Chapter 17

Eden

 

You can do this! I tried to give myself a pep-talk before school on Monday. Dylan would be there any second to give me a ride and I was thinking about texting him that I was sick and couldn’t go. He would know that wasn’t the truth, though, telling me I’d have to go back sometime so why not rip off that band-aid. Except I didn’t want to rip off the band-aid. I wanted to crawl back into my bed until graduation.

“Ugh,” I groaned out loud and fell face first onto my blanket. A car horn honked from out front, but I ignored it. My stomach lurched. Maybe I really was sick. Totally sick at the thought of running into Marshall today. Sick at the thought of the looks I was going to get for being his weekend hookup after the game. All weekend long, the things Marshall said...after, things began to fall into place. The warnings from Connor and Dylan. The way Marshall had taken to me so easily. The way I’d let him take me so easily.

My cheeks burned with humiliation and disappointment. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.

“Hey,” Dylan’s voice from the doorway to my room startled me from my misery, almost.

“What do you want,” I grumbled from beneath my pillow.

His weight settled on the bed beside me as he sat down. His hand yanked lightly on a lock of my hair as he pulled the pillow off my face. I buried it into the comforter. “Come on, Ed. You gotta face it sometime. May as well get it over with.”

See? I knew he’d say that. “No. I don’t want to.”

“Where’s that strong girl who wouldn’t let Josh and me flick ants to see who could get them to go the farthest?” His hand rubbed a brusque circle on my shoulder blade.

“That was just cruel.” Boys were so dumb sometimes. All the time.

“They’re ants,” Dylan defended their barbarism.

“It was still mean,” I mumbled into my blanket.

“Fine. And you saved them like the cute little avenging angel you are. Don’t let an asshole like Marshall Simpkins take that away from you, Ed. Don’t let him think you are anything less than you are: the sweetest, toughest, strongest, most beautiful girl I know.” He said all that with a straight face.

I rolled over and faced him. “Laying it on a little thick aren’t you, Dill?”

He grinned. “I don’t know. Are you going to get out of this bed like a good girl and go face your demons at school?”

“I don’t want to face them.” My voice sounded small, even in my own head.

Dylan frowned. “Them who? I was just talking about Marshall.”

I turned my head toward the wall. Away from Dylan. “I don’t want to be known as Marshall Simpkins’ latest hookup. The girl he used and tossed aside. That isn’t who I am.”

“Of course, that isn’t who you are. Are you kidding me?” Dylan gripped my chin gently in his hand and turned my face toward his. “Look, Ed, you’re never going to be able to control what people think of you. All you have to worry about is if you are okay with you, who you are on the inside. And I think you have plenty to be okay about. Proud of, in fact. So, let’s get you to school before you’re tardy and I have to explain to your parents why you were late.” He started to get up from the bed, but I stopped him with a hand on his arm.

With tears heating my eyes, I asked, “What if I’m not okay with who I am? And what I did?”

“Aw, Ed,” Dylan shook his head and hauled me up into a hug. I nestled my head on his broad chest, deciding it was a lovely place to be, even better than my bed and maybe I should stay right there instead. “You can’t let jerks like Marshall determine your self-worth. You made a mistake going out with him-”

“Dill, I did more than go out with him-”

“I know. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do things differently from here on out, right? One incident doesn’t have to define you, Eden.” His hand drew lazy circles on my back, but his shoulders were tense, and I had the feeling he was holding back from saying anything more.

I rubbed my cheek against the soft fabric of his t-shirt. “I’m going to miss you when you leave.”

Dylan’s hand on my back froze. I shouldn’t have said that. I lifted my face off his chest, needing to put some distance between us. Tentatively, I met his gaze. His brow was furrowed, and his jaw worked mercilessly as he fought to say something. Or to not say it. Finally, his brow smoothed out and he pressed a quick kiss to my forehead.

“I’m gonna miss you too, Ed.” Without warning, he stood up from the bed, lifting me off with him. “Let’s get you to school,” he said after setting me on my feet.

It was useless to object. He was right, I had to go sometime. I might as well get it over with. Some things got better with time, others were made worse. Avoiding Marshall and kids at school wouldn’t solve anything.

Dylan headed out of my room and I followed after grabbing my backpack off the floor of my room.

On the way to school, Dylan turned the radio to the local Top 20 station and sang along with me even though I knew he preferred listening to alternative rock. He stopped at the curb in front of the school and waited until I was out with my bag on my shoulders.

“Thanks, Dill,” I said, and I meant it. Dylan had been there for me when I really needed someone. When I really needed only him.

“You have my number,” he called out just as I was shutting the door.

I looked back with a smile and wave before heading into the school and was rewarded with a smirk and a wink. Shaking my head, I headed into school, with my heart about to beat out of my chest with anxiety.

I don’t know what I expected. I felt like I should have a big red letter A emblazoned on my chest and so I walked with my head down because I didn’t want to see the faces of the other people around me as I made my walk of shame to my locker. But that wasn’t really what was going on at all. Instead of looks of pity or scorn, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. No one looked at me one way or another. Just like always.

Once at my locker, I took the time to analyze my feelings. Having sex in and of itself wasn’t shameful to me, necessarily. It was more the circumstances. I wasn’t ready, and it happened with someone I realized didn’t care about me at all. Too much. Too fast. And the last thing I wanted to be known as was an easy girl who hooked up with football players. I’m not. I didn’t want to be. And my fear walking into school was that I would now have this awful reputation that just wasn’t me.

I’d agonized over what to wear to school today. I considered the reaction of both Dylan and Marshall to the clothes I’d worn the first week of school and I’d come to understand the difference. While I believed guys should always show girls respect, it was naive to think they all did. Dylan’s outraged reaction to the way I dressed, showing off more skin than I ever had before, was because he cared about me. Because he respected me.

Marshall’s reaction, on the other hand, was born of disrespect and the idea that he could interpret some message he thought I was sending through my wardrobe as permission to treat me with disrespect. He couldn’t. But I didn’t know. I didn’t realize. Until it was too late, and I was in a situation I didn’t want to be in and had no idea how to get out of.

I let my desire to have a boyfriend cloud my judgement. I should have known just by the way Marshall treated me and the way I was told he treated other girls, that he wasn’t really a good guy. I should never have let him kiss me the way I did without an understanding between us about our relationship.

I should never have met him under the bleachers.

I should never have lied to my parents to be with him.

I should never have to lie to my parents to be with a guy.

What was I thinking? And I dragged Allie into it, even though she didn’t know, and that was just so wrong. I felt sick just thinking about it. Anything could have happened, and my parents wouldn't have known where to find me. They would have called Allie’s mom and my actions could have gotten Allie in trouble.

Then, there was Dylan. I put him in such a tough situation calling him the way I did. Staying at his house the way I did. I was beyond thankful that he came to get me. That he took care of me. But things could have gone so differently. Things could have been much worse.

And I never wanted to be in that situation again. Ever.

That’s why I dreaded coming to school. I didn’t want the label that could come from doing what I’d done. It was why I didn’t even know what to wear. I didn’t want to hear the words that could have been said about me. Skank. Slut. Easy. So, I chose a pair of skinny jeans with canvas tennis shoes and a floral blouse. I felt more comfortable than I had in days. And Dylan hadn’t frowned at me with that worried expression he’d had all month.

I was later than usual, so I made my way to my first period without looking for Allie. I’d already texted her to head to class without me. I was sure I wouldn’t see Marshall at all that day unless I sought him out, which I wouldn’t. But when I turned the corner to head to Algebra, he was there, leaning against the wall across from the room.

My plan was to ignore him, but once I got a load of his face, I couldn’t. Instead, I did a double, then triple take.

“What happened-,” I started to say.

“Don’t act like you don’t know.” He pushed off the wall, his books tucked in his hand at his side as he walked toward me. A quick glance around the hall told me we were mostly alone. The bell would ring any second. He was going to be late to his first period class which I knew was on the whole other side of the building.

Marshall stared at me through a swollen left eye. His right cheek was split open and was currently being held together with butterfly bandages.

“I really don’t know.” And I didn’t. What the heck had happened to him?

“You can tell your guard dog to leave me alone. I got suspended from the game this weekend because coach thought I got into a fight.” Anger burned from his eyes as he stood above me, fists clenched and shoulders tight.

“Guard dog- oh.” Suddenly, Dylan’s split knuckles didn’t seem so suspicious. Shaking my head, I tried to explain. “I never told him to do that.” Although, now I wish I had. Taking credit for the state of his face would be fun.

“Right,” Marshall scoffed, his lips twisted with anger. “I didn’t do anything you didn’t want me to do. You’ve been throwing yourself at me for weeks.”

Shame burned my cheeks. He was right. I had thrown myself at him. I’d sent him all the wrong signals and that part was on me. But I didn’t care what Marshall thought anymore. And I didn’t feel bad for him, not one bit. He’d used me and treated me like dirt. Maybe he deserved what Dylan gave him.

“Whatever. Bye, Marshall.” Without waiting for a response, I headed into my class.

Everything was going to be okay. I faced this day and I faced Marshall. I wasn’t going to let some guy ruin me. Instead, I threw back my shoulders and found my seat. Who needed boys anyway? I certainly didn’t. Tomorrow, I’d get my driver’s license and my independence. Things were about to change.

 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Dylan lately,” Allie commented over lunch, a mischievous glint in her eye.

“You know I hate Dylan. He’s just bored because Josh is gone. Besides he leaves tomorrow.” I wasn’t even going to go there.

Allie quirked a brow like she didn’t believe me. “Whatever happened with Marshall? I thought you were digging him?”

I tried not to react. I hadn’t talked to Allie much over the last few days. She’d been busy hanging out with Connor and I’d been busy hiding in my room. Not that I planned to tell her anything about what happened with Marshall anyway.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t think we’re all that compatible. He’s a little too Neanderthal for me, you know?”

Allie nodded slowly, watching me carefully. “Connor said he thought he saw you at Jared’s party, but he wasn’t sure it was you. I guess Brittany was drinking too much and so he didn’t search you out.”

How much should I tell her? I talked to dozens of people at that party. And while most of them were drunk, surely someone would remember seeing me. I didn’t want to lie to Allie, especially if there was a chance she’d find out about it from someone else.

“I did go. With Marshall.”

Allie’s eyes widened. “Really? How was it? Connor said it was a crazy party. He finally broke up with Brittany because of it. He hates that kind of thing and he said she was out of control drinking and flirting.”

“What? Connor broke up with Brittany?” That was the first I’d heard of that. I wondered if this was it, if Connor would look at Allie and not just look but do something about it.

“Yeah, I can’t say I’m upset about it. I hope the next girlfriend is someone nicer.” Allie’s mouth twisted, and I imagined the words tasted as sour as they sounded.

“She’s gonna be super nice, because she’s gonna be you,” I teased her.

Allie’s eyes widened before she could control them, but her blush told another story. “Stop it. You know things aren’t like that with us.”

Gazing heavenward, I shook my head. “Just don’t be upset when your man is walking the halls with his next skank on his arm.”

Allie sat quietly before returning to our previous topic. One I wanted to avoid. “So, you and Marshall?”

I shrugged, sipping on my Diet Coke. “I don’t think Marshall and I will go out again. I don’t want to be a part of that crowd. Honestly, I think I’m just fine without a boyfriend. Who needs that drama?”

Allie slapped her hands down on the table on either side of her lunch tray. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

Grinning, I shook my head. “I mean it, Al. Boys are just too much work.” Dylan’s face flashed through my mind. Definitely more work than they were worth.

“I can’t believe those words just came out of your mouth.” Allie looked dumbfounded. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” She reached across the table and put her hand on my forehead. “You don’t feel too warm, but maybe you should go to the nurse just in case.”

“Funny.” I swatted her hand away from my face.

Allie grinned. “So, what are you going to do if you aren’t going to get a boyfriend?”

“Get a job.” Less drama and more money.

“Really?” Allie smiled. “Where?”

I shrugged. “I start tonight at that salon on the corner of Main and Bridgewater.”

“Really? Why didn’t you tell me?” Allie seemed excited on my behalf. She was a good friend.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I forgot about it.” And I kind of had forgotten what with all the drama this weekend.”

“That’s a perfect job for you.” Allie’s head bobbed her approval.

It really was.

 

Dylan

 

I was leaving. The next day I’d be on my way to Fort Benning in Georgia. I felt nervous. Excited. Torn.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Eden. I’d taken her to school this morning since she wouldn’t get her license until tomorrow morning. Her mom had picked her up after school and dropped her off at her new job at the salon. I wanted to go over and see her after she was done with work, but Mom and Derrick had insisted on taking everyone out to dinner. I think Mom was too emotional to cook, besides she’d made me all my favorite things last night. The twins still didn’t know how to react to my leaving. I’d taken the time once we got home to mess around with them on the trampoline in the backyard. I was going to miss them.

But now, in my dark room just waiting for sunrise, I knew I couldn’t leave without seeing her one more time.

Glancing at my phone in my hand, I opened to the message screen with the thread of texts from Eden. There had been a lot more of them over this last month. Probably more than in all the time I’d known her before I started driving her to school this year. It was weird how things changed.

Sighing, I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hand. I was tired. But not too tired.

 

Me: Hey, you up?

Eden: Kinda

Me: What does that mean?

Eden: It means I’m in bed but I’m still awake

 

Oh, man. That was not an image I needed in my head. Especially since having seen her in bed. My bed.

 

Eden: What time do you leave in the morning?

Me: Early. 6

Eden: Wow. What are you still doing up?

Me: I can’t sleep

Eden: How come

Me: Cuz there’s this little cute girl I haven’t said goodbye to yet

Eden: Haha.

Eden: I thought you’d come over

 

Uh. Raking my hands through my hair, I considered what I was about to do next. I wanted to see her. Badly. But it was late. And dark. And cold outside. If I went over there, I’d be tempted. Severely tempted.

But I needed to see her.

 

Me: How about now

Eden: What? Now? Where?

Me: Yes now. Outside. It’s not that cold. Meet me in five in your backyard.

 

I didn’t want her walking any further than that in the dark alone. It took her a minute to respond.

 

Eden: Yeah. Okay. See you in a sec.

 

I hurried to put on a pair of jeans and pull a sweatshirt over my head all while ordering my heart to calm the hell down.

 

Eden

 

What am I doing? What am I doing?

Sneaking out of my house to meet a guy? I thought I was done with that stupidity! But this was Dylan, not some guy. Not Marshall. Dylan could never be like Marshall. Besides, it wasn’t like Dylan was trying to get anything from me. He just wanted to say goodbye before he left in the morning. That was it. Just because I’d been feeling all out of sorts for the last few days knowing he would be leaving, didn’t mean he felt anything more than friendship for me. Did it?

The house was quiet, my parents were both asleep. The Army sweatshirt Dylan loaned me lay across my desk chair. Grabbing it, I slipped it over my head and over his t-shirt, which I’d been sleeping in almost every night. It was too chilly for shorts outside, so I pulled on a pair of flannel pajama pants over Dylan’s shorts. Socks and flip-flops weren’t usually my thing, but I shoved my toes into them anyway and made my way down the stairs and out the back door.

Dylan was already there, standing with his hands in his jeans pockets. When he saw me, his face split into an easy grin and my heart almost stopped. After carefully making sure the door was closed, I turned, moving quickly down the porch steps to the yard. Dylan opened his arms and without thinking about it too much- I ran into them.

I was made to fit into his arms. Everything about him felt right. The cool of the night air disappeared as I pressed my face into his chest. Dylan folded my body close and just held me, his cheek rubbing back and forth against the top of my head, my hair catching in his whiskers. Inhaling deeply, I memorized his scent. Body wash. Sawdust. Outside.

After what seemed like forever, he pulled away while still holding me close. Lifting my head off his chest, I met his gaze. A thrill of awareness shot through my body. Dylan’s eyes darted to my lips and I watched with fascination as he licked his own. My heart thundered with anticipation. Was Dylan Coulter going to kiss me?

 

Dylan

 

What was I doing? Holding her like this? But, damn it felt perfect. Eden fit in my arms like I was made to hold her. We were closer than we’d ever been. Physically, right this moment, but also the closest we’ve ever been as friends, if that’s what this was.

When my eyes met hers, all I could think about was kissing her. But I couldn’t. Could I? My scrambled brain fought to remember all the reasons this was a bad idea.

She was too young.

She was Josh’s sister.

I was leaving in less than eight hours. The last thing I wanted to do was toy with her emotions, especially after what happened between her and Marshall.

My gaze settled on her lips. Would it be so bad? Just once?

“Just do it,” she whispered.

What?

I shook my head to clear it. Eden reached up, her hands framing my face. I closed my eyes. Her fingertips grazed the stubble I’d have to shave off in the morning. And then her thumb traced the outline of my bottom lip. I kissed it. Eden’s quick intake of breath had me opening my eyes again, immediately finding hers. The mask fell completely from my face and I let a little of the emotion I felt reach my eyes. Eden gasped. Keeping my gaze fixed on hers, I turned just until my lips reached her palm. She trembled.

“Please, Dylan,” she rasped.

“Eden-” my voice was in no better shape than hers. I shook my head. This was crazy.

Stupid.

Amazing.

With her hands on my cheeks, Eden turned my face back to hers.

“Just-” she paused, glancing down. “Just here. Just now. Nothing more.”

Shaking my head again, I wished I had the willpower to walk away. Eden couldn’t be this casual thing. A last-minute hookup before I shipped out. She meant more to me than that.

“Just one kiss, Dylan.”

She didn’t know what she was saying.

How could I live with myself if I did this?

How could I live if I didn’t?

“Just us. Here in my backyard. Just a-”

 

Eden

 

He did it. Before I could finish the word, his lips were on mine. At first, I was too stunned to register what was happening, but this was no school yard peck on the lips. No. Dylan kissed me and by the time I caught up, he was still there. His warm lips moving against mine. And it was- everything.

“I’m sorry.” His lips broke away from mine just long enough to say the words before he was kissing me again.

Shaking my head, I kissed him back. Dylan’s arms tightened around my body. “Don’t be sorry,” I said against his lips.

“Eden-” I didn’t let him finish. It did something to me when he called me Eden. His hands gripped my upper arms and he broke away from me, his eyes tortured.

“Ed. Your family. I’m leaving. I didn’t mean to-”

It took some effort to focus my own emotion laden eyes. Dylan’s face glowed in the moonlight. His expression made me want to hide.

Regret.

Shame.

My cheeks burned with embarrassment. Glancing away so he couldn’t see the tears forming in my eyes, I pulled my arms from his grasp and took a step away, needing distance.

“No, Ed. Don’t.” He reached for me, but I leaned away, walking further into the yard toward a swing near the back fence close to a water feature my mom made my dad install a couple of years ago. I loved sitting out here listening to the water, swinging, thinking about life. Or just taking a nap. I settled myself onto the swing and wrapped my arms across my stomach feeling every bit of three years younger than Dylan.

I tried to convince myself it was just a matter of misplaced hero worship. Dylan had been there for me when I needed him, had continued to be there when I needed him. And he was a guy. What was he supposed to do when I all but begged him to kiss me?

Dylan’s weight made the swing jump for a couple of seconds before settling again.