Chapter 19

Eric

 

Andrew had fallen asleep a long time ago. Face half-buried in the pillow, arm slung over me, he breathed slowly and evenly, almost soundlessly. The moon was full tonight, and poured in through the balcony window, illuminating his stubbled jaw and mussed-up hair.

I couldn’t help smiling as I watched him. I’d thought it was a good idea to spend one single night of this cruise apart? Just so I could deal with my ex? Fuck that. I only had a little bit of time with Andrew, and I was an idiot to waste any of it alone.

Having him here, lying next to me just hours after I’d buried the hatchet with Chris…it felt good. This was the closest I’d been to feeling at peace since, hell, I didn’t know when. Long before I’d caught Chris cheating on me.

My life had gone in a direction I hadn’t expected. My relationship with Chris was over. And I was okay with that. I wasn’t just ready to let him go—I already had. And now that I’d had some time to digest that surprisingly peaceful call with Chris, it felt good. Liberating. Like instead of wallowing in how much time I’d wasted on him, I could think about the time in front of me. Other people I could spend that time with. Like Andrew. Like myself.

I was moving on, and it felt fucking amazing.

I couldn’t quite sleep yet, though. I had one more thing left on my mind.

Making as little noise as humanly possible, I slipped out from under his arm, out of bed, and into the bathroom. It only took a second of feeling around in my shaving kit to find the tiny box I’d tucked all the way at the bottom. I palmed it, then tiptoed across the stateroom and carefully opened the door to the balcony.

Alone on the balcony, I opened the box. There was just enough moonlight to illuminate the slim band, and the ring looked silver instead of gold. It was too dark to read the engraved inscription, but did it matter? I knew the words.

Until my heart stops. Eric.

I’d meant it then. Just three months ago. Back when I’d written it down for the engraver.

That was then. This was now.

I hadn’t even meant to bring the ring on the cruise with me, but I’d left it in my laptop case after I’d picked it up, and realized when I got to London that it was still there. I’d been more than a little bitter at the sight of it; my wounds hadn’t needed any salting, damn it.

But now, with a little time and perspective, I was glad I’d accidentally brought it along.

I freed the ring and left the box on the balcony table. Leaning on the railing, I made a fist and rested the ring on top of my thumb like I was about to flip a coin. For a long moment, I stared at the band, letting all the emotions from the last couple of months wash through me before they calmed in favor of relief. This chapter was over, but my life wasn’t. More than I had in a long time, I was sure I’d be okay.

Then I flicked my thumb upward.

The ring somersaulted up in a steep arc before it plummeted down, down, down. I was way too high up to hear the splash, but watching that moonlit band fade into the darkness was enough.

Soft footsteps behind me pulled my attention away from the dark, silent water. I turned just as Andrew appeared in the doorway. The moonlight that had dulled the gold of my wedding ring picked out the angles and contours of his lean body. He had seriously adorable bedhead, and the way his boxers sat on his hips made my mouth water.

He stepped closer and put a hand on my waist. “Hey. You okay?”

I met his gaze in the stark light, and smiled. “Yeah. I’m good.”

“You sure?” Reeling me into one of those gentle, enveloping embraces I was so hooked on, he added, “It’s three in the morning.”

“I know.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him lightly. “Just needed some air.”

Andrew didn’t question me. He pressed a long, lazy kiss to my lips.

And I just…melted against him.

I loved being this close to him. He always held on in a way that made me feel like he wanted me, but not like he’d refuse to let me go if I asked. It had been so long since I’d been held like that, and it would take more than a two-week cruise for the novelty to wear off.

Holding him tighter, I deepened the kiss. He moaned softly, and his hand drifted up my back as his dick hardened against my hip. We were both almost completely undressed. All we’d have to do was get a condom from the nightstand, kick off these boxers, and fuck right here on the balcony.

But even as our breathing quickened and my heart pounded with arousal, I didn’t make any move to turn this into sex. Neither did he. For the longest time, we just stood there, wrapped up in each other, hot skin against hot skin while the warm Mediterranean breeze played with our hair, and kissed like this was all we needed. Because right then, it was. No bucket-list sex fantasy was worth missing out on what we were doing.

Andrew broke the kiss as gently as he’d initiated it, and met my gaze in the low light. Running his fingers through my hair, he said, “We should get some sleep.”

I slid a hand down over his ass and pressed my hip against him, and when he gave a soft little groan, I grinned. “Sleep? You sure about that?”

“Well, it’s…” He shivered. “That would be the endgame, right? I didn’t say we had to go to sleep immediately.”

I laughed and brushed my lips across his. “Good. You had me worried there for a second.”

“Please.” He ground his erection against me. “As if I could get into bed with you and go right to sleep.”

“I would hope not.”

“So…bed?”

“Bed.”

 

***

 

As the dust settled, Andrew curled up beside me with his head on my shoulder. My whole body was heavy with fatigue, both from going another round with Andrew and the fact that it was almost four in the morning. Still, I was awake.

I kissed the top of his head. “I’m really going to miss this.”

“Me too.” He cuddled closer. “I so didn’t expect anything like this when I decided to take this trip.”

I laughed dryly. “Yeah. Same.” Especially since this hadn’t just been a vacation when I’d originally booked it. But I didn’t mention that. Chris and our broken engagement had occupied enough of my mind for tonight. Now I just wanted to enjoy being with Andrew.

We lay like that for a while, just holding on and being together. I’d gotten so used to having him next to me, it was hard to imagine we’d only known each other for the better part of two weeks. The sex was amazing. Conversation came easy. He was laid back and cute. He was genuinely a nice guy. Exactly the kind of guy I’d be looking for when I got home and fired up Tinder or Grindr or Blender or whatever people were using these days.

I don’t have to look. You’re right here.

But why do you have to live so far away?

Fuck my life.

The silence went on so long, I was surprised Andrew hadn’t fallen asleep. His breathing was slow and steady, so maybe he had, but I couldn’t help feeling like he was still here in the moment with me. Relaxed, but awake.

I was awake, but relaxed? Not so much. Gears were starting to turn in my head.

“You all right?” His voice was soft. “Your heart’s going crazy.”

Christ, he could feel that? Though he did have his head on my chest, so I supposed he could.

“Just thinking,” I said.

“Yeah? What about?”

I swallowed. “Come to Rome with me.”

Andrew tensed.

I shifted, and we faced each other on our sides. I pushed myself onto my elbow so I could make out his features in the moonlight. “That offer I made before—it’s still open. I’m totally serious. Come with me.”

He blinked a few times like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

I touched his cheek. “I meant it when I offered the first time, but now? Hell, we get along. We have great sex.” I lifted my shoulder in a half-shrug. “Why not have two more weeks of that?”

Andrew swallowed. “I…” For a moment, I thought he was going to say yes, but then he sighed, and my heart sank even before he whispered, “I want to. I really do. But…” He shook his head slowly. “I have to get home and start looking for a job. I feel guilty enough for taking off when I did.”

I tried not to let my disappointment show as I nodded. “Yeah, I get that.”

“I appreciate the offer, though.” He combed his fingers through my hair. “I won’t say it isn’t tempting as hell.”

“Well, if you change your mind, the offer’s still open.”

Andrew smiled. “Thanks. I really wish I could.”

Me too. More than I probably should.

“We’ll stay in contact, though,” I said.

Andrew started to speak but hesitated.

“What’s wrong?”

He swallowed. “This… this is a rebound for you.”

“I know. But that doesn’t mean…” It was my turn to hesitate. “Look, I know you’re worried I’m not over my ex. And hell, maybe I’m not. But this?” I took his hand. “What we’re doing? It’s different. I’m not spending time with you to distract myself from him.”

Andrew searched my eyes.

“I mean it,” I whispered. “And I won’t push you to come to Rome. I totally understand if you say no. But… I don’t want this to end with the cruise.”

“I don’t either,” he whispered. “I have no idea what will happen after the cruise is over, but I do want to stay in touch.”

“Me too.” I pressed a kiss to his lips. “Make sure I get you on Facebook before we go.”

He grinned with a mixture of caution and playfulness. “So you can like all the embarrassing photos I’ve taken of you?”

I snorted. “You post those, I’ll post the ones I’ve taken of you.”

“Touché.” His humor faded as he caressed my cheek. “We will stay in touch after the cruise, though. Definitely.”

“I know.” But I didn’t want to talk about after the cruise. I didn’t want to think about the quickly approaching day when this would be a thing of the past. So I kissed him softly and murmured, “We should get some sleep.”

“Yeah. We should.”

One more kiss, and we settled in.

Of course now I was wide awake. Andrew quickly drifted off, but I just stared up at the ceiling like I’d been doing before I’d gone out onto the balcony.

I wanted so badly to encourage him to think some more about Rome. This thing between us was just getting off the ground. How much higher could we go with two more weeks at our disposal?

But I didn’t want to push. He was trying to get his life back on the rails, and gallivanting around Rome with a guy he met on a cruise wasn’t going to help him find direction. Or a job. Persuading him to stay would be entirely selfish, and that was one thing I was determined not to be again. I’d already lost my fiancé to focusing on what I wanted and what I needed to the point I nearly forgot he existed at all. I wasn’t making that mistake with Andrew.

At the same time, I couldn’t help feeling an achy, fluttery sense of panic at the thought of what would happen after we parted ways. Even if we stayed in touch through social media or email, this—what we were doing now—would fade like a vacation hangover. It wouldn’t be long at all before our interactions were reduced to occasionally liking each other’s posts. Maybe the odd “LOL” comment. We’d be distant acquaintances, like the couple my ex and I had met in a bar up at Whistler. After hanging out and drinking together one night, we’d all friended each other, but now it was just likes and one-word Facebook comments. We were from different worlds, and we lived in different worlds, and we just occasionally stole glances at each other’s.

I didn’t mind that with the couple from Whistler. With Andrew? Christ, it didn’t feel right at all. Nothing felt even remotely right about walking away from each other once the boat had docked in Italy.

Closing my eyes, I sighed. I didn’t have to ask myself why I was so hung up on him. That much was painfully clear.

Fact was, I hadn’t known him long enough to be in love with him.

But it was long enough to know that if we had more time, I would be.

 

***

 

All too soon, it was over.

The ship was docked in Civitavecchia, and we’d stalled as long as we could. There was nothing left to do except get breakfast, pack what little we had left to pack, and go meet up with Andrew’s parents to disembark.

Conversation had come easy for us from the very beginning. Okay, we’d both been a little shy, but once we’d broken the ice, we’d been as good at talking as we’d been at fucking.

This morning, neither of us said much. I supposed there wasn’t much to talk about.

Nothing underscored the silence between us like all the noise around us. Every deck was alive with a different kind of activity than there’d been for the last two weeks. People were already starting to file off the boat. Porters were rolling big carts full of luggage down the corridors. In the restaurant Andrew and I had chosen for breakfast, there was grumbling at other tables about final bills since people had been charging things to their cabins without thinking twice about it.

All around us were reminders that the cruise was over.

And since the cruise was over, so was this.

Before I’d left Seattle, I’d expected to spend reach the end of my vacation and either be chomping at the bit to get back to work, or be dreading the same. Right now, work wasn’t even on my mind. All I could think of was Andrew, and how I was just hours away from no longer having him close enough to touch.

I made it through thirty-five years without you.

Less than two weeks with you, and I don’t know what to do with myself after you go.

Breakfast suddenly didn’t seem appetizing anymore. Even coffee made my stomach turn. I was so not ready for this to end.

Andrew cleared his throat. “So what do you have planned while you’re in Rome?”

Nothing that wouldn’t be a hell of a lot more fun with you.

“Oh, you know. The usual tourist stuff. Colosseum. Circus Maximus. Trevi Fountain.” I sipped my coffee. “They have these cool tour buses that’ll take you to all the interesting shit, and you can get off if you want to explore something, then pick up the next one when it comes by.”

“Oh yeah, I think I saw one of those in Barcelona.”

I nodded. “They’re all over Europe. I love them.” I paused. “I’m thinking of doing a day trip out of the city too. It’s just a short train ride to Naples, so I might go out there overnight so I can check out Pompeii.”

“Oh my God.” Andrew groaned. “I would cut off a limb to see Pompeii.”

Or just come with me.

I didn’t say it, though. He’d made his decision, and I wasn’t going to push him. Clearing my throat, I shifted in my chair. “We’ll see. I hope I can get there. And damn, it’s a good thing there’s a lot of places to walk in Rome and anywhere else I might go because I’m pretty sure I’d gain twenty pounds otherwise.”

“All that Italian food?” Andrew laughed halfheartedly. “I’ll probably gain weight just looking at your pictures.”

I chuckled too, but my heart was sinking at the reminder that he wouldn’t be there with me.

After breakfast, we left the restaurant so some of the people waiting could have our table. We’d been pretty discreet about PDAs up to this point, but Andrew slid an arm around my shoulders and I wrapped mine around his waist. I didn’t care anymore if people saw us. If anything, I hoped they did see us.

I spent the entire cruise with this man, I wanted to say.

And damn it, an entire cruise just isn’t enough.

Near the corridor that led to my stateroom, we stopped. Out of the way, of course, since people and carts and luggage were trying to move past. Up against the railing, we faced each other.

Just looking at him now hurt like hell because dear God, I had never wanted anyone as much as I wanted him. Not just sexually. I liked him. I liked being around him, chatting with him about nothing, watching movies in bed, wandering the ship…It was amazing how much we’d been able to squeeze into two weeks, and mind-blowing how those two weeks simultaneously seemed like a lifetime and much, much too short.

“Think we have time to go back to one of our cabins?” Andrew ran his hands up my sides. “You know—to make sure we didn’t forget anything?”

“Hmm, good idea.” I tugged him closer by his waistband. “Just to give the room one last check.”

He grinned. So did I.

We didn’t get very far with checking the room for forgotten items.

But by the time we left again, I was pretty damn certain I was leaving something behind.