Dylan

 

What the hell was I thinking? And I couldn’t even blame it on hormones. At least, not entirely. I was going to wait. Go to basic. Do the Army thing. Then in a few years come home and look her up. Maybe. And hope she didn’t have a boyfriend. Kissing her now, when I couldn’t make any promises, no commitments, was a jerk move.

Just now, just here in her backyard.

That’s what she said. But what kind of guy did that? Guys like Marshall.

Regret threatened to choke me where I sat. I loved this girl. She meant more to me than a few minutes making out in her parents’ backyard. She deserved better than that. Especially, so soon after that jerk Marshall.

“You deserve better than that, Ed.” I pushed the words passed my clenched jaw. I was so angry at myself for giving in.

Eden sat silently on the swing, her gaze locked on some point in the darkness. I reached for her hand, thankful she didn’t pull it away. Squeezing gently, I rubbed my thumb across her knuckles.

“I knew that was going to happen before I even came out here tonight. I just couldn’t stop myself from walking out the door and making my way into your backyard because I knew you’d be here.” She deserved my honestly. Hell, I deserved it.

“Then why did you apologize?” She tugged her hand, but I held on.

Sighing, I considered how much I should reveal. She was young. “I’m leaving, Ed. You’re Josh’s sister- no. Wait.” I stopped her progress away from me with my hands on her hips. Jeez, she’d been up off the swing before I even knew what was happening.

“I’m not a child, Dylan. I know I’m younger than you, but I’m not a child.” She was so hurt, her voice reminding me of when I picked her up on the street outside Jared’s house. I ached with the knowledge that I’d put the hurt there this time. I should have just gone to bed. I should have just apologized later for not saying goodbye. I was a selfish jerk.

“I know, Eden. I know. Please stay. Please.” I held onto her until I felt the tension leave her body and then I picked her up, settling her on my lap on the swing.  She didn’t need any further encouragement and nestled into my lap. As awkward as things could have become between us, I’d known this girl most of her life. While we’d never had a physical relationship, it wasn’t unusual for her to fall asleep on my shoulder on a long car ride for a family vacation or to lean against me while watching movies in her parents’ basement. Holding her was familiar.

Comfortable.

Thrilling.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Eden,” I finally said after a long silence where she lay snuggled against me as I used my feet to keep the swing moving. “I’m leaving, and I can’t make any promises or ask for anything from you.” I sighed, swiping my hand over my eyes. I was exhausted on all levels.

“I didn’t ask-”

“I know,” I interrupted. “I know, but you deserve promises. You deserve for the guy you give your kisses to commit to you. You need someone who will be around for Homecoming and Prom and Friday night dates. I won’t be.” Suddenly, I wanted to be. I wanted it badly. I wanted her badly.

Eden shook her head against my chest. “I know you’re leaving, Dill. I’m not asking for anything from you. I just, I just-” she broke off and took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m going to miss you. Hanging out with you- without Josh around. It’s been-”

She stopped again.

“Yeah. I know. It has been.” And I hadn’t been expecting it at all. Have I been attracted to Eden for a long time? Sure. But this? These freaking feelings? No. That was all new. Or at least I thought they were. I’ve wondered, though, if I haven’t just been deluding myself.

Ugh. I shook my head hoping to clear it. It didn’t even matter. I. Was. Leaving.

And Eden would finish high school. Jeez. I chuckled under my breath.

Eden lifted her head. “What?”

“Nothing,” I answered. I didn’t need to share every thought in my head with her.

“Dylan?” She laid her head back down and a sense of rightness settled over me.

“Yeah?” I threaded my fingers through her hair.

“Thank you.” I waited for her to say more but she didn’t.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything, Ed.” This girl.

“I do. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there for me. I needed someone, and you were there. I needed you.” Her palm came up to rest over my heart.

“I told you I would be.” I let my lips drop to the top of her head.

We rocked in silence, the night wrapped around us. Finally, Eden lifted her head once more, her eyes searching for mine in the moonlight. The invitation in them was clear and I was tempted.

“Just here,” she whispered. “Just now. The rest will work itself out.”

That’s what I reassured myself as my lips claimed hers again- just here. Just now. I’d worry about the rest later.