Eden

 

“Holy crap, Eden. Is this new or has your life always been this interesting and I’ve just been missing out?” Allie sat back in the booth at our favorite place to get shakes, a diner on the edge of town. Connor was supposed to meet us in a few minutes and then he and Allie had plans to spend the rest of the day together.

“This isn’t funny.”

“What isn’t funny,” Connor asked as he approached the booth. “Hey, beautiful,” he said softly, leaning in to kiss Allie soundly on her lips.

“Connor.” Allie melted into the vinyl upholstery while I tried not to gag. Connor slid easily onto the bench beside Allie, his arms wrapping around her as though they just couldn’t help themselves. He offered me a quick smile then turned back to Allie.

“What isn’t funny,” he asked again.

Allie glanced at me a little guiltily. I rolled my eyes and nodded. Of course, she’d told Connor everything.

“Eden got another letter from Dylan.”

Connor’s eyes widened as he leaned over the table. “Really? What did it say?”

Folding my arms across my chest, I glared at them. “This is my life, not reality tv!”

“This is better than reality tv. This is my best friend getting her happily ever after,” Allie said earnestly.

While the sentiment warmed my heart, Allie was reaching just a bit. Okay, a lot a bit. “Allie!”

“Well, come on. What did it say?” Connor asked again before taking a long sip of Allie’s shake.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t open it.”

Both of their jaws dropped. “What,” Allie exclaimed.

“Are you serious?” Connor shook his head. “I gotta hand it to you, Eden, you have more self-control than I do.”

“You don’t even know what Eden just told me, either,” Allie said and then proceeded to fill Connor in about Dylan’s accident.

“Wow. That’s awful.” Connor’s concern touched my heart. “I can’t believe you didn’t read that letter.”

“I just- It’s just-” Ugh, seriously, how to explain to these two lovebirds? “You guys don’t get it. You don’t know how it is-”

Connor snorted. “You mean, we don’t know how it is to not understand what’s going through the other person’s head? Or that we don’t understand feeling insecure and unsure about revealing your feelings?”

Allie giggled.

“Okay, so maybe you do understand a little bit. But it’s not like either of you pushed the other away for no reason without explanation.” They just didn’t get it.

“I don’t know about that,” Connor commented wryly, glancing at Allie who blushed and then leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

Allie met my confused gaze and shrugged. “I guess you aren’t the only one who’s kept some secrets.”

Growling, I set my shake down on the table with a thud. “He’s the one that cut things off. I never pushed him for any kind of commitment. I knew things were going to be crazy for him. I never tried to pressure him.” I thought about that night in my backyard. Just here. Just now. That’s all we’d ever promised each other. I never asked for more than that. “So, why did he do that?”

Allie shook her head. She had nothing.

Connor, on the other hand, was looking at us like we were imbeciles. “Really, you don’t know?”

Allie’s head swung around to face him. “What do you mean? You know?

Connor nodded. “Sure, it’s guy logic at its finest.”

“Oh, my goodness,” Allie and I both cried. Allie punched his arm while I tossed my balled-up straw wrapper at him.

“I’m serious,” Connor defended as he grabbed Allie’s hand to keep it from beating on him. “Listen, I know you girls don’t believe this, but guys get vulnerable, too.” He paused, waiting for that to sink in.

“I know that,” I said wondering when the guy voodoo was going to kick in because Connor wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know.

“Look, Dylan is your older brother’s best friend. I know you don’t get guy code but there are rules about that kind of thing. Dylan risks his oldest and best friendship by even looking at you cross-eyed let alone with any ideas that could get him kneed in his manhood.”

“Why are guys such Neanderthals,” Allie asked, her brows furrowed in the center of her forehead.

Connor reached up to smooth the wrinkle away. “It is what it is. Aside from that, Dylan’s three years older than her and he had just joined the Army. What was he supposed to do? Drag a girl he cares about through a long-distance relationship while she’s in high school? No. Dylan did what he had to do.” Connor sat back, satisfied that he’d made his point.

“So, he had to break Eden’s heart? Is that it,” Allie asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

Connor saw the writing on the wall. With a sigh, he shook his head and then kissed Allie’s temple. “See what I mean? Guy logic. Girl logic.”

 

Connor’s theories aside, it took everything I had to open that third envelope a couple of hours later. Closed up in my own room, I unfolded the letter. I had no idea what to expect. The other two letters had been short, only one line each. This one was different.

 

Dear Eden,

I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. I guess you’ve probably heard about my accident. I can’t do a lot of the things I used to. I go into work, but they’ve got me doing a desk job working for my CO (commanding officer). It’s okay. He’s a good guy. It just isn’t what I signed up for. It won’t be long before I get chaptered out. I’m just waiting on all this stupid medical stuff to get figured out.

So, yeah, between work a few hours a day and physical therapy, I have a lot of time to think about all the things I’ve been pushing out of my head for the last few years. Mostly you. I’ve had a chance to think about how I could have handled things differently. I never wanted to hurt your feelings, Ed. I never meant I looked through our letters from before and I recognized things in the words we shared back then that I didn’t really understand at the time. I missed clues. I, this is hard.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know I was stupid before and I miss you. I miss your friendship. My biggest regret is that I ruined things between us because I was, well I don’t know what I was. Stupid. An idiot. And I hurt the person I’d come to care for more than anyone else in this world. And I’m sorry, Ed.

I don’t know if you can forgive me. I don’t know if we can ever be friends again. But I have to try, or I will never forgive myself.

Your stupid (hopeful) friend,

Dylan

What was I supposed to do with that? A part of me wanted to rip the letter to shreds and never think about Dylan again. Another part of me wanted to spill my guts in a letter, telling him all the ways he’d hurt me, all the ways I missed him. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to have hope that maybe we could go back in time and develop those fragile feelings from long ago.

But most of all I wanted to hide my heart. I wanted to build another layer of protection around it brick by brick until I was sure there was no way Dylan could break it down. I’d been foolish before to think I could leave any emotion Dylan’s kisses brought out in me in my backyard. I couldn’t. He meant too much. Those kisses meant too much.

Now what? I didn’t know. And so, I sat on it. Not literally. No, the actual letters, I stuffed back into my drawer and tried to forget about them.