Chapter 14

Andrew

 

Since the ship was sailing today, everyone was onboard, which meant everything onboard was packed with people. Surprisingly, there wasn’t much of a wait in the restaurant we picked for breakfast, but that may have been because it was nearly eleven by the time we finally decided to have breakfast. As we were leaving, the line was spilling out the door as people showed up for lunch.

Eric and I had explored the ship before, but it was something to do, so we wandered aimlessly up along the various decks. We window-shopped a little outside the obscenely overpriced shops. Peeked into the casino. Strolled by the pools. Nothing really called to either of us, and that was fine by me—I was enjoying just walking with him.

Eventually, we found a deck that was…not deserted, but not crowded. A few people were lounging on sunchairs, some of them reading while others chatted or dozed. It was relatively quiet out here, too.

Eric stopped and leaned back against the railing. I stood next to him, facing the water with my forearms on the top bar.

Beside me, he took in a deep breath through his nose. “Man. I almost didn’t take this trip, but I’m really glad I did. I didn’t realize how bad I needed some actual downtime for more than day or two.”

Downtime. I had a lot of that on my hands these days, didn’t I?

There’s a simple solution for that, you know.

A ball of lead grew in my stomach as I stared out at the water. What was I doing?

Eric touched my arm. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

I chewed the inside of my cheek. “Honestly? I still feel kind of guilty for even being here.”

“Yeah?” Eric glanced at me. “Why’s that?”

I exhaled as some heat rushed into my cheeks that had nothing to do with the Mediterranean sun. “I should be looking for a job, not screwing around.” I paused. “I mean, screwing around on vacation. Not…”

He put his arm around my waist. “I know what you mean. And to be honest, I think you’re fine.”

“Really?”

“Definitely.” He let me go and leaned on his elbow on the railing, facing me. “Okay. Hypothetically, let’s say you skipped the cruise, and by the time your parents came home, you were already working your new job.”

“Like I could find one that fast, but all right.”

“Like I said, hypothetically. Now, how long do you think it would take before you started feeling the grind again and wishing you’d taken this opportunity”—he tapped his knuckle on the railing—“while you had it?”

He broke eye contact and looked out at the water. I had to admit, he had a point.

“Take it from me,” Eric said gently. “There is way more to life than just working and paying bills. Because that’s about all I’ve been doing for the last seven years, and I regret the shit out of it.”

“But there’s a pretty big difference between being a workaholic and just…putting in enough effort to actually get a job, you know? Not going on a luxury vacation instead of sending out résumés?”

“Andrew.” He put touched my forearm. “You will find another job and get on your feet. And when you’re ninety, you’ll enjoy these memories a lot more than you’ll regret taking a couple weeks to yourself.”

“Fair point. I guess I just feel…” I chewed my lip, staring out at the glittering blue water. “It’s not just the job hunt, you know? For the longest time, I’ve felt like…Like I’m just drifting through my life. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a career goal or a path beyond ‘find a fucking paycheck’.” Sighing heavily, I shook my head. “Even when I still had a job, I was flailing a bit. Had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. And now that I don’t have one…”

“Don’t think some job is going to fall out of the sky and change that. Trust me—having a solid career and feeling like you’re drifting aimlessly through your life? Not mutually exclusive.”

I turned toward him. His eyes were unfocused, his expression distant.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean…” Eric took a breath as he faced me. “Careerwise, I’ve got my shit together. House? Money? Car? Got it. Everything else?” Deflating a bit, he shook his head. “Not so much.”

“Like what? I’d sell my soul to have the house, money, and car thing together.”

“Yeah, but would you want to focus so hard on having those and building your business that you let the man you thought were going to marry slip right through your fingers?”

I blinked. “Whoa.”

Clearing his throat, Eric turned around and leaned over his forearms, looking out at the water. “It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the last week or so. Since I left for the trip, to be honest. The thing is, I didn’t make my ex cheat on me, but the more I think about it, the more I think I didn’t exactly give him a reason to stay with me either.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Eric sighed. “I’ve lived and breathed my job ever since the day we started the firm. And my ex…” He was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was so soft, the wind almost swallowed it completely. “I loved him. I honestly did. But I wasn’t very good at it, you know? Not when I was too busy being Mr. Go-Getter.” He looked at me, features taut. “If I were Chris, I probably would have cheated on me too.”

My lips parted, and I couldn’t resist running a hand up his back. “What? Why?”

He swallowed, facing the water again. “The fact that I’m on this trip by myself pretty much sums up what I’ve done to my love life. I ended up going on my honeymoon alone, and instead of just relaxing and enjoying the time off, it’s a struggle to go more than a day or two without checking in at work. I mean, yeah, I’m glad I don’t have to sweat about money or job security, but don’t think for a minute that came without a cost.”

I swallowed. My love life had been about as spectacular as my professional one, so I hadn’t thought much about how one might kill the other.

Eric went on. “I know you feel like you should be home looking for a job, but when someone came along and offered you two weeks in Europe, you jumped on it. You took the opportunity to spend a couple of weeks enjoying life because you know as well as anyone that when you get home, the job hunt will still be there. This?” He gestured around us. “Was a limited offer, you know? And you took it.” He looked in my eyes. “I envy that.” He paused, and his expression brightened a little as he slid closer to me. Wrapping an arm around my waist, he murmured, “And maybe it’s selfish, but I’m really glad you took that opportunity.”

“Yeah, I’m…” I pulled him closer, and his lips against mine distracted me from whatever I’d been about to say. Glad I took this opportunity? Oh fuck yeah, I was. And not just because I had this sexy man at my side who was basically game to run off and fool around with me at any moment. He was turning out to be pretty damn good at bringing me back off the ledge when my anxiety got the best of me.

I was still embarrassed about the current status of my life, but Eric had put things into perspective. Maybe he was right. Maybe I wasn’t hurting anything by taking a couple of weeks to enjoy life before I started begging people to let me sit in a cubicle again.

“I know you already feel guilty about taking this vacation.” He smoothed my hair. “But you’re already here for two weeks. Would two more make that much of a difference?”

I studied him. “What do you mean?”

Eric bit his lip, looking unusually shy, before he said, “After the cruise, I’ve got this place in Rome for two weeks. If you want to join me…”

I blinked. “Are you serious?”

“Completely. It would be nice to have some company. Especially…your company.” Was he blushing? Eric? Blushing? And was I really considering taking him up on the offer?

Yeah, I was, but I was also hesitating. This had been his honeymoon, after all. Like it or not, he was on the rebound, and two more weeks with him meant two more weeks to get more attached to him than I should. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to say no. Or yes.

I gulped. “Can I think about it?”

“Of course.” Eric smiled. “I’ve got the room whether you come with me or not. It just might be a bit more fun to explore the city with someone, you know?”

“Yeah, it would be.”

Was I really considering this?

Okay, I was fantasizing about it. Actually going through with it? Not a chance. That just wasn’t me. Taking an expenses-paid two-week vacation while I was unemployed was pushing it. Spending another two unemployed weeks in Rome with a man I’d just met? A man who’d recently been engaged to someone else? Thinking about it made my heart race, and not in a good way.

“I really will think about it,” I said quietly. “I just…you know…”

“It’s okay.” He smiled. “We’ve got time.”

Not much.

“Thanks,” I said because I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

We both fell quiet for a little while before Eric cleared his throat. “So, um, when you start looking for a job back home, what kind of job?”

“Anything I can get with an MBA. Which…isn’t as much as I thought it would be.” I blew out a breath as I stared out at the sea. “Amazing how much things have changed, you know? When I was in high school, everyone told me that an MBA was basically a golden ticket. Get one of those, and you’re set for life. And look at me now.”

“Did you like what you were doing?”

“I…I guess? Maybe?” But as soon as I said it, my shoulders fell. “No. Actually I hated it. But I mean, who enjoys that kind of shit?”

“Some people do. And if you don’t, why not look into something else?” He paused. “Have you thought about looking into a totally different field?”

I turned to him. “Like what?”

Eric shrugged. “Anything. Something blue collar, maybe.” He must have seen the incredulousness in my expression, because he went on, “Trade jobs are in high demand right now, so it couldn’t hurt to see if there’s something that catches your eye. Get an HVAC certification or paint houses. Just because you’re not making six figures at a desk under fluorescent lights doesn’t mean you’re a failure or irresponsible.”

“Huh. I never thought about it like that.”

“A lot of people don’t. We’re all conditioned to think that if you’re not wearing a tie to work, you’re a failure. It isn’t ‘cushy MBA job or bust,’ you know?”

I exhaled, gaze fixed on the water. Intellectually, I’d known that, but hearing someone say it was weirdly profound because I really had been taught the exact opposite. No one had ever said it out loud, but the implication had been there. The jobs where you got your hands dirty were for the kids who didn’t take AP classes and carry a 4.0 GPA. For the kids who didn’t even have a prayer of taking AP classes or carrying a 4.0 GPA. Anyone else was too good for that kind of work.

“How would I even do that?” I asked. “I mean, I’ve got enough to live on for a while, but not enough to go back to school.”

“Maybe work a shitty job for a while until you get a certification in something else or figure things out. Hell, drive a forklift and Costco will hire you in a heartbeat. Get your CDL and drive a truck. Get your gaming license and deal cards.”

Forklift? Truck? Cards? Those were options? Because damn if they didn’t sound a hell of a lot more interesting than PowerPoint and shareholders. The MBA-corner-office-boardroom path had always been my path, but maybe it wasn’t a path at all. Maybe I’d just been getting pulled along by the current instead of sticking an oar in the water and changing direction.

“Man.” I tapped my nails on the railing. “I never even thought of anything but what I’m doing now. Or well, what I was doing.”

“It’s never too late for a career change. If you want one, I mean. If you enjoy what you’re doing, then—”

“Now that I think about it, some of the stuff you suggested sounds a hell of a lot more interesting than what I was doing.”

“Couldn’t hurt to look into it.” Eric rested his hand on the small of my back. “And it’s okay to not like your job, too. You don’t have to come skipping into work every morning and have an orgasm every time you look at your inbox. Not many people like their jobs that much.” He cocked his head. “Was your last job just kind of everyday drudgery? Or circling the parking the lot five or six times just because you didn’t want to go inside?”

“That second option,” I said quietly. “The one I just lost and the one before it—another year of either of those, and I probably would have had an ulcer.”

Eric grimaced. “That’s not good.”

“No. Not really.” I paused, and after a moment, I turned to him. “What did you want to do when you were a kid?”

Eric didn’t answer immediately. It was his turn to fix his attention on the water, though his eyes didn’t actually seem focused. Finally, he said, “I spent my childhood watching my parents killing themselves at jobs they hated, and for nothing. I didn’t know what I wanted to do except not that.” He looked at me. “So that was my goal—find a career where I can live comfortably but still have a life.”

“And have you?”

Eric sighed, dropping his gaze. “Sort of. I found something I enjoy doing—I love everything computers and cyber security—but got so into my job and getting my firm off the ground that I ignored everything else. The only difference between me and my parents is that I don’t hate my work. I was still killing myself. Got so focused on getting the firm going, I forgot about the ‘still live’ part.’ My brother did the same thing. For the last few years, we’ve basically just worked and done nothing else.” In a voice so soft it was almost swallowed by the wind, he added, “Which is probably part of why he’s divorced and I’m alone on my honeymoon.”

“I thought your ex cheated on you.”

“He did. But it wasn’t like he just woke up one morning with a hankering for someone else. Yeah, he should’ve talked to me, and no he shouldn’t have cheated, but the fact was I didn’t put as much into the relationship as I should have.” Eric swallowed. His jaw tightened. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from taking some serious time off, it’s how much of my time and myself I’ve been putting into my work.” Looking in my eyes, he said, “There’s more to life than that, you know?”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah. I guess there is.”

“Just think about it. You’re not married to your MBA or the jobs you’ve been doing.”

I rolled my shoulders and released a breath. How the hell was it so liberating just to hear someone say that? “You’re right.” I turned to him. “I’ll definitely keep that in mind.”

Along with that offer about Rome.