Chapter Thirty-Two - Paxton
I just look at her. She’s not even naked yet and I can’t take my eyes off her. So fucking beautiful. But so much more than beauty. “You’re so strong,” I say, reaching around her back to unclasp her bra.
“I think I get it from you,” she says, letting the satin and lace slip down her arms and fall to the floor.
“You’re so brave,” I say, placing my hands on her thighs, just underneath her flirty little skirt, and letting them travel upward to the round curve of her ass.
“I learned from the best,” she says. “It’s easy to be brave when everyone around you is a role model. I love your loyalty, Paxton Vance. To your mom, and your friends, and my brother. Loyalty is handsome on you.”
“I will always be loyal, Cinderella Shrike. Never doubt me. Ever. I’m on your side, Sugar. Everything in my life from this moment on leads to you.” I gently urge her towards me, so her breasts are up against my bare chest. I just want to feel the life inside her. The beating of her heart that I hope will be mine from this day forward.
“I feel the same way. I don’t think we have anything to worry about with your mother. But whatever is going on, we stand by her until we know the absolute truth.”
“Thank you,” I say.
“You don’t have to—”
“I do, Cindy. You have no idea what it will do to me if she’s behind all this. But until I get that proof I can’t turn my back. And I already know—I can already predict—all the fights between the guys and me over this. I totally understand now why Corporate refuses to talk shit about his parents. They were good to him.”
“I know,” Cindy says, frowning up at me.
“She was good to me.”
“Don’t think about it yet, OK? Just wait. This feels like the end, ya know? We’re so close.”
I feel it too. It’s like we have one more corner to turn and then everything—all the elusive answers—will come into view.
“Let’s go to bed,” I say, unbuckling my belt and opening the button and fly on my jeans. I let them drop to the floor and then Cindy starts tugging on my boxer briefs until I can step out and kick all my clothes aside. I’m not fully hard yet, but that’s only because I don’t feel the rush of lust right now. I feel the glow of love.
I get in bed and sit up, my back against the headboard, then pat my lap for her to sit. She faces me, her legs straddling my thighs. Her long blonde hair falling over her shoulders, reaching down past the tips of her hard nipples and the curves of her breasts. Swinging against my chest with just the lightest tickling sensation.
I take her hair in my hands and place it over her shoulder, making her shudder. Making her already firm nipples bunch up even tighter. “I want to see you,” I say. “I want to look at you. Watch the expression on your face. I want your hands on my shoulders, your nails digging into my skin as we move together.”
Her tongue darts out and brushes over her lips, making them glisten. “You don’t want to spank me, Detective?” she asks, gracing me with a smile.
I shake my head slowly. “No,” I say, placing both hands on her hips, urging her to lift up so I can place my now-hard cock right at the opening of her wet entrance.
She gasps, then closes her eyes as she lowers herself back down without any signal from me. I close my eyes too. The pressure on my shaft, the small friction we create as we meld together, and the heat from her body is all I need right now. Just the feel of her is enough.
I think it’s the same for Cindy, because she rounds her back and places her head on my shoulder, like she’s seeking comfort.
“It’s OK,” I say, turning my head so I can whisper in her ear. I trace a feather-light touch down the curve of her spine with my fingertips, which makes her shudder again and slowly begin to move on top of me. She lifts her head and looks down, her eyes on me. Only me. The blue just barely visible in the low light emanating off the digital clock on the nightstand.
“I know,” she says back, her breath coming faster as I begin to move too.
But there is something very sad about this moment. Something I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s not her. I think between Five, and Oliver, and me—I think we can keep her safe. And I’m not worried about me. I’m not worried about dying. I don’t know what’s happening to me and my friends, but it can’t come back to killing us. It’s something worse than death, I think.
And there are such things. There are many things worse than your own death. You can lose a loved one. That explains Oliver’s reluctance to be in a relationship and why he doesn’t want Cindy involved. You could lose your identity. Which explains Weston and his lies trying to cover it all up. You could lose your reputation, like Mac, and take on the world trying be a saint and get it back. Or you could lose your self, like Nolan, and turn yourself into the monster people expect you to be.
All these things are worse than death because you have to live with it. You have to get up every day and face the world you created, or succumbed to, or surrendered to and live with it. Does it matter? How it ends? Does it really matter when we all leave this life the same way? Dead?
No.
The only thing that matters is how you live.
So… what do I have to lose? This is the question on my mind. What can they take from me that I will miss, beyond what they’ve already stolen?
All those same things for sure. But don’t we all live with that potential loss? The risk isn’t in losing all those things my friends have. The risk is losing the few things I still have left.
If I lose my mother… or Cindy…
“Shhh,” Cindy says, still rocking slowly in my lap as she reads my thoughts. It’s only then that I realize a tear is falling down my cheek. “Don’t,” Cindy says, a tear falling down her cheek too. “Don’t get lost.”
If I lose my mother everything else goes with it. Who could I possibly trust after that kind of betrayal?
“We’re fine,” Cindy insists, her words barely a breath, not even a whisper. “It’s fine.”
I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight and close. Ashamed to show her my emotions. I keep her there, like a prisoner against my chest, and let it all go so we can escape for a moment.
I take my full attention back to the woman on top of me. I get lost in her instead. And when we come together, I let it all go.
I let my mother go, I let the past go, I let the shame go, I let the life go… and I become dead.
So now, there is no more risk. There is no more fear. There is nothing left to lose because there is nothing left to take.
Cindy slides off me, her back pressing up against my chest as we lie in bed. I hold her prisoner again, just a little bit longer, until she falls asleep.
And then I get up, get dressed, and go looking for Oliver.