Chapter Ten
Haden
I raised a brow and curled my lips slightly; my eyes were the color of ice: blue and clear and thoughtful. I felt as though I had seen nothing but sadness in the time spent away from my new union.
We overtook the shuttle and were on a course back to Udora. We were docking in the old ruins of any day now, and I still wasn’t sure what to say to my beautiful love. I’d heard Sarra roaming the halls at night and hoped she would come to me, but she never did.
She hadn’t spoken to me since Rerdig told her the truth about me, but I’d made sure she was kept comfortable since then. She was allowed to freely roam the halls, and she was instructed to make a call to Riddell and make up any excuse why we weren’t already on Earth.
As for me, I’d spent most of my time in the captain’s quarters. I instructed Eddrys to tell Sarra she could come to me with any questions she had, but still I hadn’t caught sight of her.
“Why don’t you just explain it to her?” came the inquisitive tones of the green dragon I had come to know as my dear friend. Eddrys used a careful tone as he monitored me and then gave a frustrated shrug. For a shifter in the midst of a rebellion, he sure hated drama.
“Do you think she’d understand?” My voice hit the air suddenly, my frustrated tones saturating it.
Eddrys paused and gave it a moment of thought before concluding, “She’d try.” He shrugged again. “She loves you, Haden. Everyone can see it. And come on, surely we can’t be the only people who hate how the alliance is shaped.”
“She’s part of the alliance,” I argued with a roll of my eyes. “And she’s furious, no doubt.”
“Well… yeah,” he agreed. “You could have told Rerdig to take it a little easier on the whole ‘finding her’ thing. His mission to restrain her almost got this ship taken down by a laser pistol.”
“Yeah, well, silly me for thinking she was unarmed.”
Eddrys stared at me incredulously and raised both his brows as he enunciated, “Yeah. That was a pretty stupid move. Besides, why did you have to get her all scooped up anyway? I thought you said she was sympathetic to the rebellion?”
“No, I told you she was curious about it. It’s a vast difference.”
“Well then, might I suggest talking to the girl instead of sitting in here moping about it?”
I closed my eyes and rested my hand on the counter before me, taking it off and on three times, feeling the coolness against my palm. “Look, I thought I could break her, get her on our side, but it didn’t work. Now I’m supposed to divulge even more information to her?” I sighed with frustration as I heard my word. “I lost her, Eddrys. That much is clear, and I don’t want to keep reliving it.”
“Understandable,” he said, “but you don’t just seem unwilling to share, or even try. Now I don’t know the girl like you do, but she really cares about you; ridiculously so. Guess I just thought you guys were in love or somethin’.”
I stared down at the table before me and grabbed a berry out of the large dish of fruit on the counter. I held it between my fingers and inspected it before dropping it unceremoniously back into the basket. “Is it possible for two people to change so much in such a short time? Or are we destined to remain two different people and it just took coming here to make us see it?”
“Haden,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone. “There are two things I’ve learned in life.”
“Just two?” I teased.
“Hey, it’s been a slow winter.” He shrugged. “One is about you, and one is about, well, women.”
“Petra’s really teaching you a lot.”
“Please,” he said with a wave of dismissal. “Even saying her name fills me with dread. Trust me, you’re lucky to have picked one of the good ones. Now shut up and listen to me.”
“Right, go.”
“One. You are terrible about letting things go, so stop acting like all is doomed and start trying. Two, the thing about women… The thing they really love is an apology. You get where I’m going with this?”
“I want her,” I admitted. “I just don’t know what to do or say to get her to stay with me.”
“Apologize to her,” he enunciated.
I took a deep breath and stood from the table. “Alright,” I sighed.
I walked the halls of the shuttle and scraped my teeth over my lip repeatedly as I made my way to Sarra’s room. I had made my argument in my head nearly a hundred times before I found myself standing in front of her door. The walls in the hall were all metal, and her door was no different.
It was a sliding door that interlocked with a passcode from within, just like the rest of the doors on the ship. Part of me hated the design. I was always afraid of getting my wings clipped in the hinges or having it close on me before I was fully through.
I swallowed hard and relived my argument in my head. I hadn’t really pretended to be someone else, I kept thinking. In fact, if anything, I had shown my own sympathies toward the rebellion and my disappointment in the Koth alliance pretty clearly. Hadn’t I? She was a reporter in a past life, wasn’t she? This should have been obvious to her.
Yet, I knew all of my arguments would fall to dust the moment I saw those green eyes.
With a breath, I knocked on her door and quietly announced, “It’s me.”
Without even a moment’s hesitation, the door opened. I stepped in and found her pacing the room. She continued to do so, never making eye-contact with me before stopping in front of the mirror. Her hair was down and slightly greasy from the events of days passed. Her makeup was hastily washed off, leaving a smudge of powdery charcoal underneath her eyes. She smiled at the sight and ran her hands through her hair before turning to me with a mixture of shock and fury.
I could always tell a woman was really mad by the way she smiled.
“Can’t sleep?” I asked.
“Mm,” she mumbled in response, barely uttering a word at all. Her eyes were lost in the distance again, unwilling to relent from their firm, fixated stare.
“So you’re still here,” I said quietly. There was an annoyance in my tone that bordered on indifference as I reached my arm to the door frame and said, “I would have guessed you would have left by now.”
She stared down at her hands and then fussed with the white shirt on the chair that sat near the bed. She folded the material and pressed her hand over the design that sat on the side of the shirt. She pulled the fabric to her chest and continued to shake her head as she said, “Space still causes spontaneous combustion, you know.”
“Huh?”
Her eyes shot open, and she nodded toward the window; it showed open space and stars as far as the eye could see. “Humans plus space usually equals death.”
“Ah.” I nodded. “So you want to leave?”
She looked up at me with lost eyes that sent a pain running down through my legs. She kept careful control of her emotions as she finally focused her eyes on me. My anticipation of her words made me sick. Every breath she began had me on edge.
“I guess I couldn’t blame you if you did,” I offered softly, making my way closer to her. “But I never lied to you.”
Her brows shot up her forehead and lowered as quickly as they rose. She must have wanted to call me a hypocrite, but she didn’t. She just stared; willed me to make my case to her. “Huh,” I said with surprise as I moved my hand across my arm. “I think I was expecting more, uh, yelling than this. Some provocative words that should make me want to change my ways or… screaming or… you telling me that I hurt you.”
“You hurt me,” she articulated through a set jaw, her green eyes piercing into me.
“I understand that this isn’t ideal, but it’s why we both came here, isn’t it?” I laughed softly, searching for an answer in her expression. “We both came to find something. To change something.”
She sighed and shook her head. “That’s not why I came.”
With a raise of my brow, I barely whispered, “Oh?”
She looked me over and said nothing. I could see the bruises around her neck and felt a fire of fury well up in my soul. Rerdig was definitely going to hear it for this one.
“I think I’d prefer the yelling,” I teased, but my love made no contact with me. It seemed Sarra was changing once more. As her new confidant, I didn’t know where I fit anymore; I didn’t know if we’d created a strong enough bond to get through this. I hated her for that, for not believing. As I watched her by the window, I realized we both felt paralyzed with fear. We loved one another too much to leave and hated the other side too much to lend out support.
“Have you talked to Zaphira?”
“Of course I have,” Sarra said with ease, making her way to her bed. She crossed her arms and put them behind her head as she lay down on them. She stared up at the ceiling before turning to me and awaiting the barrage of questions she knew was going to follow.
“What did you say?”
She stared at me in silence, an air I wasn’t used to with her. It made me feel that I was on the outs again, and perhaps rightly so. It was a look that said: how much should I share? We sat this way for some time, willing the silence to give us the answers. I couldn’t drag her back to Udora kicking and screaming. If she wanted to return to Earth, I was prepared to do that, but my heart wouldn’t allow me to say the words.
“I said there was another rebel found,” she said with a crisp roll of her eyes. “That we were asked to come back by the council
“Big fat lie,” I joked, and she seemed taken aback by my lightsome tone.
“What, did you want me to tell her the whole truth?”
“No,” I said, now sighing as I darted my eyes around the room, narrowing them at the memory of my time with Sarra. “Okay, I’m sick of this,” I demanded, walking over to the corner of her bed. “I’m sick of political Sarra or cordial, official-business Sarra. I don’t want your put-on persona; I want you. What are you feeling? Do you hate me? Talk to me.”
“I’m being calm and decisive given the situation.”
“You’re being controlled. This isn’t a council meeting; this is you and me. Stop working and just be my Sarra for two seconds.”
“You don’t want that,” she warned, her brow rising daringly.
I stared at her desperately and nodded. “That’s what I want.”
“You don’t want me to be diplomatic? Fine.” She was leaden. “I hate you. I hate what you’ve done, and I can’t believe I was so stupid to think that you loved me.”
“I do!” I hissed. “I love you, and I want you to stay. Why do you think I did all this? Got you your story? Shared about the rebellion with you?”
“Why do I think you did it?!” she finally screamed, her face reddening with anger as she rushed toward me, shoving me back with little force. “For information! For what else?!” she screamed louder, moisture now gathering near her eyes and causing them to glow. “So now you know about Zaphira. Are you happy now?”
“Not exactly.”
“And what about you?!” she shouted pointedly. “You choose me for information, for political gain; you make me believe that you love me and now you want what from me? To switch sides for you?” She stayed close to my face; so close I could feel her breath as she shouted at me. “You used me!”
I could feel the color sink from my face as she continued to berate me; to say my choice meant nothing. I grabbed her by the arms and then she truly broke down. “We only did this because we heard Zaphira was threatening war against us!”
“She wouldn’t do that!” she screeched. Her body was racked with sobs, and she could barely stand, only held up by my firm grip on her sides.
“Why do you think she’s created those weapons?” I insisted. “You said it yourself they were designed to take down shifters. She hates us!”
“She’s looking for her son,” she cried helplessly and sunk even deeper into my arms. “She’s not looking to hurt you; she’s looking to hurt those who stole him from her!”
She screamed her cries out into the air and hit her hands against my chest. And I took it. I took it because that’s what she needed me to do. Because I didn’t want to lose her.
“It-it’s difficult… some...” I stumbled over my words and shook her body with my hands as I stammered, “Some situations are hard, Sarra. But, I want you to stay.”
“Of course you do,” she scoffed, now with little emotion even as tears spilled relentlessly down her cheeks.
“I love you.”
Before I could even comprehend what I’d said, I felt a sharp crack across my face and backed away to see Sarra nursing the same hand she’d used to smack me with. “Don’t,” she said firmly.
Tears fell down my cheeks, and her expression turned from anger to a deep craving as her crying suddenly stopped. It was such a sharp change in atmosphere that it sent a white hot panic throughout my whole body. She softly gripped my arm in confusion, staring intently at my eyes as to read through to my truth: my true intentions. I could feel my chin quivering as I moved my hands down to hers, grabbing them softly and pressing his eyes closed, letting my tears fall steadily now.
“I chose you because you were already mine,” I reiterated through quivered cries.
“I don’t care,” she said with a heavy breath. Her stare was numb as I reached my hand to her face and began kissing her.
“Don’t,” she pleaded in a whisper. I traced my hands along her figure and touched her urgently, cupping her breasts and feeling down her backside as I pressed myself into her form.
I kissed down her neck, and she stood there, seeming lifeless. This can work, was all I thought. If she let me, I could change her mind. She pushed her hands against my chest and set her jaw. “Don’t,” she reiterated.
I leaned in again, reaching up and touching her face, running my hands through her hair and finally tasting her lips against mine. I watched her kissing back and pressing her body feverishly into mine and reaching for my clothes to remove. Every heavy breath and moan of passion she let out made my heart beat hard through my chest. She opened her eyes and watched me in turn, our eyes forever locked as I took my lips away, my breath airing over her face.
Then I remembered Eddrys’ advice.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
She looked up at me and ran her hand through my hair and down to my cheek.
“Give me one chance to explain it to you, and I promise we can make things better. Just give me the opportunity to explain it to you.”
“Nothing you say will ever explain it to me,” she argued.
“I promise you otherwise.”
Sarra heard my plea but said nothing. Her eyes had already glossed over with an aching lust. There was pain between us, something too heavy to carry, but as much as I asked her to speak to me, she wouldn’t respond with words. She drew her shirt from her back and peeled mine from my back. I leaned in to kiss her softly, feeling the comforting heat between our bodies, but she didn’t want to make love.
For as much as I tried to be soft and sweet, she would on return my kisses with hard, intense kisses and deep grinding of her body against mine.
She removed the rest of her clothes, and I followed suit, watching her carefully to try and connect with her. I laid on the bed and refused to do it her way. I didn’t want to use her. I wanted to make things right.
I slowly caressed her body and let my breaths be heard in simple whispers. In return, she set her wrists inside my palms and demanded to be held down and she viciously ground against my body. When I wouldn’t follow her lead, she reached her free hand down and guided my length inside her, keeping her hand around me as I moved in and out of her.
She scratched her fingers down my back and refused to kiss me back now. Her loud cries ripped the love from our connection and ignited something else in me.
I would do as she wished.
I thrust forcefully in her and watched her body react with pure pleasure and loud moans. She looked up at me again, and I didn’t know whether what I felt was love or a pallid pain.
I didn’t know what this was anymore. I didn’t know if she loved me or hated me, as she claimed. I didn’t know if she couldn’t help but give in to our connection and crave our bodies together or if she was doing this to placate me or remove herself from how sweet our love was compared to the raw pain we felt now. All I knew was that I would make it up to her. I would fix it.