Chapter 1
Emma
Glancing around Lucas’s house as I sit on his couch, I feel like I’m frozen.
But the world still keeps moving…turning…as the last connection to my life with Lucas, the only man who I’d ever allowed myself to love – to possibly give up my dreams for - had just been firmly severed.
I feel a swelling storm begin to churn and brew deep inside of me.
And then, suddenly, I’m inexplicably angry.
Angry with him for not understanding and supporting me in my career decisions.
Angry with me…
Because I’d allowed myself to fall for him…
Allowed him close enough to change me, who I was, what I wanted.
And now look at me.
Left here.
Alone.
Angrily, I swipe at the tears streaming down my face as I scream out to the empty room, “Why couldn’t Lucas have given it a try?”
My throat aches, the words as if scratching my throat raw.
There’s no answer…
Only silence.
I angrily push myself to stand, as I silently fume, - Why couldn’t he understand that it had nothing to do with not wanting him? That it was something inside me, had been there all my life, that I needed to do?
Suddenly, I’m overtaken by weakness and my legs threaten to give out.
A sob erupts involuntarily from my throat as frustration now mixes with my erratic emotions. Frustration with myself for allowing him in. Frustration with Lucas because he just walked away from me.
Just god damn walked away.
And now despair swirls through me at the thought of never seeing him again.
Memories swell over me, torturing me as I stand lost in the center of his living room, and I feel as if I’m in my own self-inflicted personal torture chamber as I remember how he’d once wrapped his hands around my waist, easily lifting me to the kitchen counter, to kiss me softly as he told me how happy he was that I’d moved in with him.
How he’d whispered so sweetly in my ear that I’d made this place feel like home instead of just a house.
More tears spring to my eyes.
How he could just let all of that go…
I think back on the conversation I just had with his mother on the phone.
She told me to go, that Lucas wanted me to leave his house…
To just leave everything Lucas and I had to follow my dream…
That Lucas is trying his best to cope with my decision…
Mockingly, I ask the empty room, “Why couldn’t I do what I always dreamed of and have Lucas too?”
My emotions continue to swirl – so sporadic - as I now feel overwhelmed, unable to deal with all of these gut twisting emotions.
I suddenly have to get away from this house and all its memories.
A sob tears from my heart – my soul – and escapes through my throat, burning it as tears start to burn my eyes.
If he wanted to let me go that easily, to not even make an attempt at a long-distance relationship then it was never meant to be, - I think angrily even as tears drip down my face and onto my hand.
Laying my key to his home on the kitchen counter, I take a last glance around, my eyes catching on a picture of us from Christmas that my mother had snapped as we sat underneath our first – and only - Christmas tree. It seems to be taunting me from its position where it sits on the fireplace, wrenching my heart again hurtfully in my chest.
Taking away my breath with the shear pain, further tearing me apart into pieces, leaving me feeling that I’ll never have enough strength to pull myself together again.
To make myself feel like a whole person.
Ever again…
Another deep sob tears from my chest.
I have to get away from here, - I mentally repeat over and over to myself as I stumble blindly to the door.
Angrily – frustrated, all while falling apart - I once again try to unsuccessfully swipe away the tears that are now blurring my way as I open the door.
When it clicks softly shut behind me, its sound is maximized in my head, sounding like a gun shot.
And all anger drains from me.
Despair overwhelms me and takes its place again as I make my way blurrily to my car.
The tears continue to fall, obscuring my vision as I turn my car around and head down the deserted road, thankful that I don’t have to share it with anyone because I know my driving is erratic, like a drunken driver, as I weave my way half blindly back to the cottage.
My heart aches – heavy in my chest as I drive away from Lucas’s home.
The place that I’d come to think of as my home…
Arriving back to the cottage, my body has now taken on uncontrollable tremors as a feeling of coldness and numbness takes over.
As I stumble up the stairs to the front door, tears are still blinding me as I turn to insert the key into the lock several times before the key drops from my hand to land on the mat next to my feet.
It suddenly feels as if it will take all of my energy, like an overwhelming task, to just reach down and pick them up.
It’s just so much easier to give up and allow my body to take over. Sliding to the ground, I curl my legs underneath me as I prop my head against the door, resting my cheek against it, as I allow the sobs to take over completely.
As each one tears through me, it only hurts more and more and then finally I feel nothing…
Nothing but hollowness…
So empty.
I sit propped against the door, staring out over the vineyard, feeling the gentle breeze on my cheek as I think of nothing.
Because I have nothing...
Eventually, as if I’m a robot with no further emotions, I simply start to repeat silently, - You’ll get through this, - in an attempt to get myself together enough to open the door.
Unable to gather the strength to stand, I wearily push my back away from the door to pick up the key from where it is lying next to me on the porch.
Stretching my arm up, feeling as if it has a dead weight attached to it, I hold it between trembling fingers as I insert the key into the slot.
Twisting the knob, the door swings open and Quinny is thankfully right there, having patiently waited for me to open the door from the moment she heard me outside.
Quickly, without waiting a moment longer, she climbs into my lap and I wrap both of my arms around her gratefully as I lift her tiny body to my face, burying my face in her warm fur.
“I’ve lost him, Quinny. I’ve lost him,” I admit in a choked whisper. Just as I thought I was completely empty, more tears squeeze from my eyes as another sharp, searing pain explodes in my chest.
I squeeze her tight…
And then squeezing my eyes tightly together, I take a deep breath.
There’s nothing for me here now. I have to pull myself together and get us both to LA.
Still holding Quinny in one arm, I finally resolve myself to gain the strength to push to a standing position. Turning, feeling like there are heavy weights strapped to my ankles, I head back down the steps as I take Quinny on a last walk through the vines around the cottage before it’s time to leave for our flight.
But as I do, every step brings further pain as I can’t stop the memories from flowing over me.
How he had laughingly chased me through these vines once, threatening to do all kinds of things to me if he caught me…
My mind flashes, memories of him catching me…
Me, allowing myself to be caught, because I wanted him to do all of those things he promised.
My heart catches…
A sob settles deep in my throat, as if trying to strangle me.
I’d stupidly allowed him to catch me in so many ways, - I silently acknowledge.
A tear wells up, brimming over and falling down my cheek.
I’d stupidly allowed myself to fall in love with him, – I continue to admonish myself.
Instead of the excitement I had once thought I would feel upon chasing my dream, I now only feel desolation.
Completely empty.
Without hope.
Without any of the driving need to follow my dreams.
Lucas not only took all of my heart.
He took my passion for my dreams with him.
My steps are heavy, those weights still feeling as if they are strapped to my ankles, as I load my car with my few meager belongings. Then, driving down the road, away from the cottage – away from Lucas - tears are once again blurring my eyes.
“Buck up, girl,” I whisper aloud through my aching throat as I approach the main road and come to a stop at the turn that will take me away from here.
Away from him...
And all that I’ve come to love…
“You’ve a long road ahead of you,” I continue to myself aloud, trying to find my courage to continue, away from the only man who I ever loved.
The man who has stripped me completely bare.
Hastily grabbing tissues from the glove compartment, I wipe away my tears before sighing deeply.
The indicator seems to tick heavily in my head as I slowly take the turn that will lead me back to the highway.
Towards a future without Lucas.
As I place mile after mile between us, my wildly swinging emotions of despair, frustration, anger – complete desolation – doesn’t lighten.
Instead, the temptation to turn around, to go back becomes stronger and stronger as the miles between us increase.
But I know if I do, I’ll have regrets.
Always wonder what if…
And he would always wonder if he held me back or not.
So, I continue, even though I feel like I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.
Arriving at the airport, I park my car in the long-term parking area until I can decide what to do with it.
If I would ever need it again.
After checking in and going through security, the last thing I want is to be around other people, so I head to the gate and sit in a corner, hoping no one will disturb me. Getting through security had been hard enough, trying to pretend everything is right in my world as the rest of the world continued mercilessly onwards.
Still spinning around perfectly on its axis - as if there is nothing wrong.
As if my world is not falling apart.
My phone rings in my purse and my heart catches. I hold my breath as I retrieve it, helplessly hoping that Lucas had changed his mind.
That he’ll at least consider a long-distance relationship.
But it’s my mother’s image that fills my screen.
Tears brim my eyes again as I accept her call.
“Hi, Mom,” and my voice cracks on just those two simple words.
“Oh, Emma. I’ve been thinking about you since you called me yesterday. Lucas hasn’t changed his mind?” I can hear the worry for me coming through the invisible wires.
“No…he didn’t…” I manage to squeak out before I have to swallow thickly, pushing back the large lump of emotion that is threatening to erupt.
I hear her deep sigh and then there is silence between us for a few moments.
And then, “Is there anything I can do?” I hear her whisper.
A tear drops from my eye, landing on my leg, and I focus on it, watching it absorb into the material of my jeans.
A lump forms in my throat and I can’t speak for a moment.
Swallowing thickly, I whisper admittedly, “I fell in love with him, Mom. Nothing has ever hurt as much as this.”
“Oh honey, I already knew you were in love with him. Seeing you with him – well, it made my heart feel good. I thought he was perfect. Perfect for you.”
Her words unintentionally hurt me more and I close my eyes.
I hear her sigh deeply and then she continues, “But if he couldn’t support you, understand why you needed to do this Emma, then he isn’t the right man for you. Because the daughter I know, and love most in this world, will always persist in following her dreams and anyone – any man – that tries to stop that,” she pauses for a moment before she continues in a softer tone, “he could never be with you.”
I know what she is saying is true, but it doesn’t stop the wrenching sob that has seemed to have been caught in my throat from burning. I try to stifle the burning, aching, searing sensation as I sit – never feeling so alone and lost - in a corner of a busy airport.
When I feel that I can finally speak, I whisper, “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Emma,” I hear her respond and I wish she was here, next to me to wrap her arms around me, to tell me I’m going to be all right just like she used to do when I was a child up until the day I left home to strike out on my own.
She was always there for me.
Always.
“I’m so very proud of you,” I hear her murmur and it’s the words I needed to hear. They’re not the same as having her arms around me, but they are the words I needed her to say to give me the courage to step on that plane, to continue down this path, away from Lucas.
I hear my boarding call being announced over the speaker and I sigh deeply, wiping away my tears as I wearily push myself to a standing position.
“They just called for boarding on my flight,” I whisper hoarsely.
“Okay, sweetheart. Text me when you land and call me later tonight if you need me, okay?” I hear her say.
Unable to help myself, I whisper, “I love you so, so much, Mom. I’ll always need you.”
“I’ll be here, Emma. You know I will. No matter what you do, where you go, I’ll be right here for you,” she murmurs.
My heart squeezes, so very appreciative of her.
Pressing the end call button, I take a moment to get myself together - to mentally gather together the broken pieces of me.
Grasping the handle of Quinny’s rolling pet carrier, I take the next initial steps to the next phase of my life as I hand the attendant my passport and boarding pass.
The flight to LA passes quickly as I become unaware of the passage of time, my head feeling completely out of it, only thinking about all that I’d given up.
My mother’s words come back to me and I know she’s right.
That I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t support my dreams.
Over time, at some point, I’d become angry and resentful.
It’s that thought that keeps me going, propelling myself forward to step off the plane in LAX - even as my heart aches unbearably in my chest.
I’m unprepared for Eric to be waiting for me at the gate, with his suave, well-practiced smile in place. All I can think of is how I want so badly to wipe it off his face.
He’s the last person I wanted to see right now. I’d expected to get a taxi to the address he had given me. I needed time to settle, to allow my mind to grapple with the whirlwind of the past couple of days before I had to deal with Eric, but it looks like he’s going to press himself on me from the moment I land.
Anger swirls through me and is now directed towards him.
Despite what Eric thinks, what Lucas thinks, I could never be bought. They both could think what they wanted but they would both see in time that I’m here for one thing, and one thing only.
To build my own business.
Something that was my idea, that flourished from my hard work and determination.
There would never be anything between Eric and me other than a mutually respectful, working relationship because there was no force propelling me towards him, not like Lucas.
With Lucas, he had come into my life so forcefully, like a wrecking ball beating down the walls of my heart, completely obliterating it and leaving nothing behind for anyone else.
Eric could never compare.
Would I ever feel that way for someone ever again? - I silently question myself.
The thought makes my heart trip…
Hurting…
I know I’ll never forget him despite the miles between us. That I’ll always be searching for what I had with Lucas.
He has irrevocably broken me and I’m not the same person I was before I met him.
Because of that, because I’d allowed that to happen, I knew there would be no one else for me, to make me feel that way again.
Ever.
Eric’s gaze sweeps over my appearance, his eyes, as always, dissecting me as I approach him.
"Rough flight?" he asks.
He’s so god damn callous and unfeeling.
Shaking my head, I think of the past couple of days and tears spring to my eyes. This is why I didn’t want Eric here right now. I’m too weak to deal with him and I need to firmly put him in his place, to let him know in no uncertain terms that I have no interest in him romantically.
But I just don’t have the strength right now and a tear wells threateningly on my bottom eyelid.
Eric’s face shows a momentary shock, his suave countenance slipping, as the tear escapes to slide down my cheek despite my willing it not to fall.
Then keeping true to his character of being uncaring and cold, he recovers quickly and I’m grateful for it.
I just need him to back off right now.
"Let's grab your bags," he says stoically. He’s clearly out of his depth in having to deal with an emotional woman, as he turns quickly from me – dismissing me and my tears as easily as that – to stride over to the luggage carousel.
I remain quiet as I wait for my sole bag.
Eric is thankfully silent as well, only speaking to the porter in an abrupt tone as he gestures to the bag that I’d just retrieved myself along with Quinella’s travelling bag.
Shaking my head, I wrap my hand more firmly around Quinny’s carrier handle as I murmur, “She stays with me.”
Eric’s cold gaze comes up to me, about to say something, but he sees the expression on my face and doesn’t press it.
“Just this bag then,” he says, clearly perturbed, to the porter.
I can’t help but think that if Lucas was here, he wouldn’t think twice about taking my luggage himself. He had no pretentious airs about him.
That and his old school gentlemanly manners.
It was one of the things that I loved most about him…
My heart stops for a beat as I stumble over that past tense word.
Yes, I loved him – still love him – but you need to do this and push forward. It’ll get easier with time, - I firmly tell myself.
Eric, in his abrupt manner, pays the porter, not bothering to say thank you and I can’t help but wonder what has happened in his life to make him so cold.
So unfeeling.
My mother always told me that if someone is cold and calculating, it’s because that has been their experiences with life, and to try to see past it to the real and hurting human underneath.
But with Eric…
I’ve never met anyone as cold and as calculating as him and I can’t imagine him allowing anyone close enough to him to give them the chance to hurt him.
After settling into the backseat of the chauffeured limo, I stare out the window, wishing that I was in a cab and that Eric was not here.
I only want to be alone.
I hear a pop and my shocked gaze goes to him as he expertly holds a bottle of champagne to pour a glass for me.
He ignores my gaze, filling the glass before handing it to me saying, “I think we should toast to your arrival.”
I ignore his outstretched hand, staring at him, fascinatingly wondering how he could be so obtuse to someone else’s pain.
“No, thanks,” I murmur and turn my gaze back to the passing scenery outside my window.
It finally seems to sink into his dull-witted brain that his toast was inappropriate, and he – thankfully - remains silent the rest of the ride.
While I silently wonder what the hell I have in store for myself going into business with someone who seems to have no heart.