Chapter Fourteen
Another day, another taxi cab across the town – but this time I felt a little more optimistic. Nate had reached out to me earlier in the day to see if I wanted him to fly me back to the city on his jet, and I had, obviously, accepted at once. I was nervous, sure, but I was also excited to see him considering the last time the two of us had been in a room together it hadn’t exactly gone according to plan.
That had been four days ago and I had been happy to just sit at home and relax and pretend like none of this was really going down; I ignored the calls from my friends back in the city and hoped to goodness that none of them would notice how long I’d been away or start to wonder about what I was getting up to now that I was done with college. I felt as though I was one of those old-fashioned ladies who fled the city upon finding out they were pregnant out of wedlock, hiding out in the country to make sure that no-one else in her social circle would find out about her secret shame. I mean, yeah, that was a little dramatic, but I also didn’t want anyone to know about the pregnancy until I’d decided what to do with it. Until we had.
I drummed my fingers on my knee and looked over at the bag sitting next to me; everything I needed from back home was crammed into that thing. My mom had helped me pick out a few bits and pieces that she was certain that adult-me was going to need once I was back in the city and I had taken her word on all of it, since she had always seemed to know best when it came to stuff like that. A couple of times, when she had been helping me gather my stuff that morning, it had been on the tip of my tongue – I had been so close to telling her, so close to letting rip with everything that I had wanted her to know out of the last few days, but I knew that I had to keep quiet for the time being. Besides, if I told her that I had gotten pregnant by my boss, the same one who happened to be forming a business partnership with my dad, I wasn’t even sure that she’s believe me. It sounded like something plucked straight from a dumb soap-opera storyline that sometimes I wasn’t even sure that I believed it, and the morning sickness and hormonal insanity was a pretty strong indicator that it was real.
“So kind of Nathan to offer you a lift home,” She shook her head, as though she was talking about him clearing a space for me in the back of his van since he would be passing by my place on his drive home. “And in a plane, no less!”
“Yeah, it’s kind of him,” I nodded. I tried to keep my face pointedly expressionless, knowing that if I gave even the mildest hint of emotion my mother would pounce on it and demand to know where it had come from and what it was doing there.
“He seems like such a nice man,” She remarked as she finished up her coffee. “You should look for someone like him, you know – someone with a bit of decency.”
I thought back to that hook-up in the restaurant, the one which, very probably, was the one that had gotten me pregnant. I had a feeling that she wouldn’t think of him as so decent if she knew about that.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I admitted blandly. All I could think about was what he was going to say when he was standing in front of me once more, and for the time being, couldn’t focus on literally one other thing, even my mother and her attempts to counsel me into better romantic choices.
But I would know soon. I would know what was going to happen. We pulled up outside the airport at last, and I climbed out of the car and headed across the runway to what I assumed was the jet that I would be flying on – I was desperately trying to play it cool but I was having a hard time acting like this was an everyday occurrence for me. It was a private jet, for God’s sake! How many people in American had a private jet? And how many others got to actually fly in them? I knew he was just trying to make time for the two of us to talk, but it felt like he was swaggering a little bit, reminding me of just how powerful he was, just what a success he’d always been.
“Nia?” A woman greeted me as soon as I was out of the car, having to raise her voice over the sound of the engines of the planes taking off around us. I nodded.
“Let me take your bag,” she guided me towards the jet sitting on the tarmac in front of me. “Mr Richards is waiting for you inside.”
“Thank you,” I called back to her, and she smiled serenely at me, despite the fact that her hair was getting whipped in every direction by the gale-force winds around us. I hurried towards the steps and climbed them as quickly as my slightly swollen feet would allow, letting out a sigh of relief as soon as I was onboard.
“Hey,” A familiar voice greeted me, and just like that the wind and the cold and my stupid sore feet vanished from my mind.
“Hey,” I returned the greeting, and turned to find Nate standing behind me; he had an expression on his face that I couldn’t quite describe, but I knew that I recognized it from somewhere.
“I would offer you a drink, but…” he gestured to my belly in a roundabout motion, and I put my hands on it without thinking; it was still weird to me that there was someone out here, in the real world, who knew about my predicament too.
“Yeah, I think I’ll hold off for now,” I nodded, smiling back at him. There was something about being around him that just felt like a relief, like everything that was meant to happening was finally happening. I loved being near him so much I almost forgot about the little sway of sickness in my stomach.
“You should sit down,” he suggested, as though reading the discomfort on my face. “Don’t want you keeling over.”
“Thanks,” I sighed as he took my elbow and guided me towards these luxuriously puffy leather chairs that sat in the middle of the cabin; the whole place looked as though it was kitted out a hundred years ago, with a gleaming dark-wood bar, deep red accents, and a thick carpet that felt out of place knowing we were sitting on the tarmac. It was so different from his apartment, which was almost a study in restraint and minimalism. I wondered if he had designed both, or if he had left them to someone else. They both seemed to reflect some parts of him, though, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had put together both of those spaces.
He took a seat opposite me and eyed me for a moment, and I felt myself flush lightly under his gaze.
“Thanks for coming,” he nodded. “I know that – I get that it’s a lot to ask, to get you to give up your day like this.”
“I wouldn’t exactly be doing a lot else,” I pointed out. “I don’t have a job back in the city yet, remember?”
“Really?” He cocked an eyebrow. “I can think of about a dozen agencies who’d snap up someone like you.”
“Care to put me in touch with them?” I joked. “I need to find somewhere to work.”
“I thought, with the baby…” He shook his head, as though he was annoyed at himself for being so naïve. “Sorry. Anyway.”
“Yeah, we need to talk about what we’re going to do about…it,” I touched my hand to my stomach once more. I was sure I could feel the barest bit of swelling there, but I was sure I was imagining it. Nate ran his fingers through his hair and nodded.
“Dispense with the niceties, huh?” He managed the hint of a smile. He looked nervous, like he knew that I wasn’t going to like what he had to say. Which didn’t exactly fill me wit confidence.
“Have you thought about what you want to do?” I prompted him, and the plane jerked into life below us, taking me by surprise. He nodded.
“I…” He closed his eyes for a moment and then seemed to pluck up the courage to come out with what he needed to say. “I’ll support the baby, no matter what. And I’d like to have it – I’ve been thinking a lot recently, about settling down, about having kids, and this baby seems like a chance to do that.”
“But?” I whispered, knowing that it was coming.
“We can’t be together,” he opened his eyes again and looked directly at me, delivering the killer blow, the one that made me feel as though I’d been kicked backwards off my feet.
“Why not?” I demanded. I didn’t realize it, but so much of the life I’d imagined for myself since I’d found out that I was pregnant involved him. Involved both of us, together, the two of us raising this baby as a couple. And I knew that I could do it without him, and I also knew that I seriously didn’t want to have to if I could avoid it in any way.
“Your father would destroy me if he found out,” he shook his head. “I’ve spoken to him, Nia, I know him pretty well, and one of the things he’s always been pretty fucking clear about is how protective he is of you.”
“So what?” I furrowed my brow. “You’re a grown-ass man. You can’t deal with my dad being a little mad at you for a while?”
“He could dissolve the deal,” Nate raised his eyebrows at me. “You know how much trouble we’d be in if he did that?”
“I thought you were the bigger company,” I pointed out, and he shook his head.
“Sure, we might be, but if he comes out with what happened between us, I’m in a hell of a lot of trouble,” He explained. “And the last thing we need for the business is a scandal of this size, not when we’re trying to expand.”
“So you’d put that damn company over me?” I snapped at him. I knew that wasn’t fair, that I’d known the kind of man he was when we’d started hooking up, but it still stung to know that that’s where I fell on his list of priorities. His jaw tightened again and he was clearly pissed.
“It’s not about that,” he shot back defensively. “I don’t want to put anything over you, but if it-”
“So you have feelings for me?” I demanded. I knew I was forcing him into a corner but I needed to know the truth. I deserved to know it. And I’d be damned if I was letting him get away with just tossing some cash in my direction every month and pretending that that was the equivalent of being a good father.
He fell silent.
“Do you have feelings for me?” He asked, raising his gaze slowly. I pressed my lips together.
“I asked first,” I pointed out. The blood was pumping through my veins, and it took me a moment to realize that we were already in the air – when had that happened? I got to my feet even though they still hurt and started to pace back and forth inside the plane.
“You need to take a seat,” he got to his feet too, and touched my arm; I pulled myself away from him sharply, even though I felt as though he had passed an electric shock from his body to mine. I still wanted him, so badly – maybe even worse than before, maybe even with more intensity. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t handle this. It felt as though my emotions were exploding out in a dozen different directions and it was all I could do not to scream out loud in the hopes of giving at least some of them a voice.
“Answer me,” I demanded, rounding on him once more. “And tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for me?”
He fell silent, and I was suddenly aware of just how close he was standing to me; I could have reached out and touched him, grazed my fingers against his chest. And before I could stop myself, I had to. I lifted my hand and touched him, pressing my palm flat to his chest, feeling his heartbeat, just like I had done back in the hotel room when the two of us had hooked up for the first time in what felt like forever. He inhaled sharply, like my touch had taken him by surprise.
“Tell me you don’t want me to,” I narrowed my eyes at him. I knew I was playing games, knew this was too much, but I couldn’t stop.
“I’ll stop as soon as you tell me,” I murmured, and he closed his eyes and looked down at me, as though weighing his options, trying to figure out what the best course of action was. I leaned up and kissed him, just softly, but I knew that it was enough; I felt his body tense against mine and I knew he couldn’t take it any more. He kissed me back, his tongue in my mouth, his hand on the small of my back as he pulled me roughly against him. I grinned into the kiss. Yeah, he still wanted me, at the very least.
I pushed him back towards his seat and slipped into his lap, sliding on sideways so I could wrap my arms around him and kiss him deeply. His hand travelled up my leg at once and I remembered with a jolt that there were other people on this flight too – but honestly, it wasn’t like we’d played with fire when it came to where we were hooking up before and I didn’t see why we should stop now. I balled my fist in his hair and kissed him hard, making him remember me, making him remember us. I didn’t want this to end.
He pulled back suddenly, as though coming to his senses, and pressed his forehead against mine. He inhaled again, deeply, and groaned.
“Fuck, Nia,” He growled, and kissed me once more, his hands starting to move everywhere he could get them – across my breasts, up my waist, over my neck, down to my ass. I squirmed in his lap, enjoying the power I had ever him – shocked that I was the one in control for a change, more than anything else. And I intended to remind him, every way that I could, just how much chemistry we shared and just how hard it would be to shake that.
I kissed down his neck, brushing my lips across the exposed patch of skin that peeked out of his expensive shirt. He tasted so good, so familiar, that for a moment it slipped my mind what all of this had done to me, that hooking up with him for the first time was about the biggest mistake someone like me could ever have made. In that moment, I would have done it all again a thousand time over, without question, without pause, without second thought. I continued to work my way down, until I was right between his legs; I looked up at him, at the darkness that seemed to glisten in his eyes as I ran my hand over the bulge in his pants. I flicked my tongue out over my lips playfully, and his brow furrowed slightly in reaction.
“You want me to?” I asked. If he wanted me to stop, I would. But I had a feeling that that was the last thing on his mind. He nodded, and that was all the indication I needed. I unzipped his pants, slipped my hand beneath his underwear, and pulled out his erection. I bit my lip lightly, shifting my gaze up to his once again, and then slowly, slowly, lowered my mouth down and around his cock.
He let out this long groan of pleasure as soon as my lips touched him, like this is what he’d been waiting for all day long, and I traced my tongue over the head of his cock and then drew him in as deep as I could manage. He tasted good, of clean skin and him, and I closed my eyes and focused in on the task in front of me. Not that I didn’t want to do this – there was something specifically sexy about taking control, about having him all laid out at my mercy like this, something that I would never be able to resist.
I moved my head up and down, using my hand to stimulate the bits of his cock I couldn’t take into my mouth; he was thick and long and it was hard to take in all of him, much as I wanted to. I found myself getting into the pace of it, bobbing my head on to him, and he stroked back a strand of hair from my face to watch me; I would shoot glances up at him on occasion, knowing that being the general pervert and voyeur that he was that he would want to see as much of me doing this as humanely possible. And I was happy to oblige. With him and me, stuff like this came so natural, both of us sliding comfortably into fulfilling the other’s fantasy just like that. Back in the hotel room, he had made me come when I’d asked, and now, here on this plane, I knew I was pushing his buttons by letting this go down in semi-public.
I wiggled my tongue up the underside of his cock a few times, and then let myself drop a little lower, stroking it over his balls and pressing a couple of soft, warm, wet kisses to the wrinkled skin of his sack. He inhaled deeply once more and I knew that I’d hit a sweet spot – well, I’d done this enough times that I’d hope I was at least getting good at it. I moved back up, taking my time, and lingered at his head some more, stroking him rhythmically until I felt him begin to tense and heard his breathing begin to increase and felt his-
“Fuck,” He growled as he came, his cock twitching as he finished into my mouth; I loved the way it felt, a reminder that I was the one who had gotten him here, I was the one who he couldn’t resist. I swallowed, sealing my lips around him, and then slowly lifted my gaze to meet his once more.
“So, those feelings for me?” I murmured, sliding back up on top of him; he wound his arms around me, letting his breath return to normal before he so much as thought about replying. He pressed his forehead against mine, soft and sure, and the weight and the heat of his body against my own was almost enough to make me forget about the conversation we’d had before this.
“Of course I have feelings for you,” he admitted. “You know that, Nia. You’ve known that from the start.”
“But?” I prompted him again, glutton for punishment that I was.
“We can’t do this,” he shook his head. “I’ll support you every single way I can, but this-”
“You’re telling me you don’t want this?” I slid off of his lap, standing there in front of him, as though I was offering myself up to him on a plate. He didn’t look at me, as though he knew his resolve would waver if he met my gaze.
“It’s not about what I want,” He avoided my question. “It’s about what’s good for the company that I spent years building from the ground up and that supports hundreds of people with jobs. Nia, you know that, you know that if it was just up to me that-”
He stopped himself. I wanted him to go on but I knew that whatever came out of his mouth was just going to be more excuses, more pussyfooting around the fact that he valued his job over me. I sat down again, the taste of him still fresh on my lips.
“So that’s just it?” I threw my hands in the air.
“Nia, I’ll do everything I can,” he repeated himself. “I’m not going to abandon you. But your father can’t find out, at least not…at least not until we’ve figured out how to find a way around this.”
“Around the fact that you got me pregnant?” I bluntly reminded him. I didn’t want him to forget, that he was as much a part of this as I was, no matter how much he seemed to want to keep me at arm’s length.
“I remember,” he murmured softly, and for a moment I actually believed him. I actually believed that he gave a shit about me, about this, about what had happened between us, about the fact that even now I still adored him in ways I had never adored anyone else before in my life. But then it all came crashing back down on me, a reminder that all I was to him right now was an inconvenience to him.
“I wish I’d never met you,” I snarled even though I knew I didn’t mean it, and he looked up at me and closed his eyes, like the words that had just come out of my mouth hurt him. But he didn’t try to argue. No, he just let me be mad at him, for once, and I was glad at least for that, glad at least that I could have my rage and my fury and my disappointment. I slid back into the seat and crossed my arms like a petulant child – well, if all he saw me as was my father’s daughter, then how else should I act?
I didn’t look at him, instead turning my gaze out the window as though the mess of clouds outside was the most interesting thing in the world to me at that moment.
“Nia-” He tried to speak once more, but I held my hand up. I couldn’t bear to hear him talk to me right now. I couldn’t barely even be this close to him, knowing that he wanted nothing to do with me in that way, without bursting into tears. Hearing his voice was just insult to injury and I hated him for it, hated myself for it, hated everyone on this damn plane for it. Fuck. It was going to be a long flight back to the city.
Chapter Fifteen
I clicked through the job posts on my computer, same as I had done every single morning since I had got back to the city. But, like every single morning since I had got back to the city, there was something else entirely on my mind.
Nate. I couldn’t shake him. How could I possibly get him out of my head? I reached down and touched my stomach which, to my surprise, was actually starting to show a little bit, a reminder that all of this was real and that I couldn’t hide from it forever. I let my fingers run over my little bump, tracing the shape of it. Only a few weeks ago I’d have been pissed that I was putting on weight – I gained the freshman fifteen (or more like twenty-five) back in the day and had worked hard to keep it off – but this didn’t bother me as much. Or at all, really. In fact, in some ways, my changing body acting as a reminder that I was carrying a little person in there was comforting and grounding in a way nothing had been the last few days.
I felt as though I was on the brink of flying out of control. I wasn’t sure what it would look like when I did, but I knew I would know when it happened. Everyone would. Nate, my mom, my dad – everyone. God, Patricia would find out – I hadn’t told her a whisper of this, of what had happened since I’d run into Nate again at the big launch party, and I knew she would tear me a new one for being naïve enough to believe that a guy like him would ever truly commit to a woman like me.
But I had been so damn sure. That was the hard part – the memory, still rich and forthright in my head, of the look on his face when he had seen me again, of the way he had kissed me outside the party, the way he had pulled me into his arms and reminded me just how much he wanted me. He had told me the truth, for the first time in what felt like so long. He had told me he wanted me, that he had been as lost to thoughts of me as I had been to thoughts of him. Had it not been for my father, for the pregnancy, for all of it, maybe we could have been together. Maybe we could have made it work.
Or maybe I would have whiled away the whole summer dreaming of a man who only wanted me when he couldn’t have me. Maybe that would have been the more likely outcome. I knew men like him, had known them all my life, had seen my friends date them over the years and rolled my eyes every single time. I knew what they were like, what kind of games they played. And Nate, well, Nate seemed like the kind of ass who would only come chasing after me when he thought that I was unavailable to him. That was what the hook-up on the plane had been about – the allure of the what he knew he shouldn’t take. Because it wasn’t about how much he wanted me, or the chemistry we shared, or the budding start of something that I had been sure had been there between us for a moment. No. I hadn’t heard a word from him since I had returned to the city. He didn’t want me.
I finished up my perfunctory job search for the day and switched off the laptop, getting to my feet to make myself a cup of tea – anything to take the edge off and it wasn’t as though I could pick up a glass of wine this early in the morning (or at all, considering the kid I was carrying). I didn’t know how I felt at that moment, but I did know without a doubt that if I wanted to quit my job search now, I could have. I could have called Nate up and demanded a million dollars to keep my mouth shut, asked for all the money in the world to raise his kid and not make it his problem, and I knew he’d give it to me in a second. He was so caught up in the business, in making sure that all of this was okay, that he would throw anything at the problem I represented to keep his indiscretions under wraps. It hurt, more than a little to realize that I counted amongst his indiscretions now – I wasn’t the woman he’d dated, I wasn’t the woman he’d almost fallen for, I was nothing but a problem to be dealt with and kept quiet.
I stood over the kettle as it boiled, and, not for the first time since I’d gotten back, wondered if I could do this by myself. I mean, I knew I could. I could do about anything that I set my mind to, and this was just another example of something that would need a little extra bristle of determination. But without him? Even if he was present, even if he said he wanted to be a part of this child’s life, I knew that I would always be at arm’s length to him, and that hurt. He would always be looking for ways to make it clear that he didn’t want me in that way, that he couldn’t commit to me and the baby the way I wanted him too. And the thought of being stuck with that, of being around him but having to ignore all the insane chemistry between us and pretend that he was little more than a sperm donor for me, already felt nearly impossible.
I finished up making my cup of tea and made my way back through to the living room, sinking down into the couch and letting out a long sigh. I wondered how long it would be before I started to properly show. I could just about get away with it right now, with a big sweater and a heavy shirt on, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could pass myself off under baggy clothes and expect to get away with it. I placed my hand on my stomach, testing to see how much I had swelled, and found a small smile on my face as I traced my fingers over the bump once more. It wasn’t exactly how I’d seen my life going when I had finished up college a few weeks before, but I was actually excited about having this baby. I knew that there was a quick way to cut Nate out of my life for good, to end these problems once and for all that no-one would have blamed me for taking given the circumstances, but I didn’t want to take it. I wanted this baby, had become attached to it as soon as that test had turned positive in my hands, and nothing was going to change that.
I heard footsteps outside the door, and got to my feet, glancing at the clock and noting that it must have been the postman arrive with something for me. Sure enough, when I was halfway across the room to answer him, I heard a knock at the door.
“Coming!” I called. I hated how slowly I was already starting to move because of this thing inside me – how bad would it be when I was six months gone? Would I need to be pushed around the place in a wheelchair? Probably.
I pulled the door open and found the postman standing behind it – well, what I thought was the postman, because his face was obscured by a bunch of flowers so comically enormous I couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of him.
“Nia?” He greeted me, reading the name on the note. I nodded.
“These for me?” I asked, and he handed them over, dumping the heavy bouquet into my hands. Fuck, that was a lot of flowers; I almost dropped them at first, struggling to keep a firm grip on them.
“Thanks,” He panted, trying to catch his breath for a moment. “And if you could just sign here…”
I signed for the flowers, closed the door, and carefully carried them over to the counter in the kitchen to find something to keep them alive in. I couldn’t remember the last time I had received flowers. Matt had never much been one for giving me them, and my family were always more likely to give me something practical as a gift instead of something as extravagant and pointless as a beautiful bunch of flowers like this one. I spotted a small card tucked into the leaves and pulled it out, furrowing my brow as I read the letters carefully inscribed on the thick white paper.
“To the mother of my child,” It read. “My feelings for you run deeper than you know. X”
I knew who it was at once – I mean, who else could it be? But what was he doing sending a giant bunch of flowers to me not long after he’d all but told me that he couldn’t be with me? I shook my head as I tried to cram the giant bunch into a vase that would actually hold them. This didn’t make sense. What was he trying to say with this? What was the kiss about? How did he know to fill the bunch with so many petunias, my favorite? I needed answers, and I knew there was only one man I was doing to get them from. Heading to my room, I went to get changed, glancing at the bunch of flowers every time I walked passed them to strengthen my resolve. I needed to see him face-to-face, where he couldn’t run away and couldn’t try to slither out of what he owed me. Pulling on a jacket, I did my best to remember the way to his apartment, and then hailed a cab in the street to take me straight to his place.