The small bar that Megan frequented in Childress wasn’t one that had been around when I’d been growing up. From what I understood, the building had been an old feed warehouse and was tucked away from the highway that passed through town. The main room of the bar was dark, smelled of grain, and had peanut shells scattered over the floors between booths and tall bar tables, probably because there were buckets filled with them on every table. The dance floor occupied most real estate in the room and sat in front of the raised platform that they used as a stage. The bar itself, however, took up one long wall and employed four bar staff, all of who moved efficiently in the space and kept the drinks flowing.

It was a setup I approved of. Efficient with good flow meant a constant turnover. Even the jukebox, which was attached to an app on my smartphone, had a good selection of music, most of which was classic rock. A fact that seemed to amuse Megan no end as I scrolled through pages and pages of tracks and spent a small fortune without ever seeing cash.

“I need to get one of these in my place,” I said, slipping my phone into my back pocket and draining half of my beer with a satisfied gasp. “Not having to walk to the damn machine every time I want to hear a song is an added benefit.”

“Most people here plug in what little country is on there.” Meg laughed, gathering her hair up at the back of her neck before dragging the tail over her shoulder and releasing the strands again. “I figured having a choice would cheer you up a little about having to be out and about.”

I laughed, my eyes on yet another scan of the growing crowd as I looked for someone I recognized. I hadn’t come across anyone in the hour that we’d been there, which made me feel hopeful.

“Will you stop that? You look like an outlaw waiting for the sheriff to show up.” Meg sat forward and spun her margarita slowly by the stem. “You’re making me nervous here. Just sit back and relax so we can talk.”

“We are talking.” I grinned, glad the booth was hiding the constant nervous movement of my legs from her as I spread my hands calmly on the worn wood plank of the table’s surface. “But I know you mean something more specific.”

The eye roll was almost as expected as the long pull on her straw while she rearranged her words in her head. The girl who had always babbled was now the woman who thought carefully before speaking. As she inhaled a deep breath, her eyes met mine. They were filled with trepidation and a small injection of sadness.

“Okay, so there is no denying that this is a small damn town. The word of mouth means nothing is sacred, and Mom and I are the only good realtors here.”

“Meg,” I said her name with a laugh. “Stop with the bullshit and spit whatever it is out already.”

“The word is… your dad left you everything. The house and anything left inside the place. His lawyer apparently visits weekly to make sure no kids can break in and announce they had squatters’ rights. There’s also a safety deposit box at the bank.”

“I don’t want the fucking house.” My tone was too defensive, and I swallowed back the tendrils of panic that had started to wind themselves around my heart. “I’m sorry. There are things I can deal with, but going back in that room…”

“I know that, which is why I thought we could get a crew to go in there, pack everything up and then just paint everything and sell the place outright as is. We’ve had a company inquire about the property almost yearly since your dad was convicted. Did you know he has about a hundred acres attached? And another fifty just outside of town?”

I shook my head and laughed bitterly. “You know better than that, Meg. My dad barely acknowledged me. It’s not like he would sit down and talk out his holdings with me.”

“I figured, but I wanted you to know because we’ve had inquiries, which means you should have some wriggle room to get an amazing price on the land.”

“I don’t want any of it.”

“Then put the money in an account for Holly,” she said evenly, before leaning forward to sip some more of her margarita. “She could go to any college she wanted, Kay. She could buy her first car, her first house, and still have money leftover to travel the world. Your dad was an asshole, there’s no denying that, but let something good come from him.”

“He killed her father,” I said under my breath, and then drained my bottle. “And there’s no guarantee that he left any of this shit to me anyway. I haven’t spoken to him since that night when he knocked the shit out of me.”

“Who else would he leave it all to?”

“One of the whores he had in his bed every night? The friends he found far more compelling than me? He sure spent more time with them than he ever did with me.”

“Well, I underestimated how much you hated him.”

I believed I’d underestimated my loathing for the man, too. I’d sat on that anger and hatred for over fourteen years, and it had festered and grown into something more ugly than even I’d realized. The man had brought me into the world with my mom. He’d loved me for the first nine years of my life and then just given up when shit had got hard. For most of my life, I’d forgiven him, made excuses for him, and given him a pass for the grief he had when Mom had died. Unfortunately, he’d forced me to relive his pain, he’d taken away the man I’d loved and the father of my child, and no matter how much I wanted to give up, I never had. I’d fought and clawed my way out from depression and looked after my daughter. I’d stepped up to the plate even in the moments I wanted to stay in bed and die myself.

“It could have been so easy to follow his path of self-destruction, Meg. Your mom offered to take Holly for me, to bring her up for me, and it was so tempting. I had nothing, no one, and I had nothing to offer Holly. Saying yes would have been so easy and would have given me the opportunity to try and pick up some semblance of life, or even give up without being laden with guilt, but then I looked down at this little baby and everything clicked. Holly came almost two months early just like a Christmas present. This tiny, perfect baby who had eyes just like her daddy, and hair that was the exact shade of his, and I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t give her up—because I loved her too much. Even the thought of giving her to someone made my heart ache. You know what that told me?”

Megan didn’t say anything, but her sympathetic smile just told me to get all of this out, and that was one of the things I loved the most about her.

“It told me that my father never loved me. You can’t love someone as much as I love Holly and let them go and pretend they don’t exist. I can barely let go of Dustin enough to function on a daily basis. So how do you give up on a nine-year-old child who is grieving just as much as you are? A child who needs to be held and given guidance when they just don’t understand why or how any of that could have happened?”

“I can’t imagine doing that to my kids,” Meg said, draining her margarita and waving down a waitress before flashing two fingers and pointing at the table. “Even if I lost Robert somehow, I couldn’t just give up on them, and that’s just what that son-of-a-bitch did, isn’t it? I never thought about that. I was too young, and by the time I was old enough it was the status quo, but Mom always hated him. She hid it from us as much as she could, but I overheard her talking to Daddy sometimes, and she hated him.”

“This is why I can’t take anything he offers me, Meg. But you’re right. If he leaves me anything then that should go to Holly and give her a chance at the life he never wanted to give me. I really doubt he would have thought much about me in the end. I never meant much to him while he was alive. In death won’t be any different.”

“Can I ask you something I’ve always been too chicken to ask before?” Megan asked, sitting back as the beer and margarita were slid in front of us. “Put that on my tab, Hayley.”

I watched the waitress nod and walk away, and I canted my head to the side in invitation.

“Where did you get the money to open the bar?”

I laughed aloud and sat back against the acrylic of the booth. I took a long pull from my beer, pushed the glass back onto the table and then rocked forward, both elbows landing on the table as my clasped hands propped my chin up.

“I’ve been waiting a long time for you to ask that. You’ve been very restrained.”

“Asshole. I’m asking now, aren’t I?” She grinned at me and shook her head before prompting me to answer with a cheeky smile only she could ever pull off.

I nodded against my hands in agreement and breathed out two words. “Suzanne Hill.”

If it hadn’t been for ‘Heart’ singing about the Magic Man, and the din of quiet, indecipherable conversation around us, the silence would have been deafening. It seemed to take a while for Meg to find the ability to blink, but when she did her brown eyes filled with questions. No one, not even Jen knew about the contact I’d had with Suzanne over the last few months of her life. I’d kept that to myself because she’d asked that of me. She didn’t want her husband and eldest son knowing she’d had contact with me in any way. Just like I had been a secret for her and Dustin to share. She wasn’t as disillusioned or naïve as her husband seemed to think, and she was one of the people who had helped me get through that part of my life.

“Suzanne Hill? Dustin’s mom?”

I nodded in response, waiting for the onslaught of questions.

“I’m confused.” That was evident in the way she stirred her drink with her straw, her eyes locked onto the melting slush. “I thought you had refused to see them.”

“I had, but I was at your house alone a couple of days after I got out of the hospital. You were at school, and your mom was getting some of my things together over at my dad’s place, and Suzanne just showed up. She was really weak and pale, but determined, you know? She marched on in there and sat down and asked if the baby was Dustin’s. Apparently, I wasn’t as much of a secret as I thought, because he’d told her he was in love with me, and she hadn’t told anyone about it.” I could feel the lump forming in my throat and took a mouthful of beer to ease it back. “She said he was happy because of me.”

Meg’s confusion melted away into understanding. Even now, Dustin and his death were hard for me to think about at times. I’d never really moved on enough to have any kind of relationship since I’d lost him. Casual dates and one-night stands had been the extent of my dating life, and I’d been okay with that. Those situations had never touched Holly, and they’d never really touched me. They scratched the itch when the urge for physicality had come about, and my longest relationship had lasted all of six weeks, and that was when Holly had been five. He’d ended the relationship when I refused to introduce him to my daughter, and I found I was relieved that he had. Every one of those men had been compared to Dustin, and not one of them had lived up to my memory of him.

The constant comparison and my detachment weren’t healthy, not by a long shot, but I lived with my decision because that was the situation I could live with.

“Kay, you’d have to have been an idiot not to see how happy he was with you. Erin and Troy were over the moon. They knew that I was in the circle of friends aware of the situation and even said to me that he was the best version of himself when he was with you. The people who didn’t notice the change in him were people who didn’t want to see that change. I just don’t get why you didn’t tell me about this before.”

“I didn’t tell anyone,” I admitted. “After she saw me at the funeral she called me. She sounded awful, but she needed me to know what she’d decided.”

“What she’d decided?” Megan said incredulously. “And what was that?”

I huffed out a breath and shook my head. “She agreed with my decision and made sure people believed I’d lost the baby, including her husband and son.”

“The Hills think you lost Holly that night?”

I nodded and looked down at the table, circling one of the condensation rings with my index finger. “So does Libby and all of her minions, and probably Troy and Erin. The idea to keep that the official story was Suzanne’s idea. She was worried that once she died, Dustin’s dad and brother would do something stupid and come after me for custody of Holly. She said Dustin wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“He wouldn’t have,” Meg agreed, sitting back in the booth and staring at me hard.

“Suzanne asked me to send a photo of Holly to her when she was born, and I did, not thinking anything of the request because she was her grandma, but a couple of months later the picture came back in this huge envelope from her lawyer’s office. She’d added me in as a private beneficiary in a second will that she had her lawyer seal. It’s a public document, but them not being aware of the will means they’ve never looked for it. The lawyer explained it in his letter. It was all so technical. The only stipulation on the thing was that the revelation of Holly’s existence is my right.”

I downed the last of my beer and slid the glass away from me.

“I didn’t touch the money for years. I waited for her husband to come and demand his money back, but a year became three, and I realized the second will had stayed sealed. They had no idea that Suzanne had given me a large chunk of her money.” I looked up and shook my head. “All the money was hers to begin with according to the paperwork, and she gave me Dustin’s inheritance. Most of it is in an account for Holly, but I borrowed some for the bar and have been paying it back with interest.”

“I had no idea.”

“No one did,” I said gently. “This wasn’t meant to be a secret. It just wasn’t something that ever came up in conversation, and I really didn’t waste much time thinking about. Holly knows that she has her pick of colleges when the time comes, and she knows that’s due, in large part, to her dad’s mother who wanted to make sure she was looked after.”

I’d barely finished talking when another beer was put down in front of me.

“Hey, there. Was wondering if you wanted some company?”

I looked up, and up, and up some more, and met the gaze of a gorgeous man with an award-winning smile. He had a cap on backward and his beard, though neatly trimmed, hung to a point under his chin, the warm brown color peppered with lighter strands, which made his lips look full when he smiled down at me. His eyes were beautifully almond-shaped but a deep brown that reminded me of melted chocolate. He looked like he fit in the bar wearing his boots, tight jeans, and the flannel shirt with a vest that looked warm with the sheepskin lining. He was a bonafide cowboy, and I had no doubt that he probably worked on one of the ranches that were dotted around the town. He carried himself with confidence, his thumbs draped through his belt loops to draw my eye to the buckle, but I cautiously kept my chin raised, my eyes on his.

“I have company, thank you.” My tone was clipped but polite, a hint of flirtation dancing around the edges. Working in a bar had made me very self-aware of how I carried myself. This direct masculine approach wasn’t something new.

“Want some more?”

Hitching my knee onto the booth bench, I turned to face him and smiled brightly. “I’m flattered, I really am, but I haven’t seen my friend since Christmas, and we’re catching up.”

“Well, now, you didn’t leave any lines to read between there,” he said, his smile warming more. There were men that would take offense to my decline, but he turned his cap and tipped the bill to me in respect. “Maybe next time.”

“Maybe,” I offered, rewarding him with my own genuine smile.

Spinning on the heel of his boots, the cowboy strode off to a group of other men. Most of them mirrored his look: long beards, western wear, and the look of a long day’s work being washed away with a couple of beers. A few of them slapped him on the back in commiseration and slid a beer in front of him as he turned and planted himself against the bar on his elbows and grinned over at me. I almost regretted turning him away… almost.

“Damn, I can’t even remember what it’s like to be hit on anymore,” Meg said, pulling my gaze back to her, even though her eyes were on the stranger.

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “I’m new meat is all. Who is that anyway?”

“You know, he looks familiar, but I can’t put a name to him. He’s probably a ranch hand out there at the Vann Ranch, but I don’t know. It’s weird… he’s familiar.”

“It’s probably the beard throwing you off.”

She squinted and tipped her head to the side. “More than likely. Men have it so fucking easy. They piss standing up and grow their own disguises. They even have an easier time getting themselves off.” She wiggled her fingers at me and let off a stream of air.

“Jesus, Meg.” I laughed, picking up the beer and raising the chilled glass to the guy who was still watching us. “You still have a way with words.”

“Give me a few more margaritas, and it’s just gonna get worse.”

“Is that supposed to be appealing or a deterrent?”

“Bit of both.” She stopped and accepted the margarita that came from the rowdy men at the end of the bar. “But before we get to the inappropriate portion of our evening, can I just say I’m glad you came. Even though you hate it here, I’m so glad you came. I’m also really glad that at least one of Dustin’s family recognized how important you were to him.”

“I knew I was important to him. I knew he loved me, and I know in my heart he would have loved Holly in that special unconditional way of his. When it comes down to it, that’s all that really matters. My little girl has a bright future ahead of her. She’s happy and loved, and for the most part, I’m happy, too.”

“All you need now is to realize you deserve to be loved again.”

“I’m not adverse to it.”

“No, but you’re not willing to commit, either.”

“I’m not going to settle.” I smiled over at her and shrugged.

“You never will while you’re comparing the men you meet to Dustin. He was a one of a kind, Kay, but as much as you don’t want to hear it,” she said, holding her hand up to stop my rebuttal. “He would be okay with you moving on.”

“What about how I feel?” I asked.

“You mean the guilt?” she asked, scooting forward. “Women who have been married for as long as you’ve been alive look less guilty about flirting than you do.”

“Meg. I get it, but why do I have to have someone in my life? I’m happy like this. I’m not going to carve out a spot for someone else if it’s unnecessary. When I know I’m not interested, I know it will end with me hurting them. If it’s going to happen, it’ll happen.”

“So, you’re telling me you’re open to a relationship.”

“Maybe, if it’s right.”

“And right there is where the problem lies. It will never be right when you’re waiting for Dustin.”

“I’m not waiting for him. I can’t. He’s dead. Do I expect to have a relationship that means as much as ours? No, I don’t. I know what he and I had was a once in a lifetime thing.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t have something different that’s just as amazing in its own way.”

“Why is this so important to you? It’s my life,” I said, slapping my hands down on the surface of the table.

“Maybe because I know how amazing you are, and I know you deserve to be loved and looked after, even though you don’t need it.”

I gave her a sobered look before letting go of my frustrations and laughing. “You’re so full of shit.”

“Just don’t lock that door when you still have your whole life ahead of you.”

“It’s not locked.”

“Good.”

“Awesome. Can we get drunk now?” I asked, sticking my tongue out at her.

Megan gave me a winning smile and flagged down our waitress in the growing crowd. This was going to hurt in the morning, but the pain of a hangover would be less agonizing than stirring up the past and dwelling on that agony for another two hours.