Chapter 29

Ugly regret

 

“How long have you been sitting there?” Nolan asked.

“Long enough for her to cry herself to sleep and my ass to go numb,” I told him.

“Come on, let’s take a walk.”

“I can’t leave. If she has a nightmare, I need to be here.”

“Levi will stand guard. You need a break.”

I relented only because I knew my uncle and he wouldn’t stop pestering me until I did as he asked. We walked out to the living room, and Levi went down the hall, taking my place standing guard outside the door. I’d helplessly listened as Meadow sobbed until she’d finally fallen asleep. I was completely lost and didn’t know what I was supposed to do next. She blamed me, too. Was I supposed to drive her home when she woke up and let her recuperate on her own? Make her stay and suffer having to look at the man who almost got her killed?

“What happened?” Jasper asked.

I told Nolan, Jasper, and Lenox about the conversation I had with Meadow and how she’d finally admitted that she blamed me.

“You know she didn’t mean what she said, she was trying to protect herself and push you away,” Lenox said.

“I don’t know why you think that, but you’re wrong. You didn’t see the hate in her eyes. She meant every word.”

“I know I’m right because I did the same thing to Lily when she first came back into my life. We’d spent about two weeks together. They were perfect; she was perfect. Then fear and self-doubt crept in, and I didn’t believe I deserved her. The team got a call-out, and I used it as an excuse to break Lily’s heart. I needed her to hate me, so I could walk away. I lied right to her face and told her I didn’t love her. When she called me out, I told her all she was to me was a good fuck. You cannot imagine the disgust I felt saying those words to the woman I adored. I understand why Meadow pushed you away. She doesn’t think she deserves love.”

I believed that Lenox thought he was right. And once again, more information about my uncle’s past was coming to light. I had no idea he and Aunt Lily had a rocky start. However, he was wrong about my situation with Meadow.

“I don’t know what to do now,” I admitted. “She blames me; I blame myself. What the hell do I do.”

“You wanna cut her loose?” Jasper asked.

“Fuck no. But I don’t think I have another option.”

“You always have another option. Pull your head out of your ass and fight for her. Both of you are hurting. Love is not earned, it is given. You need to remind her your love is unconditional and without exception. Do not let her dwell on the past. It will eat her up until there is nothing left but ugly regret.”

I was stunned into silence. I couldn’t believe that my big badass uncles were standing in my living room talking about love and giving me advice about my woman.

“That sounds all too familiar,” Nolan chuckled.

“What does?” I asked.

“You think you’re the first man to have woman trouble? This is not our first rodeo, son. We all struggled, we all fucked up, we all needed the help of our brothers to help us see the beauty standing in front of us. We know we’re right because we’ve lived this. All four of us have needed the help of the others to get our shit straight. So, for fuck sake, you’ve given your woman enough time to lick her wounds. Now you need to go back in there, wrap her up and no matter what she throws at you, remember – you love her without exception. And I promise you what is on the other side of this is a beauty you cannot fully comprehend. Ride the storm, Nick. You’ve got this – we’ve got this.”

Nolan patted my shoulder, giving me a renewed strength. I didn’t realize how desperately I had needed my uncles, my family, until that moment. Damn, I missed them. Without needing any further encouragement, I walked down the hall, thanked Levi, and opened my bedroom door. Meadow was lying on her side, eyes open, staring at the wall. When the hinge creaked, her eyes came to mine, but she quickly averted them. She looked so fucking small curled up into a ball; I’d screwed up - again. I never should’ve left her alone in her misery. It shouldn’t have mattered what she said to me; I should’ve stayed and held her.

That was a mistake I’d never make again.

I crawled into bed behind her and pulled her back to my front and wrapped my arms around her.

A long while later she broke the silence. “I shouldn’t have said it was your fault. I didn’t mean it. It was rotten and mean and… horrible. I was just so embarrassed; I didn’t want you to see me like that. It was wrong, and it will never happen again.”

I kissed the back of her head and remained quiet. I’d let her talk if she needed but I only wanted to hold her, let her know that I was strong enough to shoulder the burden.

“Do you want kids?” she whispered.

“Yes.” Then I quickly reminded her. “We’ll adopt. There’s a child out there that needs us. You will be a mom.”

“It wasn’t your fault. I know you did everything you could to find me and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you came when you did.”

“I was so scared,” I admitted. “The whole time she had you I was going out of my mind. The entire day, actually. Something didn’t feel right. Sally knew; she was pacing and on alert. When we pulled up to the alley and heard you screaming, she jumped over the center console, out the open driver’s side door and took off to protect you. I owe a dog a debt of gratitude I can never repay. She saved your life.”

“Do we get to keep her?”

“Bet your ass. She isn’t going anywhere.”