Zeke

I increased the speed on the treadmill until I was flat out sprinting, arms pumping at my sides.

As hard as I’d tried, I couldn’t quiet the thoughts in my head, couldn’t breathe past the guilt, the feeling of loss and pain, churning in my gut.

I realized when I went home, seeing my parents, why I’d avoided going back so fiercely. It made checking out, giving up on my shitty life, a fuck of a lot harder. Seeing my parents had brought it home, why I had to keep fighting every day, why I had to give a fuck if I lived or died. I couldn’t do that to my folks.

I hadn’t wanted that reminder. I hadn’t wanted the reminder of them, of us, as a family. I’d done my damnedest to block it out. I’d been a selfish asshole, hadn’t given one thought to how my death would affect them. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about it.

Now I couldn’t stop.

But messing with me even more that, was the look on Sunny’s face when she told me she was leaving. Watching her walk away, knowing I’d fucked everything up, knowing that she loved me. Not knowing what to say, and watching her walk away.

She loves me.

My thighs burned, but I didn’t slow the speed. I preferred my own gym, but the agency one would have to do, because I wasn’t going home, not for a while at least. I couldn’t face it without Sunny there. I’d see her everywhere, my kitchen, my couch, my bed, and I was already fucked up over her. I spent two nights without her, and I hated it, loathed being separated from her. It felt wrong. So damn wrong.

I didn’t know how to fix it, how to deal with this feeling inside me. I’d even got Van to set up an appointment with his shrink the day I got back, but then backed out.

What the hell was I going to do?

I had to talk to her, and I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I tried to stay away like she asked.

But I couldn’t be without her another night.

After a quick shower, I drove to her place and banged on the door. I knew if I just talked to her, I could make this right. I banged again. If I could just get through the door and talk to her, we could get this sorted out, we could go back to the way we were . . .

The door opened.

Every thought in my head scattered as I ate up the sight of her. Her hair was down around her shoulders, eyes wide on me, lips pressed together. She was wearing the long-sleeved blue shirt I loved on her and yoga pants, thick socks on her feet. She looked a little pale . . .

“What are you doing here?” she said.

I wanted to pull her into my arms so bad, I had to clench my fingers into a fist so I didn’t reach for her. “Can we talk?”

“There’s nothing to talk about . . .”

“Sunny . . .” I grabbed the door, scared she’d shut it in my face. “I just need you to hear me out, then I’ll leave.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Please.” I’d fucking beg if I had to.

She bit her lip, then after what felt like a lifetime, stepped back and finally let me in. I shut the door behind me and followed her into the living room. I noted she took the chair instead of the couch where she usually sat. No risk of me sitting beside her that way. Shit.

I strode to the other side of the room and turned to her. Her expression was blank. She’d locked me out. I’d started to get in and now she’d locked me out.

She motioned to some beads on the coffee table “I’m kind of busy. Can we just get this over with?”

Fuck. My Sunny was gone, she was hidden behind her mask, only this time there were no smiles, not for me. “What you heard . . .”

“Was the truth,” she said.

“No, you only know half of it . . .”

“Do you love me, Zeke?”

I clenched my teeth. The words wouldn’t come; I couldn’t say them. I didn’t know how I felt. That part of me, it felt like there was a . . . blockage. A part of me that wouldn’t, couldn’t get that close. I was broken and there was no way to put me back together. So I told her what I did understand, the way I felt, the feelings I could recognize. I shoved my fingers through my hair. “I think about you all the time, Sunny. I want to spend every damn minute with you. I want to take care of you, protect you. I want you in my bed every night, and want to eat breakfast with you every morning. Shit, isn’t that enough?”

She blinked up at me, eyes glistening like amethysts . . . then she shook her head and stood. “You know . . . all my life, I’ve never been enough, not for my dad, not for my stepmother or Julia, and not my ex-boyfriend. I was given the dregs of their affection, the leftovers. I gave and gave and still I was discarded . . . so the answer to that, Zeke, is no. It’s not enough.” A tear streaked down her face and she dashed it away.

“Darlin’,” I choked out and took a step toward her.

She shook her head, warding me off. “I’m not taking less, not this time, not anymore.” Her eyes locked on me. “One day, I’ll meet someone, someone who loves me, all of me . . . but I won’t give everything I have to a man who can’t give it to me in return. I won’t.”

My throat felt like it was closing up, like my heart had been torn from my chest and lay beating at my feet. The very idea of her with someone else, of being with someone else. No. My mind rejected it. Refused to even contemplate it. “Sunshine . . .”

“I want you to leave.”

“Darlin’, please.” I had no idea what I expected her to say, but it wasn’t this, not this.

“I need time, away from you. I’ll be in touch when I’m ready—we’ll discuss your involvement in our child’s life then. Other than that, there’s no reason for you to call me or just show up.”

No, I couldn’t accept this. “Sunny . . .”

“Leave, Zeke.” she said more firmly.

I didn’t want to go anywhere. But what could I do? What could I say? I couldn’t force her to accept the half a life I was offering her. I didn’t blame her for not wanting anything to do with me, but that didn’t make it any easier to swallow. Didn’t fucking cut any less. I moved toward the door, but I couldn’t walk through it, not yet. I stopped in front of her, and cupped the side of her face, my fingers bushing her soft hair. “I’m sorry, Sunshine. So damn sorry. These last few months with you, despite all the fucked-up shit going on . . . darlin’, they meant everything to me. You brought light into my world when I’d been walking around in the dark for so damn long.” Then I pressed my lips to her forehead, dropped my hand from her beautiful face, and walked out.

Sunny

I heard the door shut behind him and rushed after him, my hand hovering over the door handle. I wanted to go after him so badly. Beg him to come back.

I curled my fingers into a fist and I beat it against the door, a deep sob exploding past my lips. I fumbled with the locks, locking myself in, and turned, my back pressed to the cool wood, and slid to the floor. I wrapped my arms around myself and let the tears flow. I’d held it in, all the pain and hurt the last couple of days. I’d refused to let it rule me, refused to let it take hold. God, why did he have to come here? I’d been holding it together. I’d been fine.

Fine.

Fine.

That word again.

How many times had I said that in my life? How many times had I said it and not meant it? I was even lying to myself now. Because I wasn’t fine. I was so damn far from fine I didn’t know what I was. I’d been going through the motions, refusing to think about Zeke. Refusing to think about any of it. Now I couldn’t avoid it anymore.

Another sob wrenched from me.

It wasn’t like this was new to me. I’d experienced pain before, I’d had more than my fair share. This just hurt a little more—okay, a lot more. But as much as it killed me, I couldn’t regret my time with him, not one moment. Our last nights together, I’d wanted it, all of it. And honestly, it had been the single most beautiful experience if my life.

How could I regret that?

I did have one regret, though—falling in love with him, because I knew, I’d always known, he could never love me back.

Zeke

I roared and plowed my fist into the punching bag again. Then again.

“Zeke.”

I ignored Van and smashed my fists into the bag again.

“Zeke,” he barked. “Fucking stop.”

I dropped my hands, and turned to Van because I knew he wasn’t going anywhere, not until he said what he’d come to say.

My friend eyed me, obviously seeing how well I was not coping, and planted his hands on his hips. “You gotten over yourself and talked to Sunny yet?”

I gritted my teeth. “She’s done. It’s over.”

“You made a mistake, brother,” Van said. “Fix it.”

“I’ve blown it,” I said. “It’s too damn late.”

He stared down at his feet and shook his head.

Finally, he looked up at me. “You got on that plane home, brother, but you never came back. You just . . . didn’t. You’re still there, on that roof, watching your men lose their lives.”

I shook my head, desperate for him to stop talking, but I was paralyzed. No words would come.

“But when you were with her,” Van said. “You were coming back to us. Now we’re losing you again, and I’m afraid this time, you won’t make it back. Which is why you can’t give up on her, brother—you can’t.”

I stared at Van, a man who had become my friend when we were punk teenagers, a man who was like a brother to me, who had fought alongside me, and I had nothing. Not one fucking thing to say to him.

“I’m not letting you check out,” he said.

“Van . . .”

“No, I’m done, Zeke,” he fired at me. “You’re not even willing to fight for her? Is that it? How will you feel when you go to visit your kid and there’s some other man at her side, some other guy sharing her bed?”

Those words, Jesus, they were a direct hit. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Shit, you’re your own worst enemy.” He shook his head. “It’s time you fought those demons riding you. Because I’m telling you, you don’t fight for her, you’ll regret it the rest of your life. And I sure as hell won’t stand by and let you self-destruct.”

I started to shake my head.

“Don’t even try and tell me that’s not what you’ve been trying to do. You’ve been running headlong into shit for a while now. Well, brother, you’ve got a kid on the way and he needs his dad. A woman who needs a strong man at her side. They fucking need you, man.” A muscle in his jaw jumped and his eyes locked on mine. “What happened when you were away, you need to stop beating yourself up over it. That situation was extreme, it was messed up, you know it, deep down you know it. You’re not the only man who would have hesitated in that same situation.”

I started for the door. I couldn’t listen to this, couldn’t deal with it.

“You need to stop running, Zeke, you need to face this shit head on,” he said to my back.

I paused at the door, turned to him, forcing the next words past my lips. “I don’t know how.”

“You want Sunny, you want that family you always used to talk about having, you need to fight, that’s how.” Van moved in beside me. “You need to stop running and fucking fight.”

* * *

I still wasn’t sure how I ended up here. After Van had walked out of the gym, I’d left, gotten in my truck, and driven to the airport. I don’t know what it was, what part of what Van said that sunk in. Maybe it wasn’t what he said, but more that I was so damn weak, that I wanted Sunny so damn much, that I was actually considering trying to put aside what I’d done to have her.

I stared at the house across the street, at a house I should have come to when I got home over a year ago. Instead I’d gone to New York, diving headfirst into a new mission, one that, if I was lucky, would’ve gotten me killed as well. I knew how fucked up that was, but I didn’t know how else to deal with what I’d done. Living with it hadn’t been working. Shoving the door open, I climbed out of the car, headed across the street, and knocked on the front door.

My gut churned and sweat slid down my back at just the idea of talking about this, saying it out loud. After I told Van and my father what happened, I never spoke of it again, to anyone.

The door opened and a woman smiled up at me. “Can I help you?”

“Karen?”

“Yes.”

I took a deep breath. “I was a friend of Danny’s. We served together.”

She bit her lower lip, then stepped back, opening the door wider. “You better come in.”

A short time later, I stood in Danny’s kitchen, staring at his widow, after spilling the truth to her. How things went down that day, all of it. She deserved to know, and I had to be the one to tell her. I was waiting for her to tell me what an awful human being I was. To kick me out of her house. To rail at me, cry, scream . . .

She pushed away from the counter where she was leaning and walked up to me, put her hand on my arm, and squeezed. “God, what a choice you were forced to make. I’m so sorry you’ve had to carry that on your shoulders.”

I flinched. “It’s my fault Danny’s dead,” I said, because obviously, she wasn’t getting it. She should be angry, distraught, not . . . this. Not accepting.

She frowned and shook her head. “Danny knew every time he went away that he might not come back. You were put in an awful situation. You hesitated, Zeke. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.” She shook her head and gave my arm another squeeze. “Nothing will bring Danny back. Not your confession”—her eyes gentled—“and not you living a life full of guilt and regret.”

“Why don’t you hate me?” I said, still unable to believe what she’d just said, unable to process it.

She blinked and a tear streaked down her face. “It wasn’t your fault, Zeke.”

A wave of emotion crashed over me, so strong I staggered back. She moved in, wrapped her arms around me, and gave me a hug. Trying to make me feel better, after what I’d just told her.

“I need you to do something for me, Zeke,” she said when she pulled back.

“Anything,” I said, voice cracking.

“If you want to honor the memory of my Danny, then live your best life. You made it home. You made it. Not doing that, not making the most of every day, that would not only piss me off, it would piss Danny off, too, do you hear me?”

I nodded, trying and failing to hold it together.

She’d just given me a gift. And no, the guilt, the pain, hadn’t instantly vanished. I knew I would carry it with me for the rest of my life, that I had a lot of work to do to get my head straight, but I also felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, so heavy I didn’t know how I’d been walking upright all this time.

For the first time in a long time, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had a future.

* * *

I walked into the agency the next day with a new mission. I’d taken the night to sort things out in my head. After I talked to Karen, I’d gone to speak with Lisa. Her husband Jacob had also lost his life that day. She’d been just as forgiving. Shit, those women blew me away. I admired their strength and resilience, their determination to carry on despite their pain.

I headed through the reception and down the hall toward Hunter’s office, looking for Van. He was right. I did need to talk to someone, someone who dealt with PTSD, someone who could help me cope with what happened, and this time I wouldn’t back out. If I wanted to be the kind of man Sunny deserved, the kind of man she could count on, that could give her everything she needed, I had to do this. I couldn’t get there alone.

Before I could see her again, I had to have a plan, something to offer her. That I was working on my emotional shit. Then I’d get down on my goddamn knees and beg her to forgive me for treating her like she didn’t matter when . . . Christ, she did, she meant more to me than anything else in my life.

Voices were coming from Hunter’s office, so I walked in. Van and Jude were there as well, and all heads swiveled to me when I crossed the threshold.

“What’s going on?”

“Got a call from Connor,” Jude said. “Someone stumbled across Miller’s hideout. Cops found a whole load of stolen shit.”

“And?”

Jude’s brows lowered. “They found some jewelry. Sunny IDed it as hers.”

This surprised me. I’d assumed everything had been fenced. My plan to stay away from Sunny for a little while flew out the window. She said she didn’t want to see me, but this news, it could have brought up memories, fears, and I wouldn’t let her go through that alone. I wanted to make sure she was okay. “I’m heading to Sunny’s.”

Van jerked up his chin. “I’ll call if I hear anything else from Connor.”

Sunny

I stared down at my phone and frowned. Julia was supposed to come into work this afternoon to cover me while I was at my doctor’s appointment. She hadn’t made it into work yesterday, either. I’d called worried and she’d basically snapped my head off and told me to get off her back. I had no idea what was going on with her, but she was due at the shop thirty minutes ago and still no text, nothing to say she was running late or couldn’t make it. It felt like she was going back to the way she used to be, when she was still with Bobby. A sick feeling twisted inside me. Had he weaseled his way back into her life? No. She wouldn’t do that, not after everything he put her through. Not after finally getting away from him.

I checked the time again. My only choice was to close the shop, and with all the upheaval lately, and erratic opening hours, I wasn’t happy about that idea at all, but I didn’t really have another option. God, I was too tired to deal with this today. I hadn’t been sleeping, not since I got back from Roxford. When Zeke had shown up at my place, I’d stupidly hoped he was there to tell me he loved me, that I’d got it wrong.

He hadn’t of course. There was no mistake. Now I wasn’t sure what my next step with him was.

There isn’t one. You’re raising this baby alone.

The little voice in my head was right. And now it seemed I couldn’t even count on Julia anymore.

I grabbed my bag and keys and was about to head out when my phone beeped.

Julia. Finally.

I quickly read the message. I can’t come in today. But I need to talk to you. Will you meet me at the shop after closing?

I stared down at the screen, confused. Something wasn’t right. I can come to your apartment?

No, it has to be there.

What the hell was going on? I fired back a reply: Are you okay?

Yes. Will you meet me? It’s important.

Of course. I’ll be here waiting. I went to my appointment and got back to the shop around my usual closing time. While I waited for Julia, I decided to do some work in the back room. I also needed time to mentally prepare what I was going to say to her, because this had to be about Bobby. I had a horrible feeling she was considering taking him back.

No way would I let that happen.