Chapter Six-
Any hope that I had of Derek's video being a load of crap disappeared as soon as I played it.
In the beginning, as I sat in front of my computer watching the video, it was just me doing a little striptease, clearly drunk and certainly not up to the standards of a stripper, so I decided it was probably nothing to worry about. I was giggling as I took off my shirt, then I approached the camera, and presumably Derek, and that was when I sat on his lap and started kissing him, taking his hair down, telling him his hair was sexy.
"Yeah?" he murmured in a tone that might've sounded tender or affectionate to a stranger.
"Yeah," I replied sweetly, then there were kissing noises.
Oh yeah, I thought sardonically, me clumsily (and drunkenly) taking my shirt off and then the sound of kissing. That was really going to shatter my reputation.
But then Derek said, "Can I keep taping?"
"Sure," I replied like a moron.
Holy shit, I really had given him permission.
Then there was a blur, some movement, and the camera was apparently put down on the edge of the dresser, pointing straight at the bed.
Well, I really didn't remember that part.
The rest of the video, what I could bear to watch anyway, was unbelievable to me, and I wouldn't have believed Derek if I wouldn't have been watching the tape with my own two eyes, hearing my voice moan Derek's name over and over again. There is no other word for what took place on that video. It was porn, and it would indubitably ruin my reputation.
I finally shut the video off was when Derek had me on the bed, facing the camera, and he was taking me from behind. I seemed to be enjoying myself quite a lot as I panted and begged, gasped and dug into the sheets.
When I popped the disk out of my disc drive, I broke it in half, never wanting to see it again.
The video disgusted me, but not more than the realization that Derek was right; if anyone ever saw that tape, I would die of mortification. I would never be able to leave my room, never be able to go out in public again.
He had me, and it killed me to admit it, but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.
Yes, technically there was the option of taking legal action against him, but if I did that it would all come out anyway and everyone would know I had slept with him.
I didn't have to see Derek again until Monday at school. As soon as he saw me and I couldn't meet his gaze, I figured he knew I had watched the video.
I didn't bother going to lunch, not wanting to watch Derek being all lovey-dovey with Kayla, and no longer wanting to sit with Andy and pretend I wanted him.
I just felt tired.
I had tried to get along with Derek, and that didn't work. I had tried to get along with him again, and it still didn't work. So I had tried hating him. That worked, but didn't accomplish anything. I didn't know what else to do. Every way I turned, it looked like I was on the losing end.
I could allow his attentions, admit that despite hating him, I still seemed to want him sexually, but what would that lead to? How long would I have to be his little fuck-buddy?
That was the problem with giving in to blackmail. Once you start paying, they'll just keep making you pay until they bleed you completely dry.
Boy had I screwed up royally.
And he had me exactly where he wanted me.
Damn him.
I was sitting alone on the bench, stewing in my hopeless misery when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I looked up, fully expecting to see Derek, but instead I saw Andy.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi," I replied, trying not to look too confused.
"What's wrong?" he asked, sitting down beside me on the bench.
I shook my head, unable to form the words. I couldn't tell him the truth. There was no point. It would only hurt him even more.
So I just shook my head. "Nothing."
"Why didn't you come to lunch?" he asked.
"I'm not hungry," I said, and at least that much was true.
He sat there silently for a moment, then said, "You've been different lately."
"Have I?" I responded, not having the energy to argue.
"Yeah. You haven't been... acting like yourself."
I sighed, not really knowing what else to say. "Sorry."
Andy wrapped an arm around me, pulling me a little closer. "You know you can talk to me, right? Whatever's wrong, you know you can tell me."
If only that were true, I thought wistfully. But it would do no good, so I merely half-smiled, allowing my head to rest on his shoulder and said, "I know."
We got our pharaoh papers back that day, and I saw that mine was an A plus. Despite myself, I caught myself glancing up at Derek's desk, craning my neck to see what he got. I saw another A plus on his, so I felt a small surge of satisfaction at getting two As.
As soon as school was out, I hoisted my backpack and started to make my way out of the building, intending to walk home and get ready for work, but suddenly I felt my heavy backpack –and me with it—being pulled on. I stumbled a little, and before I knew what was going on, I was pulled into an empty classroom.
There stood Derek, looking right at me.
I sighed, looking away from him. "What do you want now? Ruining my life isn't enough for you, you have to make me late for work, too?"
"No, I wanted to—"
But I stopped listening, because my eyes, wanting to look anywhere but at him, had fallen to his shoes. His black shoes. With yellow laces.
I looked up at him, my jaw hanging open. "When did you get those?"
"What?" he asked, frowning at me. "Did you even hear me?"
"Answer me," I said. "When did you get those shoes?"
He frowned, looking down at his shoes. "I've... had these shoes."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "You have not had those shoes. I have never seen you wearing shoes with yellow laces."
"Oh, the laces are new. My shoe laces got ripped the other day, this was the only color the store had left."
"Oh," I said absently, staring at his shoes, remembering my dream.
"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning at me. "Nikki, you haven't heard a word I said, have you?"
I shook my head lamely, my mind racing. What did it mean? Was it a coincidence? Was it a warning? Had it already happened? Was anything going to happen or was I just crazy?
"I have to go," I said suddenly.
"But—"
"Later!" I called behind me, practically running out of the classroom.
I couldn't get home fast enough.
By the time I burst into my trailer, I was completely out of breath from running, but I had to get to that journal, because as soon as I saw his laces I had a sudden memory of something my mother had said.
I grabbed the journal she had used in October the year before Derek was born, and I went over the pages until I found the entry I was looking for.
"There it is," I whispered to myself.
Speaking of Mike, I had the strangest thought today. I have no idea why, because he told me just yesterday that he didn't have a girlfriend, that the girl who gives him rides home from work isn't his girlfriend anymore and they’re just friends, but for some reason when I was dropping fries today, the thought suddenly crossed through my mind, "At least we don't have to worry about her getting pregnant."
It was such a strange thought to have. And what's funnier, it's not the first time I've had such a silly thought. I remember last month, I had only met him that week, and Michelle had asked him casually if he had any kids. He scoffed, and said, "No way." I remember looking at him, and for absolutely no reason, thinking, "Don't sleep with anyone then," because for some reason I just felt like he was at risk for getting someone pregnant.
Of course I couldn't say that to him, because he would think I was crazy.
But today I just felt oddly thankful that we dodged that bullet, because I really like him...
There it was.
I couldn't remember which journal it was in, but I knew after my mom found out that Sarah was pregnant –that she had conceived in November, which was after October and September—she had kicked herself so many times, writing that she wished she could just go back to one of those days and warn him. I remember she wrote something like,"It was as if I could somehow, by some strange instinct, sense that she was going to get pregnant, and I didn't listen. I didn't do anything to stop it."
I sat there staring at the journal, trying to figure out if I was onto something, or if I was just making something out of nothing. What if that dream had been warning me, like that feeling had warned my mother? Was Derek going to get Kayla pregnant?
If he was, did I really want to stop him? After all, if I kept my mouth shut and he ended up knocking Kayla up, he would most likely be too busy dealing with that, and he wouldn't care about blackmailing me anymore. That could be my way out.
But, for some reason that I didn't quite understand, I didn't want that to happen to him.
It kind of irritated me, but I decided that I had to tell him. Maybe I was wrong, maybe it was nothing, but if I kept my mouth shut and found out in two months that Kayla was pregnant, I was going to feel responsible.
Damn it.
I picked up my cell phone and dialed Derek's number, trying to figure out how I was going to word what I wanted to say to him. "Oh, hi Derek, it's me. I just wanted to tell you that I had a dream the other day that you got Kayla pregnant, so I just wanted to tell you, whatever you do, don't sleep with her, because you will get her pregnant and be miserable forever."
Yep, that would totally work, I thought sarcastically.
"Hello?" he finally answered.
"Derek, it's me," I said.
"I know, I saw your number on the caller ID. What do you want?"
I frowned. "Grumpy much?"
"Well, you didn't want to listen to me earlier, but now you're calling me?"
I sighed. "Fine, what did you want to say?"
“You didn't hear anything I said, did you?" he complained.
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't, but I'm listening now."
"I'm changing the terms of our agreement," he stated.
I frowned. "Wait, what? You can’t do that. What do you mean?"
"I know when I gave you my terms I told you I didn't care who else you were sleeping with— and I don't, it's not that, but I don't like sloppy seconds, so I'm changing the terms."
Was he serious? "Derek..."
"I'm serious, Nikki. I want you to break up with Andy."
"No," I replied, not even having to think about it.
"Fine, then I'm going to show him a copy of the tape," he retorted.
"What?" I demanded. "You would not do that!"
"Watch me," he returned.
"Derek, that would be... the cruelest thing you could possibly do. You have no idea how much that would hurt him. You can't do that," I argued.
"Like I care. I know he's the jealous type," he said, sounding pretty confident. "He won't want my sloppy seconds, either."
The gall of him. I was calling to save his life, and he was telling me to break up with my boyfriend or he would break up with him for me. How presumptuous.
"That's not fair at all. You’re being ridiculous."
"You're not fucking him anymore, Nikki," he said lowly, and I knew he was serious.
I sighed, kind of wishing I had never told that lie. "If I didn't know better, I might think you cared," I remarked.
The line fell silent for a couple seconds, then he said, "I don't, it's just the principle."
I frowned at his hesitation, but decided I shouldn't make too much of it.
Since guilt wasn't working on him, I decided to use a new angle. "You can't expect me to be faithful to you when you're sleeping with someone else, Derek. It doesn't work that way."
He fell silent again, and I thought it was the quietest he had ever been. I did finally pull the phone away and look at it to make sure I hadn't lost the call.
Then, I got an idea.
"I think I have an offer," I said slowly, trying to decide if it was worth it.
"An offer? I'm the one making the rules, Nikki," he stated.
"I know, I know, just hear me out, okay?" I responded, rolling my eyes. He stayed quiet, so I assumed he was listening. "I will break up with Andy –my own way—and not see anybody else on one condition."
"What condition is that?" he asked.
"That you provide the same courtesy for me. No more Kayla, no other girls at all. Now, before you say no," I went on, not even giving him the chance to answer, "I want to tell you something. You're probably going to think I'm crazy, maybe I am, but still, is it really worth the risk? What if I'm right?"
"Right about what?" he asked.
I sighed, warning him again, "This is going to sound crazy, but I had a dream about you other night."
"Really?" he asked, sounding a little too interested.
"Not that kind of dream," I replied, rolling my eyes. "At the time, I just thought the dream was really jumbled, just a blend of my mother's life and my life with really bright shoe laces, but now I'm wondering if it was something more. Derek, I dreamed several nights ago, before you even had yellow shoe laces, you were apologizing to me, telling me you didn't mean to do it, but you got Kayla pregnant. You were wearing bright yellow shoe laces, Derek. How common are bright yellow shoe laces? And before you say that I'm crazy, I feel the need to tell you that my mother had the same kind of instinct with your father, but she didn't listen to it. There was no reason for her to think that, but she did in September, and again in October, but she ignored both warnings, and you were conceived in November. If she would have said something, maybe he would have thought twice, but she didn't. I'm not keeping my mouth shut. If you get someone knocked up, it's going to be on your conscience, not mine."
He let me finish my big ramble, then said simply, "Okay."
I frowned. "What?"
"I do think you're crazy, but I agree to your terms. No more Andy, no more Kayla. Just you and me."
Just like that? That was too easy.
"I'm serious," I added, thinking maybe he didn't understand.
"I gathered as much, 'cause it wouldn't make a very funny joke."
"Then... just like that, no argument, no complaints, you'll just break up with your girlfriend?"
"I really don't like her very much anyway, so it's a pretty small sacrifice." Barely missing a beat, he went on to ask, "What are you doing tonight? Is your dad home?"
I rolled my eyes, thinking he was such a guy. "Derek, do you have nothing else to say about that big long speech?"
"I already told you I think you're crazy, what else do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. That you'll get new shoe laces?" I offered, not really knowing what else I wanted him to say.
He chuckled. "Fine, I'll get new shoe laces."
I couldn't believe how easy that was, but I decided not to argue, and for some reason, I instantly felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I told myself it had absolutely nothing to do with knowing he wouldn't be snuggling with Kayla anymore, that it was simply—
Oh, right.
"I have one more term," I stated.
"What's that?" he asked.
"You have to cuddle with me afterwards, you can never treat me like that again. If you do, I will simply kill you in your sleep and not have to worry about you sharing the tape with anyone."
"Well, with options like that..."
"Yeah, cuddling doesn't sound so bad, huh?" I replied cheerfully.
"Well, I ask again, what are you doing tonight?"
"Working."
"And after that?"
"Homework," I replied.
"Need help?"
"Nope," I said, smiling.
"Come on, Nikki," he said.
"No. Take a shower, scrub off all the yucky Kayla germs, but as I'm sure you were just kissing on her today, your lips –and other body parts—are coming nowhere near mine until I feel confident that they're cootie-free."
"I thought I was making the rules," he complained.
"Well, if you wouldn't have been kissing Kayla today I might not be doing homework tonight, but you did and I am, and as long as we're doing this whole faithful thing, you're going to have to be okay with that. If you saw me sucking face with Andy, would you really want me to come kiss you right after I was done?"
"You didn't see me kissing Kayla, you're just guessing," he argued.
"Be that as it may, I'm doing homework tonight. Do you work tomorrow?"
"No," he said.
"Maybe tomorrow then," I said. "If you scrub really thoroughly tonight."
"Right back at you," he responded.
After that we said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. As I went to do my homework, I felt better than I had recently, and the world didn't seem like such a bad place.
Unfortunately, before I could rendezvous with Derek again, I had to go through the uncomfortable part: breaking up with Andy.
I didn't know what to say. Technically, I didn't have a reason to give him. Sure, I could tell him I had been cheating on him with Derek, who was blackmailing me and threatening to show our sex tape to the world, but I somehow didn't think that would be the most painless way.
I didn't want to hurt him more than I was already going to. Maybe I didn't love him, but I still cared about him as a friend, and I knew he cared about me.
I decided to wait until after school to do it, but Derek was pretty impatient, which surprised me.
The very first thing he asked me when I walked into class and found him sitting on my desk was, "Did you do it yet?"
"Do what?" I asked at first.
"Did you break up with him?"
He looked anxious, more invested in my break up than I expected him to be.
I sighed, putting my books on the desktop. "No, not yet."
"Why not?" he asked.
"Did you break up with Kayla yet?" I returned.
"Yeah," he replied easily.
"Oh." I frowned, not expecting to hear that. "Well, I just haven't yet. I don't want to hurt him and humiliate him, Derek. I'm not doing it in school."
He rolled his eyes, but before he returned to his desk, he said, "Don't kiss him."
I frowned at Derek's back, confused at his sudden concern over who I was and was not kissing.
When lunch rolled around, of course Andy expected me to sit with him, so I did.
Derek came over and paid me a visit, which I thought was suspicious. So did Andy when Derek placed a hand on my shoulder as he said hello. I shot him a warning glance, but he just smirked at me, eyes twinkling, and walked away.
"What was that?" Andy asked, frowning.
I shrugged, acting like I didn't know either. "Just being Derek, I guess."
Andy looked at me funny, but he didn't want to find out anything was up, so he let it go.
Since I had told Andy I needed to talk to him after school, I waited for him to meet up with me on the stone bench outside the school.
I saw Derek's car pull up, impatiently waiting for me to break it off with Andy so he could give me a ride home. I scowled at his car and shooed him away, but he merely revved his engine, drove around in a circle and parked in a spot where he could still see me, sitting there like my watchdog.
He was acting so strange, I thought, but shrugged it off.
Finally, Andy made it outside. When he saw me, he smiled, making me feel absolutely wretched.
"Hi," he greeted, coming over to give me a kiss.
I sort of turned my head, and he caught my cheek. He frowned a little, but just asked me if I wanted a ride home.
"Um... no," I replied, not bothering to tell him Derek was already waiting to give me a ride home.
He sat down next to me, putting his books in his lap. "Okay."
I didn't want to start the conversation, I wanted to stall, talk about the weather or something stupid, but I had to hurry up and get it over with before Derek drove off and left me there.
"Okay, Andy, I wanted to talk to you about something."
He nodded. "So you said." Then he paused, and said, "About what?"
I sighed, not meaning to, but blurting, "I don't deserve you."
"Yes you do," he returned automatically.
"No, I really don't," I said, shaking my head. "You deserve someone so much better than me. There is... so much you don't know about me, things you wouldn't like, things that I keep from you because I know you wouldn't like them."
"Nicole, I don't care—"
"No, let me finish. This is so hard for me to say, so please let me get it out. I'm... terrified of love. I want nothing to do with it. I saw how love destroyed my mother, and because of her I've tried to make safe choices, and I have... but I screwed up. I made a mistake, and as mistakes sometimes do, my mistake seems to have taken on a life of its own..."
"Everybody makes mistakes," he said, not quite looking at me. "Whatever you've done... we can work through it."
"Oh, please stop being so damn understanding," I said, my conscience attacking me.
“I can't help it," he snapped. "When you love someone, you're willing to overlook certain things."
"But you shouldn’t be! That's why love's bad!" I told him.
"No, that's why love's amazing. You wouldn't know anything about that, though, now would you? Have you ever loved anyone, Nicole? How can you judge so harshly a feeling you've never experienced for yourself?"
"I never want to experience it," I stated, standing up.
He made me feel terribly inadequate when he said that, and it made me mad. He made it sound like such a bad thing that I refused to love, like I made a hobby of kicking puppies or something. I had loved my mother, didn't that count? And maybe I had never loved someone the way she did, but I couldn't figure out why anyone would want to. To me, it seemed like a pretty terrible experience. It was love that drove my mother to kill herself and someone else, and any emotion that strong, that powerful... it wasn't a feeling I wanted to mess with.
He just didn't understand that because he was so sheltered, just a nice boy who had never encountered the terrible kind of love that my mother had the misfortune to come across. He may not know what it was about, but I did.
"I'm sorry," I said, looking down at him.
He shook his head, looking irritated with me. "You haven't given me a reason. I know there can't be someone else, because if you were leaving me for someone else you would have to love him, and you're too afraid of love to do that."
This caused me to frown. "I would not have to love him," I said without thought.
For someone who "knew it couldn't be someone else," he looked like I had just proven him right. "It is someone else," he stated.
I faltered. "I—No, I didn't say that."
"Who is he?" he asked.
"No, that's not what I said."
But he wasn't listening. "Who is it? Who's convinced you to do this?"
"No," I said, shaking my head again.
"Yes, someone did, I can tell by your reaction. Who is it?" he demanded.
He was making me incredibly nervous, and I didn't have any idea what was going to come flying out of my mouth next, so I kept it shut, just shaking my head.
"He's lying to you," Andy said, his eyes strangely bright. "Whatever he told you to convince you to do this... Don't you see, he's more of a threat than I am? I would never hurt you, Nicole. He will. Who is it? Who's trying to take you away from me?"
"Stop it!" I said.
"He's going to take advantage of you," Andy promised me. "He's going to hurt you, just like Mike hurt your mother."
"No he isn't," I blurted, then my eyes widened as I realized I’d just admitted there was someone else.
Andy nodded, his expression solemn. "I knew it. I knew there was someone else. I've been suspecting; I'm not stupid, but I was hoping you'd get over it."
"I have to go," I said quickly.
"Nikki, please think about this."
"Don't call me that!"
"He's using you, Nicole. Don't you see that? He knows I won't let him hurt you, that's why he's taking you away from me!"
I couldn't listen to another word, so I just shook my head, called one last, "I'm sorry," and quickly made my way toward Derek's car, not even caring at that point if Andy saw me get in.
As I slid into the passenger seat of Derek's car, still feeling rattled, I told him, "That was absolutely awful."
"I told you not to let him kiss you," Derek said with what appeared to be a mock pout.
"I turned my head," I stated.
"I'm still wounded. You should make it up to me."
"You don't look wounded," I stated dryly.
He turned the puppy dog pout on again.
"Don't do that," I said, melting a little even though I knew I didn't really wound him.
"Do what?" he asked, still looking wounded.
"Oh, my God, you with your damn puppy dog eyes," I said, leaning over to give him a peck.
But once I was over there, he grabbed me and deepened the kiss, sliding his hand right up my shirt.
"Not here," I said, chuckling against his lips, tugging my shirt back down.
"Aw, why not?" he replied, making the pout again.
I pulled back, shaking my head. "Pout all you want, that is not happening here, not right now."
He sighed. "Fine, let's get you home then."
I smiled and rolled my eyes, sitting back in my seat, but when I did, I gasped, my eyes widening, as I saw Andy standing right in front of the car, looking in at us.
Derek scowled at him, muttering, "That kid needs to get a life."
It was kind of spooky, just seeing him pop up like that. How much had he seen? Probably just seeing me in Derek's car was enough to convince him that Derek was "the other man."
I felt terrible for breaking up with Andy, but what else could I do? I couldn't keep dating him and sleeping with Derek behind his back. In the long run, that would hurt him more, not less.
But I honestly didn't think about it for very long, because I knew Derek was going to take me back to my house and make me forget all about Andy....