There was a loud knock on the bedroom door, and I paused David Guetta’s ‘I’ll Keep Loving You’ on the iPod as my dad entered.
“Sweetheart, I love you, but that song… It’s been on repeat for the past two days.”
“Deal with it,” I muttered with a blank expression as I kept on staring at the ceiling. “I like it.”
“Maybe there’s something a little more…” He lingered, leaving the unspoken word hanging in the air.
Blinking, I turned my head to see him in the doorway. “You mean, something happier?”
“Could it help?”
Maybe I did not want it to help.
I instantly went into depression mode after crying my eyes out on the drive home. Since I came back here, moping around in my old bed, I had only gotten up to shower and use the bathroom. I did nothing else. I ate all my meals, though. Surprisingly, I was hungry, which I did not think I would be.
Perhaps I was turning into a fat, depressed slob who ate her feelings away. Yeah, that was it.
“Dear… I don’t mean to be—”
“I told you to leave her alone.” My mother shooed him away and popped her head in, giving me a sad smile as she left the room and closed the door.
They let me be after that, leaving me to press play once again and listen to the same song over and over. It was the only way I knew to describe my feelings. I would love him. I did love him. I would always love him, and at this moment, I could not see a life without him in it.
I had done the hard part and walked away. However, deep down, I was still wishing that he chased after me—that he would come begging for me to stay and make all those promises I wanted to hear from him. Even if I very well knew that they were not true, I knew I would have stayed—and that was the worst part.
I lost myself to him. I gave him my all, and for what? I got nothing in return. Well, maybe a good fuck, but that was about it.
He had called me—not right away, though—the next day. The realisation that I actually was not coming back and that I was really gone and done with the drama that came with him must have finally hit his thick skull. Karen. Gahh! Just thinking about her had me glaring at the ceiling as I sat up and reached over to my bedside table, grabbing hold of my phone.
Griffin. My eyes began to fill up, blurring his name into a puddle of tears.
His name flashed over the screen again. I had not called anyone, but he drained my battery from the number of times he kept calling. They started at eleven am yesterday, and he was still calling every half an hour today. He never left a voice message. He just kept calling, and I ignored them all every single time.
It was killing me not to pick up and say hello. It was not like he could persuade me into coming back to him. I did not have a car. I had left the keys with him at the house. It was his, in the first place. I was only driving it. Being here, it gave me the time to think about everything we had been through. That was all I had been doing, and it was only making me angrier and more pissed off with him.
How I missed the boys, though. I regretted that I did not say goodbye to them, but I could not. It would have made things too hard. They were great kids, and I loved them like my own. Mack and I shared a bond. Toby was always the smart ass, but not once did he miss giving me a kiss and cuddle me good night.
Then again, there was her, and I could not compete with that.
Karen was always his number one. They have some sick emotional affair. Even if Griffin did not realise it, that was what it was. Whatever. They were always texting and talking. Her constant visits did my head in, and I knew if I stayed, I was going to be the girl who whined and sulked. That was not me.
I could have easily told him about the plan I had overheard from his mother and Karen, but like I said, I was not that girl. I did not do drama. Probably why I did not really have a female best friend. It was mostly Harvey and the girls at the café. I needed a life again. Playing house made me happy—until it didn’t.
Becoming fed up, I answered the phone in a huff through the silent tears that were still coming from my eyes. I thought I would have cried them all away by now. “What!”
“You answered.” He breathed out. “Don’t hang up.”
“You’ve got to stop calling me. I mean it. Just leave me alone.”
“Is that what you want? You want me to stop calling?” He sounded as if he had not slept a wink since I left.
I was silent. Was it what I wanted? Truthfully, no, but it was what I needed.
“Griffin,” I whispered, tears rolling down my cheeks. “Please. I need space.”
“I need you.”
His words brought a sob to my mouth that I was sure he heard as I ended the call and silenced the phone. Throwing it across the room, I fell face first into my pillow, sobbing loud howls of heartache that felt like they would never end.
The next time I woke from that blackness of doom, I closed my eyes again and rolled over. I did not want to be awake. Couldn’t I just sleep until the pain ripping my heart out ends? Not that easy, apparently.
Noticing a woollen blanket over my body, I kicked it off with my feet. My bladder felt ready to explode, so I walked to the bathroom, yawning. Going downstairs, I heard voices in the kitchen, and for the tiniest moment, I assumed that he was here. I hoped.
“Hey, sleepy head. You’re finally up.”
I eyed him, confused. Was I dreaming? “Harvey?” I asked. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, your...”
“I called him, hoping he’d be able to get you out of that bed you’ve been in for days,” Dad spoke up, looking quite pleased with himself. “Plus, he kept asking how you were. Nice boy he is.”
Mum sighed, rolling her eyes as she stood from the table. “I had no idea about this, but you can imagine my reaction. Something to eat?”
“Umm, yeah... I guess, and you called him?” Oh no. He told him. “Dad, I told you I’m fine.”
“Horse shit, young lady.” He scoffed. “You’re not fine, and be damned if I’ll let my little princess sit in her room, crying for days.”
“It’s been two.” I reminded.
“Long enough. Now, sit and eat.”
He could lecture me and think he was helping, but he was not. Harvey was not someone I wanted to see just yet. I had planned on locking myself away from everyone to deal with all of this… grieve or whatever for the loss of my fucked-up relationship with a man who did not deserve me. Yes, he never deserved me.
Maybe at the start, but not now.
Sitting down, I rubbed a hand over my stomach. It was cramping up a bit. Must be hunger pains. “So you just drove down here?” I asked, finally looking up at Harvey.
“Yeah, is that not okay?” he asked, somewhat cautious.
I shrugged. My hair was a mess, and my eyes were puffy. I was in my pyjamas and did not really care. I had no intention of impressing anyone. I was not sure if I had even brushed my teeth since coming here.
“It’s fine,” I said back as Mum placed a full plate of veggies and roast meat in front of me.
“You’re looking a little thin. Just want to make sure you’re eating well.” A for effort, Mum.
“Thanks.”
Normally, I had a thing where I could not eat in front of others if they were not eating, but that went out the window tonight as I dug in hungrily. It was so good that I finished with a piece of bread to soak up the leftover gravy on my plate.
Like I said, I was not trying to impress anyone.
“Why don’t we go for a walk?” Harvey suggested after dinner.
I shook my head. “Not really in the mood to walk around.”
“What about roasting marshmallows?”
That got my attention. Not wanting to admit it, I looked up and pursed my lips. “Just to the fire pit. I’m not going anywhere else.”
I wondered for a moment if Griffin had found all the camping gear I hid in the car. I hoped the milk in the esky spilled somehow and left a curdled, smelly mess all over the car that he could not get out.
“What happened?” he asked.
I sighed, knowing it was coming. Of course, he was not going to drive two hours from his place and not ask me about the breakup. Digging my hand into the hoodie pocket, I sighed again. Could I talk about it without becoming a blubbering mess in front of him?
There was only one way to find out.
“We broke up.”
“No shit. I meant, how did it happen? I thought you were going away.”
There was no sugar coating with him. Good, I did not want that. “He was in her house.”
“Oh, and that’s a bad thing?” he asked, looking back to the fire as he rolled the stick between his fingertips. “I mean, she’s always over yours, so why is he being there any different?”
My mood was turning sour. “Because it’s disrespectful to me.”
“You come over to my place.”
“We’ve never fucked.” I snapped, annoyed at him. “He went into her house and lied to my face about it. Him going over there is the same as cheating in my eyes, only he didn’t put his dick in her. He still went there knowing very well that I would be devastated and hurt.”
“Oh.”
“I hadn’t even gone ten minutes, and he was in her house. She was throwing him a birthday party with their kids and friends. You should have seen them.”
“You were there watching?” He began to smirk. “Spying?”
I’m his—was his girlfriend. “Not spying, gathering intel. Ok, maybe I was spying, but how could I not?”
“Did you hide in the bushes?” He chuckled, finding this whole thing amusing. Why wouldn’t he? He hated Griffin.
“No, only through the living room window at home—his place. I couldn’t hear them talk. The music was so loud. But I sat there and watched him having the time of his life with her. They looked like the perfect family,” I said the last part in a bare whisper. It hurt, but they did. “He still loves her.”
A scoff came beside me, followed by a roar of laughter. “Fuck off. We both know he hates her, and if he loved her, then he would be with her, not threatening to smash my face in if I touched you.”
“He said that to you? When?” I did not believe it.
“Yesterday, when he turned up at my apartment. Almost kicked the door in too,” he added.
“He came to your house?” I asked. Why was I so surprised by all of this? I was meant to hate him, not thinking of a guy coming for his girl.
Harvey pulled back his hand and blew against the burnt marshmallow, handing it over to me. “He said you left him, and if I even thought of going after you, then he’d know and make me regret it. He fucked up and lost you, huh?” He smirked. “So, your dad called, and I couldn’t pass up the chance to really fuck him off.”
I just forced a smile back. “Yeah… He lost me.” He did.
All I had was this vision I had forced myself to see for the past few months. We were not meant to be, but I was not ready to let go completely then. I needed to see the real him, and I finally did. My heart could mourn the loss of him, but my brain knew it was the smart and right thing to do.
“I think we should go back inside.” I had not checked my phone, and I wanted to check it. Pathetic, I know.
“In a minute.” He placed another marshmallow on the stick as I kept eating mine, and he began to toast that too. “Did you decide to take some time off work? I can cover for you.”
“Oh, no. It’s ok. I’m going to call and see if I can work weekends again like before. Maybe Mum could transfer me to her new café here. I need the money.” To buy a new car and look for a rental closer to home. Then I could find a new job.
He nodded, once again bringing the toasted marshmallow closer to him, sliding it up the stick with his fingers and bringing it closer towards my lips. I frowned but parted my lips to take the gooey deliciousness and eat it—only he kissed me instead. He kissed me.
I froze. His cold lips were against mine for a few seconds before he pulled away with a smile, popping the marshmallow into my mouth. “I love you.”
Oh. “Harvey, I…” How could I respond to that? I was not ready.
“Don’t say anything. Just know that when you’re ready, I’m here for you. I won’t hurt you. You know I wouldn’t.” I knew he would not hurt me, but I was far from ready to get myself back into another relationship.
He kissed me, and you know what I felt? Guilt. I felt guilty.
I did not want him to kiss me. He should not have done that. I was here crying over my breakup, and he thought he can just drive up and kiss me? Oh, no. Not happening.
“I think I’m going to go to bed.” I pretended to yawn, stretching, but immediately pulled my arms back down as my stomach cramped again.
“You okay?” he asked, standing with me. “I’ll walk you to your room.”
“Umm, it’s okay. You don’t have to do that.” I assured him, but his blue eyes were insisting, and he was already following behind me.
At my door, he smiled handsomely and went to hug me goodnight. His arms didn’t offer any comfort, though, just an awkwardness that I clung onto tightly. Was it bad that I closed my eyes and thought of Griffin holding me? It did not do any justice. His touch was too soft… his body too thin. I craved the manly hug—the feeling of belonging and possession when Griffin held me.
Pulling away, I said, “Goodnight.”
“See you in the morning. Remember what I said, Ayla. I’ll wait for you. You deserve that.”
I could not respond to that. The man was standing in front of me, pouring his feelings out and promising to treat me great, yet it did not give me any solace at all. I foolishly wanted the man who kept hurting me.
My phone was under the bed, and there was a total of seven missed calls in the past two hours. More guilt racked me as I touched my lips and wiped them with my sleeve, wanting the touch of Harvey off me. It should not have surprised me that he would kiss me. It did, though. I had never given him mixed signals. I was his friend, but he knew how much I adore and love Griffin.
I climbed back into bed, my home of heartache. I snuggled down feeling alone and cold. Grabbing a cushion, I hugged it tightly, closing my eyes and waiting for the tears, but they never came. They would, later on.
I fell asleep to the vibration of my phone buzzing underneath my pillow, and I felt that tomorrow, I would wake up feeling better than I had been today. A day at a time, so Mum told me as she had held me in her arms and promised everything would work out and that I’d get through this.
They did not know the full story, like how we met. I had only given them a short half-truth version of it all being too much for me, and I needed to move on.
***
The next day, after tossing and turning most of the night, I was eating with everyone else, but did not eat much. I felt off this morning. The juice burned my throat, and toast was the only thing I could stomach.
“Do you feel like doing anything today?” Harvey asked, cutting into his bacon and eggs that made me want to throw up.
Did I? “No.” I wanted to go back to bed and put on my music. I wanted to listen to nothing but the song that spoke so many words to me. “I think I might take a shower.”
Carrying my empty plate to the sink, I heard my dad coughing awkwardly, and I looked up, frowning slightly as Harvey was straightening up in his chair, his cheeks slightly rosy. “Time of the month?”
I looked at him like he was crazy. “You didn’t just ask me that. I’m not moody because of my period.”
“Ayla… Uh, you’re bleeding.” Harvey pointed out with his knife poking towards my legs.
Looking down, I felt my cheeks flush. “I’m not.”
Mum turned around from the kitchen sink and looked over with a worried expression. “Dear, let’s get you to the hospital.”
I shook my head. There was no need. I would just put a pad in after I showered. “Mum, I’m—Ahh,” I cried out. “Ahh…” I screamed louder this time as I clutched my stomach. I lost my footing and fell forwards, but my father jumped up from his seat just in time.
A set of strong arms caught me, and all I could remember was curling up in pain as I screamed in agony. My stomach tightened with the worst period pain I had ever felt before I passed out.
***
There was an annoying beep filling my ears as I fluttered my eyes open. My lips were dry, and my throat was sore. Looking around as my vision focused, I spotted Harvey asleep on the chair across the room. Then my eyes drifted down to where there was an IV hooked into my left hand.
“Hey.” I croaked, trying to move forwards, but my stomach ached and hurt. Swallowing, I tried again. “Harvey.”
“Hmm?” he murmured sleepily. Then his eyes opened and widened. “You’re awake?” He stood and walked over.
“Can you bring me water?” I nodded towards the tray at the end of the bed. “Thirsty.”
Reaching for the plastic cup with a straw inside it, he brought it towards my dry lips, and I took a refreshing mouthful, drinking the entire thing.
“I’ll get your parents,” he said as he set the cup back down. “Won’t be long.”
“What happened?” I felt stupid for being so clueless.
“Ayla…” He began. “I’m sorry. I really am.”
“What did you do?” I asked. You would never know with him. “Oh, the kiss.”
A sad, solemn expression crossed his face as he sat on the edge of the bed beside me. “No, I didn’t do anything. I don’t regret kissing you. I’d do it again, but…”
I wouldn’t be kissing him again.
“Ayla, you were pregnant. Why didn’t you tell us or me?”
Pregnant. Just like that, the aching in my chest was back. “I didn’t know I was.” I was having a baby—Griffin’s baby. I should be crushed, but a wave of happiness washed over me just thinking about it. “A baby? How far along am I?”
“Fuck.” Rubbing a hand over his face, he dropped his arm and took my fingers between his. “You lost the baby. You had a miscarriage earlier. The bleeding—”
A train slammed into my gut, and the ache was like a knife piercing my heart, over and over again.
“Stop. Where’s my mum?” I did not want him to tell me more. I needed my mum.
With a nod, he stood and left the room. Only moments later, my mum was rushing in. She was crying as she hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
I wish everyone would stop saying that.
“Tell me.” I needed to know. I did not want to know any of it, but I needed to.
“It was an ectopic pregnancy. You had an internal bleeding, causing you to collapse when Dad was carrying you to the car. You had surgery to remove it. You were only eleven weeks…” she trailed off quietly. “It wouldn’t have survived, honey.”
Eleven weeks was still far enough to know. I did not even realise I had missed a period. Then again, I did not miss any. They were still normal. “I had no idea…” The bile burnt my throat as tears stung my eyes. “How could I not know?”
I had been pregnant, just like I wanted so desperately, with Griffin’s child, and I had no damn clue.
For the rest of my life. I promise that I. I’ll keep loving you.
Only, now, I was not pregnant, and I did not have Griffin. But I still wanted both so badly.