It had been a whole week since Dustin had died, and I was still having trouble dealing with what had happened that night and how the situation had come about. My dad was now in the Amarillo jail pending transfer to a state correctional facility. The state police had officially taken over the case because the sheriff was too close—he was a personal friend to the Hills—and would cause a conflict of interest. My dad’s arraignment had been put off due to the holidays, but his lawyer had visited me at the Hern’s and explained my father would be pleading guilty. I wouldn’t be required to testify because his confession and admission of guilt was all that was needed and he was planning on waiving his right to a trial with a jury and would go directly to sentencing. After looking at the photographs of my injuries, my testimony would only get worse for him anyway.

I had given a statement to the troopers from Megan’s bed after being discharged from the hospital. Worn out and more broken that I could even admit to myself, I told them everything, going through the interrogation was better from somewhere I felt safe, though. Wearing my own clothes and surrounded by familiarity while I stared at the wall in absolute devastation caused by the hole in my life was better than being in a small, clinically bare room at the station. Megan had been my rock and held my hand through the entire ordeal, her tears falling with mine as she’d shared my pain and mortification.

I’d been forcing myself to eat and drink over the past week for the baby’s sake. Every effort I made was for her now. I was on autopilot, eating what was set in front of me and taking vitamins when they were fed to me. I loved my little girl enough to try and find a way to get past what had happened and attempt something that resembled living. I had no interest in anything else while I wallowed in my bereavement, but I knew that no matter how much I hurt now, it would hurt less to breathe in time. At least I hoped it would.

I knew one thing for absolute certain… I couldn’t stay in Childress anymore.

I didn’t care about the rumors that were being whispered about me or the stares I was sure to get when I eventually left the house for more than a casual walk around the yard. Those people meant nothing to me, anyway. They hadn’t known my name until the truth of what had happened got out, so I wasn’t sure why I was supposed to take their opinions into consideration. My schooling and life had nothing to do with any of them.

I was more concerned with the memories, and the ghosts that would follow me around wherever I went now Dustin was gone. I knew I would see him everywhere, and after losing him, I couldn’t put myself through that kind of hell every day. I would only make my daughter and myself miserable in the long run. I also knew that, though I felt bad about the circumstances, I couldn’t let the Hills be a part of our lives now. I was seventeen years old, and I wouldn’t lose her to them. They had money and respect in the town; it was a fight I couldn’t win. Dustin’s mom didn’t have much longer to live. She’d been getting sicker as the days passed. Her death would leave our daughter with Dustin’s father and brother, the two men who had purposely kept us apart for their own selfish needs. My daughter and I needed a new start, and I knew exactly where I wanted that to be.

Even with my concerns, Dustin’s father and brother had all but given up on their efforts to talk with me the moment I had denied them access at the hospital. They were lost in their own grief, and as Dustin had pointed out more than once, they were too concerned with themselves to pursue rumors, but Mrs. Hill had been a little harder to shake. Her tenacity was commendable considering her health was declining so rapidly. She’d caught me off guard at the Hern’s house on the rare occasion when I’d been there alone. Megan was back at school, Michael was at work, and Jen had been over at my dad’s house, packing my things and doing some other things that he’d called and asked her to help with. She wasn’t happy about helping him in any way, but he’d sworn the tasks were for my benefit. So I’d had the house to myself.

The knock at the door had been quiet and impersonal, three short taps followed by silence. I had been lost in my own head, staring at the blank screen of the turned off television, not thinking about who would visit in the middle of the day. When I’d opened the door to Mrs. Hill’s pale face, the only thing I wanted to do was ease that pain on the thin, gaunt lines of her face, and I took her hand to guide her to the chair in the living room. Dustin had loved her, and she’d been important to him. I could no more reject her than I could bring him back.

“I knew it,” she wheezed slowly, fighting for her breath by pressing her hands to her knees and inhaling deeply. “I… knew it.”

“Mrs. Hill, how did you get here?” I asked, perching on the coffee table, my hands on the tops of her arms, holding her upright. My mind still hadn’t made the connection that my pregnancy was very obvious to one of the people I’d been trying to hide from.

“Drove. Had to see you,” she whispered, her fingers reaching out to touch my belly while tears swam in her eyes. “Dustin’s?”

I peered down and nodded as my eyes welled with tears again. Just hearing his name brought on an emotional onslaught that was always waiting on the edge of my mind. His name was a reminder that he was gone, something I wasn’t sure I would ever process completely. My hands dropped and ran protectively over my stomach as the fear of what was coming next prickled at the back of my neck.

Whatever look of horror was on my face, Suzanne Hill seemed to recognize the fear and agony for what it was.

“No. No, sweetheart, I’m not here to take the baby away from you.” She paused and took another breath. “You were mine and Dustin’s little secret. We talked about you a lot, and I know you’re going to be an amazing mother, even if the baby wasn’t planned. My boys, as much as I love them, wouldn’t know what to do with a baby when I’m gone anyway.” Suzanne tipped her head to the side and tears welled in her eyes. “He loved you so much, Mikayla, and I’m guessing he didn’t know anything about this…” she pointed to my stomach, “earlier because you loved him?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded as the first of the tears fell.

“He needed to live his dreams. Dustin needed to know what he’d be giving up before he was faced with that decision.” My voice got thick long before I’d managed to get all the words out.

“Most women wouldn’t have done that.” Her hand moved from my stomach to my face. Her skin was cool, but that didn’t stop me from leaning into her touch. Dustin had loved and respected this woman and just five minutes in her company told me why. “He would always have chosen you, but you gave him such a gift, even if missing you was always a part of that.”

“I loved him so much, Mrs. Hill. He was the first person to ever really see me. He knew me so well. He made me feel beautiful and safe, and when I found out about the baby… I knew he had to at least have a taste of what he could potentially give up. The night he came to me…” I stuttered into a sob. “He was so hurt that I’d lied to him, but he wanted us. He… he’d wanted us to go with him so he could still do what he wanted and have us.”

I leaned forward as the grief overwhelmed me and dropped my head into her lap, crying yet again. My sobs washed over my body like small seizures unwilling to subside now I’d set them free.

Talking to Suzanne made me miss Dustin so much more than I thought possible. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t screaming at me in anger. Her son had been taken too soon, and my father had shot him while he was defending me. I was the reason her son was there that night. I was the reason he had died, and she was being kind and gentle with me.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” I cried, lifting my head and pushing the heels of my hands into my eyes. “If he hadn’t been there…”

“Mikayla, you didn’t do this. If I wanted to lay blame, there are a hundred different places I could drop that emotion, three thousand different steps that could lead to this one direction, including my cancer. Don’t hate me for saying this, but the only person to blame is your father, and that doesn’t fall on you. He made the choice to carry that gun. No one else.”

“Dustin was there because of me. Because I kept the baby a secret.”

“Do you know what happened that night, before he came to you?” she asked, tucking my hair behind my ear.

I shook my head. “Libby said I’d cheated on him, but he said he knew.”

“Rett tells it a little differently,” she said, stroking my hair back. “And I’m sure Libby has her own version as much as the boys do. They blame themselves, but none of that will bring him back.” Suzanne dug into her bag and handed me an envelope. “I came because I needed you to have these. I don’t know if this is too much to ask, but I would love the baby to know its father. These are all my favorite pictures of him, and some of me, and a letter. I…”

“She’ll always know who her dad was, Mrs. Hill, and she will always know you.”

“A girl?” she asked, and I nodded in response, my hand rubbing her back as she started to weep. She was so weak, and her fragile state worried me, but she pulled herself together after we cried for a while. She was just as strong as Dustin had always said she was, and so much more. I just wished I’d had the opportunity to know her under different circumstances. After our tears dried, and she’d extracted a promise to keep her informed while she was still alive, we said our goodbyes, and she gave me the details of Dustin’s funeral.

His funeral would be a goodbye all the way around. I couldn’t stay in Childress without him. So I decided that once he was buried, I would leave town and find a new home for us. Somewhere that we could start again, and hold onto the good memories without the taint of this town and the memories I couldn’t bear to witness.

The rain was cold and fell in heavy sheets as the six men carried the glossy black coffin from the back of the hearse to the open gravesite. Even from where I was standing under the trees and behind the lip of a mausoleum, I could hear Suzanne’s wailing cries of agony. Her anguish brought back that night in the hospital when things had been so turned around and distant for me. Only now, I understood that what I’d heard was this amazing woman mourning her son, while I’d been grappling with the reality of what was going on around me.

There were still moments I couldn’t get a grip on what had happened that night or how much my life had changed in the ten days that had passed. Things had gone so wrong so fast, and I’d lost everything I loved because I’d kept so many secrets. Suzanne had been graceful in her talk with me, taking blame away from where I felt I deserved it the most. It was all well and good telling me that I shouldn’t think of myself as culpable, but letting go of the guilt and blame wasn’t so easy.

This was my last stop before I left Childress and Texas behind. This was my last goodbye to the life I’d had for the past seventeen years, and the final farewell to the man I’d loved with everything I had. The only thing I knew about my future was that I was going to be a mother, and I was going to put my heart and soul into raising our child. I already loved her more than I could describe, and I would dedicate my life to her feeling that love. That was my purpose now, and the reason I had survived.

I couldn’t hear much of the service as it went on. I was too far away to hear anything but the patter of rain on the umbrellas, the wails of Suzanne and the hysterical cries from Libby who was surrounded by most of their graduating class. My lack of attendance wasn’t noticed, and I doubted it would have been welcomed by anyone other than Suzanne. I’d hidden well enough that you’d have to really look for me to know I was there. Suzanne had caught my glance once as two men in black Stetson hats pulled low guided her from the gravesite after the service ended. Her only acknowledgment to me was a nod before she slipped into the car. I’d left a letter for her with Jen, just in case she came to visit again, but I doubted she would. She was looking frailer by the day, and after an emotional discussion with Jen about the situation, she seemed to think Suzanne had stopped fighting. I knew the feeling sometimes.

I waited for the last of the mourners as they lingered, huddling together under the canopy of their black umbrellas. Most of them seemed to be the friends we’d both gone to school with and some new faces from the friends he’d made in college. Thankfully, Libby had left soon after the Hills had climbed into the black Sedan. The chilled rain gathered in my collar as rivulets streamed from the roof of the mausoleum, and I shivered when a small dribble trickled down my spine like ice-cold fingers.

I was miserable, and I was cold, wet, and heartbroken, but I would have waited forever for those final moments with Dustin before I escaped.

Hands on my stomach, I waited for the last of the cars to pull away before waddling toward the grave and his coffin. The rain drenched me quickly out of the cover I’d found. The ghostly finger down my spine soon turned into a waterfall as the tendrils of my hair channeled it under my coat.

Dustin’s family had found him a plot under one of the few trees dotted around the cemetery, and the live oaks’ gnarled limbs stretched out offering very little respite from the rain without the leaves to filter it, but I knew why Suzanne had picked this place. She’d confirmed that she and Dustin had talked about our relationship more than he’d ever let on to me. Suzanne was the only one in his family that had known about our relationship and how deep that had become over the time we’d had together.

Running my fingers over the glossy surface of his coffin, I took in the small things his friends had left on the surface to be buried with him. Pictures, Compact Discs, DVDs, and comic books were the most abundant, followed by more personal items. His teammates had all left the number patches from their letterman jackets, and the cheerleaders and drill team had left their poms and patches, too. Everyone he touched had loved him, but looking down at the things scattered over the coffin, I realized just how big of a hole he was leaving in the world. Dustin had meant something different to everyone. He’d given a part of himself to the people he loved the most and made an impact in their lives just as much as he’d made one in mine.

The only problem was, I wasn’t sure how to let him go now. I wasn’t sure I could.

“How do I say goodbye to you?” I asked him quietly, laying my palm flat on the surface where I imagined his heart was. My eyes prickled as the tears welled and then fell, mingling with the rain already leaving tracks over my cheeks. “How do I say goodbye when it was loving me that killed you, Dustin? You were everything that was light in my world. I didn’t know what love was until you ran me off the road that night. I didn’t think I was capable of loving anyone. Then there you were, pigheaded and stubborn, and I knew even then that you were going to take everything I had to offer and mean too much to me.”

Leaning forward, I rested my forehead against the polished wood, the scent of the flowers filling my senses as I tried to gather myself.

“You mean everything. You always will, and I promise that our daughter will always know who you are and how much you loved us both.” I dug into my pocket and pulled out the ultrasound picture I’d printed for him. Slipping the glossy print under the flowers, I tapped it with the tips of my fingers. “I never got to show you this. It’s our daughter’s first photo. I want you to take it with you, and remember that we’re both here, loving one another enough to fill the huge hole you left behind. We won’t be here in Childress. I can’t stay with the ghost of you lingering around every corner. I need a fresh start where I can hold on to the happiness we shared instead of constantly being reminded that you’re gone.”

I kissed the coffin and inhaled through my nose, the unshed sobs now making my body vibrate.

“I love you, Dustin Hill, and I always will. Every time I look at our daughter, I will remember you with love and affection, and I will love her doubly because she is the best parts of us combined. I will love her for both of us so well that she will always feel it.”

Stepping back, I felt the water rise above my shoe and shook my head with a small, sad laugh.

“Let’s hope she has your grace because I’m hopeless.” Shaking out my foot, I huddled deeper in my coat seeking what little warmth there was left. “I’ll come and see you when I can, baby.”

I retreated, slowly at first, but the walk turned into a run as I weaved through the headstones. When I finally reached my car I had to stop myself with outstretched hands against the saturated body of the car and fumbled through my pockets to find my keys.

I looked around slowly as I separated the keys and tried to take a mental snapshot of the scene around me. This would be the last time I would see Childress. I didn’t plan on coming back if I could help it. The past would stay in the past, but I had to keep my eyes forward now.

For myself, for my sanity, and more importantly for our daughter.