CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

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- NOW -

"ARE YOU SURE you're–"

"I'm fine, ballerina," Kellan said with exasperation. I'd plumped up half a dozen pillows, arranging them around him so he was comfortable. I loved that he hadn't wanted to go back to his apartment after leaving the hospital. He was here. In my bed. With me.

I clutched the last pillow to my chest. "Do you need–"

"I don't need anything,” he said, shaking his head. His eyes were soft – if not slightly amused – as they looked at me. "Go and have a nice hot bath. Relax. Pamper yourself."

"Is that a hint?" I joked only half-heartedly. "You trying to tell me I stink?"

"Maybe I am.” His words were teasing, but I could tell by the stubborn tilt to his chin that he was serious about me taking some time for myself. “And come back here once you're done."

I raised an eyebrow at that last command, but turned to leave anyway. He could be bossy while he was recovering. I knew how all the laying about was driving him mad, but I doubted I’d be able to put up with it for long. "Fine."

His hand closed around my wrist, stopping me from moving.

"Before you go." He pulled me down towards him. Cupping the side of my face in one hand, he pressed his lips against mine.

I was smiling as I closed the bedroom door behind me. He did that to me. He drove me crazy, but I loved him.

Holy shit.

I loved him. I marveled at the thought, though I wasn’t surprised by it. It didn't feel like a revelation. I loved him, and I think I’d known that for a while now. I just wasn’t scared to embrace it anymore.

I made my way to the bathroom, carrying a towel and some pajamas. I'd never really been a bath type of girl. Instead, I showered, shaved, and then moisturized – all the while feeling giddy, like I had a secret to share. I loved Kellan Reed.

I heard the front door close as I stepped out of the shower. It must have been Phoenix’s therapist finally leaving.

Deciding to see if he was okay, I knocked on the guestroom door.

"Come in," Phoenix said quietly. If I hadn't been listening so intently for sounds of movement, I wouldn’t have heard him. I pushed the door open, poking my head inside. He was sitting cross-legged on the bed, staring out of the window.

"Hey." I stepped further into the room. "How're you doing?"

He shrugged, his hair messy and as wild as a mop on top of his head. "I feel numb, and I feel guilty for feeling numb, even though it's the damn pills my shrink prescribed me."

"But you need them, right?” I asked, coming to sit beside him on the bed. I didn’t like the bleak look in his eyes at all.

"Yeah. I have to carry on taking them. And amp up my weekly therapy hours," he said, not sounding happy about it.

"Would it feel better if you were in pain? I asked gently. I knew I would have embraced being able to cut out the pain.

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore," he said, looking helpless. I reached over, and squeezed his hand.

"I can understand that, Phoenix. Really, I can. But please don't do anything hasty. Don't stop taking your pills," I pleaded, keeping my eyes focused on him.

"I won't," he said in a small voice.

I put an arm around him. "It might not seem like it, but things will get better. One of those bastards is dead, and the other will be going to prison for a long time," I told him, feeling him shake underneath my arm. "They haven’t gotten away with what they did to Poppy.”

He turned to look at me, eyes red-rimmed behind his glasses. "The only reason she was there was because of me."

"And the only reason they were there was because of me," I whispered through the ball in my throat. Hearing him blame himself helped me understand what Dad had been trying to say at the hospital.

Poppy really was gone. It wasn't Phoenix’s fault, and maybe it wasn't mine either.

* * *

Kellan was fast asleep by the time I slipped back into my bedroom. The sun hadn’t fully set yet, but I’d drawn the curtains, and the room was dark. I snuggled down on the bed beside him, careful not to move his pillows. He was so incredibly warm, I couldn't help but gravitate towards him.

I wasn't sleepy at all. As I lay there in the dark, my thoughts raced. 

Dad. Axel. Poppy. Phoenix. Kellan.

Again and again, I thought about the past few days. And I worried about the coming days. Whether Axel would wake up. Whether Dad really would be returning home with us after court or if he'd be leaving in handcuffs. 

Feeling kind of like I was suffocating, I tried to match my breathing to the steady rise and fall of Kellan's chest. I shifted, trying to get comfortable. Maybe I’d take a nap before heading back to the hospital. My arm brushed his, and it was only then that I felt how hot Kellan was. His arm was scorching.

I placed my hand on his forehead, worry encompassing me as I felt his temperature. I slipped out of bed and dug through his bag, looking for the drugs the doctor had given him. Finding a bottle, I squinted at the label.

Going back to the bed, I shook him gently. I didn't want to startle him – not with his hip wound. "Kellan," I whispered.

"Hmm," he mumbled. 

"Kellan," I said louder. 

"What?" He opened his eyes blearily. As he looked at me, bent over him, his eyes cleared, lingering on the dip at the front of my tank top. "Yeah, ballerina?" he said, his voice turning husky.

"How do you feel?"

"How do I–?" He blinked at me, looking confused.

"Here." I handed him two pills and grabbed the water bottle I’d placed on the nightstand earlier. “The label says you should take them three times a day.”

"Thanks." He swallowed the pills, and then settled back into the bed. "Come here."

He moved the covers back, inviting me closer. I nestled into his side. Hooking a leg over his, I was careful to avoid the thick white bandage on his injured hip. He sighed, the sound soft and content, and I felt him place a quick kiss on my cheek.

I turned my head, capturing his mouth with mine. He threw himself into the kiss with more vigor than I'd thought possible.

I pulled back when things began to get even more heated. "You just got shot a few days ago,” I reminded him.

"I haven’t forgotten," he said breathlessly, eyes still focused on my lips. He kissed me again.  

It was a while before I managed to get the strength to move back again.

"Kellan, you'll hurt yourself," I protested.

"It'll be worth it," he said, his cheek rubbing against mine. He hadn't shaved today, and his stubble felt rough against my skin. I imagined how it'd feel, rubbing against the inside of my thighs, and... I needed to put a stop on those thoughts. Or I’d never keep my resolve.

"You'll regret it tomorrow," I told him.

"Trust me, ballerina, that isn’t even remotely possible,” he said, looking at me like I was crazy.

A smile had begun to work its way onto my face. I'd been on the verge of an anxiety attack earlier, but his attempt to seduce me was making me feel lighter, helping me to breathe easier.

"Tomorrow, then." I gave in, but not entirely.

"I'll hold you to it." He kissed my neck, before pulling back a little. Despite his enthusiasm, he must have been exhausted. Not two minutes later, his breathing evened out and he fell fast asleep. I closed my eyes, too, feeling warm and comfortable. I’d rest my eyes for a bit, and then head back to the hospital.

It wasn't long before I was fast asleep.

* * *

The ringing of my phone woke me. I opened a bleary eye, noticing that it was dark out, and fumbled for my cell on my nightstand.

I looked at the caller ID, my eyes hurting from the brightness of the screen, and saw that Dad was calling. What time was it? Despite Dad telling me to stay at home, I’d fully intended on going back to the hospital.

Had something happened?

I answered the phone, suddenly feeling wide awake

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I asked, sitting up. Kellan stirred beside me.

"I'm fine. It's Axel." I could hear the smile in his voice. "His mom made such a racket, I'm sure the whole floor’s heard. He's awake, sweetheart. He's awake."

I let out a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. "I'll be right there." 

Saying goodbye to Dad, I hung up the phone and jumped out of bed. Axel was awake. I felt excited and nervous. Relieved and scared. How would he react when he saw me?

"What’s going on?" Kellan asked, voice rough with sleep. He sat up slowly, and I could tell that the movement pained him.

"Axel's awake," I told him, searching for some clothes. "He's really awake."

“I’ll come with you,” Kellan said, watching the happiness on my face with careful eyes. Pushing the covers away, he used his arms to push himself off the bed.

“You don't need to do that. You should stay here and rest,” I told him, yanking a pair of jeans on over my shorts and grabbing a turtle-neck. The hickeys on my neck had begun to fade, but were still visible.

“I'm coming,” he said firmly, reaching for his crutches next to the bed. I didn't argue with him again.

* * *

Axel’s mom was outside his room when l got off the elevator. Even though he’d tried to hide it, Kellan had been struggling to walk. I'd made him wait in the cafeteria downstairs. The fact that he hadn't argued – much – really showed how much pain he was in.

“How is he?” I asked Axel’s mom. She’d just been closing Axel’s door behind her when I approached.

"As well as can be expected,” she said, her face tired and a little cool as she looked at me. She was a tiny woman, several inches shorter than me, with short blonde hair.

“Can I go in and see him?” I asked. I didn't know why I felt like I needed to ask her permission. She’d never come out and directly said anything to me, but it had become clear to me over the past few days that she blamed me for what had happened to Axel.

She nodded briskly, turning to leave. She paused before she left though, and turned to look at me. “He loves you. Don’t hurt him.”

I could have said the exact same thing to her. There were so many times that she'd let Axel down, so many times that she'd hurt him. But I didn't say a thing, swallowing my words as she walked off. This wasn’t about her, or me. It was about Axel. I didn’t want to hurt him either.

I took in a deep breath, opening his door. A nurse was inside, checking his vitals. She lowered her clipboard when I entered, but I hardly looked at her. My eyes were fixed on Axel.

He looked exhausted. There were purple circles under his eyes, matching the bruises on his face. The swelling was still all over his face, and would take a while to go down.

When his eyes met mine, I saw relief there, and immeasurable sadness. My stomach twisted, even as my heart leaped to see his startling eyes awake.

'I'll be back in a little while,’ the nurse signed, much to my surprise. Shooting me a harried smile, she left the room.

I took a seat beside him, feeling unsure.

‘I'm so glad to see you awake,’ I signed. He nodded, his eyes roaming over my face. They lingered at the bruises on my head. ‘It’s nothing. They’ll fade,’ I told him.

‘What happened?’ he signed, the tubes in his arms stretching as he lifted his arms.

I filled him in on everything that had happened after... after he’d left Phoenix’s house. ‘Dad is just two doors down from you,' I finished.

Axel nodded. ‘I'd like to see him before he leaves.’ 

‘He’d like that,’ I told him, both of us falling silent. I didn't want to bring up Kellan, but it hung in the air between us. The proverbial elephant in the room.

‘It’s okay. I’ll be your friend, just your friend,’ he signed clumsily.

‘I–‘ I paused, words failing me. 'I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry, Axel. I'm so sorry.'

‘Don't be,’ he signed. ‘I always knew how you felt – which was why I never said anything. I guess I couldn't… that morning, I just couldn't pretend.

I didn't know what to say to that. My heart was in my throat as I signed, 'You're my best friend, Axel. I couldn't imagine my life without you.’ I glanced at my hands clenched together on my lap. ‘I'm so sorry that this happened.'

‘It's not your fault.’ He shook his head, his hands agitated. ‘They could have just let me walk off. I didn't see or hear them until they were on me. They jumped me just for the fun of it.’

"Bastards," I said with vehemence.

Axel looked down, his hands falling tiredly to the bed.

The door opened behind us. I turned to see that Axel's mom had returned, a coffee cup in hand.

"I think Axel needs his rest now," she said, her eyes narrowing as they looked at me.

Taking the hint, I stood.

'I'll be back tomorrow,' I told him, before squeezing his hand. I hesitated by the door, signing, ‘sorry.’ It was one word, but it described everything I was feeling perfectly.

I opened Dad's door, just a few feet away from Axel’s room, quietly, not sure if he'd fallen asleep. I smiled as I heard him snoring.

I found Kellan in the corner of the cafeteria, his head bent awkwardly as he slept.

“Kellan,” I said softly. He jerked, blinking rapidly. I was filled with such affection for him, I wanted to hug him and never let him go.

His eyes came alert quickly, scanning the room. The meds might have made him sleepy, but they didn’t completely erase his vigilant nature. "You okay?"

"Yeah. He’s my friend," I said simply.

He nodded like he understood me perfectly. "Come on, let's go."

We'd deal with whatever came next. Together.