CHAPTER TWELVE: Holden
It had been nearly a week since I had seen or talked to Jude, not since the day Keith Calloway attacked her in the parking lot after my class. If I had not been coming out of the psyche building at the same time Keith was dragging her toward the woods—and had not spotted them across the way— things might have turned out very differently. And very badly for Jude and for Keith, who I recalled as being a fairly decent guy before becoming obsessed with Jude.
Like a lot of professors—me and Wynn included—Keith had a reputation of being a major pussy hound. It was hard not to be a swinging dick when you were surrounded by hot, willing coeds all day long.
Jude was not the first student he’d had sex with and probably wouldn’t be the last. Keith was a good-looking guy with a great personality when he was sober. I just hoped his next employer was made aware of his psychological issues and legal problems before exposing him to another field of female students.
I sort of felt sorry for the guy, but his problems could not be entirely blamed on Jude. From a psychological point of view, Keith was an obsessive compulsive with narcissistic tendencies. He zeroed in on Jude and let his own obsession for her devour him. It wasn’t her fault Keith had flipped his lip over her, no more so than any other innocent girl or former girlfriend who was now the victim of a deranged stalker, which, at the end of the day, is what Keith had become.
Honestly, I couldn’t fault him entirely because I had become obsessed with Jude, as well. What started out as just another casual affair with a student had moved on to a higher level, at least for me. I wasn’t in love with Jude—at least not yet—but I certainly had strong feelings for her. Stronger feelings than I had ever had for any girl before. I thought about her constantly, not just about having sex with her, but about just hanging out and spending time. We had fun just watching TV or making dinner or walking through the park or sharing a big plate of French fries in the cafeteria. Jude smothered her fries in ketchup and talked with her mouth full. It was an annoying habit that I had come to love about her.
Jude insisted on driving herself home after the incident, even though I tried to talk her into letting me take her, and that was the last time I’d seen or heard from her. She had stopped coming to class and stopped answering my calls and texts, and when I stopped by her apartment she refused to come to the door.
I talked to the city cop who had answered the 911 call and he said Jude never came down to the station to give a statement or press charges, so Keith was released on his own recognizance and warned to stay away from Jude and keep off the Midwestern campus.
The next time he violated the restraining order it would be a mandatory thirty days in jail with no chance for bail. Same if he ever set foot on the MU campus again. Keith was a fucking asshole, but I didn’t think he wanted revenge badly enough to risk jail time over it, at least not while he was sober.
I stopped by Jude’s apartment several times over the course of the next week, but her roommate Izzy said that Jude had gone home to visit her parents. When I pointed out that Jude’s car was still parked out front, Izzy stumbled over the lie and said that she had dropped her at the airport and drove her car back to the apartment.
“Izzy, please, just tell me what’s going on,” I said, propping a hand on the door frame and leaning in to lower my voice. I glanced past her at inside of the apartment, which was dark and quiet. “I know she’s in there. Why won’t she see me? Why won’t she talk to me? What did I do?”
Izzy gave a nervous glance over her shoulder for a moment, then brought her dark eyes back to mine, as if she were considering letting me in but then thought better of it. She closed the door a little more and leaned her cheek against it.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Professor Moss,” she said with a heavy sigh. “She’s sort of having a meltdown.”
I swallowed hard and glanced past her again. I was an academic by calling, but a medical professional by trade. In my practice I’d worked with dozens of patients experiencing overwhelming feelings of guilt and debilitating depression. I prayed that wasn’t the case with Jude.
I narrowed my eyes at Izzy. “What kind of a meltdown are you talking about?”
“Professor Moss, come on man…” Izzy took another deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, look, she’s blaming herself for a lot of things that have happened over the years. Not just the shit with Keith Calloway, but other stuff that she’s done and people she got herself involved with. Jude is the sweetest girl on earth, Professor, but sometimes the choices she makes are not the best for her. Or the best for others. She realizes that now. And I think she just needs time to sort things out.”
I gave Izzy a look that told her I was not leaving until I knew Jude was all right. I asked, “Blaming herself for what kind of things?”
She glanced back over her shoulder again, then shook her head. “I shouldn’t say anymore. Please, just leave her alone, Professor Moss. She has to work things out on her own. She’ll be okay. You just have to give her time.”
Shaking my head, I said, “It’s the Keith Calloway thing most of all, isn’t it? She blames herself for what happened with that piece of shit.”
“He wasn’t always a piece of shit,” Izzy said sadly. “At least not in Jude’s mind.” Regardless of her words, her eyes told me she agreed with me, but she shrugged and told me she had to go. I put my hand on the door before she could close it.
“Izzy, please, tell her to call me. Nothing that happened is her fault. I’m trained… I mean… I can help her work through this. I know how these things work. Jude is amazing. None of this is her fault. I want to help her. I care for her. Very deeply…”
“That’s nice of you to say, Professor Moss,” Izzy said as she eased the door closed another inch. “But she is not feeling very good about herself right now, but she will soon. Please, just give her time. Go home. And have a good night.”
“Izzy, I really do care for her.”
“I know you do, Professor,” Izzy said quietly. “I’ll make sure she knows that. Don’t worry.”
She closed the door and clicked the deadbolt, leaving me standing on the stoop with a hole in my chest that only one person could fill.
And at that moment I wasn’t sure I’d ever see that person again.