The sight of so many trees bursting into the bright colors of autumn should have delighted Azrael. They would have too, if it wasn’t another reminder of the fact that they were fleeing again and far more obviously than they had before. They had been driving for hours, close to a full day at this point, and Azrael could see the strain it was putting on Tobias. Adrenaline and fear were efficient motivators for humans, but it wasn’t enough to keep Tobias going much longer. Now that the immediate danger appeared to have passed, he was beginning to rapidly wilt behind the wheel.
“You need to rest,” Azrael told him gently from the passenger seat.
“I can sleep in a little bit. I want to put as much distance between us and them as possible, Az.”
“You have driven across the country, we are almost so far north as to have reached another country. Please, Tobias, there won’t be any benefit if you should collapse behind the wheel.”
Tobias grunted, but Azrael could see him giving into it, if only for the promise of sleep. They might have been on the road for nearly twenty-four hours, but they had been awake for longer than that. They had left almost immediately after Raphael and Gabriel had departed, leaving a hastily written note for Vivian and fleeing the city in the truck. The only stops that they had made had been to refill the truck and their own personal fuel reserves.
Azrael felt terrible for the manner in which they had left Vivian’s home, without even a proper goodbye. Tobias had been ignoring the buzzing of his phone, both of them knowing it was Vivian who was calling. She must have been so confused, and concerned, to return home and find it empty of their presence, save for the note that Tobias had barely remembered to write before they left. Eventually the phone had died, leaving them only with the changing radio stations and the sounds of the truck.
As if reading his thoughts, Tobias glanced down at the device next to him as he pulled into a motel’s parking lot. “That thing is probably filled with 50 voicemails from her, that are going to all come in the minute I plug it in.”
He sounded depressed over the very idea and Azrael understood the feeling. Neither had wanted to leave the way that they had. Tobias felt it was necessary to get as much of a head start as possible, desperate to gain as much distance before the pursuit began. Azrael had not yet had the heart to tell him that it probably would not matter. If Gabriel had learned enough about Tobias’ resonance in his studies, then they would be able to find them no matter what; it was simply a matter of time.
After purchasing a room, Tobias flung open the door and eyed the bed. “Looks barely big enough to fit two. Is this their idea of a queen size?”
Azrael gazed around the dimly lit room. “I am not tired, so you can claim it for yourself.”
Tobias flopped onto the bed, rolling over to gaze up at Azrael. “You slept like three hours, tops. You need to sleep, too.”
“I am sure I will rest eventually. However, it was enough to allow my mind to begin working over everything once more. I would not be able to relax sufficiently to rest right now, even if I wished to.”
“I’m so damned tired, I don’t think I could think if I wanted to.”
Azrael smiled at that. “Good.”
“Not that good, if you’re going to be sitting around doing all of the thinking, instead.”
Azrael sat on the bed beside Tobias, running his fingers through his hair. “Your hair is getting so long. We should see about having it trimmed soon.”
Tobias hummed happily at the touch. “Don’t like a man with long hair?”
“I like you however you come.”
“Just make sure to cut my hair first.”
Azrael chuckled, rubbing at the tense muscles of Tobias’ neck, keeping his silence. Tobias was already half-asleep as it was, and it took very little time for the sounds of his breathing to deepen and even out. Azrael hoped that his sleep would be peaceful, or at least dreamless. The signs of being older than he was were coming back to Tobias’ face, and it ate at Azrael that he was part of the reason those faint lines were returning.
In truth, he was relieved to see Tobias drift off to sleep, and not just because he so obviously needed the rest. Azrael craved a moment to himself to think without worrying that Tobias would drift into his thoughts. Yet, he found that sitting in the quiet of the dim room, with only the sound of Tobias’ deep breathing, wasn’t doing him any good. It felt like his own thoughts were crowding him, leaving him no mental room to breathe.
Checking Tobias one more time, he grabbed one of their jackets and pulled it round himself as he quietly exited the motel room. The air was brisk and just shy of being uncomfortably cold, yet Azrael breathed in the cool autumn air with a sigh of relief. The open air didn’t make his thoughts any less dark or depressing, but they were less suffocating under the open sky.
Rather than linger, he began to walk, hoping that Tobias didn’t wake to find him gone. What Azrael needed was a few moments to let his thoughts settle in his mind, and gain some small measure of peace. He didn’t wish to cause Tobias any panic if he should happen to wake up and find Azrael missing.
Azrael just followed the path that his feet led him on, not really giving thought to any sort of destination. Thoughts bounced around in his mind, colliding off of one another and making no real sense. He was torn between two very different choices that were laid out before him. There was the obvious choice, the one he wanted to do, which was to stay with Tobias and never leave him. The other choice was to return to Heaven and accept the punishment for the act that he had known was against everything he should have been preserving in the first place.
He loved Tobias, more fiercely and protectively than he had ever loved anything in his entire existence. His happiness meant more to Azrael than his own duty, why else would he have thrown everything away for him without thought? Yet, he had to consider just what he was risking by staying here, with Tobias. They would be found again, and he knew that his essence would be in tow when Gabriel and Raphael returned. Even if they managed to evade them for a while, they would still be hunted down, eventually. There was no real way to avoid it, and no way to prevent Azrael from being dragged back to Heaven.
In some ways, he was relieved that it was inevitable, even as he and Tobias fought against the imminent outcome. Without Azrael in his life, Tobias would hurt, there was no doubt of that, but he was stronger than he had been when they had first met. There would be a period of grieving, but he would be capable of moving on now. Without a renegade angel in tow, Tobias would be capable of starting over with his life, leading a far more normal existence, even with the knowledge of what lay beyond this world. He wouldn’t be forced to trek across the country, just to cling to the hope of keeping Azrael safe.
The thought of not having Tobias at his side hurt Azrael physically, yet if it was better for the human, why wouldn’t Azrael choose that course? Would it truly be better for Tobias to be free of him, rather than be strung along until he lost him anyway? He could simply be caving into the pressure, willing to give it all up in the hope that it turned out for the best. As an angel, fulfilling his duty had been simple, with every answer easily accessible. You aided the trapped souls of the hurting dead, and you guided them on to their true destination. There were no existential questions, worries about the future, and it didn’t ache to think about where he was now.
He blinked, realizing he had been walking without an exact destination in mind, too lost in his thoughts to pay attention to where he was heading. His feet had carried him to what appeared to be a public, though empty, park. The grass was still vibrantly green, though it was littered with the colorful debris of the changing trees, quivering in the faint breeze. He was sat upon one of two back-to-back benches.
“You alright, over there?”
Azrael jumped, realizing he wasn’t as alone as he thought he was. A strange man sat on the bench behind Azrael’s, his own back turned to him. He sat with a book open in his lap, facing out to the line of trees that dotted the park. A steaming cup of coffee was held in his thick-fingered grip, but it was the only part of the man’s skin he could really see. Like him, the man wore a hooded jacket, though his was pulled up so that he could only see the tip of his nose as he tilted his head in Azrael’s direction.
“Sorry, didn’t meant to scare you. You just looked a little confused about where you were.”
“Ah, apologies. I did not wish to intrude. I have apparently been so lost in my thoughts that I was paying little attention to where I was going.”
The hooded man nodded. “Makes sense. I find that most people that come to empty, open places like this are the ones who want some space to think. I’m not in your way for that, am I?”
Azrael smiled, charmed by this stranger’s manners. “No, thank you, especially since I am the intruder here, not you.”
“I find I have more time with my own thoughts than I would like, so I would not object to a bit of company.”
Azrael sighed. “I appreciate that. I believe I am familiar with the experience. I had thought that perhaps a little walk would clear my mind and enable a more rational approach to my problems, and yet I feel I only have more questions, instead of the answers I sought.”
“I believe that is called ‘over thinking,’ analytical types like you are prone to it.”
“It has never been a problem before.”
There was the sound of the man sipping his coffee. “Perhaps there is something more to lose or gain in whatever you’re thinking about than at other times?”
“Very much so.”
“Tell me about it.”
Azrael turned, still finding the man faced away from him. “It is not something I believe I could put into words. It is…quite the long tale.”
The hooded figure nodded. “Secrets then? That’s fine, I’m sure you can tell me enough to get the salient points across. Who knows, maybe it’ll help you come to a conclusion?”
Azrael sighed, thinking back to when Tobias had told him about his own stranger, though that had been in a bar rather than a park. Yet, it had worked for Tobias, and had brought both of them to a better place. Maybe the same would apply here? It wasn’t as if he were getting anywhere with his original approach.
“I really would not wish to impose upon you with my problems. You do not even know me.”
“Sometimes that’s the best time to talk, and trust me, I have nothing but time. Think of it this way, you would be doing me a favor by providing me with company, and by distracting me from my own problems.”
Azrael laughed at that, turning to face forward once more. “Very well. Simply put, I am torn between what feels right, and what I should believe is right.”
“And here I was expecting a lover’s quarrel, not an existential crisis. Tell me, what feels right, and what ‘should’ be right?”
Azrael wasn’t used to speaking in vagaries and allusions. Even as a guardian and helper of the dead, he had been as direct as he was thoughtful. Slowly he worked through the words in his head, finding ways to phrase them so that he didn’t end up convincing this man that he was utterly mad.
“I am…with someone, though I should not be. It is against everything I once stood for, being with him, and there are ones from my former life who seek to take me away from him. The truth is, I should not be with him, and it has come to light that by choosing to do so, I could be causing a great deal of harm to more than just the two of us. I cannot abide to the idea that what I do for myself, and for him, could bring great harm, yet I cannot bring myself to break from him when it feels more right than anything I have ever felt before in my entire existence.”
Lord Above, how could he forget Gabriel’s parting words? Azrael hadn’t put much stock in them before, but as the hours had passed, he began to see the connection. Components of Creation were falling apart, corroded by something within it. Though Azrael was, in fact, considered human enough to resist a direct effort of will, he was still an angel, albeit separated from his essence. Could it really be that his choice to remain with Tobias had begun the process of eating away at the foundation of Creation?
There was a sharp sound, and then the smell of rich smoke, as the stranger lit a cigarette. “So, let me see if I understand this. You come from a situation where what you feel for this man is considered wrong?”
“More the act of following through on such feelings, but yes.”
“And you are being made to believe that you are bringing great harm to many others by continuing this relationship? Not that you actually are, but only that you could be?”
Azrael was slow in his response, “I…yes. There is no proof.”
“And do you think there is truth in the idea that your love causes any harm whatsoever?”
Azrael sighed, “There is a precedent, that what I have been doing could cause a great deal of…change to a great many things.”
“Ah, change. Now there is an interesting choice of word. You made it sound as if you were attempting to bring about some destructive event.”
“It very well could be, if what they say is true.”
“Ah. ‘They’ say a great many things, I have found. However, I have also realized that change is not always bad in and of itself. Change is necessary, and there are always those who will fear it more than others. I know you did not ask, but I believe you shouldn’t alter your behavior, or have your choices made for you, simply because ‘they’ say you are wrong.”
“And if it is wrong? What if by staying with my original decision, I bring about worse pain than if I had simply left?”
“Now there lies the greatest question man has asked himself since the beginning of existence. Which choice causes the least amount of pain? But, people are limited in what they see as the amount of pain. They think only in the present, even when they believe they are thinking well into the future.”
Azrael snorted, wishing it was so easy for him to think that simply. “What separates productive change from destructive change?”
“Time. There has always been change, there has been nothing that has remained the same, except perhaps God. But maybe even He has changed over time, who can say? When you are discussing a being that is infinite, smaller perspectives would miss it or, possibly, see change where there is none. But for the world, for people? Change is eternal, and it is oftentimes necessary.”
“Are you proposing I continue this path simply because it would foment change?”
“I am saying that you shouldn’t not do it simply because it may bring about a great change. Perhaps ‘they’ could use a bit of change. You set out on this path before ‘they’ interfered, correct? You knew what you were doing from the moment you took that first step, yet you did it anyway. Maybe you were supposed to, and you are only just now facing the reality of what you have chosen. Yet, facing that reality doesn’t make what you chose any less valuable, and it doesn’t make that decision bad simply because you are seeing more than you did before.”
“It is rebellion against everything I once upheld.”
“Rebellion, revolt, insurgence, they’re all different ways of saying change. I believe you are scared of what changes you might bring. Actually, you sound completely terrified of it.”
Of course he was, that fear had been simmering inside him from the moment they had left the mountain. Seeing his brothers once more, hearing their words, he had been forced to confront it. Now, he was transfixed by that same dread and left to let it all out into the ears of some strange human he met in a random park. Everything he had chosen before had lead to this point, and he was now facing the enormity of that decision.
“I believe you have already made your choice. You are simply fighting the process of making peace with it. If you were truly that afraid of changing everything, you would have given into that urge already. This? This sounds more like you knowing that once, you would have cared, and you feel that you should still care, but know that in the end, you will choose the path that could alter everything you’ve known. Why wouldn’t that scare you?”
Azrael shook his head. “In truth? It matters little what I choose. In the end, the choice will be made for me.”
There was a pause, before a tone of concern crept into the stranger’s voice. “Is this a legal thing? Am I about to be surrounded by a bunch of cops waiting to arrest you?”
“No,” Azrael chuckled, “You do not have to worry about that.”
“Then how can you be forced?”
“I could not explain it to you even if I had the time, which I fear I do not.”
“Or want to apparently. Alright, fine, say that you can be forced to have to go, what then? Say there is no other option, and that you’re left with only the inevitability of being forced to go. Do you simply walk away meekly submitting, or do you continue to stand by what you have chosen from the beginning? Just because you have no choice of where you go, doesn’t mean you don’t have a choice of how you go.”
“Hm, what’s the phrase? ‘Make them work for it?’”
The man’s laugh was deep. “Indeed! Make them fight for every scrap that they’re trying to take from you. Just because they might win doesn’t mean you should just let them have it! You know what you believe to be right, so why shouldn’t you fight for it to the end?”
“This is a very peculiar conversation to have in the middle of a park with a man whose face I have yet to see.”
“I’ve found the best moments in life are the ones you never see coming, the same goes for conversations. Does what I’m saying make any sense? Or give any comfort?”
“I cannot speak of the comfort it may or may not give, but it does ease my mind. You spoke correctly, when you said that my mind was made up. It was decided the moment I chose to continue this path, and I have never been prone to changing my mind once I have been set on a path.”
“Then you have decided?”
“Yes, if I am going to be called a rebel, than I should do the title justice. In the end, whether I continue to run or not, means little, as the end result is chosen. Perhaps I am wrong in that, and there is more at play than even I can see, but I cannot change my mind simply because I fear the consequences. Particularly now that more possibilities have come to light.”
“And that means you will do what?”
Azrael breathed deeply, feeling his thoughts shifting into a more manageable position. This stranger did not know it, but he had touched on a reality of Azrael’s situation that Azrael, himself, had yet to consider. Whatever Gabriel or Raphael said, Azrael would believe nothing unless he saw the proof for himself. There was little else he could do to evade their pursuit of him and Tobias, but he would not willingly throw himself into their grasp simply because they sought to scare him.
He had seen no evidence that the world was suffering from his breaking of the laws. Perhaps it was because of them, but perhaps it was simply Gabriel fearing what could come of this. Even in angels, fear could cloud judgement and make them impulsive. The idea that Azrael was so blatantly breaking the laws was bound to make it even worse. His brother was not fond of any sort of rebellion, and was taking this act of Azrael’s personally.
“I am going to return to the man I love and face what comes without shame or regret.”
“Good, good,” the stranger intoned, his voice deepening, “Give them hell, Azrael.”
Azrael froze, twisting around to ask the man how he could possibly know his name, only to find the bench behind him devoid of anyone. The stranger’s steaming coffee cup remained, and his book sat, now closed, on the bench beside it. Azrael glanced around, trying to catch sight of him and finding only an empty park filled with trees and blowing leaves.
He stood, still glancing around him as he bent to inspect the only evidence that there had been anyone else with him. His eyes scanned the title of book, and a shiver ran down his spine. Even an angel such as himself knew many of the old classics, and what they entailed. This one was exceptionally well-known among the Host, and the speculation of the true source of inspiration for it, had reached Azrael even in Saul.
“Paradise Lost,” he whispered to the quiet air, wondering just what he had committed himself to.