Eden

 

It was harder than I thought it would be to put Dylan t of my mind. The letters in by bedside drawer taunted me. I read them over and over as well as the ones we’d exchanged while Dylan was in basic. I thought about responding to his newest letter but didn’t know what I would say.

I was taking a break at work on a Thursday evening when I got a text. After communicating with old fashioned snail mail it was something of a shock. Which was ridiculous.

 

Dylan: Hey.

 

I stared at the one little word in the blue bubble on my phone for a good five minutes, my mind racing. I wanted to respond. With all my heart, I wanted to let him reach out to me this way. But the small part that had more control over me than I wanted to admit, wanted to ignore him.

 

Dylan: I know you saw my text, Ed. I can see the read receipt.

 

Dang! I went to the settings to turn that off. See? Technology wasn’t all that great.

 

Dylan: Please.

 

The war raged. Respond? Or not? For the millionth time since I heard about Dylan’s accident, I thought of the pain he’d endured, both physically and mentally and the desire to reach out was almost more than I could take. Finally, I decided I had to answer. I just had to.

 

Me: Are you okay?

 

Dylan

 

Relief. Pure. Soul-deep. Relief. I’d had an inkling, an idea how much I needed contact with Eden. It had been even more apparent when I’d sent her those letters and she didn’t respond. But nothing could have prepared me for the emotions rolling through me as I read Eden’s text. Staring at my phone screen, my eyes blurred, and I had to blink away the excess moisture blocking my view of the evidence that she had reached out. That back home, in her room or wherever she was, Eden was connected to me through my phone. It wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough. But it was more than I’d expected. More than I’d hoped for.

With shaking hands, I texted her back.

 

Me: I’m okay.

Eden: I’m really glad.

 

Wiping a hand over my tired face, I wondered where to go from here. There were so many things I wanted to say to her. So many things that needed to be said. But now wasn’t the time. I had work to do and I was willing to do it. I’d lost her trust. It wasn’t going to be easy to regain it and it shouldn’t be. I’d hurt her. Regardless of the fact I hadn’t meant to, I’d still done it and it was my job to fix it, not hers.

 

Me: Did you get my letters?

 

I already knew from Allie she had.

 

Eden: Yes.

Me: Good.

 

I wanted to keep talking to her, anything to keep the connection alive but I had no idea what to say to her. My thumb hovered over the icon on my phone that would call her. But I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready for the rejection. I wasn’t ready to hear the anger in her voice if she even still cared enough to be angry. Or her indifference if she didn’t.

Something had happened to me. It was so cliché. Life and death kind of things. Like your life flashing through your mind as you plummet, moments from your demise. But, I swear, that’s exactly what happened, so fast it seemed almost impossible that I could consciously recognize them. But I did. I thought about my mom and how much my death would hurt her, especially after what happened to my dad. I thought about Derrick and how good he’d been to me even though I wasn’t his kid. I wished I had a chance to tell him how much that meant to me and for the opportunity to have a better relationship with him. My mind flipped through all the things I would miss in the lives of my brother and sister. Games. Graduation. Marriages. Kids.

And then there was Eden. Even as I struggled with the parachute, my training taking over as I tried the fail safes that were in place, Eden’s was the face I knew I last wanted to see. I felt her in my arms. I tasted her kisses. Her smile imprinted on my soul.

And regret. Regret sliced through me more painfully than I imagined impact with the ground could possibly feel.

I’d been wrong to turn her away.

And I knew if by some miracle I came out of this alive, I was going to fix it.

As it turned out, I finally was able to get my parachute to deploy. I still hit the ground with more force than I thought I possibly could and still survive but when I woke up in the hospital, my first thoughts were of Eden. I was out of my head with wanting to call her. See her. Hold her. But I held back. It had been more than two years since I’d contacted her. I’d avoided her like it was my job. Only going home when I knew she would be out of town. No one else knew or realized. My parents just thought I was too busy. Josh was easy, I’d visited him several times at school.

I just knew if I was near her, I would have to see her. And if I saw her, there was no way I wasn’t going to beg her for a repeat of the kisses we’d shared before I left. And that wasn’t fair to her. Was it? I’d thought I was doing the right thing when I told her we shouldn’t communicate anymore. All I wanted to do was not interfere with her opportunity to have the full high school experience- sans a long-distance boyfriend. And I knew if we’d kept on like we were, that’s what we would have been.

Glancing at my phone screen again, I thought about my conversation with Allie. I’d been shocked as all hell when she called me out of the blue, but I was also glad. Allie knew Eden better than anyone and she’d given me hope.

 

Me: Thank you.

 

It was a few minutes before she responded.

 

Eden: Talk to you later.

 

I hoped so.