the way I was caught completely off guard by the whole thing. I was just standing at my locker, thinking about what books I needed for the morning, when suddenly half the school was staring at me as Chase tried to get me to take that rose.

Completely mortifying. And after the way I defended his sister, that’s not what I expected from Chase. He’d assured me it wasn’t a joke, but how could it not be? I’m nowhere near the social circle of girls who hope to lose their virginity to a bunch of drunken football players. I don’t want to be either, but at Roper, no one would believe that. Everyone at this school thinks all guys aspire to be football stars and all girls aspire to date them. Or get gangbanged by them. It’s all the same in this hayseed town.

At the sound of excited female voices entering the bathroom, I realize I completely missed the bell.

“I heard she paid him five hundred bucks to pick her,” one voice says.

“No way.”

“Yeah. She wanted it to look like he’s into her.”

Laughter fills the room. I close my eyes, my face flushed even though I’m safely hidden in a stall. Though I know the entire school is probably talking about me right now, I really don’t want to hear the conversations.

“You guys?” I recognize the high-pitched sound of Devin Morton’s voice. “Why would she do that? Gin’s a lesbian. I know that for a fact.”

I roll my eyes. Devin’s a gymnast who considers herself the Roper gossip authority. She pauses for dramatic effect and then continues.

“She checked me out when I was showering after gym one day. It was so gross. She was staring at my snatch and practically drooling.”

The cackles and groans of disgust make me sigh heavily. Devin’s a liar. I don’t go anywhere near the showers after gym class. I keep my head down, change clothes on the other side of the room and hope deodorant will be enough to get me through my last class without smelling. No public showers for me—gross.

“Chase is pissed, though.” I’m not sure who the voice belongs to, but I can’t help listening to it over the noise of others starting to fill the bathroom. “He just stared straight ahead during first period and didn’t talk to anyone.”

“He’s got a right to be pissed,” Devin says. “I can’t imagine any girl saying no to him, but Gin Fielding? Seriously?”

I clench my fists, resisting the urge to throw open the stall door and tell Devin to go fuck herself. The last thing I need is more attention. What I really want to do is walk back out the front doors of the school, drive home, and never come back.

I can’t, though. I’m too practical to even consider it. Even skipping first period was a big deal for me. As the voices start to filter out of the bathroom, I leave my stall of safety, shoulder my bag, and take a deep breath.

As soon as I walk out of the bathroom, the staring and whispering begins. I pass Raj on my way to class, and he gives me a quick nod and mouths, “You okay?” All I can muster is a halfhearted shrug.

I’m not okay. Chase Matthews just ruined my plan to lay low until graduation and then silently make my way out of here. Thanks to him, the entire school is talking about me. I’m done admiring him from afar. As of now, I despise him.

Lauren narrows her eyes at me in disgust as soon as she sits down across from me at our lunch table.

“What the hell?”

I shrug as I pass items to her from my lunch tray. “I’ve asked myself that same question at least a hundred times today.”

“It took balls to say no to him, Gin. Good for you.”

“It’s not like I could ever say yes,” I scoff and shrug.

She arches a brow in consideration. “If it was just Chase…I’d probably do it.”

Raj gives her a disapproving look as he sits down with his tray. He turns to me with a weak smile. “Hey. How’s it…you know, uh…?”

“I’m here.” I meet his eyes and he nods.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“It’s not your fault.”

“But still, it’s—”

He’s interrupted by a sharp female voice. “Hey, Gin.”

I look over my shoulder and see Melanie Pearson glaring at me, a couple of her friends snickering beside her. Melanie is a cheerleader and a devoted football-team groupie. I’m sure she’s got something rude to say.

“What?” I glare at her impatiently.

“Are you really a lesbian, or are you just frigid?”

“I’m just not interested.” I hold her challenging stare.

“Not…interested?” Her eyes widen, and she laughs humorlessly. “You mean because they have dicks?”

Lauren turns to her. “Did you know you don’t have to let every guy in the school stick his dick in you? Novel concept, I know.”

“I’m not saying every guy in the school.” Melanie rolls her eyes, crosses her arms, and looks between Lauren and me. “But Chase? He did you a huge favor, Gin. Huge. And you just—”

“Tell him you’ll take the rose,” I say with a shrug. “I don’t want it.”

“You can at least be honest and admit it’s because you’re a lesbian.”

I shake my head. “I’m not. I’d have no problem saying so if I were.”

She gives me a confused look. “Well, it’s not like you’re super religious and saving it for marriage. What’s the deal?”

Several people have stopped to eavesdrop. I sigh heavily and scowl at Melanie.

“Look, I just want to be left alone.”

“Is your vag deformed?” a male voice in the small crowd calls out.

There are several cackles. I could swear I hear a growling noise from Lauren before she stands up and dismisses everyone with a sweeping gesture.

“Fuck off, trolls. Go find some desperate whore to take the rose or something.” Her eyes narrow slightly, and she raises her voice. “I mean it, assholes. Fuck the fuck off.”

Everyone leaves. Raj is eating in silence, trying to look invisible as he nibbles at his sandwich.

I know that feeling. Wanting to be invisible. I don’t belong at the center of today’s Roper High School gossip. All I do here is show up, do my thing, and leave. I deserve to be left alone.

But instead, people are still staring and whispering. I eat my lunch in record time, keeping my expression impassive as I get up, dump my garbage, and walk across the cafeteria to leave. I’m called a bitch and a prude, but I ignore it, shoulder my backpack, and put my earbuds in.

There aren’t many places in the school I can go to be alone. After this morning, I’m over the Lysol-scented bathroom, so I head for the theater. I’ll go backstage and paint for the last few minutes of lunch hour.

As soon as I start walking down the locker-lined hallway, I replay the rose thing in my head. My only regret is not telling Chase to go fuck himself as soon as he looked at me. What was he thinking anyway?

I’m a nice person, despite what my inky black hair and lack of a smile may imply. I don’t talk about people, and I stand up for those who need it. I teach swim lessons to kids who need them for free. I’m a strong person but not a tough one. I couldn’t hurt another person for anything. It seems really unfair that I’m the object of such disgust and scorn over this rose thing.

What’s the big deal anyway? So I don’t want to give it up to the entire football team. Why can’t they just pick someone else and move on?

I’m almost at the end of the row of lockers when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn and see Chase, his expression stone-cold but his blue eyes dark with what looks like anger.

It’s all I can do not to shove him. How does he have the balls to be angry with me?

“What?” I demand, pulling out my earbuds and glaring at him.

“Can we talk?”

There’s a firm set to his jaw. I’ve only seen him wearing this expression, with a fire raging in his eyes, in football photos. This is the “fear me” look he gives opponents to intimidate them, I’m sure. It won’t work on me.

“If you plan to lecture me, don’t bother. You have absolutely no right to be upset with me, Chase, and I have every—”

“I’m not upset with you, Gin.”

“What’s with the look, then?”

“What look?”

I wave a hand, gesturing near his face. “The thing with your jaw, and your eyes…the look.”

“There’s no look.”

I arch my brows. It’s not like I can tell him I know all his expressions from years of crushing on him, but it’s the truth. I probably know his moods better than he knows them himself.

“Okay.” He gives a slight nod and looks away. “Maybe there’s a look, but it’s not directed at you. Not like you think it is anyway.”

“What more could you have to say? I just… Why would you do that to me?”

I hate how thick my voice is with emotion and the burning in my eyes from tears I’m holding back. As angry as I am, I’m also hurt, but I don’t want him knowing that.

“Gin—”

“You’re an asshole.” I clear my throat and steel myself.

He sighs heavily, meeting my gaze again. “Can we just talk?”

I shrug. “Talk. I’m right here.”

Chase glances up and down the hallway, turning back to me when he sees it’s empty other than the two of us. Still, he steps closer and speaks in a low tone.

“I was trying to do you a favor, and things just went to hell this morning.”

“A favor?” I gape at him in disbelief. “How is that a favor?”

His look of aggravation says it should be obvious. “You know, to help you…get noticed more.”

“Noticed?” I hiss. “Noticed for spreading my legs for the entire football team?”

“It’s not like that.”

“It is, though, Chase. It’s exactly like that.”

A vein in his neck stands out slightly as he scowls at me. “So you’ve been there? You’ve seen what happens at the parties?”

“Everyone knows.”

“Everyone thinks they know.”

I cross my arms and narrow my eyes at him. “Enlighten me, then. If it’s not a gang bang of a virgin, what is it?”

He rolls his eyes. “You make it sound so crass. It’s not like we’re all standing around switching off. And it’s consensual. Everyone’s enjoying it.”

“Well, I certainly wouldn’t be.”

His eyes soften. “Because you’re nervous? I can make sure it’s me if you want, Gin. Only me.”

My stomach flutters against my will. I’ve dreamed of Chase looking at me this way—seeing me, and only me, even if only for a moment. But not like this. Not because I’m offering myself up as his post-game celebration.

“No.” I shake my head for emphasis. “I just…can’t possibly.”

“Is it…” Chase clears his throat, glances at the other row of lockers and then looks back at me. “…I mean, do you really…you know, not prefer guys?”

A fire ignites inside me. “I definitely prefer guys, Chase,” I say hotly. “Just not drunken assholes who have no respect for others.”

“No respect?” He shakes his head and gives me a disgusted look. “Gin, you don’t have a clue. And you won’t even give me a chance to prove it to you.”

“A chance?” I clench my fists at my side. “You think I’d let you be my first, so you can show me that your sex game has some sort of meaning? It means nothing, except that football players are shallow assholes who can get their rocks off with any willing girl, and that girls don’t have enough respect for themselves to want more.”

“It’s consensual, Gin, how do you not see that? There’s nothing wrong with girls enjoying casual sex. Mia Kearney changed her mind in the middle last year, and I stopped, okay? I stopped. I’d never take advantage.”

For someone who breezes through the hardest classes at Roper High, he’s not all that smart. There are voices approaching as I say, “Look, it’s not happening. Pick someone else.”

“I can’t—” He stops, wraps a hand around the back of his neck, and then looks at me again. “I don’t want to. I want you to say yes.”

“So you don’t look bad in front of the whole school?” I ask bitterly.

He leans in. “So we don’t both look bad, Gin. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. It was supposed to be a good thing.”

“I’d much rather be called a bitch and a lesbian than go to that party.” I hike my bag up over my shoulder. “Don’t worry about me. Pick someone else.”

The voices get closer, and Chase leans in so close that I can smell his woodsy scent. “I’m not doing that. I’m gonna play hard tonight, and I promise you I’ll be the MVP. I promise it’ll be me, Gin. Only me if you want. And I hope you’ll be there after the game.”

I scoff and shake my head. “I promise you I won’t. No matter how good-looking you are and how long I’ve…never mind. It doesn’t matter. There’s no way.”

People are looking at us now, slowing down so they can listen to our conversation. I slide my earbuds back in, turn my back to Chase, and leave.

Why do I feel a twinge of disappointment? I’m disgusted with myself. It’s not that Chase wants me, but that he wants to save his reputation as Asshole Team Captain. I was right to say no. If he asked me a hundred times, I’d say no a hundred times.

Still, though. I never thought Chase Matthews would look at me that way. With intensity and desire in his eyes. I kind of liked it. I kind of liked it a lot.