James and I continued to get close over the next few weeks. He dragged me shopping and out to eat. I’d been able to get away from the clubbing nights but it was getting hard, he was persistent. I still hadn’t disclosed my pregnancy to anyone and I still wasn’t ready. I would prefer to hold off from revealing my secret for as long as possible.
Today during lunch, James asked me to accompany him later on to go to the mall to get a pair of shoes. I agreed, knowing I could use some new flats. The heels were about to be placed in the back of the closet for the unforeseen future. I wasn’t exactly showing and I’ve been doing very well with my wardrobe choices, my feet however seemed to be growing and swelling faster than anything.
When we got there, James appeared to be rushing through the shoe store constantly checking his watch. I guess he had plans later, but it was unusual. When I asked, he clammed up which made me feel extremely unsettled. I was in no place to feel like someone was keeping secrets from me or not being totally honest, I couldn’t afford it. To make matters worse, he was basically the only person I had these days but I couldn’t take that risk. We walked over to the food court after, and bought shakes and took a seat.
“What is going on with you today?” I asked James.
He continued to scan the room oblivious to my question. His eye lit up at something across the room and I tried to follow his gaze not quite seeing what had all of his attention. Giving up, I got up and got extra whipped cream for my shake. When I returned, James was no longer at the table alone. I walked up cautiously and when the new addition turned around I let out a deep sigh.
“Hi Gavin.” I greeted him flatly. It wasn’t that I was unhappy to see him, but this was a total setup if I’ve ever seen one.
“Hi Jianna, not happy to see me ‘eh?” He asked.
I smiled. “It isn’t that, I just wasn’t expecting to see you but it appears you were expecting to see us.” I said shooting a glare at James who had the decency to look guilty.
Gavin stood. “I’m sorry. Don’t blame James, I’ve been hounding him about you and he finally agreed to this. It’s my fault I just really wanted to see you again.” He rambled.
I shook my head unable to stay mad. “It’s fine. It is good to see you again.” I took a seat. “How are you?” I asked.
“You don’t mind me staying?” He asked hesitantly.
I shook my head. “We’re all here aren’t we, might as well stay.”
We all stayed chatting for about 45 minutes before the tiredness crept in and I needed to get home and relax. “Hey guys, I think I need to call it a day.” I said standing.
James nodded. “Yes doll, setting this up has been draining.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yea, sure.”
Gavin laughed. “I’ll walk you to your car.” He offered. James sighed and I looked over to see him holding his head up staring at James like he walked on water. I couldn’t hold my scoff back. Gavin turned to look at James and laughed at the way he was gazing at him.
Gavin walked me to my car in a comfortable silence. When we got there, I unlocked the doors and he opened the driver’s door for me. I slid in and he held the door open staring at me. “So, do you think we could maybe grab dinner or something?” He asked.
I bit my lip not sure what to do. He seemed nice enough, but let’s be serious I was in no way ready for anything new. Then again, what was I going to do? Keep my life on hold over Lucifer? So, I decided to throw caution to the wind, if I’m starting my life over I needed to be fully committed. “Sure.”
“Friday? Let’s say 8, I’ll pick you up?” he asked.
I nodded. “Sure, let me give you my number.” We swapped numbers and he gave me a smile before closing me in. He stayed in his spot watching as I drove away.
When Friday evening came around, I was a train wreck. This was really my first real date come to think of it. Before, all of the dating I’d done had been sneaking around and not getting caught was my primary focus. Then, there was Lucifer… we kind of skipped the normal dating getting to know you phase. That was just like an insane whirlwind of intense emotions and feelings and sex. Passionate, never before experienced, earth shattering sex. I shook my head to clear all thoughts of Lucifer and focused on the task at hand. I’ve never just been free to do whatever I pleased, to accept a date and go anywhere we wanted without the worry of my dad or someone ruining it.
After changing my clothes four times, I finally settled on a peach colored chiffon dress. It had a pretty beaded neckline and fell loosely to just above my knee. At five minutes to 8 I swiped on some big baby lip gloss by Mac and the doorbell rang. I drew in a deep breath and went to the door.
Gavin stood there in a pair of dark blue fitted jeans – thankfully not tight – and a navy-blue button up shirt and he had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. That was such a sexy look, it’s almost like guys do that as a teaser. Just to get a girls imagination going… trying to guess what else that shirt was covering. He smiled as he scanned over my outfit.
“You look amazing.” He said.
I blushed. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”
He took my hand and brushed his lips lightly against the back of it. “Ready?” He asked and I nodded.
I locked up and he helped me into his car before heading over to the restaurant. The place looked fairly fancy from the outside and I glanced at my outfit hoping I dressed properly for the place. He led me inside with his hand lying gently at the small of m back guiding me behind the hostess. We took our time with dinner talking about everything and nothing. I was having such a great time, that when desert arrived I dreaded what I was going to do.
You see Gavin seemed perfect. He was the man that I’d dreamed would eventually come into my life and be unafraid of my father and his ridiculous rules and just sweep me off of my feet. He was the perfect gentleman; funny, handsome, chivalrous… you name it he seemed to have it in spades. His physique was like he hit the gym a few times a week, but there were other things. Like his arms they weren’t as large as Lucifer’s. He lacked the chest and broad shoulders that could completely encase me when in bed. He lacked that raw power that exuded off of few men that practically screamed his dominance, that natural threat that he is not one to mess with. Most importantly, the passion that could only be pulled off between two people who won’t back down. What was lacking was that pull, the feeling that even when you want to run away from danger you have no choice but to step directly into the flame. The challenge, the fire. It’s all consuming and once you’ve had it, it’s hard to want anything less.
I’m sure that I’m playing a dangerous game with myself. I knew deep down the issue was that he wasn’t Lucifer and that wasn’t entirely healthy on my part… I just couldn’t help but crave it. Yes, it wasn’t nearly all butterflies and sunshine, but when it was good it was amazing. I wasn’t ready to move on from there and it wasn’t right to deceive or use this great guy. I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to look at him as more than a friend and truth be told I wasn’t ready to move on. Not to mention I couldn’t really build a relationship on a lie. Here I knew I was pregnant and even if he accepted it – which I honestly thought he would, he seemed that great – it wouldn’t be the truth. I wasn’t engaged to a great man that died. I got knocked up by a crazy and dangerous man who I’m hiding from. It wasn’t fair and even if I wanted more than anything to backtrack and want the things I did before I stepped foot in the MC I knew couldn’t. He was everything I thought I wanted in the past and probably still should but after being exposed to the intensity that is Lucifer and I… how can you want anything less?
I couldn’t tell him the truth obviously and as much as I hated to lie to him I had no choice. I wouldn’t let my screw ups hurt this man. I took in a deep breath and went for it.
“Look Gavin, you’re a really great guy…” I started and his head dropped.
“Please don’t… if you’re not into me its fine to say so.” He told me.
My heart broke a bit at his dejected attitude. I reached out and grabbed his hand. “No listen to me. You’re a great guy and I really like you and would like to remain friends I enjoy your company. It’s just not a good time for me.”
He let out a sigh and went to stand as if he was done with the conversation. “Can you give me a minute to explain?” I pleaded. For some strange reason, I didn’t want to lose him altogether; at least not like this. It might be selfish but he was truly someone I could have as a good friend.
He sat back down and gave me his attention. “I just moved to Cayuga like I told you. You know that I’m new here just not why I moved here. In Maryland, my parents were in a car crash. My fiancée was driving them to the airport and they got into a car accident, they all died. It hasn’t been that long and I’m still trying to piece myself together. I’m not ready…” at least my feelings were true.
His eyes softened and he released a breath. “I’m sorry if I pushed you, I didn’t know. I get it, I do… I wish you’d had just told me that to begin with.”
I shook my head. “I liked you and didn’t want to just blow you off. I just know that mentally I’m not in a place where this would ever work. I’m a confused mess inside and I wish I weren’t but I am.” It felt good to admit that out loud.
“I get it.” He stood and offered me his hand. I took it and stood with him when he pulled me into his arms. “I wish you were too. Let’s get out of here?” he asked.
When I agreed, he put some money down on the table and we left. He dropped me off at home and walked me to the door. He lightly brushed his lips against my forehead before heading back to his car. I watched as he drove away and a breeze picked up. I heard the distant sound of a motorcycle and my body broke out in goosebumps. I looked around frantically expecting for all of the Hades Riders to appear but nothing more happened. I curled up in my bed and tried to put all thoughts of my old life to the back of my mind.
The next day having to explain to James that there would be no second date for me and Gavin was like a soap opera. He just couldn’t accept it as he had big plans of dating Gavin vicariously through me. To say he was the most devastated of the three of us would be an extreme understatement. When I recited the story that I’d made up I almost couldn’t take the guilt threatening to consume me. He was deeply sorry and it opened up the flood gates to questions about said dead fiancée. I hadn’t prepared myself for these lines of questioning, so I told him that it was a huge sore spot and I just wasn’t ready to open up. He reassured me that he was there and ready for me when I am. Now I have something else to lie about, I have to create this old boyfriend of mine. I figured I’d have some time before I actually had to cave into the discussion but I needed to get my story straight.
This was proving harder than I’d originally thought. Running was easy, living the lie is really hard.